Kazman

is deep meaningful unconditional lifelong love possible between man and woman?

@Dumuzzi Thank you so much Dumuzzi, fascinating so far. Maybe somebody asked this and I missed it, and that case I apologize in advance. Are you working with sexual continence as part of your practice? How crucial would you say it is for energetical advancement? What one book would you recommend on kundalini? Thanks again!

Authentic Emotional Desire for spiritual growth for its own sake is a sign of great spiritual progress. It doesn't manifest until you have gathered enough energy in your astral body and created a continous connection with your higher centers. Until then... pray for consciousness and do what you can. Seek to see yourself as you truly are and let the horrible answer motivate you.

A couple of days ago he posted this then took it down. He hints that he’ll commit suicide and says his own adress. I really hope he gets through this alive.

This is a great analogy for enlightenment. My last breakthroughs have felt like this. It’s all like a movie set, it’s all smoke and mirrors, if I’m conscious enough I can just leave the movie set and disappear.

cool! I'm sure there are ways to find intersecting points in these models. I've been thinking about how to syncretize spiral dynamics with the Enneagram that is part of Gurdjieff's teaching, but I haven't gotten very far. It's simple to draw quick conclusions based on superficial comparisons but hard to really make a useful combo that is stronger than its previous separate parts. edit: I guess i could mention, I don't know too much about astrology but the enneagram is connected to that in certain ways.

remember that what enlightenment will show you is that Nothing exists. Think about your ideas about what it would mean to "walk around being enlightened" and what your highest states have actually shown you. When you peak, nothing exists, you cannot simultaneously have that and "walk around being enlightened."

@OBEler we are definitely okay, better than before. Thanks for your consideration. i use a lot of Leo terminology because it’s really accurate and good. I have a lot of other sources too on my path and especially during this experience I felt there were definitely some new flavours that surprised me, they felt completely fresh and new and went above and beyond trying to recreate something somebody else said. this trip was definitely not a joyride, it had ups and downs, but I would prefer to say that it transcended good and bad, and if I had to pick I would call it a good trip. I know and trust that the downloads I receive will help me. Me and my experience of the external world is totally back to normal since I woke up the morning after the trip. I do not experience the feeling that my wife doesn’t exist, but this is the second time I’ve experienced that as a higher truth, so intellectually I know to a small extent that nothing exists.

Me and my wife were gonna do mushrooms. The kids were away for the night and for the next morning as well which is rare for us, so it was a good window for consciousness to enter our lives. My original plan was for her to take a medium dose and for me to take a very light dose, so that I could sort of tune into her experience but still be fairly normal and take care of her. My idea of what was going to play out was something like this: I would re-connect with being, something I always enjoy, she would finally deal with a lot of fucking trauma and issues and neurosis that I think she's avoiding to deal with, there would be some tears but then things would get fun again and then as we had cleared ourselves we would have hot psychedelic sex, something I've always fantasized about but never experienced. Our love life has been really dry lately because of kids, careers and nasty arguments, so I saw this as the perfect remedy. The whole thing played out very differently. I prepared the mushroom tea. Around 3 grams of dried mushrooms for her and a little less than 2 grams for me. She was just finishing up some work in our home office. I gave her the cup with the brew so she could sip away as she was finishing her work. Last time she tried some it took over an hour before she noticed any effects so this time she even dared to drink it as she was on the phone with her boss, which we laughed a lot at later. I sat down to practice slide guitar while drinking my mushroom tea. Usually I do shamanic breathing before tripping, I use tingsha bells to start the ceremony, I prepare myself mentally several days before, I am very clear about my intention etc. This was the most casual I've ever been about taking a trip. I was going through my usual routine of slide guitar exercises. I was starting to feel effects after having finished about half of my cup. Sometimes I would forget what exercise I was doing, then I would remember and continue, then I would start playing something new and random, patterns that I've never played before that just emerged. I enjoyed that, but I also started to feel very sad. My wife was supposed to just finish up her work quickly, but she got a really long call and looking at my watch I realized that almost an hour had passed. I worried that she wasn't going to drink any of the brew, that I was on my own without her, and I really wanted this to be something we would do together so I got really sad and felt stupid for starting by myself. A lot of our conflicts for the past months have been that we struggle to do things together and she always gets triggered to work more to make sure she remains a top performer at her job. This was making me really sad, so I sat there and embraced the sadness. I allowed it to speak its message to me. I knew that I was creating the sadness by telling myself this story of how my wife thought her work was more important than our relationship when actually, I didn't know what she was doing. My connection with being got stronger and I stopped playing guitar completely and started to meditate and focus at my third eye. After a while I heard her laughing and enter the room I was in. I thought she was laughing at me because I had been laughing a lot at my guitar playing as I was practicing, because, well, I was on drugs. I turned around and I saw her with her pants by her feet, stumbling around like frankenstein's monster or something and laughing at herself. She told me there was no toilet paper so she had to go and get some. She was clearly affected and I felt extremely happy. She said something like: "what did you do to me!? This is much stronger than last time. I feel really dizzy." She actually had an important presentation for the next day but I told her that we would just take a little break and chill in the couch until things calmed down for her. She had finished about half of her cup too, and she said she wasn't gonna have anymore. We looked at the trees outside the window and talked about how annoying it must be to be a tree. It takes so long to move. As you are thinking about going somewhere, it takes years for you to actually get there. I started talking to her about how it's sort of similar for us humans, our mind always rushes ahead. I felt quite affected by the mushrooms but she said that I was completely sober and that I should have more. I then finished my cup. I don't remember exactly what we talked about but we laughed a lot and joked around. It was really nice to laugh together, it's something we never do nowadays, at least not as whole-heartedly. I wanted her to finish her brew but she didn't want to. I said that if she didn't finish it then I would, because mushrooms are very precious to me and I didn't want to waste a drop. "And then you'll have to take care of ME" I said. She told me that now I seemed to be getting very affected and she didn't want me to have any more but I started finishing her brew regardless, and she helped me chew up some of the remaining forest friends. We lay there in the sofa and looked through the window and laughed a lot and the sunset was making the trees change color into a beautiful glowy red. Things got more intense for both of us. We started feeling cold so we put a blanket on top of ourselves, and we both felt like it was more powerful to close our eyes. As she started tripping more seriously, she started talking a lot more, like a constant stream of consciousness monologue that I was hardly able to take in or comprehend. She was clearly in a flow and enjoying it, and this talking remained constant for the rest of her trip. What happened to me was that I got a vision of a big room with other beings in it, it looked a little like an Alex Grey painting. I felt like a lot of the sadness I carry came from that room. I've been wondering about why I get depressed sometimes, and the experience I got was that I'm sharing the sorrow of a group of higher beings, who mourn for the universe, something like that. This sadness of mine, in other words, isn't purely my own, it's a collective cosmic sadness that I am carrying together with other beings from another dimension. "Come back, what are you doing over there?" I heard my wife's voice say, and I realized I had sort of moved away from her and hidden my head under a pillow. I came back and I tried to tell her about my insight but I was already so affected that it was very difficult to speak. I had an awful feeling in my presence, I couldn't pinpoint it at first but as the trip went deeper I started to realize that I was remembering my learnings from my previous trip, where I had tapped into the highest states of consciousness that I've ever reached, a trip that had been extremely difficult for my ego. On that particular trip I had taken the ridiculous dosage of 10 grams, you can read all about it here. I never expected to get even close to that level this time, but it got just as real if not more, even though I had only taken something like 4 grams or so. My theory is that since I had already opened myself up to those higher states in a previous trip, it was a lot easier for me to just "get through the door" again. I remembered that I had imagined all of my life. That it wasn't real, it was an illusion. I remembered that there is no distinction between real and unreal, between sane and insane, and between me and anything else. Everything was a cosmic paradox where I had no control. I told my wife that I remembered something and that I felt a lot of fear, I couldn't really explain why though. We decided to go upstairs to our bed, since it has more space than our sofa. At times I felt ecstatic, it wasn't only pure horror, me and my wife still laughed a lot together, but at times I lost all grip of reality and couldn't tell what was real and what was insanity, and that made me feel like I was going insane, and it scared me so much. I knew that I was God. My eyes were automatically drawn up towards my third eye and my tongue was out and doing all kinds of crazy shit, like Venom in spider man or Toungey in Kung Pow, lol. Earlier in the trip I had thought that maybe the mushrooms will show me something new, they might help me meditate better, or make me progress in developing some new kind of spiritual skill. Now I felt like pure white light from the heart of god shot right into my brain like a death star beam, I was blasted with pure nondual energy and I felt more powerful than anything I could have ever imagined. The power of realizing that I am God and that I can imagine whatever I want to be real, how could anything beat that? It's just so fucking ridiculously unbeatable. Before it happened I wouldn't even have been able to think of the existence of such an almightyness, and now I felt how the core of my being was being bombarded with this purest form of consciousness. I laughed and shook in the bed. I constantly found myself turning away from my wife which bothered me since I had seen this as a bonding thing. At times we connected, I tried to look at her and speak with her but I was just so overwhelmed by the levels of consciousness I was reaching, the downloads I was getting and the implications of it all. At one point I told her that I was shiva, haha, she said that it's so typical of men not to listen to women, and she told me that now is the time for women to rise. I said yeah sure, you can do that, it may be your time, but I'm just not very interested because I'm a man and I'm interested in man stuff. We were arguing but in a really sweet and teasing way, like, the loving way an old married couple sometimes complain at each other (we've been married for three years). I really felt a pure cosmic polarity between us, how we were embodying the divine masculine and the divine feminine, especially since at that time it was like I was the only man that existed and she was the only woman that existed. I don't remember too much from what happened up in the bed, I know we stayed under the sheets and giggled a lot, and we didn't have sex, we were way too affected, but after a while things started settling down. We both felt hungry but too affected to do anything about it. I started to ask her if she could bring me soup that I had prepared that was ready on the stove, she didn't want to. After I had asked her a couple of times we decided it was time for us both to go down to the kitchen and eat. In the kitchen I immediately sat down at a chair, very weak and unable to do much, I kept getting insights and I kept being amazed and fascinated by reality and getting lost in it. She heated some pizza leftovers, made me some sandwiches because she didn't like the look of the soup I had prepared. Then she sat down on the opposite side of the table and we talked to each other. She said something about our kids and I looked at her and said: "You are all my children." She said: "Stop talking as if you were God" but I couldn't. It was amazing to realize this. As I was talking to her, I saw how I was creating all of reality. I saw how it, in this very moment, was being created by me, upheld by my divine magic, as a perfect illusion. Like a white shimmer at the edges of my visual field. My wife was talking about this report that she needed to get done tomorrow morning for work, and "how could I have done this to her, how could she finish it in this state", but I couldn't care less about it, because I saw that I was just imaginig all of this, and I had created her and her report. I don't remember all of our conversation but she said she was disappointed in God, he was basically a self-centered wise-cracking guy who laughed in her face constantly. She asked if I had any wisdom to share with the World. I thought for a moment and then I told her: "You can tell them... The one who is asking the question and the one who answers is the same person. They ARE what they SEEK. They are me. the beginning and the end." "That doesn't mean anything," she said. "Tell them that ANYTHING can become ANYTHING at ANYTIME." It was so clear and amazing to me that I was a field of pure potentiality, that time was an illusion, everything could happen at anytime at my will, the will of the All, and did so too. I told her there was nothing else outside of me. Nothing else but this, and I knew it was real, and it was so amazing to see that so clearly. This was some friggin' Christ consciousness level shit. All of this amused me and amazed me a lot and I enjoyed it. Occassionally I got back into seeing that my entire life was something that I had just imagined, I could see how the kitchen I was in could morph into the kitchen in my mom's appartment when I was young, and that as soon as I stopped looking at a part of the kitchen, that part ceased to exist. All the memories I had and all the people I cared about were illusions, they didn't exist at all. My kids didn't exist, my mom didn't exist. I could see how it was all just a game I had played on my self to make me forget that I am God, and that was the most horrifying thing to my ego. What was the point of trying to grow myself spiritually, what was the point of trying to help people, what was the point of trying to master slide guitar? It was all just me fooling myself that I'm not God. That's ALL IT IS. God has been doing this for so long, for eternity. Well, what the fuck am I supposed to do with that info!? Nothing I guess, there is no ego to do anything anyway, but you know, that's kind of hard to accept... I kept repeating to myself, and also to my wife: "I will forget this. I will forget that I am creating everything..." And I really looked forward to it, because seeing through the illusion was too painful and scary. I just had to wait it out. I stood up in the kitchen and looked at myself in the kitchen window reflection. I kept thinking about how nice it would be to fall back asleep, to forget all of these horrible truths, and then the most scary insight of them all came to me: this wasn't just a trip. This was absolute truth. I, as God, had the power to end all of reality as my Ego knew it in this instant. It could've been over at my command then and there, and it wouldn't matter at all. It's so weird to me that I could be so aware of all of these things while my ego was still so attached to my life as I knew it. I wasn't done here on Earth. I thought to myself: "maybe now I will finally understand advanced spiritual concepts, like 'void' and 'nothingness'" but those phrases didn't resonate at all. Instead, what I saw was that I had created all of this reality for my ego, a reality that was complete with things the ego understood and also things the ego didn't understand, but even if the ego would understand the concepts it didn't understand, it was all just part of the illusion I had created to fool myself that I'm not God. And if some Zen master came to me and tried to correct me, that's just more content in the illusion! All ideas of spiritual authority had turned ridiculous, all ideas that there was anything I didn't "grasp" were ridiculous. I was God and what could be greater? Nothing! Allahu Akbar. All those things the ego didn't understand simply existed in the illusion as clues that I am God. If I take anything with me from this trip, I think it's this. External reality is bullshit. There is no other experiencing things from another point of view. It's all me. There can be no authority. I can't unsee that. At a point my wife went to the bathroom and I walked around at the lower floor in our house. I looked into the kitchen and felt absolutely lonely. Time froze for a while and I realized that this silent, empty and lonely kitchen was very close to my true nature. My wife entered the kitchen and I freaked out because I could see that she didn't exist. She left the kitchen again and I saw how there was no difference between the empty kitchen and the one she was in. It was the scariest thing, although I struggle to put it into words more accurately than this. I just desperately wanted some other person to really exist, I desperately wanted my life to be real, but I knew it wasn't. Three hours or so had passed. At this point she was more or less back to normal and while I was a little more solid than before, I still had a LOT to ponder. We went back to the sofa. She wanted to watch a movie, I just wanted to hug her and close my eyes, so I did. I got an inner image of the shape of a human who is meditating, and I saw how that is somehow the shape of all of existence. I realized that spiritual progress is just different degrees of remembering that I'm fooling myself that I'm not God, an all powerful being that has the power to create any kind of reality it wants. I could understand why visualizations are so powerful, and the key to magic and manifestation. It's because everything is imaginary! Our own imagination and creativity are tiny embryos of the divine imagination of the creator. They are our engines for continously transforming ourselves into what we decide ourselves to be, and our means to co-create our immediate surroundings and also the entire megalocosmos. I saw that any kind of spiritual powers come from imagining ourselves to be of a lower degree of forgetting that we are God in the illusion. Through these means, any kind of miracles are possible. So there you have it. And all I wanted was to get some pussy, and I still fucking need some. It's crazy that mushrooms can do this. It's impossible, and yet it is true. The only explanation I can give is that I as God made it all up, and mushrooms were a symbol in this particular reality that I as God created that bings the people in this illusion back to remembrance. Or maybe I just watched too many Actualized-vids too shortly before I tripped balls and now I'm ridiculously deluded. You know, I would kind of prefer that explanation, honestly, but I don't fucking now. I don't fucking know.

@AcaciaConfusa It was either equadorian cubensis... or Koh samui... or a mix @abrakamowse My pleasure

After having done a number of low-medium doses of magic mushrooms by myself and with others I made the decision to take a big dose by myself. The recent trips that I had done had all been with other people involved, and every time I had been a bit annoyed that they talked too much and distracted themselves and me, and I always felt that I could've gone deeper. It was almost like a message, by the end of the last trip on a low dose with others, I was lying by myself in my friends bed and felt like I was in communion with the mushroom spirits, or my own guides, or my higher self, whatever. And the message was that I am ready to go deep, I've proved that this is for me and that this can truly help me and that I can handle it. I decided on the number of ten grams, it felt like a good even number and I had a vague memory that that is what Terrence Mckenna defined as a heroic dose. Then I looked it up and found out that Terrence Mckenna said that 5 grams is a heroic dose and I got a little scared. But I didn't want to go lower than 10, I had already made up my mind, and after all, Kilindi does 20. My strongest trip before this one was probably around 4 grams so it was quite the jump. So came the day that I had planned it with my family. I had eaten a very light breakfast, just a fruit smoothie, because I usually fast before and during trips. My wife and my two kids aged 4 and 1 left the house and I started the ceremony. First I cleared the house with Palo Santo, it's something that I'd been thinking of for a while but hadn't gotten around to and I felt like it was a good start of the session. I put away all the knives, not really thinking that it was a necessity but that I might as well. I started to weigh my stash of mushrooms and as I filled the bowl with ten grams I got scared again, it looked like a lot. I put it on the stove with the juice of two lemons and some water on the lowest temperature and laid down on a yoga mat and did shamanic breathing for twenty minutes. I was really pumped and excited and I laughed a lot like a maniac during the breathing session. After that I went back to the kitchen, took the mushrooms and put them in a cup and placed them in front of myself on the table. I like to begin and end the session with setting the intention with Tingsha bells. I prayed for all the help I could get and repeated to myself why I was doing this: communion with my truest nature, what I love and value most of all, to help me integrate and embody higher teachings and wisdom, to deepen my meditations, to help me synthesize all the domains I love in my life into a whole and to let go of anything that holds me back. I rang the tingsha bells. I started eating the mushroom tea. I say eat because it was more like mushroom porridge, holy cow. I didn't take it lightly, I knew it was gonna be challenging, but I was still very optimistic and overall positive. I laid myself down in the bed upstairs when I was done, under a blanket, and closed my eyes, no lights, nobody around. This was just around lunch time, 12 o clock. I don't remember as many details about this trip as I usually do, maybe that's to be expected as the intensity increases. The effects came on quite quickly, they usually do for me, and I got very meditative, my whole body felt vibrating and my eyes rolled back. I remember thinking: "what a wonderful silence" and then I started laughing at the fact that I had just ruined the silence with my own thinking. I then remember the usual mushroom experience getting started. So hard to articulate. Like I was in many different places at once. I could sense my body on the bed but that was such a tiny piece of the picture, there was definitely a lot of out of body experience going on, sensations all over. Visual, sensory and beyond. This went on for a while. An annoying urge to pee came up. I went to the bathroom and I had decided prior to the trip that I would consume any urine until the trip was over. It was just one full glass and it was quite pale. I said to myself: I just drank this, don't try to get away, mushroom friends. And I took the thing down no problem. Hardly any taste or colour or smell. I went back and continued the journeying. I don't remember much details from here on but I guess things got really intense and my ego got a strong reaction. Even though I'm well read up on how the ego can react and how to handle it this was so intense and I was so delirious that I believed my ego. This turned super difficult. I always thought bad trips were bad because you saw horrible scary hallucinations and felt awful things. But in this case it was the ego's lies and stories that were awful. I remember trying to control myself but having no possibility. Looking at the stairs, and all of a sudden they're gone and I'm gone, moments later they are back and as soon as they are back I remember that I have no control, and somehow the ego made me believe that I had gone mad, forever, that I was broken. And the scary part was that I believed it, even though it was unbelievable. This was so grim and awful, I can't fully put it into words. But I was fully convinced that my life was ruined. I thought of memories from my childhood, I thought of all the promise I had showed, I thought of all my hopes and ambitions. I said to myself, again and again: "I've gone insane. I've gone insane. I can't believe it. Fuck." I thought to myself that my kids had lost their father. This felt worst of all of course. And I was so delirious that I bought into the story 100%. I knew it was true and it was the worst situation I've ever had to deal with. I couldn't even deal with it because 80% of the time I was lost in a mushroom storm of insanity, a nightmarish strangeloop where cause and effect merged into the same thing and my surroundings blurred in and out. I remember looking at details in the house and seeing reality switch, going from an external 3dimensional world into it all being imaginary. Seeing my children exist for real and then not exist. What a fucking mindfuck. I felt like I was stuck in a loop where I fell and hit the floor, but somehow I fell through the floor and then I hit the same floor again, having no means to save myself. The perfect picture is a man by himself at sea in a damaged ship in the middle of a ferocious storm, getting hit by wave after wave and as soon as he manages to stand up he gits struck down by the angry ocean once again. Before the trip I had put away my cell phone and set it to flight mode not to be disturbed, I was sure I wouldn't need it, I've never been close to attempting to use my phone while tripping, but somehow I had made my way down the stairs to get it and gone up again. I couldn't maneuvre it though, and thank god I couldn't, because maybe I would have accidently called somebody else, and if I had succeded in calling my wife she I would've scared the shit out of her for no reason and she probably wouldn't ever have let me trip again. I remember looking at my phone and trying to unlock it and then I would be gone. Then when I was back I tried to get a hold of myself, I tried to see the phone but it got lost between the sheets, I would cling to my necklace like I was hanging from a cliff. For some reason I think all of this is hilarious now that I think back on it. I was such an idiot, I let my ego toss and turn all it wanted and boy what a mess it created. I think this went on for a long while. But one way or the other, I became conscious that something had changed. It was existence. Existence had changed. It became obvious to me that a cosmic shift had taken place. I thought to myself something along the lines of: "all these new age crack pots talking about a new era beginning were fucking right, I can't believe it" This is what I became conscious of: Existence had become stripped of everything I used to know. My life didn't exist anymore, no other beings existed anymore. All that existed was this room and this furniture and me. And we were not separate. Everything had boiled down to a perfect essence, a singularity, a single dot. Completely self-aware, completely perfect. I realized that this was an evolution from the way things were before and that this was a logical step forward. I also realized that this was irreversible and unchangeable, that it was now going to be this way forever, because time had been stripped from existence as well. I couldn't fucking believe that it had happened but again, I had to face what I was experiencing. Even if it was crazier than anything I could've ever imagined, reality was now perfect and empty of any sense of other, there was nothing unknown, no change to come. It was freaky as fuck. I listened to the sounds I made, they sounded almost like a monk chanting, with overtones and all. The chanting sounded like I had added filter effects, like on a syntheziser. But it wasn't a peaceful Om-sound, it wasn't a blissful hymn of divine union, it wasn't an understanding sound. I was literally saying: "Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat" I was soooo fucking surprised that I was God and I was complete and nothing else existed. "HOW CAN THIS BE, HOW CAN THIS BE!? WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT" Sometimes I almost forgot about this new state of existence and then I would think of my mother or somebody else I knew and I had to accept that they didn't exist anymore and nothing else but me would ever exist again. It was all me and the furniture in this room now (and we were not separate btw), and it was really hard to accept but I figured that I had to flow with the times, if this is a new cosmic paradigm that is obviously perfect then so be it. It's funny how I totally didn't draw a parallell between this and me taking shrooms. I was totally convinced beyond the shadow of a doubt that this was a new definite reality. I thought that enlightenment meant that my perspective would change, that I would see things differently, but this wasn't anything like that. All of creation had evolved and me with it, my perspective had nothing to do with it, I just had to comply and couldn't look at things any other way. It wasn't like I had a list of all facts of existence, but as soon as I thought of anything, I could always see that the led right back to me. I was the end all be all. First I had to go through accepting that my children had lost their dad to his insanity. Now I had to accept that my children and my family didn't exist anymore, and neither did I. Everything that had been part of my life had been stripped away. Stripped away as unnecessary. All that was left was a perfect self aware singularity, a supreme identity. There was nothing to do, nobody to judge, nobody to seek approval from, nothing to prove, nothing to protect, nothing to communicate, nothing to strive for, nothing to wonder, nothing to think about. I became more and more immersed in this and relaxed into it and accepted it. Then, somehow, I was back. Back to being just me in the bed, in the bedroom, feeling surprisingly sober and normal. What a relief. What an incredible gift to be robbed of your entire life, fully accepting it, and then GETTING IT BACK?! Free to pursue whatever I like without attachment, free from being crippled by poor self esteem, free from seeking pleasure from anywhere without!! It was 4pm, four hours had passed. I was surprised that it hadn't gone longer. I went down and rang the tingsha bells once more, the ceremony was over. I tried to to eat but I had poor control over my body so I had to wait, I tried to use my computer but same thing there. I kind of felt like I understood everyhting and I wanted to get online and share it somehow, but I could hardly log on to my computer account, so I went back to bed. I called a friend and I don't remember the conversation other than that I laughed an insane mushroom laugh. We said to talk more later. I called my wife and kids and we were happy to see each other. She said I looked happy and okay, we spoke shortly and said good bye. I thought about all I had gone through for a long time, lying in bed. After a while I started to pick myself together and clean the room. I noticed I was bare naked except my shirt, I don't remember how that happened but I found it really amusing. I picked up the puking bucket I had put next to the bed. I hadn't used it but it almost looked like a car had driven over it. I laughed and hugged it and said thank you for hanging in there with me. I must've fallen on it during the storm. I went down and made some green tea and warmed the bean stew I had prepared before. I felt like a million bucks. I was so proud of myself and felt like I could overcome anything, I probably didn't look like it but I felt like I was ready to tackle any challenge. I felt immense gratitude for being back in my normal puny self. Usually I long for God and have a lot of problems with accepting reality but now I felt like every square inch of my house and every cell in my physical body were my best friend. I spilled all my beans in my knee and almost got annoyed but I understood the message and said aloud: "Sorry, I made a mistake. Please let me have more beans. We are here to pickup after ourselves, to cleanup the mess we've made." This felt extremely true and real and I knew that the best way was to do it was as efficiently as possible, driven by gratitude and appreciation, so that we could then help others clean up after themselves. I felt like I now understand kharma better than ever before. This is our cosmic duty as humans, to repent for our sins as and help others along the way. I sang a lot because I'm a singer and I felt like a could've sung a duet with Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan, my voice was golden, with no limits or boundaries, as high and powerful and flexible as I wanted it to be. It felt like I could fly like an eagle. I felt like an american preacher and I kept wanting to say "Amen Hallelujah" Filled with strength and compassion and benevolence, I was ready to fully accept my humanity in order to be of the greatest use to mankind. I said to myself: "There is still a good fight in these ragged old bones, yessir, amen hallelujah" I went to the sauna in our Spa and hung out there for the remainder of the evening. All I could do was to think back to all the things I had experienced. I kept thinking about the insanity episode and laughed hysterically every time. When I was done it was 8pm and I texted my wife and thanked her so much for letting me do this and then I went to bed early. I couldn't sleep however, my head hurt and I was exhausted but I just couldn't fall asleep. All I did was stare at the ceiling and let my thoughts float around. Most they kept revolving around my experience and on what being God feels like. The clock was past 11pm when I finally fell asleep. The first thing I did in the morning was to clean the house. This is very unlike me, but something about my entire attitude towards life had changed. I felt like I wanted to be formal about it. Formal about picking up after myself, regarding all of life like office work, cleaning my kharma and helping my fellow men like an honorable duty that required a suit or something. That was an important helpful insight, because me and my wife have had a lot of arguments around my attitude when it comes to cleaning and keeping things in order. Other huge insights were that I am total. I have been really needy lately, craved sex and snacks, I've been wanting others to fulfill me, but now I know what God's nature is, and I know that that is my true nature. I am total and there is nothing to seek outside of myself. I also realize how much of what I do is about getting approval from people I look up to, constantly trying to prove myself. This is because of my bad self esteem and really disempowers me and makes me much less efficient. I pray that the positive effects in this domain are long lasting, this is a big one for me. On that note, that I am total also means that my children don't have to prove themselves to me, and they don't have to succeed in any domains where I have shortcomings that I want to make up for. I will have a better and less attached relationship with them now, where love can flow easier . The second night after the trip, which is last night as I'm writing this, I woke up in the middle of the night and remembered the feeling of being God. It was totally frightening. With the memory was the sound of my own voice going: "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT" I'll write more if I get more reactivations or insights. Babaji blesses the courageous. Amen Hallelujah.

Watched the movie yesterday and loved it. It reminded me of what it was like for me to go insane during a recent trip. It was really scary to see how insane he became but simultaneously extremely accurate in his observations of the status quo. I've had this feeling while watching clips of Charles Manson too, seeing his insanity but also recognizing in him an understanding of reality that mirrors my own that most normal people aren't even close to seeing. The big question I want to ask is: Is the Joker a zen-devil?

Happy for you! It is beyond frightening. But! Only from an illusory perspective. It is real, it is truth, it is accessible, and I feel grateful for having been initiated in the biggest mystery, I feel grateful that I was allowed to pass through the gate that so few are able to enter. I'm far from done in my journey, but I already know more than I ever thought was possible. A lot to feel grateful about indeed. Self-love! Yes! There always seems to be room for more, doesn't it? The last week I've been reminded of my experience many times. An image that comes to mind is all of reality as I know it crashing like a computer where the entire operating system freezes. Only that you can't reset the machine and keep going in linear time like you normally would, you realise that everything is Eternal, everything is a strangeloop, nothing to contain anything but itself, nothing can support anything but itself. The frozen operating system is more true than the illusion of you playing along on your computer. It is horrible, but also more epic and empowering than anything imaginable. I'm still integrating, for sure. Actually, I had this trip during a difficult time in my life, where I was very needy and unsatisfied. That went on until now basically, and I think the improvement of my difficulties has more to do with the external factors in my life than with the effects of the trip. That has been frustrating of course. I've sort of felt "Why have I been so enthusiastic about psychedelics? Indeed, I had the most amazing experience in my life, but now I'm just as depressed as ever. Does NOTHING truly help?" However, one way I coped with this difficult time in my life was to do a self-love meditation that came to me intuitively. Basically, I calm myself and relax, and then work with body awareness and visualize light (I've tried different colors and then settled on shiva-blue) all over my body, the light of divine self love. I've been able to tap into a muuuuch smaller version of the self-love I had during the trip, but still way more powerful than what I normally sense. I coat my subtle body with this love for as long as I like. OF COURSE it was worth it, no question about it. I don't think I sacrificed anything, it was all just an incredible gift. Happy that you read my report and that you can relate. I feel I am on the right track. Much appreciation for this forum where one can get support in processes like these, very rare and invaluable. Love

@electroBeam I don't recall increased heart beat, I wasn't noticing such fine distictions during the worst part in my case. I'm sure my ego could've focused on that if it wanted to. I have actually had uncomfortable sensations in my chest lately, but it started before the trip. I was hoping that I'd release with psilocybin but I think I need to visit a doctor and check myself I don't think I really overcame the fear, I was freaking out until I forgot all about it due to the fact that all of creation made a quantum leap transformation. Thank you all for reading and commenting, I find it extremely meaningful to be able to not only partake in this work but to also share my experiences to help other actualizers. I wanted to write a small update, 4 days later: The first night, just after the trip I slept like a log with no dreams as far as I can remember. The second night I woke up in the middle of the night with a vivid memory of being God, like I had gone back there while I was sleeping. It was frightening. In my head I could hear the sound of my own voice going WHAAAAAT. The exact same happened on the third night. In the evening before the fourth night I had quite a bit of anxiety, before I fell asleep I was in bed and meditated for 40 mins+. Focusing on my breathing and allowing energy to be transported to the top of my head. I was also using an Orgonite Pyramid and a Don Croft Terminator Zapper at the time. This night I had 2-3 experiences of being back again, the last one being the most vivid one so far. It was a bit more than a memory, I could stay with the experience for a while and it didn't fade immediately as I noticed it. Also, the night lamps that were on had a glowing reddish hue, almost as if there had been a psilocybin reactivation. This is the morning after that, I still have a lot of anxiety. I definitely feel torn between a rock and a hard place. On the one hand I face my habitual disinterest/disappointment with physical reality and on the other hand I am now terrified of the stripped and perfect higher realms. It could also be that I'm organically letting go off negative tensions that I've held onto for a long while, resulting in the anxiety. Stuff like that is expected when going through powerful experiences like this. I'll get by the best I can and meditate when I need to, I feel it helps and is perhaps extra crucial at times like this.

Focusing on small wins leads to big loss. I think a lot of people on this forum resonate with that statement. If you get caught up in the details of min maxing, you completely miss out on the big bucks (and other, more ethereal and valuable things) The thing is, I feel my company that I work for operates in this small wins kind of way, I'd like to communicate this in some way to our business peeps. Is there like a cool name for this phenomena from any kind of social studies or business fields? It has to be concrete to convince stage orange materialists who want RESULTS. Something like "the weldzermanner-effect, proven that over emphasizing small wins leads to detrimental results bla bla bla science bla bla bla convincing." I appreciate all help.

I am very disappointed with all your answers.

@Leo Gura So how can I make some of the leaders of my company see that they're being cowardly uninspired hacks?

This reminds me of what Ken Wilber often talks about. The differences between waking up, growing up and cleaning up. Roughly, waking up=spiritual eblightenment, growing up=spiral dynamics progress, cleaning up= shadow work. Most esoteric wisdom traditions do not cover shadow work, or cleaning up, because they are about detachment, and disidentification. it wasn’t until psychotherapy came along this last century that humanity got better tools for shadow work, where you actually have to IDENTIFY with and accept your shortcomings or anxieties to become free from them. Maybe that’s something you need right now. i think it was in this video: On a contradictory note: I also remember a quote from Maurice Nicoll, a Gurdjieff guy, it went something like: ”if you say you don’t like this work and it makes you suffer immensenly, why are you identifying with those objections and sufferings?” the point is that any suffering resulting from contemplation is not authentic either and can be used as more material for meditation. It doesn’t sound like that’s the advice you need right now, but it can help you detach from suffering in some cases and make it lose its power over you.

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@How to be wise the greatest progress! no doubt invaluable, and just the beginning.

I'm blown away by the level of this interview and the being of this psychonaut

Is anybody here familiar with dr Hulda Clark? I recently found out about her work and wanted to share. She has a book called The cure for all diseases. The main thesis is that parasites and pollution are the root cause of all sickness and that you can cure yourself using electricity for parasite removal and herbs and avoidance for detox. The claims she makes and the testimonials from certain Zapper-users are really incredible. Zappers are the electrical units used to kill parasites. I bought mine here: https://worldwithoutparasites.com/ The zappers on that page are amplified by orgonite as well, so they're extra woo-woo. That's a plus in my book, probably a minus in somebody else's. I've been using my zapper for a month soon, and it feels good. I think my spiritual practices, like praying and meditating, have been vividly amplified, but that could be because of an orgonite pendant and pyramid I got at the same time. That or my body is actually getting healed. Or I'm lost in delusion. Anyway, I think this is a fascinating fringe thing that people aren't aware of and since Leo has sometimes mentioned chronic fatigue, maybe this could help him get rid of potential parasites that are contributing to his illness.

A while ago I made a looong post about my experiences on an Enlightenment Intensive retreat. One thing I didn't mention in that post is that at one time during the retreat, I hit Access Concentration. Leo mentioned it in his video about Concentration Practice. After a long time of continuous inner work I finally didn't have to struggle to keep my attention on the subject of my contemplation. My brain "clicked" and I could just keep it there with almost no effort. I wanted to write this to put a little perspective on this thing. Because ever since I saw that Actualized video(don't remember the exact title, something about concentration), I added 1-5 mins of concentration practice to my daily routine, and I've been waiting for "Access Concentration" to happen. So, how long did it ACTUALLY take me to reach it? 20 minutes? 3 hours? No. It happened to me after 1,5 DAYS of CONSTANT contemplation. So there you go, just a little perspective on what to expect. ps: here is a link to the full retreat experience post: