AuthenticMeli

I feel extremely powerless. I feel like laws and people in positions with higher influence have the power to decide if someone I love can stay with me or not. I cannot accept that. I know that this is irrational since laws help to sustain order. But my inner child, my ego, something inside of me does not want to accept that I cannot do anything. I feel like this makes my feelings bottle up. I feel angry. I feel hate. I want to hurt something, someone or myself. But maybe it is better to disappear because in the end everything is meaningless, right? Or should I just smoke a cig and wait for something to happen. The decision. Should I just smile and act as if I am okay. No, I would act like a manic. But why not: nothing matters. I can do whatever I want: I can just laugh and have fun and not be sad at all about the fact that I am powerless. Hey, Love is egoistic, right? Just let go and everything will be fine, right?

Hey, you know that you can do all this in your dreams at night, right?

Hey, I have a question: Did you just chat with her online or did you ever meet her in person? Because if it was online you should not overreact in my opinion. You can tell her that you are worried about what she wrote, showing that you take her serious but maybe there was no reason to worry.You can ask her if she wants to talk about it. If the answer is no than do not talk about it again unless she wants to. -Peace and Love

Rain. Tears. Good Bye. Silently.

Hello dear people, I am in a very hard phase in my life. I have my first relationship. And now things start to get really hard because everyone is starting to doubt that there is a future for the relationship, not because we do not want to but because there are some external factors that might lead to and end. I am totally aware of that but I still want to believe that there is a future until we will not be together anymore... I understand that people tell me that this is naive and stupid. But I think maybe this has to happen... I have to find it out by myself, I have to experience it. And yet...the fear of the unknown is there...maybe we were wrong. All I want to know if there is a future for us... but this is sick. I cannot know that and I sure do not want to fall into a self-fulfilling prophecy... and then I think to myself.. I should enjoy every last moment with that person. But people think that this is too crazy, my whole future will be destroyed (note that my family is religious). I think I desperately try to do both and end up feeling miserable.. on one hand I feel like yea.. I can totally wait until that future comes and proves wrong at the same time I think there might not even be a future for us so I could use the present time to see them. Do you think I should wait patiently and try to believe that there is a future? Should I take the risk? Maybe I will never be able to even say good bye like I want to.. I would have to leave and live on. I think in this way I will keep all the best memories and hope that there will be more. Other way around I would feel scared, desperate and totally needy and everyone else is super angry at me. I would love to hear some word from you since I feel so damn confused and sad about all this. -Peace and Love

I AM BACK!! With a lot of things to tell... but I do not feel like writing a lot about them so I will tell you shortly in a list: I left "Islam" I do not wear a hijab anymore and my dad was shocked and ignored me first I fell in love with a guy and we were in a relationship for three months I told my mother about this she could not handle it and told it to my dad who could not handle it so they told my uncle and aunt: they are scared that this relationship has no future My "boyfriend" (this is a label and he is human btw) is a little bit older than me and also studying... but with hardships. He is going through a hard phase again when it is not clear, if he can even stay in the country. Now I am confused. We love eachother but I also know that we hurt each other by not letting us go. I could say you can go to a safe country.. He could say I am sorry I tried everything but this is not going to work out. So my parents know, I am aware of the complexity of the drama I somehow created myself. I realized how dysfunctional my relationship with my parents is.. I have the urge to leave them. Sadly I have to stay with them because I have an internship in the city Sometimes I feel so scared because of what I did and what kind of consequenses might follow: my family is disappointed that I made the wrong choices. And in the end I might even be completely alone because my boyfriend has to leave. But then I imagine that I am in a lucid dream and ask myself: Okay, what do I want to do now? I distance myself from the "problem" I could do whatever I want to. I could live without them. I would miss them but I do not need them. Crazy shit. Then I hate myself for thinking that. I think I try to find a solution and since there is none I try to do something against my burning fears that come and go: I do not eat, I smoke sometimes, I cry... Now that I do not believe that "god" tries to test me and this and that life seems so strange and absurd. Why are all these things happening? Because I want to? Okay what else can I do?? Long story short this entry is a "I am back" entry.. I am back to spiritual development.. since I realize the "low-Consciousness" way to deal with my disturbing emotions is not working. Not even suicide comes to my mind. I only want to be more aware and think to myself "okay, now what?" I feel like an "asshole" right now.. maybe I always was one but now I have come to realize... woah.. mindblowing.

Hello dear people, now that a few weeks have passed I feel like writing a little bit. I do not know how I can describe this feeling but it seems like all the people around me "the intellectuals" are influencing the way I perceive the world. On one hand I have to adapt otherwise I would not be able to study for my classes and discuss with people informally... I feel like back then when I was a kid and I tried to explore the world. I like this. But at the same time I cannot find myseld doing any self-enlightment work anymore. I would have to force myself. I liked to listen to the videos a lot but now I would have to force myself.

Break. Pause. Breathe.

I am at home, talked to my parents, my grandmother knows about my thoughts, they first accepted it but I think they are still confused... and they are scared to be held responsible for my "sin"... I regret that I decided to wear a headscarf.. because right now I am so stuck... I am expected to act like a utilitarian ... do what is the best for the most of the people... but is it really the right thing for me? when I feel so sad... I thought I can relax from all my anxiety I had, I was about to read some literature for a presentation I have on monday... then my mom asked "are you sure about that, did you thought about it again?" I said yes, I saw her tears coming "you will make us responsible when you are burning in hell" To be honest, I was mentally so exhausted that I thought, maybe I should just do whatever they tell me, go back to mosque, then I would not have to think about life anymore

sigh... next week will be really busy for me...

I could just go home without headscarf see my dads disappointed face, my mother would be shocked, my sisters would be confused... I would feel the adrenaline. And what then? Maybe they will get scared, they will think that letting me move out was a bad idea.... they will think I will be doing naughty stuff... maybe they will forbid me to go back... I do not want to take this risk... I think it is too complicated. I could just go home with my headscarf and lie "okay, I changed my mind. I will try my best to stay like I am" but when I will go back I will be doing all that stuff that my parents will not expect? Okay, should I try solving it now... should I postpone this decsion since I do not live home... but I do go home every now and then and I would have to have a double life... that is also mentally exhausting. I do not want to go home because why would I call sth home where I have to lie about myself. I do have more important stuff to do rn but once in a while all these feelings and thoughts pop up. I want to talk to my aunt about this. She might be the only one that could help me. Because she also took her headscarf of. There is a thing I do not understand: my parents used to be very chill in their early adulthood,my mom used to be a hairdresser, she was very stylish and used to hang out with her friends and be very outgoing. Then she had to marry an asshole and then I came into existence. Then they divorced. She married again, wore headscarf, had bad depression because of the new family. Her husband now, he also was very active, used to do sports, was very good at art. His father never liked the idea that his son is an artist. Feeling left alone my dad of course worked physically hard to be like a real man. He was also feeling guilty for leaving the islamic school probably his parents made him feel like this. In general you can see that they had a very unique lifestyle with their own values, but moving to the city of that family, interacting with them, made them follow stuff they also do not want just because it is said to be the law of god. Maybe I should mention that my family is very conservative. I remember thinking "thank you god that I met this family, now I am at the right path"... I always felt like they were right and our saviors from hell. But the older I get the more I disagree to that extend that I do not believe anything what they tell me. I had this dream that my parents and my sisters move to a new town and start from all over again, without that religion. I could see how my parents live up their potential, how every day is unique because there is always sth new to learn from living... I do not want to think that okay tomorrow will be the same and then we will die and will get punished in this and that way. Why should I live then if I already what will happen.. I feel like I am child again... where I did not think about god and religion where I just lived and tried to make sense myself. Blabka they say.. we need rules otherwise everyone would have sex with one another and there would be no respect and blabla... I do not want to hate an ideology... but I also do not want to support it. I do not want it. I also do not want it that my family does but I cannot change that. I also cannot change their reaction to me saying all this. I lied... I said I am still muslim. But I am not. I am not a muslim and I do not want anyone to force me to be one... but then again I think is this not too selfish... leaving your family your parents, your sisters with confusion... something in their life wold not make sense. This is our reality how can she not accept that. Surely they will think that I am a disbeliever that will burn in hell, they will use me as an instrument...if you do like her you will burn in hell too. No one would talk to me...But know that I think of it.. I am not even their family maybe they will use this as an excuse... she had not our genes, her real father was a psychopath and he will also burn in hell so will she, I am not scared of burning in hell... I could even live with gossip and my family ignoring me, but I do want my mother and my sisters by my side.. I do not want to loose them.. I am afraid that they will be brainwashed to let me go... I think if I cannot solve this I will probably try to find my new own family, new relationships, I would start to be a "problem kid" in their eyes... and they would think it is my fault... they would be so scared to let my sisters move out and study. so yeah... maybe I should just have a double life... I think this is the easiest way.. I am kinda regretting of telling my father about my thoughts.. but I should act like I decided against this and.. on one hand I will go home and I hate to lie... on the other hand I will propbably say fuck it... I will do whatever I want... But this makes me hate myself, it is such a burden. I do not have any hope anymore besides my aunt. And if she also is against me.. then I do not know... then I should say hello double life... I will maybe end up with a disorder or depression idk.. I just want to live my one life.. I do not want to split anything..so the I should take the step? and leave everyone confused and angry... leave them..? even if it is selfish?even if everyone would blame me that sth did not go their way... I tend to go with this... I told you I am stubborn and cold... actually I do not care at all what others think... but I know my family does... and maybe they could not live with it.. ahhh the anxiety in my heart.. I feel hopeless but I know what I want to do.. I am just too scared.. maybe I will just go home do it all once.. initiate the worst and scariest thing for me... live and see what will happen from there on... otherwise I will think about it hypothetically... wondering what might have happened. Okay.. okay okay... or maybe I should just runaway.. or killing myself.. this would also make everyone feel confused but then I do not have to bother with it.. but I do not want to kill myself.. I am ready to fight first.. but I need an ally.

What can I do? Nothing? So, two weeks or so have passed since I took my headscarf of. I am happy about my decision and I started to be more social and outgoing. And I do not say that I could not do that before because of my scarf I could.. but I never did.. because I felt so stuck, following someone elses rules. Out of fear. The only thing that is bothering in my nightmares is my family. I dream that I am now free to express myself like I want to. And this may be selfish but I cannot continue doing stuff that people tell me to do. I see myself in my dream exposing this to my parents. I hesitate but I really wish I could tell them. I noticed how I stopped calling them because of this because I have to hide from them. My friend said it would be better to wait and tell them laterso they will not think that I got influenced by "bad" people. But I cannot do this. It really bothers me. So, today I woke up with energy and did some work. And then this feeling got intense again. "I want to tell them but I cannot. I am so sad." So this time, I got my phone and called my mom who did not pick up. Then I called my dad. Small talk. But I could not concentrate. I hesitated like in my dream. But then I started with "you want my best right?"he said yes. And then I told him that I decided to take my headscarf of. Silence. And then he started to explain in calm voice to me,tyring to convince me: back then you were a kid you did not have to but now you do,can you carry the sin with you? do you want to burn in hell? you want to be like all the other people, what will the peopke think of you when you take it on and off whenever you want? this is gods law, your evil voice is telling you this, I want you to be special, not like an irresponsible human, i want to give you to someone in a headscarf and then you can decide with your husband about your headscarf, we carry the sins of our children do you really want to give us this burden. I told him that I did not wear it out of my belief, that I forced myself, that I never did it for god but everyone else. I can remember thinking like him. Black and white. If you do not wear a headscarf you are a bitch mentality. I know he will not like it, that I will be against all this. I can understand it but I do not want to controlled by all this anymore. And yes this could mean that I am a dibeliever maybe I am. Maybe I do not want god in manmade rules. I want to experience god in everything I do. I do not want him to be manifested in this religion, and if you do not follow it then god hates you. And will burn you in hell. I do not want to hurt my parents, I still want to maintain a relationship with them, I do not do all this because I want attention, this is not a rebellion against my parents, I want them to accept me even if that means "burning in hell for me" if they believe that this will happen. But maybe this will make them hate me. Maybe they want me to rethink this. Follow their rules until I am married which I do not want. I am very stubborn about my decision. This is my truth and if I go back to old... then this is the biggest disrespect to "god" in my opinion. But what should I do know? I really do not care what others think of me, that for them I look like a bitch or a disbeliever, disrespectful girl,.. honestly I do not want these kind of people in my life, I do not even want to marry someone who thinks that someone with a headscarf has more value than someone without. But sadly my parents are like this. I think they are scared of peoples opinion. Of my grandparents opionion. Their self esteem is somehow dependant on me wearing a piece of fabric on my head???? As I said, I love my parents but I cannot do this for them. But maybe I should??? But I do not want to. If I continue with my own path this may cause conflict. Maybe the will not even want me anymore. I am scared of that. I am crying right now.. why would god want parents to abandon their child if they do not believe and do as they want to... even if it is against gods will... does this make any sense... Being abandoned and ignored/ continue to force myself to fit into a corrupt system where I have to obey without being convinced? Both are very horrifying options. Will this decision change my life? Everything could be easy... if my parents stop for a moment their ideologies and listen to my truth. It is not their truth... Honestly I feel so bad rn... I am happy and relieved that I told him that... I knew that this day would come but I could not wait... maybe this was stupid... but my heart could not hide it anymore. I just want to know if they will accept it or leave me... our life, our family, or your life, do you want to be selfish, alone? Is this going to happen? if yes then what should I do.. I go back to university and tell everyone I lied, my parents are not accepting and loving my decision... then I do not want to live anymore.. I would have my family, but I would not be me, I would be like a living corpse, Is it all my fault? Maybe I should have just stay quiet... and keep staying the same... no one would know about my inner thoughts, no one would complain that I do not make sense because I wrapped like a nice gift that can be given to a man... then I would have kids, probably be so depressed that I could care about them, I would start to hate everything , I could not make the best out of the situation because I know that I had the chance to stand up and talk. And now I cannot trust anyone but myself.... I have no trust in my family only hope.

Hey @Torkys thanks so much. I am so happy to talk to people here on this forum and share my thoughts too which I have hided so long. Actually, Meli is the name of my stuffed ice bear which I have since I can remember. For me she is representing my inner self and thoughts, she knows everything. And know she tries to be honest and open. Which of course means that I try to be open and honest about myself ... I am Meli and Meli is me () I am happy that you also decided to be here and share your thoughts. I am already without headscarf for two days but I have not written anything about it yet because I cannot translate my feelings into words. We will see how it will go. Have a nice day!

@DocHoliday I think when we cringe about something it tells us a lot about us. Over the past months I stopped cringing about every lil thing that makes many people cringe, like bronies? Come on that is normal. I thought I was almost immune but thanks to you and this guy who shot the video "A Day in the Life of a Pick Up Artist (Raw Footage )" i am really disturbed which makes it really hard for me to think about non duality at the moment. Just no. But yes I leared sth new. That the thing that is disturbed is somehow thinking that it is seperate from everything.

Today, was a weird day. Right now, I do not feel like talking too much about it. Life continues and right now I am confronted with a new things. I know how I feel about all of them.. but I really do not know how to express my feelings (again). Maybe I will tell you about ths next time. Now, I will just see what other journals have to tell me. Good night.