Anna Konstantaki

7754 morality questions by multilayered awareness (funny [to me at least...]) Who is going to cry about the poor bacteria YOUR/MY immune system killed? What? Our abilities for compassion don´t extend much from the spectrum of mammals? And what about your blood cells that died? They just got REPLACED in an instant! Who´s the leader of this company? Only because that blood cell has no name, ego or personality you can´t understand its worth? Where is your compassion? You are not thankfull enough for your health! Your life! Other living organisms DIE for it! Your circulatory system is the dictator of those cells and you have no gratitude for the dictatorship that keeps YOU conscious! That enables YOU. And mars... -Yes, what about mars? Okay, it might be wrong to bring our microorganisms to mars... But who asked the microorganisms if they want to go there? .................................................................................................. Life, death and love are really everywhere There is a degree of violence in my chest I don´t have controll over... All survival weirdly bound to some stretching and pushing... Think of sex. Think of birth. Think of your heart in this very moment... My heart "beats me to life", my blood "nurtures me to life",my body LOVES me... Warm, wet and bloody... And I LOVE raspberries... But I kill cut and press them-mush them up with my teeth... Sometimes you have to grow a long pink beard and roam through the woods, realize you are "the devil", the architect of your dispair, realize you got a "demon" having felt "ULTRAnumb"... And then... Then at some point you give us your "heart"... I can´t but love those authentic, traumatized freaks... Especially when they produce such good sound of any genre.

If actualized.org really turns into sage university I would be glad. I feel very challenged already but this suits and motivates me and I need to continue. So, if enough people want to be sage collegues one day, may patience be with me/us.

nailed it

7736 Want some hope? The internet gives me this incredible access to so many so astonishingly different biographies of people and looking at those makes me realize that MY journey is just MY journey and where I´m at right now has nothing to say about who I´m going to be in one or two or 20 years from now... Notice I said who and not where because "who" comes before the other deictica I think. "Who" determines where and why and when and how... There is so much proof in so many domains and so many cases where humans changed. They radicaly changed. Some changed in decades and others in months. It´s that learning curve I´m fighting, that time where so long nothing happens and then there is this sudden click and it goes up. I am sitting here at my desk on the one hand wanting to face palm myself and on the other I´m amazed by the degree of how much I have been standing in my way once again. If it is about the existential panick I had about finances or my hopes on humanity and the world or just how I ignored the way I was facing certain people and relationships in my life... The ability to find and see the error is catharsis, it´s the release from everyday paranoia that gives one fear and limits ones potential to walk through life lucidly and be healthy. Fear makes you freeze, takes your mobility, painfully cuts of growth, cuts down expansion... The thoughts can´t flow, the access to information is blocked, the perspectives are limited and you end up ignorant about your own ignorance. You can´t even clearly search your purpose this way, leave alone work upon it. All this in my head... It´s been a disease. People are never stupid or bad or evil or ignorant, they are just sort of sick... And the cure to this sickness has many levels and shades and is different and complex like the lives we live but if we focus on finding a way out we will. If your intuition says something is wrong don´t see it as negative because sometimes having been wrong is the best thing that could had happened. I don´t know you. But be sure that you are beautiful and be sure that if I say I love you right now, I mean it (no dramatic undertone intended).

hahaha

@misko55

7731 ...and the new video is ooooon... money! Nice topic when America just got a tycoon as a president... Nice topic when just some days ago I wrote a german poetry slam on being poor. It brings many funny stories with it, like Leos when they had to light candles because their electricity was cut off. No, seriously about most of the stuff that has to do with the lack of money I do laugh now. Still, when I think of the future I tend to worry... At least I can say that I am not afraid of the word business and it´s not that I am completely idealess about what I could do. The thing is that I don´t want to walk on thin ice. I know that I don´t know much about it and I want to learn. Last semester I even tried to attend a course from the business administration faculty to get a taste of the basics but it was a way too time and energy consuming investigation and I decided to put my focus on other things first... That´s another struggle with self actualization... To take decisions on what to learn first because somehow, it´s all important because it´s all part of life... Health, relationships, spirituality... money... depression I´ve learned to get through my downs. My very low psychological downs. When they end I get caught in something I call an identity crisis. I do not have neurotic thoughts anymore but I am extremely problematized about who I want to be and what I want to do. It is basically going from thinking nothing is possible and the world is ending to everything is possible and just take responsibility. The power scares me and paralyzes me. I spent last week sort of hiding in my four walls, rearranging my life and making up a plan that will, freeze time for me in a sense. I took a couple of decisions and had some realizations on what I really need and want and how "I bloom". time Let´s be honest. Learning takes its time and making a really good plan, mental preparation and training execution-they all take time. Last week there was this episode on culture (I do the worksheets by the way). Do you know the Lewis model of how time is understood in different cultures? I found that very interesting when I read about it around a year ago http://www.businessinsider.com/how-different-cultures-understand-time-2014-5?IR=T . I think it´s a little like an invisible religion. Everytime one looks at the clock, "one does his/her prayor" and I like to think of all those expressions we use about time and I like to replace the word by "life". I have no time vs I have no life. Wasting time vs wasting life. I don´t have time for that vs I don´t have life for that. In some expressions you can even replace it with death. Even though for us humans time is always a symbol of finiteness it allows us to somehow cover up the direct confrontation with the finiteness of our lives themselves. Then there are people who are pressured by it, or are addicted to this invisible weird thing. Seriously... And there are all those other perspectives from which you can look at it, not just semantics or philosophy or psychology-how about physics? Do you remember this elder man I told you about who I visited in summer, my neighbour John? Before I left he said that I should remember that time is stretchable and suppressable. How did he mean that? I can´t stretch and suppress time... Or do I? I don´t even know if behind this construct, this concept there is something I can truly grasp. Uh life´s so weird... And then "time runs". Like water. Don´t get me started in that one... spiderweb Let me tell you something... Even though the journal helps me in some ways I find it stupid. I never feel wise writing the journal and I know I´d never feel wise even if I ever accomlished saying something wise. The only time I feel wise in my life is like in situations like this morning, when I am silent, I am standing between some trees and the sun is shining through the clouds and I can hear the wind and see the trees moving and the leaves falling down like oversize confetti. My life is like vision through a spider web. I can see the web, I can see what´s behind but I can´t see it in all clarity and all beauty. But I can see it and I know it´s real just like the web is real. Now one could just get rid of that strangely transparent but still visible web by destroying it... If one overcomes the fear of the spider... Who made the web... And if one is willing to get a little dirty... I wish real life was as simple as removing spider webs. I used to be afraid of spiders by the way... But then I learned loving them. My favorite is Bagheera Kiplingi. Obviously because it´s cute, colourful and vegan. But please note that I´ve never encountered one in real life. wind Okay we talked about time and money and spiders so let me give in to the wind... I remember being a child and sticking my hand out of the cars window to feel the wind because wind was really soft even when it was very, very strong and sometimes even painful. And when it is really strong and on an island surrounded by the sea it tends to get really strong then sometimes it builds so much resistance that you can´t really close that little hand and it feels as if you can hold it. As if this ungraspable gas is an object. Okay, okay I know I should stop my isolation because I am starting to look at the world like an alien again but I really love it and let me continue... And I remember as a child that in winter I would go outside sometimes and literarly let myself fall against the wind without falling down and that was pure awesomenes. My grandfather from my fathers side died when I was a child but he once told my mother that a life in which he can´t feel the wind in his face is unworthy living to him. When he was brought to the hospital and realized that from now on he´d be bed bound he just died within weeks, in fact he died when I was on a vacation in Germany. Sometimes I wonder if he committed suicide. He loved his life but I can imagine him doing so. If he did then I think it was smart because nobody there had the knowledge or knew how to get access to the knowledge that would had made the situation financialy, psychologicaly and medicaly best. So... A life away from my values is no life, I do not want to die in misery and I want to be brave enough to end it in case all hope gets lost rather than suffer waiting for death but before all I want to enable myself to get and sustain my dream life as long as possible and that ladies and gentlemonkeys... Well, I´m working on that... DNA, a little family history and geography Leaving aside all cultural influences... I have some influences through my genes too. I have influences on who I think or used to think I am just by the landscape I grew up in... As I was going through one of my so called identity crisis I digged up memories again and tried to remember good memories to find my way to set my life in a way I´ll get more of those. First I want to mention that my mother mainly grew up in a small village near Munich in Germany. As a child she´d swimm in a river and she even said that together with other kids they´d build a float, a raft from woodpieces and float on the river with that... And dad? Well dad grew up on the island (I just noticed that I like saying island instead of Rhodes and Greece because I feel uncomfortable doing so) in a small village at the foot of the highest mountain. He´d walk miles and miles as a child. He had no toys apart from a slingshot but he and his siblings shared a donkey (all this is from second sources because he never talks to me about the past and actually there have been years in which he sort of did not talk with me at all-imagine something like the grandpa of Heidi and no, not the cartoon)... None of my anchestors are city people, not even town people in fact. None of my anchestors have gone to university and none of my anchestors were saving money with 13 I think, to buy a Nintendo DS light... (Red coloured of course because when I was a child red was my favourite colour). Me? I grew up pendling between town and the sea coast middle of nowhere and some summer vacations in Germany. I have felt being ripped out of context about a million times. I remember something though. I remember being at that beach with walls of rocks on both the left and the right side and I was there with one of, if not my best friend from the closest village, ( I think I´ll dedicate a whole entry to her one day because humans have fascinated me a lot throughout this life) and we were jumping from that rocks into the water. We were on the second highest rock (I said I´d jump from the highest with 18 but with 18 despite visiting the island I did not visit this beach) and from experience I can tell that the longer you wait the worse it gets and I was trying to overcome my resistance looking at the view from up there (be ensured that it was great), I took a mental photograph at that moment and then thought "It´s my house/home (in greek that´s one word for both)" and jumped. My summers as a child were mostly spent on beaches and this beach in particular was something I knew in and out. It was part of home. I was never deeply patriotic but I liked nature and being part of it and that has not changed untill today. Oh and don´t you dare assume that all other kids felt the same way. Like even my brother who had the potential to feel similarly to me did not simply because he is afraid of deep waters... And climbing rocks was never his thing either-he read comics and books instead. I´m not afraid despite the fact when I was a child I did as well have this other friend who was living by the port (the island has two ports-that´s the small one) and one day we were really deep in the sea and she thought it would be fun to just push me under water with zero warning... Obviously I thought this was my end and that I will have to die but somehow even without having taken a breath I made it back to the surface... pfff... The stupidity of humans is more dangerous than any octopus, crab, sea eal or eagle or big wave. Okay, whatever, I´ll go do the worksheet now... No, actually just allow me to keep talking... Oh and I sound like a grandma-no seriously- when I tell stories about my life I tend to talk about them in a tone as if my life is already over... I have so many memories of so many people and experiences. At least my perspectives come from something real that allows me to recognize and relate to other people. Sometimes I feel the urge to just hold the impression I got from a person from who I learned something or shared any experience with. Sometimes I don´t want to write about myself at all. I tend to isolate myself, still humans are my main teachers and therefore inspirations. I could watch them forever. It started in kindergarden... I was late and the others were already playing a game that translates to something like "there comes there comes the bee" where kids walk in a row forming a circle and sing and pass under each others arms and clap and shit like that and I looked at this and had one simple thought: What the fuck? This made zero sense, was completely stupid, non creative, non adveturous and had nothing to do with bees... Of course I had to conform after a while and participate. Later in elementary I kept mostly observing rather than participating... In second or third of elementary the kid sitting next to me got incredibly angry because I was constantly staring at him. The teacher had to change my seat... I´d stare at people and I would notice everything. When I was 8 or 9 the teacher said to my mum that I was so silent that she forgets my existance. I think with 10 or 11 I started to stare less at everyone and focused on drawing cartoon frogs on my books (in Greece school books are freshly printed every year and made of simple paper-most children throw them away when the school year is over and in higher grades they like to rip out the pages or even burn them-yes they absolutely love going to school or learning... not...). my theory is that I got inspired by a character in a manga comic I´d read sometimes who had an obsession with frogs-not that I identified with her but I definitely found this authentic... Okay I forgot where I wanted to go with this...

blablabla ... ... software... fear: You are wasting time. Sarcasm: As if we have not been wasting time since our failiure on Wednesday. fear: Life is still falling apart and this time too many battles have been lost to win the war. doudt: This sounds like a limiting belief. motivation: I/you should really just be honest and make a confession. It will make me/you feel better. fear: I feel resistance to covering up my lie about why I was dysfuntional after returning from work. It was not meditation sideffects. I don´t want to seem untrustworthy. motivation: You are the only judge who matters here. sarcasm: Judge what? Failiure? Imperfection? Weakness? Victimhood? fear: I am not enough for the world. I try and I am never enough. Everybody has expectations of me. I can´t grow this fast. motivation: You´ve had succesess in the past and despite that hunting success is not even your main goal. Think of the ten things you don´t know you want video and think of your life goals. doudt: I have had some serious problems with this life plan of ours lately. I am not sure if you should try to continue any academic persue even if out of some wonder you manage to finish this BA sometime... memory: But please no 24/7 non privacy job like last time either because you can have played it funny and cool but don´t tell me that utterances like: "Anna, when was the last time a dick passed these lips?", sarcasm: To the girl that would feel uncomfortable with even hugging and even hugging females after her first trustbreaking "relationship"... memory: Or " a psychopath talking to herself in the shower" sarcasm: To the girl that was so good in hiding her vulnerability that in elementary school a classmate said to her "I´m not like you! Who does not feel! doudt: I do not consider so much identification with the story as helpful in this situation. memory: And that is why I wanted to give myself some minutes to let go and reset on one day by hiding in that nicely dark and silent wardrobe... Too bad the team leader was searching for me and since he knew I was in the room I had to open the wardrobe door... He had a big smile on his face and asked "What on earth did go wrong in YOUR childhood?" Later he confessed having been creeped out by me... motivation: So what? We´re all crazy. Those people were smoking and drinking energy drinks and got drunk every Saturday in order to stand their petty selfs and lifes... Move on. Fear: You can´t hide the fact that the past is reflected in your behavior. doudt: Overgeneralizations are for children. Big ammounts of stress and a lifestyle contrary to what you practised before can lead to neurotic patterns... Fear: I´ll never be stress resistant enough for this system. Maybe I am too damaged for self actualization... doudt_: Bollocks... If everything had gone perfect you would not even be here doing this work and except from that people on earth have been through much, much worse and still continued and lived fulfilled lives. motivation: There is a cost to everything, if you find your real life purpose you will be able to take all costs for that. Real self actualization has not even started for you. So get excited. doudt: I think that after all this time your life purposes have been quite well defined-do not just throw them all away because of wanting to detach from some failiure triggured by another failiure and some mistakes and time spent experimenting and healing. Fear: I will never have time. I´ll always serve and run behind certain things in order to be accountable or/and make money. If I keep taking time to find myself or heal myself or understand how the world functions or my psychology I will end up homeless. Sarcasm: As if you have not lost everything or been at rock bottom before. motivation: Then I suggest you commit to not hitting it again. sarcasm: That sounds like a great aspiration for life by someone who just a year ago wanted to contribute to something big and good for the world. logic: We need to both focus on what is most important AND qualitative intrinsic motivations... C: You are all just thoughts and if you keep overloading this system I´ll flatten you all. compassion: I will handle this first: Fear, you are fully accepted and understood. Fear motivation: I am not afraid. I will try again. I will try untill I succeed. I will meditate, study, learn, grow, trust, love. I will monitor my values, always improove myself and my purpose, I will never give up untill I get it right. compassion: I trust in me and I trust in you and I trust in both logic and intuition. sarcasm logic: So we make up another plan and hope for the best? We commit without knowing if this is even realistic? motivation: It IS realistic. Possible is enough. We MAKE it possible. We make another better strategy! doudt: Oh dear...I am not sure if this will lead somewhere... But please commit... compassion: Doudt, you are fully accepted, heard and understood. doudt logic: Looks like I do not apply here. C: surrender. logic

7718 It feels like it´s back... I had thoughts about my thoughts and doudts about my doudts but (for) now it´s all irrelevant. I wondered how the device which can do 20.000.000.000.000.000 (20 billion) calculative operations in one and only second using just 20 Watt be so faulty or how we might be making it become this faulty. Why do we always need a higher manager, why is there always a need for someone to control? The aswer is that there is no need. If you surrender you will find your self control by just feeling calmness and safety. That is a paradox. The less you try to control, the more you can do. The micro world can take care of itself, so can the macro... But what is micro and macro? We are all contained in one. My body is big next to the cells and tiny next to the planets. The size of the mental images is the same though, take up the same space in my head. What about me then? How much space do I take up? Can we figure out a percentage of self or ego or higher self, intuition, beliefs, story? No, it´s a connected network, all areas are used, all stored data is used and re-evaluated... You can focuse at one thing at a time though. So I better choose my main focus around some universe serving function. You´ll automaticaly take care of everything once you let the waves of whatever is around and inside pass through you. I can´t put it much better... You let the senses "listen", the brain "understand" and then you... You should "aswer". I´m in a dialog with the universe. I wondered why the rules that govern our world are the way they are and who determines them... I wondered how I can know... How can I even know there are fixed rules? Even though these are good questions to ask... They are irrelevant. Just are/be/being... A being, the being-no! JUST-BEING. Very, very simple. A simple code to programm your mind with. When you are conscious at least... last week The night from Monday to Tuesday I went to the forest, fo-rest, for rest. I stayed half a night... Why? I don´t know. I had this urge for a long time so I thought: Okay-now-I´ll do it NOW. At some point I started singing kundalini mantras? And at some other I started babbling stuff like: "Is your silence peacefull?" "Next time you see the light ball I´ll take you with me" "We just are" (Should anyone have been around then this someone got probably freaked out... ) This place is on top of a hill by the way and I could see the city lights... I left (around 03:00?) because I got too tired and even a blanket and gloves couldn´t keep me warm anymore... Two days later as everyone was wearing their winter jackets and scarfs etc... I went to class with bare feet and a top. I was too happy to feel the cold. The stored chemical energy from within came out as thermal... This was not a numb phaze, it was a feeling phaze but a some different kind of feeling. Very eh... Alive and eh... Pleasant. I did as well get an invitation to the strip club just one day after that. I think female bodies are really beautiful and I have not been to a german strip club yet but I stayed home... Too much venom at those places... It is a hand full of people now, that have told me throughout my life that I am crazy but in a good way. I like that.What would be so bad about that? Nothing means anything about me after all. We can´t even locate me. Right now I feel no fear. The week is over and come what may... I´ve been so many people, I´ve played so many roles in my life and some of them so well that I forgot all wisdom I already learned. Call me a hippy, call me what you want-you´re talking to yourself after all just like me. bit of story and thoughts on the trap of projection I remember in August when I was sitting with my brother in his room and we were exchanging songs like back in time before I left and we both had paper and a pen so I said that if he draws something for me I´ll draw something for him. So we scribelled around for a couple of minutes and then he gave me this construction of a machine and said: "This is the matrix you live in". I got it on my pinwall now... To remind me of that... I am not special. I am not lucky or unlucky... Neither is he. After all, even though we´ve always been very close, I had to realise again and again throughout life that I don´t know him yet. How could I possibly? Everyone is as unpredictable as I am, as the future itself is. So is Leo and all my masters. To comment on the last video on projection... Yes, I do project onto my teachers but I catsh myself chill down again... One of the very first videos on self actualization I ever watched was by Noah Elkrief and he said: Nothing means anything about us (as I mentioned before). After all, confusing the message with the messenger or ignoring what we learned from how to stop judging, being perfectionistic, how to self accept, be open minded etc... All that minimizes emotional reactions to projection I think... It was a good reminder though and a small plus piece of usefull information... Every Sunday or Monday I watch the new episode of actualized.org and that very person who puts it together... As time passes I have gathered some information on my teacher... Sure. Yes, I´ll be a little upset when he will stop shooting videos in some years but think of it that way: We are the average of the five people we spend the most time with... If I study a lot of his content, I´ll be carrying a lot of "Leo" around. Or at least... Information along his values and beliefs and way of thinking etc-you get the point

7713 Intuition! Intuition Anna... Intuition... Those ideas/thoughts/visions that don´t justify themselves too much when questioned mindfully and reward you with love and beauty when you think of accomplishing and having accomplished them. It´s not (just) the heart, they just use the word heart because it has no/is no mind, because it´s not rational and doesn´t always pull you towards logical decisions... They really just mean, as Leo calls it, "the kind of spooky and mysterious intelligence that permeates all existence".

7707

7704 Well, I am sort of planning my own death... Sort of... ... Yesterday I watched that epistemological lesson on beliefs... Leo is talking through the matrix... But he is not in it, so where is he? Maybe he never completely came back from the last trip... There´s a big picture and a big, big picture and I wonder if this even has an end. He reminds me of the guy from the cave allegory who freed himself and went outside of the cave and experienced the sunlight etc... But in his case, he came back just to tell the rest of the captured people about it... Since we can´t just transfer his experience with an USB stick... I have to go and see it for myself... We´re at this paradoxical situation where my hands are not tied anymore and I can move in the cave but for some crazy reason I am not running outside... But we´ll get there... We´ll get there... This is like the 10 things we don´t know that we want but about an infinity better... It´s just harder as well. We´re talking about beliefs, the bigger thought units, we´re talking about entire webs of thoughts, we´re talking about extremely bitter medicine... And fuck do I feel resistance to take it...

Who´d expected that? Good news: I am not crazy. I am starting to see how big the problem of ego for me/us really is... This video and its comment section actually gave me some good laughs. Feeling alot more stable since yesterday already.

7695 Okay, there is a possibility that 1/3 of my life is already over. Pretty creepy thought... How long have I been watching Leo´s videos now? I discovered them around two years ago, started watching constantly around one and a half years ago and started taking massive action one year ago. = I still know absolutely nothing. Okay, I know a couple of things... But considered from where I started at and when... Well, considering that... I just have to be patient and keep going. Yesterday I found that old mp3 called "dream life" where Leo is talking about "grabing the wolf by the tounge" and that there will be nights where we´ll feel like coiling up in a fetal position and crying... I might not be the body and I might not be the mind and I might not know what I existentialy am but I can still post smileys: smileys... Just remembered what happened one day when I was working in Munich, feeling some exhaustion and I leaned against a big pillar with a poster on it and as I moved my head to the side and looked a little closer at that poster, I noticed how someone had written a small "smile " with a pen on it-really small and right next to my head. First I got really happy because I thought: Oh, how cute, then I thought: Oh, that person must be like me usually I-wait! That is my handwriting! I wrote that. We´ve been here some days ago for some hours asisting the other team... Karma is a nice thing, right? goodnight

769... (warning: the author is under the influence of the "I don´t give a fuck" virus) I am not sure if I am messing with consciousness or if consciousness is messing with me. If you trust the universe or god-however you want to call it- I mean... If you accomplish to fully trust it... Then be ware because at some point you will stop and say: Wait a second, what on earth did just happen? hahaha... The universe sent me a person yesterday. hehehe No-wrong, I think I was sent to the person... That is not even special, what´s special is how, when and how high the probabilities were that this exact person was like it was, had what it had, knew what it knew, had been were it had been and valued what it valued. Leaving yesterday aside... I could start talking about today but I´d sound drunk and I am not even drunk. I actually thought I´d be on cold stimulant turkey today but quite the opposite... I was so high for no reason that I had to hold my laughter while walking on the street at some points. It was cold, cloudy and drizzly today, Germany in October-what to expect?-...and I sat at a park bench and watched a fountain... I just spent so much time doing that... I was not sleeping but I was not really doing something else either, I don´t know where I went. I am not sick. Is this stress recovery? What IS this? Before that I had problems governing myself, my head just keeps rolling to one of my shoulders... Walking was weird too. Must be my curcuit. Woke up in the middle of the night yesterday and started meditating-probably a bad decision... I was trying to strategize out the next weeks but timewisely it is just not working out. Yesterday I just took a day off and today I just could not deside what to prioritize and where to start from. Ahh yes and on Tuesday I had sort of a bad relapse and ate too many vegan coockies and stuff and spent all evening throwing up... Mmm... High consciouness... Nope. I´m sorry. I am at this point in my life where I look at leaves and the sky and I might start crying because it´s so beautiful. I really don´t know if I need even more sleep or a good psychiatrist or a meditation retreat or work. I have lost my brain for good. I really wanted to be a good, constant student of self development but if I said everything is under control I´d be lying. I feel awesome and burned out at the same time. Right now I don´t even want to do anything. I feel like hybernating over winter or something like that... I am sorry but I´m afraid I´m just another crazy someone who got lost on a forum. warning: unexplained, non scientific bullcrap I found some texts from about a year ago where I was experimenting with movement and dancing and talking about the states you get in and how to heal oneself and I felt strange because I replaced all the time I used to spend with that with meditation and studying self actualization. I generally don´t recognize myself anymore. I don´t know-I sort of don´t even exist. I used to have this theory about communication with the environment and manipulation-it was just something I was entertaining in my head. Now I think that when you become the environment all need to manipulate anything is gone. Once again the philosophy of: Not given to the one who wants to use it but to the one who just wants have it. Isn´t it nice how nature keeps its balance in this way? To allow people to experience god, to be god but to make sure that all ego and desire has died out first in order to protect all other perspectives. Haa... How disguisting and beautiful this esoteric sounding bullcrap is, right? What´s wrong with my arms now? They are so heavy... Haha Hey I just realized that I like saying "experimenting". I always liked experimenting. I forgot to write about that terrible tooth ache I got two to three days before going to Berlin. I had to cancel my plans and go to the doc (thank god that problem with my insurance is solved now) and he gave me some anesthesia and stuff but since I usually don´t even take painkillers things looked quite funny to me... Before going there I spent around one day and one night with the nuances of the pain and I must say that meditation helped as long as concentration was strong, breathing techniques helped untill one was too exhausted and moving like posessed by demons did as always help a lot. When you concentrate on the pain you can transform it into some tingling sensasion in some other body part, in my case it would tend to go to the legs but then I´d have to move the legs and that would make concentrating on the toothache harder again and so on and so forth. In my desperation I tried another kind of experiment, namely to masturbate to the pain... Let´s not lie-I knew it would work. I mean, as a pain soothener... You can even get it to level zero by that but-just like the moving like possessed by demons technique it´s exhaustive after some time... .... ...Oh dear, one I´ll have to either delete or rename this account...

I´ve only had a single lucid dream in this life and it was in the night after my very first meditation session. I usually don´t even remember my dreams... Why are you guys so interested in this topic? I´d rather be "lucid awake" than lucid dreaming

7690 some reflections on the time that past I have to say that after week1 of work was over, spent at an accommodation with no internet I checked into the journal and my first thought was: What on earth is this? This is completely ridiculous. What have I been doing with my time?! Then I was sick for a day and watched the first video on Leo´s 5 meO DMT experience and felt like throwing all work into a trash can again. I mean everything I have experienced yet isn´t even touching an experience this powerful and it looks like that I am a snail walking in circles, having some bad copy of a cola light version of a real coca cola or something like that. ... I never thought of drugs as technology by the way... What´s technology and what´s nature after all? Why do we put them next to each other as opposites so many times in the first place? So, anyone here who wants to dedicate his or her life to 5 meO DMT mass production? The world needs you! I´m kidding... I can´t take anything seriously anymore, not me, not you. We really don´t function with logic. I could tell you about the job I did and the tons and tons of people I met and talked to but I am tired. All I can say is that I´ve been out on the streets in different cities with my team (yes, from pretty much human isolation I went to sharing everything 24/7) working for a company who gets payed for gaining fundraisers for big non profit organisations like Amnesty international, the WWF, World Vision, Care and the UNO refugeehelp. I got the pleasure to have the refugeehelp as my client even though, they´re all awesome I think. Here are some of the last words people I worked with told me: Clemens: Lovely Anna, get home well and maybe we´ll see each other in the next campaign. Herrmann: Yes, I wish you the same! Malik: Get home well but I don´t hope to see you in the next campaign-you know why? I think you are way to nice for this job! Hmmm... Whatever-Here´s a song with nice lyrics that Clemens showed me: Excuse me now, but I feel like I have to recover from some brain damage... My consciousness must be at the quality of that of Patrick Starfish or something like that at the moment. Let´s go raise that.

Okay, I don´t know where my last post went but the three weeks are over so who cares. -Hi, I´m back. Oh, Leo became god? Oh that´s great. I have to check out lasts week vid still... See you.

my life never gets boring Here just a glimpse into it... Yesterday night I was first in town doing some flanery (ever mentioned that hobby before?) and philosophizing about several questions while wearing earbudds (because the city is like a forest if you cut of the noise) and then from there I went along the river/port root the parcour trainers buddy showed me to the Villa park (obviously called that way because of the beautiful high and big Villa there) practising some wall climbs and runs and a bit crawling and god knows all the terminology... I was really happy about how much my skills have improoved and everything was seamingly perfect untill I noticed my key missing... Nope, not the 2 euro coin or the lip balm or anything else my pockets contained but my freaking key. Now loosing this key is bad-it´s really bad because it´s a special key opening many more doors than just the door to my room... But how could that be when I didn´t even do rolls or anything upside down like that? Well, I got home and someone opened the main entrance and I wanted to go back for searching a second time by daylight. I´d get up really early to find it before somebody else does and did in no case want to sleep in someone elses room or knock my friends doors who think I´m out of town and I did not tell them I´m here because I have no time and I love being alone... So after a pretty uncomfortable night since I left the dorm without even a jacket I remembered that these deep pockets of the trousers I´m wearing could only loose something in a specific angle, namely that one when you lay somewhere on your back like a starfish. Ooooh. Stupid me layed down in the middle of a lawn to watch the stars for a while... So I went to that lawn this morning and guess what filled my heart with all gratitude of the world? My key! Also found someones USB cable but left it there... Now I´m at the library and I´m waiting for the headache to kick in. I am really motivated to continue my work. What a useless entry. Ciao.

actualized.org is one of those hand full of businesses that sell/appeal to the higher self, maybe not entirely yet but I see where it´s going...

Oh dear... I take that back!

Okay- I´m in! Hereby I commit to dedicating my life to answering some of these questions. ...But I´ll need some time to find out which exactly... ... Even if you wanted to share "the nectar" of certain answers, in some, if not most cases that´s impossible. Sweet for me I guess but even sweeter if we could unite our consciouness... Why are the laws this way? ...

mind: crazy, drunk, stung monkey journal of mind: ? haaaaaa........ todays fulfillment level by the way: /5 oh and I keep forgeting to mention how many cute people live on this planet oh and my problems are/or are all getting solved oh and I trust and I have faith oh and the most important... :LOVE, tons of love in my veiiiiiiiiiiiiins!

there is no meaning to our lives. there is no meaning-it´s our responsibility to find/give it. WE choose our life purpose. that´s beautiful