Anna Konstantaki

game of life/self deception OOOoooooeeeeeeEEeeeeoooooooooooOOOOO was that bottle a red herring? ah, damn...

7487 I commit to continue writing my journal in this forum. I am afraid of making any promises or setting big new goals. I think if I had a better emotional vocabulary it would contain endless shades of fear and worry. These are so sneaky- they really hide everywhere. I lie a lot. That is why I often like to use "It" instead of "I". That helps me being more honest. What I want to work on: my academic performance/work ethics (completely in backslide mode right now) clarifying my vision for life meditation (emotions, acceptance, awareness, visualizing, techniques) There are other domains that I want to work on as well but I want to prioritize these for now because they are sort of the frame that I need before I can shoot for anything bigger. It wanted to make this first post simple and clear so that It can return to It any time and check if It did any progress. That´s it/It -(° °)-

I don´t know how we will solve the marketing problem. (Tried for a couple of hours... :S) I don´t know how we could build a skin under a skin, a system under a system so that the old one could just peacefully break off without everything collapsing into chaos. Or at least I can´t tell you in detail... ...I watched "into the wild" on 24th of December for the first time. I think this movie is sad. I have linked survival, nature, freedom, truth and escape differently... Sigh... Movies... Leo incepted this idea in my mind that this is all equally unreal... Do I feel alive when I face the elements or when I sit inside a room or when I walk the same routs again and again? I feel like life is more surreal than ever. I could talk about my new job. What do you mean with "that is a bad idea?" Who are you? Fear? How´s it like to work indirectly for the government? (Well, I definitely know too much to work for almost anyone... Private or non... And at least I am not involved in selling bullshit?) I can´t even decide if I find it boring or interesting... Well, it is not exactly where I´d go to practise non violence (I don´t think it´s my time yet?) ... Neither would I practise violence... Running should do best in my case... At least that is what they told me... In the current context. And walky talkies are cute? I am everyone but everyone´s so full of surprises... That awkward moment when you realise that one of the people you liked most does actually have certain values which stand in contradiction with those of someone who should keep certain people safe... I have a fascination with people who twist everything around in an astounding speed, who use every clue you give them to trick or test you, to impress you, who even admit how they like being reassured. Their logic rules their empathy, their compliments, advice and jokes are strategic and for some reason you can see how they try to always be alert because they don´t trust anyone even amongst "friends". Of course I have to become friends with the knockout specialist... Of course... (sigh...) But there is nothing I love more than Leo´s arrogant better knower, I am so far ahead of you asshole smile which I perceive that way because I´m not always dead... Until I get more of his self proclaimed dessert (let me add poisonous...) <3 <3 It must be True love... Just like P!nk described it in her song... Embodying wisdom or the divine feminine? Failed. Failed so bad day 1 I burped as a statement of opinion about someone´s behaviour towards me (I have trained myself to burp whenever I want to even without any consumption of soda). When the person asked where I was from I answered "my mom´s vagina" (I still regret that because it´s not the truth, at least just one materialistic perspective on it)... Yes, I know... I love working with men. I feel much more comfortable around them... Then there was that day when I constructed a gigantic paper plane out of the old calendar... And I played some ping pong with the Kurds and Arabs. One of them says I am a problem, another says I am sweet. I could go on with all the naughty bullshit... At least I am doing some linguistic fieldworks when time allows it because I want to understand what they are saying... Most refugees speak Arabian, a lot speak Kurdish and some speak Russian. I think I am 1 and a half episodes of actualized.org behind? But I´m still here. Somehow... But look I got some subtractions for you? uncertainty minus fear= magic unpredictability minus fear= journey/exploration/enlightenment thoughts/sensing time minus fear=peace

Once there was a powerful wizard known by the name of Trip Balls... ... Trip Balls had the ability of turning shit into magic... He gathered a bunch of weirdos around him as his kind of sorcery was no widely known or practised art in his time and space. The weirdos watched his tricks in awe as their shit was transformed into magic rainbow bubble clouds... One day so many magic cloud bubbles gathered that they started raining! Touched by the magic raindrops the weirdos started acquiring more and more magic powers by themselves. One day they had so little shit left inside of them that they could do pure magic... With that pure magic they all desired to do the same... Namely spread as much as possible of it out into the world. On this they based their visions and their purpose. At some point they were all so conscious of the magic that they felt it flowing through them every moment of their lives. They became a force of nature. Aware of the ever seeing eye they had created... They grew... So did their number... And their vision... And the eye... By copying itself... Like a colourful virus... And that? Well, it flowered... It just bloomed... It transformed into a flower... All these circles of wizards and witches were the petals of that flower... All these circles started overlapping and entangling, they just merged into one big, infinite flower. Everyone became conscious of the endless field of colourful magic. Everyone realized how it had actually always been there. And knowing that... They went off doing things we can´t imagine yet... (this last image is "the flower of life" by JanRobbe- the rest is all mine ) PS.: Trip Balls: !!

1. Choose someone you want to forgive (parents, teachers, co-workers, boss, friends, relatives, significant others even strangers and of course yourself). Could be something old or new, severe and traumatic or rather unimportant and silly. 2. Write what/why you want to forgive them or would like to forgive them or maybe even can´t forgive them yet or ever (If somebody happens to have written the same thing that you wanted to then just mark the username and say: same). 3. Look at what the others wrote. Try to see yourself in them (fear, judgement, hurt, lack of love, jealousy, shame, ignorance etc.) DO NOT COMMENT anything. Just let things go. Whatever they are, whatever the story of yours or someone else is and however deeply you think you understand it or not. Do not judge. Do not give attention to your own victimhood or other victims (even if it seems heartless). Do not give advice (even if your ego wants to tell you what a great idea that is). Let´s go! Let´s see how far we can get this!

I forgive myself for starting this thread and naively believing that people will use it. I forgive myself in advance for giving away secrets, knowing that I will probably regret that. I forgive myself for feeling uncomfortable and showing how vulnerable I am. I forgive myself for putting me through emotional labour. I forgive myself for being selfish. I forgive myself for being so attached to my story. I forgive myself for thinking there is anyone who needs to be forgiven... I forgive myself fearing someone might find this useless, neurotic or stupid.

Actually, for those of you out there... Who sent nudes to someone and regret it... Who maybe where pressured or just trusted the wrong person... Just know, it´s not your fault and you were and are not dumm if you happen to feel that way. Here is compassion for you and I´m sorry if I caused you bad memories, judgement or any pain. This nudes thing is maybe some potential trap I have not fallen into (but I have wrong decisions on my record too )...

Dear Spiral, since nobody is answering, I will... You ask a girl/woman for nudes, you ask her to send something through the internet which... STAYS there. Even if it hopefully ever only meets your eyes it does not feel like a very safe idea... In our culture nudity itself is first and foremost linked to sex and sexuality... Those are intimate things (maybe they wouldn´t if we talked more about them but that is another story). When you ask me to send a nude you appear needy. Suppose you ask an attractive person for nudes I assume that you won´t hang it on the wall but use it for your pleasure... Suppose you ask somebody just in order to see if that person would go so far to engage in something which in the very best case they get something equal back (if I got a nude or compliment or sexting back I´d probably still not feel as if it was some worthy action since I have better things to do with my time than take my clothes off and make pictures and if I want sex I want real sex and know where and how to get it, even moreso with plain orgasms) then... You are needy for approval. It basically tells me that you like being showed how much another needy person falls for you. This has nothing to do with a healthy relationship, let alone unconditional love. It´s all about power. This is why I once sent someone my middlefinger, my face with a big smile on it andto round things up with some humor, a string on my head back when I was asked to send nudes. Oh and... If you keep asking for nudes even if I resuse then you are not just unattractive due to your needyness and maybe even shortsighted and stupidity but also annoying. Hope that satisfyed you as an answer... PS.: Why don´t you try yourself in the art of giving girls orgasms through text messages? (like Leo). That be real approval... And is much more satisfying... Even if it means listening and giving. (Even though, I must confess, I never tried that... I think I´d rather use my energy for something else...)

...better 9 to five jobs then... I don´t know what to do... ...Let´s pray... My infinite mindfuck who art in heaven, Hallowed be my name, or not. I don´t give a fuck if My kingdom come. I don´t care if My will be done on earth, as I don´t care about heaven. I earn my daily bread... Or steal... Or die... Fuck tresspasses. As tresspass isn´t even real. Fuck temptation, I´m free to do any evil. I am the kingdom, Fuck the power and the glory, Forever, Amen

...and then I was naive enough to think that I could do the sagely stuff on top of everything else... ...and then I left my studies... I could get back into uni or something similar as people suggest me to and sell my soul... ...I could sell it for some years... And I´d come back and find hundreds of videos and lessons I wouldn´t had watched or processed in my mind... How much I´d had have to unlearn...

... and then Leo came and said that he always was a strategic motherfucker...

ahahahaha ...oh dear

hahaha

@Alien ...true ... That holds its dangers... Heh... And if it was just religion it goes downhill with... Oh. There was something wrong with my initial thought I guess. The only reason to network for us would be teaching, guiding, inspiring, motivating... It would not be external change in the world since the change... Would be us. Within us externalized into our actions... Or non actions... There is a lot of power in NOT doing sometimes after all... It might probably not fit our time but NOT eating was quite effective for a Gandhi for example... ...Or what about that zen master Leo mentioned about the other day? If I could choose to not stand up and defend myself in the moment someone´s about to kill me and just feel like I can leave in this way without blinking an eye? (Sigh...) Difficult! Good night my alien friend

@Alien Oops... Maybe... But... Don´t you think this differs from religion in the way that there is no fixed rules or belief system to go with, no fixed stories, just practise and experience, it´s open and free.This differs in the sense that there is not one founder or bunch of founders people are taught by. Everyone listens to everyone and makes up their own mind. Everyone is truly a Budha and a Christ for themselves if you want so... ... Religion never pre mortemed itself. Religion does not consist of consciouss agents. Religion doesn´t make fun of hierarchy by giving people monkey and ape ranks... I could keep going...

@Alien Maybe it´s even possible, if enough people embark on this journey, to create a network of deep understanding seekers and big picture thinkers. Let´s say we really explore life and reality in widths and depths nobody ever did... If we live out creativity with at least not directly system dependent businesses... Away from the corruptions... Spread to all kinds of domains whilst helping others find their independence and pursue truth... Deep knowledge and wisdom of us and all those who follow... We could build some Jedi like community. haha... Maybe we could work parallel to the government?? Maybe we could change something. Give alternatives to people. Empower them to do so... to create independent thinking and acting. To spread consciousness after all... ...And to heal the planet. As a whole. What do I know what the plans are? I haven´t even finished my dreaming...

I guess it will be on the nature of reality then... Because: "Reality is a strange loop" (Leo) ... and it has orgies with itself... Kind off... ... And its inside is outside and its outside in... And... You can travel it infinitely in multiple loop dimensions based on perspective? And... Stuff like that...

God flows through the humans to feel in their ways. Teach god the truth through the experience of human hearts, skins, noses, tongues, ears, eyes... Teach god sustainably, show beauty, share the love and teach the wise. But always trust, even the harshest question, as god sees through all of lies. Thoughts are fallible as they are part of a fallible mind but trust god as god is learning, that will show which way is right. By teaching god you´ll be gods student and maybe one day a master just as bright. Maybe... ... If I don´t fall back to feeling tainted...

... And within the world arising all the ends and all beginnings, all borders and all states... Are things... Tragedy/trauma Any kind of abuse, emotional, physical, sexual, any kind of loss, by the hand of someone or the play of circumstances, or any kind of diagnosis or shitty prophecy or prediction, any of these events are a call to look at life deeper and ask why and how and when... It´s a call to understand how the world functions and what the hell it is. When it´s all fine we rarely ask why me, why now, why this? We just float in mediocrity or paradise in no appreciation. We don´t want to run from it in pain and wonder where our place is, neither do we care to find ways within it to solve what we would call a problem of suffering, of discomfort. It is a call to start from that small part of fate, of pre given circumstance and destiny, of that story of yours to expand to all the other and get to know the world, life, reality as a whole. Anyone who is too fixed on single lives, single stories, who does not see a bigger picture is missing out on the best the human experience can give and is, furthermore, prone towards depression or unhealthy ways to fill his/her life in order not to suffer that. Without those who misinterprete tragedy we could not value the construction of positive meaning and even truth as a whole, we could not understand the mechanics of ignorance and knowledge or beliefs. Without those who understand tragedy in depth we would not be woken up and get inspired to become better and more ideal, to work harder for a less tragic world than we would had ever in the comfort of Eden. Misfortune and crime do hold us back from evolving but are along with bare survival its co-creators. Tragedy in all its forms, is perfect. Minus times minus makes plus... "The traumatized are unpredictable because we know we can survive." (from Dexter). I don´t know how peaceful a healthy death can be but I do know that it can teach us much to encounter death at least once, unprepared. There are many ways of human dying but it takes quite a lot for an ultimate, a final strike for us to end, doesn´t it? Let´s not focus on these scars but on how much we can endure after all. Maybe even so much that we don´t have to

Maybe I should elaborate on the picture... We can look at small things to understand the big things they are part of... Why can´t we look at the whole then, the big thing to get a better understanding of its parts? We don´t really understand what reality is and how it functions. Why would we then claim to know what its parts called science or brain or matter are? It´s like with the picture above... Whatever appears in the small thought cloud is simultaneously contained in the big one. If the big one isn´t real or even if it just could possibly be unreal or different from what we thought that has some implications for how serious we can take its content. If we can´t even prove the existence of the big one then why should we be able to believe in any content of the smaller ones? Why even limit ourselves to a god damn cloud, no matter its size, when we don´t even know if it´s real? No (thought) cloud, or cells, no place, no where. Why even, after all? PS.: Leo seems so happy having deconstructed the notion of a brain and materialism. The monks must be proud...!

If nothing then... Nothing. Nothing, nothing and nothing whilst nothing when nothing in nothing from nothing. Nobody ever nothing, nothing ever nothing because of nothing. All nothing... NOTHING!!! Nothing... Here´s an insanity fellow: "III! Am nOthiiing! I will nEver bEee...! AnYy-thIiiing!!" ... I like stories. What can I do?

knowledge<wisdom<consciousness Wisdom alone is not enough to prevent suffering but it can help us to trace its origin.

With this tricky mind I don´t need enemies. No thing or person, no word, no concept can prove itself worthy of that title, can keep up with its creativity and skill... Nobody would go as far as the mind does to make its art of deception. That is when ugly is beautiful, when one starts noticing, truly appreciating its power. Only when one realizes how it makes one suffer, when it wakes one up to empower it of better use.

In August it seemed to me like flying a kite. I could cut the rope and watch it disappear into the sky which opens up into the universe (imagine flying it at night), blend with the dots that make up my sight, get torn apart by the wind, crash or fall, freeze or catch fire... Come to its end and spread out evenly, fall into pieces, die and become everything before my eyes. I would had given up my attachment to the feeling of kite flying, the sense of control over the kite to see how far it goes. But now... Now I think that observing a kite is too peaceful of a description... It is much more like being a dog chasing its tail and at some point accomplishing to bite it, maybe even slightly too hard and thinking... OH! Oh that´s mine! MY tail! And then loosing it again.