illia

I've been on this on this actualized journey for the past 2 years and I've grown so much as an individual. My sense of others has improved, my confidence has grown so much, I've been meditating for the past year and a half, I've even been on a 10-day vipassana course. I'm writing this because I have a food addiction. When things get tough I run away from my problems into food and Youtube. When I fall into the pit, nothing else matters. I will abandon my diet plan, I won't go to the gym, if I have an exam in school, I won't study for it, I'll ignore my friends calls. It's like I put myself into a bubble in which I feel comfortable and I don't let any responsibilities in. I'm writing this as I've relapsed again today. Honestly I can't see what else am I to do. I'm aware that presence during times of hardship is my answer, but it's like a battle is going inside of me. One part of me is losing hope and the other part is being mindful of the first part. It's easy for me to say now that I will try harder the next time but I've told myself this for too many times. When the addiction hits I feel like I have no control over myself and the only left thing for me to do is to relapse. Another thing that I've noticed is that if I'm in the company of other people I won't become self destructive, only when I am alone, will I fall off the wagon. An easy solution would be to find myself a group of people with whom I would be surrounded 24/7, but I feel like I would just mask the problem with that. I don't know, I guess I just need others people view on this.

You've hit it on the spot. I watched the video you linked and I've read the article. From what I've read I'm a typical "the obsessive" type. I work for a couple of weeks, the things that need to get done, get done, in my work I flow, I get into a higher consciousness, but it just isn't sustainable. I crash and I burn. I stay on my diet and I lose a couple of kilograms, but after some time I crash and I binge back to where I've started. https://youtu.be/jymhbbZiL6A?t=37m He talks about this problem here. My homeostasis always bumps me down to the level on where I "should be". I push through and I get pushed right back down. I have all these things that I want to improve in my life (staying on my diet/going to the gym, going out and improving my social skills, reading books, studying for my graduation exams, learning how to code...) and I want to work on them at the same time. This probably isn't the best thing to do. On how many goals should I try to focus on? My biggest goal is for the next 3 months is getting into a college I'm applying for, but in this time I also want to cut down on my weight. This is just an idea that I had right now, but I will try to focus on only these two things. Though I still will go out at least 5 times a week (20 minutes minimum) to improve on my social skills (talking to strangers, approaching girls etc.) or am I pushing it?. It's only 20 minutes a day, right?

For more than a year now, I am continually going from periods of when I do what I have to do (I'm productive, I go to the gym, I stay on my diet etc.) and periods when I don't do nothing and I just feel sorry for myself. It's easy for me to stay on my journey to my dreams, but when I have a bad day I just can't resist the temptation to slack off or to eat some junk food. When I subdue to my emotions I go into a downward spiral. Sometimes I can pull myself out in just a day, but a while back I got out of a period when I was swimming in my own shit for 2 months straight. I'm not going to school this year and so I have a lot of free time on my hands. It feels like my mind doesn't want to succeed. I love the state that I get when I work on myself, but after a while my body says "This isn't you, let's go back to how you used to be.". I always slacked when I was a kid, even in highschool I always took the easy way. I cheated in school and I always took the path of least resistance, but in the past year I've grown a lot and I see now that work sets a man free. How do you get yourself out of you own shit? Reaching my goals is what I live for, but with these low consciousness periods, my dreams are not realistic. That one day always messes me up. If I wake up a bit cranky, if my energy levels are depleted or for whatever reason I may have, I slack off. Plus I'm a perfectionist. If I have a bad morning I always say that I already messed up my routine and so I slack for the rest of the day. From then on it just goes worse. Do you know any material I can read on this topic, maybe you know had the same issue and you worked it out? I've been meditating for the past year and I can see that I still have some inner issues. I can get present, but in those crucial moments, where I fall off the wagon, I just can't get myself to look inward. Any thoughts or advice on this topic are greatly appreciated. Thanks