Kode13

@Leo Gura My aplogies for delayed answer. Shit hit the fan, and I barely could find the time for my meditations. Don't get me wrong Leo. I did not mean to thrash your teachings. I am aware that i have a long way to go, an yes - i am not that kind of person to walk the way on my own. I am here because it was your teachings that made me end up in this rabbit hole. So i don't know how to reconsile that our reality is built from concepts and the fact that it was showned to me by a concept. I was directly aware of all concepts, it wasn't an intelectual conclusion that i had, yet i don't know what can i trust anymore. Meanwhile, i realized that me being uncomfortable with this paradox is a story as well, so i let it go. It is a weid mindfuck now, if i try and put a concept on what i feel - i fundamentally don't trust myself and reality, and i am weirdly chill about it. If there is nothing but story, all i can do is make the best out of it - I guess. After all - unconciouss mind is still the one that pulls strings almost 100% of a time, no matter what. Maybe an unimportant update on my decision. The reality presented itself in a way, that there where no other options left for my subconciousness than a choice A. I'll admit that I got triggered in taking a choice. Now there is a person in a hospital after a suicide attempt. What i whant to thank you for Leo, is that I see that suicide was that persons choice and decision, and not mine. I see my responsibilty for now, and I choose to put past in the past, and continue to self actualize. P.S. Funny though. When I was checking my letter for mistakes, i had a thought - Still!!! How the fuck can i trust the word I am saying!!!

Leo. You are right! Except one: I do want to hear it, because - Exactly!!!! It is so - exactly, that even this - excatly, is another story. A week ago, while journaling and contamplating self and reality, I became aware that all my mind ever gets to interact with are concepts upon concepts and even that now is a concept. My sense of self is built from concepts. What you teach are concepts. The process of teaching itself is a concept. Self actualization is a concept. When i look at the Sun, all I really do I interact with a concept of the Sun. If what you say about consciousness is true, isn't that a case that a concept of the Sun is more real than the Sun itself? When we die, I mean physicly, isn't that a story aswell? Meanwhile "The real world problems" don't go anywhere. If I need to take a shit, I have to live (tell) that part of a story one way or another. People are waiting for my decision. And that's a story. People will be afected by my decision. And that's a story. If I will bury my head in the sand, time will go on and that will be a story. I mean - How can I possibly know anything, if all my life, 100% without exception, including self, including actualization, including my problems, is just bullshit that I tell myself. Misterman. Thank you! Looks like right direction, if I look through the fingers that those are just more concepts. Aurum. All choices, no matter right or wrong, make wholes in my Maslow's hierarchy. And all choices, if "wrong", creates unjustified and and ill thought through emotional suffering for myself and other people. And we lose something, i think, fundamentaly beautifull about life. Solace. I have seen "The realization that there is nothing to realize" before, and it Always was for me like "Wait, what?"

I have to make a big decision and through self analysis i have found reasons why to take path A and not a path B. The thing is i don't know if that is just another story that I tell myself. A Story. It's all there is end all there will be. I mean - even what we do here, if we are honest with ourselves, is just another story we tell ourselves. I dont see where a the story telling ends. I don't see the border between a story and what I am for real, and what i really want. Without a story. I know that higher of you can smile and say - No self No problem. But i have to a decision to make. A really important one. And i don't want to make a decision based on a story.