Anna Konstantaki

... This whole lifelong hunt for understanding is so similar to a game... Play long enough and with the right strategy and you´ll become really good... Play mindfully and dedicated... You might still loose (or feel like you do so when you care only about winning)... You can not not play (unless you kill yourself?). When you think you are not playing, you are playing bad... Well, I have some advice for myself here... If you´re about to spend years of research for a big picture understanding knowing that you might find out that you have wasted hours and hours on worthless information then at least... Then at least have fun doing so. Confuse other confused and lost people even more by writing a journal about your confusion in which you drift through perspectives! Ah, shit I am already doing that... Eheheh... I have been so silent for most of my life when I felt I don´t know enough... But you know what? I´ll never know for sure or know enough so I won´t shut up. Sorry .

Okay... This is weird. I am either blind or there is really no new video yet... I would not be very happy if Leo accidentaly killed himself by a psychedelics overdose or got ubducted by aliens or hit by a car or... Naaah... It is probably just another patience test... (the) nothing shatters everything (These are my thoughts from a couple days ago). I can´t have it both ways... It´s not possible that the world is just arising and made up by me, who does not exist and that at the same time it´s made of stuff like particles. If it comes from nothing, then it´s nothing, it can´t be there and not be there at the same time. This makes no sense. I thought that it exists on ONE level, even if it is just that level in which I am seeing it and I do not know what is true for that level but that there is the level above this in which it´s contained... But it turns out there is no container or contained. There is neither just part of what I thought there/real/true nor is all of what I thought, nor is there both something there and not, nor none. I don´t know what "existing" even means after this. The words, my thinking tools can´t help me. I´m getting shivers... How can this view possibly be freeing when it just shatters and takes EVERYTHING you know from you? It does not even leave a color to imagine, to picture nothingness with. Yes, on the one hand it´s all magical and mystic but this gets a taste of mad, alone and unsafe too. If I make the physical world up then there is nothing and nobody around, if I even make myself up then that is creepy. If I make this up I am the creator and engineer and I don´t even know what the fuck I am doing. It´s NOT empowering and changes nothing about the fact that I will eat, drink, shit, sleep or at least perceive to do so. Or is this supposed to take the fear of loss and death and failiure from me? Or is it supposed to disattach me from every belief I could cling on? This makes me unable to really keep seeing the world like pretty much everyone around me. This is something I can´t even tell anyone about because they will finally have evidence that I am nuts and you know what? I think that is what is happening right now, I am going nuts. I can´t do anything rather than bump against the borders of my own system, of crushing it and I can´t stomach that this is even possible. I have absolutely opposite feelings about this. It´s the BEST and the WORST and I kind of don´t want to lean into what it makes me feel because I am SO, SO terribly confused. I am getting auto immune issues from this. No joke. Ahahaha... Okay reading this about one week later I am entertained...

I needed some distraction so I made a meme...

resolving conflict Okay, I´ll try to go through what I understood from the naive realism video... Something arises in the field of consciousness, whatever I percieve in that moment. Let´s say Leo talking on a screen... I try to explain it through my observation and see that certain laws apply here, just like science does BUT this thing I perceive is STILL (in) the field. So, first I have to understand that nothing proves it constantly being there and that it really just APPEARS in the field. How can it appear in the field? I have to know what is true for the field... Well, It´s a field. It´s... Well, it IS.... Causality ends at some point or the mind comes up with elephants and turtles... It´s a field and... Dot. Nothing. Do not explain it. Leo on the screen appears WITHIN this field so... He is the field too... Just came up there. Kind of self made like the field itself... He is not the observations I´ve made and the theories I have. I might mistakenly think that I understood what his arising in my consciousness is because I know how to switch Leo from the screen to someone else. I assume I understand reality but I have only understood how to treat what I see, hear, touch, smell with my eyes and microscopes and telescopes and all that... On top of that I have a tendency to believe people who talk about turtles and elephants. Also the people who have mastered manipulating what occurs in the field through developing mechanisms and principles and technologies try to find out what of the phenomena and objects and all that, what appear in the field justifies the field existing in the first place and even though these are incredible people they miss out on the fact that what they are trying to apply or to make apply can´t. Because consciousness has nothing in common with anything they have studied yet. So I know that if I calculate if a triangle is rectagular, I might find that it IS rectangular and that might even be useful in the world I perceive to live in, that this is true but what is also true at the very same time is that I can´t calculate if or why it exists, if "rectangular" exists, if dimentions exist rather than how they are appearing in the field... Uh, I´m a snake biting my tale... Maybe I should just go and study some quantum mechanics instead... Or even better... Gain more... Field awareness

On friendship Last Saturday one of my best friends, who still (in comparison to me) lives in Greece I have not seen or really spoken too for months, sent me some link of some art she thought I´d like, then it all snowballed in a conversation and then we put on the camera and all in all we ended up talking 8 and a half hours into the night. She showed me that she had photos of us in her wardrobe and told me about all those letters she wrote but did not send and even a video she made and then deleted. I was surprised about how much she had been thinking of me and/or us. The thing is that my other best friend has as well photos of me and in her case all over her room (this one lives in France now). If life had not been how it was I would had never come so close and lived through so many experiences with these exact people (who by the way barely know each other, the one is more of a school context induced friendship, the other one is more by family). We might not communicate for really long but when we reunite we are always still the girls who´d explore life together. reaccess On Monday I found a reminder of mine I wrote on 21.11.15 which I had saved on a USB stick, titled "inspiration"... Rather enlightening and smart this past self Anna... But all her smartness was borrowed anyways... Then some time past... I watched a movie I was recommended, then I had some incredible insights on female psychopathy and then my thoughts returned to the text and I tried to remember what kicked me in the state to write that thing, how I could had possibly felt that way... It´s crazy how little the exstacy induced had to do with the practise I have scheduled to get there. I was just looking out the window actually and played this game I used to play where I tried to see beauty while it all appears ugly. It was a grey day with some fogg and a lot of snow, little light or warmth. Then I tried to get back to feeling and seeing how I used to. So... I was white, I was grey, I was woody, I was stony, the person walking, everything in between... The crucial thing is not just to see and say it but to say it all with love and to have no expectation, to accept it like it all is, to want to feel it all. After some time I went outside and I had to keep closing my mouth because my jaw kept dropping. All those ugly things, all those people in stress or pain, the inequality of their life quality, the bad air... Could not get to me. I concentrated on keeping and deepening my state and I was starting to get this pleasant headache I had written about. Something between pain and tingling... It´s like the brain having sex with itself. It´s like being this toddler who smiles and laughs at all it sees (but you have more control over expressing that than the toddler). You don´t want to thank, or pray or any of these, you just have no fear or worry or doudt, you don´t think because you trust the right information to blobb up to your mind when you need it and exactly that happens, you are free, it´s all done by itself with no effort, you´re so full of everything that you´re empty. You´re so empty that everything fills you. I remember walking to one of my favorite places by the river, then I was so happy and decided to share that with a tree and hugged it, then I sat down in the snow, I almost fell asleep at some point and then I rolled around, got up and went home slowly letting go. I think it is crucial to know that the straying and benefits of the spiritual purification process are great but that happiness does not depend on that. It´s a choise and we have to upen the probability of making it. It is really, really important to see that we could have our absolute dream life and not feel great but that we can feel ecstacy right now. For me, finding it again is the key to even stand through the journey that is supposed to get me there (what?!). I´m already there. The thing is that I am homeostaticaly so used to not being there, so attached to my reality as Anna that I deny and forget about it. I think an extatic life is scary, a blissfull life (that would be the next step) is even scarier. What will you do when all you knew is being overwritten, when you have this responsibility for your emotions and choise, when you could do so much, when you have more power than you ever imagined? Makes me cry. I fail at accepting and handling all this change in the long run and after all, there is more brainwashing and forgeting than there is what will make me reconnect.

Happy birthdaaaaaaaaaaaaay Lyly-eh... Lyle!!! hehehe...

@quantum Dub Fx keeps becoming better.

where was I? A yes... We are very afraid to appear dumm. To find the truth we need to maybe even fail a thousand times but beeing mistaken is somewhat a ginormous threat nowadays. People are okay when their children might be messy sometimes, or if they are not always respectful even if they are called ugly but god forbid someone calls them dumm they get much more offended. Intelligence is highly rated, it´s like a future portal to a good life in peoples eyes, the key to success and status and safety etc... This brings me to the conclusion that we´re all way to pressured to care to look outside the box and that thinking by oneself is a risk to the ego. So the lack comes also from not accepting everyone as they are and putting it all on a gold wage. Questioning like you and I by the way too, would like to see, will only start appearing when people find its value not because they want to defend their opinion, they like making others look foolish, want to get attention for a conspiracy theory or something like that but by caring about finding and spreading the truth fearlessly. So... Final question. How do we get people interested in the truth while being emotionaly untriggered on their way finding it? By helping them realise that its all just thoughts and theories, good to look at with a grain of salt and nobody is better because they could argument better on why the earth is flat or round. How that? Teach equality, teach love... Love for themselves... Love for the others... How that? Well by doing it yourself... Well how? Self actualization... Aa... I´m making circles here... That´s why I usually answer no questions... I could keep going...I´m out of time. Love is the answer briefly said, once again.

I thought this could help on the specific matter but then I read a bit more from above and...wait... so @Awareyou say people just believe that the earth is round and close their mind to the idea that it could be flat because they are afraid to be called a flattard? well, we all hate being wrong on something as fundamental as the shape of our planet, don´t we? I think it is very confusing and hard to teach us from early on sitting around with the question what we can know for sure, especially when we´re required to work and present facts and numbers all the time. I don´t think there is much time for really deep questioning. We´re all taught to do tests and then work. Sure this way ignorance is created even from those who are scientifically speaking right. So I guess I agree on that point how nobody is free from ignorance, even people like scientists. So... Eh... Okay dead end here... Unless we get people to ask more questions and philosophize? Mmm... I think many of us are not just uninterested or too busy with other things in life but also afraid to think. I think we live in a highly judgemental world were appearing ... Oh... just repplied before I could finish ...

hmm... maybe this will help?

I don´t know if Leo has been spying on my facebook chats but I have had a conversation based on this whole anger and not, good and evil, victim and victimizer thing just this week with a friend of mine who I think sees me as a victim. When the black and white uncompassionate towards the victimizer view happens, the people who see the world that way have also a problem with accepting and understanding that you might have forgiven and worked hard on understanding why things happen, they can´t imagine that it is possible to feel this way about something terrible (yet. Hopefully). I used to feel a ton of anger, even rage and whenever I would replace it with other feelings at some point it would come back and I would have to do the whole understanding -forgiving thing again and again but I have literarly come to the point in my life that I have to listen to rageful music for example to get myself back into the past where anger fueled me to somehow function and do anything. I´m having such a hard time getting along with how my past used to emotionaly be driven. It scares the shit out of me how I, as somebody who had hate and rage inside me, got blindsighted by it and how out of pain could go into this mode where I was very, very close to commiting crime but I governed myself and did not. But I can understand those who might have just been through a drop more or had the tools for violence all handy and acted wrong. Even more for those who had stopped feeling from all the pain they have had in their lives and now being coldblooded and harming was their only "kick", their way to feel alive, to feel some pleasure and power. me: aha (aha) ich auch (me too) ich mag alle Leute (I like all people) friend: Ich versteh nich wie du alle leute mögen kannst. (I don´t understand how you can like all people) me: das klingt vielleicht etwas doof aber wir sind alle Eins. Deshalb. Aber ich weiß ja auch nicht was du unter mögen so verstehst (this might sound a bit silly but we are all one. That´s why. But I don´t know what meaning you ascribe to liking) friend: Hmm naja wenn böse Menschen böses tun, einfach nur wegen sich selbst und nicht an andere denken. (Hmm well when bad people do bad things, just for theirselves and when they do not think of others.) [I guess he meant BUT WHAT WHEN...] me: es gibt keine bösen Leute. Nur verwirrte, traumatisierte, alleingelassene und wer weiß was sonst noch alles Kinder. Oh, und Leute mit nachprüfbaren Hirnschaden. (there are no bad people. Only confused, traumatized, leftalone and god knows what else kids. Oh, and people with provable braindamage.) Was fühlst du wenn du verletzt wirst ? (What do you feel when you get hurt?) kommt darauf an wie und von wem und aus welchen Grund. (depends on how, from who and for what reason) klar, die Welt ist voller toxischer Leute und man ist nicht sicher aber wenn man nicht vergeben kann dann kommt man nicht weiter. (Sure, the world is filled with toxic people and one is not safe but when one can´t forgive then one can´t move on.) Hmm ich denke es ist immer eine entscheidung zwischen vergeben und anklagen. (Hmm I think it is always a decision between forgiving and accusing). Aber diese Leute tun das gleiche immer wieder. Wenn du dich wirklich mit anderen verbunden fühlst wie kannst du es zu lassen böse menschen nicht anzuklagen. (But these people do the same again and again. If you really feel connected with others then how can you allow bad people not to be accused). Oder "toxische leute" die andere "nicht toxische" vergiften. (Or toxic people poison other non toxic ones.) Es besteht immer die Möglichkeit dass sich Menschen ändern, in den Fällen in denen sie es nicht tun heißt Vergebung nicht das dieser Mensch nicht für seine Taten eingestehen muss. Ich habe nichts gegen Anklagen. (There is always a chance that people will change, in the cases they don´t do that, forgiving does not mean that this person does not have to stand straight for what it did. I don´t have something against accusations). [I meant judgement by law] Klar will ich andere schützen aber ich finde dass die die am schwierigsten zu lieben sind es am meisten brauchen. (Sure do I want to protect others but I think that those who are the hardest to love are the ones who need it the most). Ich verstehe was du meinst. Trotzdem weisst du nicht genau was diese Menschen brauchen. Kann Liebe sein, kann aber auch ein Medikament sein oder ein chirurgischer Eingriff. (I understand what you mean. Still, you don´t know what exactly these people need. Could be love, could also be a drug or a chirurgical intervention). ja, aber was sie auf gar keinen Fall brauchen können ist "böse" auf die Stirn geschrieben zu bekommen (yes, but what they can´t need in any way is being written "bad" on their foreheads). ich bin auch kein Engel (I am no angel either). Doch weil du dadurch unter umständen unschuldige rettest und andere unschuldige warnst. Ich finde es gefährlich böse Menschen nicht anzuklagen oder die realität nicht zu sehn. Weil man dadurch zum Mittäter ihrer nächsten Tat wird. Inwiefern bist du bitteschön kein Engel ? (No because under conditions you save and warn innocent people in this way. I find it dangerous not to accuse bad people or not to see the reality. Because in this way you become a co-perpetrator in their next action. Please tell me in what way you are not an angel?) Haha es gibt keine Engel, keinen Teufel, keine Huren, keine Arschlöcher... Wir verhalten uns vielleicht unterschiedlich aber wir sind alle gleich. Was ungleich ist, ist unser Wissen und Verständnis (there are no angels, no devils, no whores, no assholes... We might act differently but we are all the same. What is not the same is our knowledge and our understanding). Demnach brauchen wir weder Gesetze noch Menschen die schützen oder heilen und garantiert keine Leute die Wissen teilen. Weil alles keinen Sinn ergibt in einer Welt indem wir aufhören zu unterscheiden. ( Therefore we do not need laws nor people that protect or heal and defenitely not people that share knowledge. Because all that makes no sense in a world in which we stop differentiating.) Indem = in der emotionell lernen nicht zu unterscheiden. Im praktischen brauchen wir natürlich schon Struktur und System. Es geht mir darum wie man Leute ansieht und wahrnimmt. Es geht darum sich selbst und anderen einen Gefallen zu tun indem man den Kreis aus Hass und Ärger bricht. (learn to emotionaly not differentiate. Of course we need structure and system in the practical. I´m talking about how you look at people and how you perceive them. It´s about doing yourself and others a favor by breaking the circle of hate and anger). IN einem selbst angefangen. (Starting INSIDE oneself). Ja aber brechen kann man diesen kreis eben nur wenn man anklagt sich selbst und andere. Was meist schwerer ist als dinge einfach geschehn zu lassen. (yes but one can only break this circle when you accuse yourself and others. Which is usually harder than just letting things happen.) Emotional lernen wir durch schmerz. (emotionaly we learn through pain). Der Schmerz weicht sobald wir tiefgründig anfangen zu verstehen. Es ist am Anfang schwierig aber es lohnt sich. (The pain leaves when we deeply start to understand. It is hard in the beginning but it is worth it ). Wer schlechtes tut der leidet. Es sieht vielleicht so aus als manche Leute abgründig böse sind und sich ein genussvolles Leben führen aber der Schein trügt. Die Leute zum nachdenken bringen? Schwer. Aber ob da sozialer Ausschluss wirklich hilft? (Whoever does bad suffers. It might look as if some people are deeply evil and are living pleasure filled lifes but it is not as it seems. Make people think? Hard. But if social exclusion will really help?) Menschen ändern sich wenn man an sie glaubt, wenn man ihnen Liebe zeigt, wenn man sie so nimmt wie sie sind. Daran glaube ich fest. (People change when you believe in them, when one gives love to them, when ones takes them as they are. I strongly believe in that.) ...Dann sind da noch die die ein Medikament brauchen oder eine Untersuchung und dann vielleicht sonst eine OP oder Therapie... Da muss man daran arbeiten dass diese auch nicht durchs Netz gehen= System Besserung. Warum sie gut behandeln wenn sie schlechtes getan haben? Nun ja, nehmen wir an das Problem wird gehoben, kannst du Hass und Ärger auch wieder beheben? Und was ist mit der Person die dafür nichts konnte? Was wenn du an seiner Stelle gewesen wärst? ... Es ist auf jeden Fall gut Tätern immer versuchen neutral gegenüber zu treten. Auch als Opfer oder Angehöriger. (... Then there are the people who need medicine or a examination and then maybe surgery or therapy... Then one has to make sure they get spotted= system improvement. Why treat them good when they have done bad? Well, let´s say their problem gets fixed, can you as well reverse your hate and anger towards them? And what about the person who it was not its fault (let´s say someone with a tumor)? What if you had been at his position?... It is always good to be neutral towards offenders. Even as a victim or relative.) Das Opfer kann nichts dafür und der Täter kann auch nicht wirklich etwas dafür. Wir wollen alle eine Heile Welt und wir sind vielleicht keine Engel aber einfach so und ganz ohne Grund passieren die großen Gräultaten sicher nicht. (It´s not the victims fault but it is not really the offenders fault either. We all want a peaceful world and maybe we are no angels but the really terrible acts do definitely not happen with no reason [In this case I meant that "bad" is not a real reason].) Ende der Chat-Unterhaltung Gesehen: Mi 13:23 As you can see after my big monologue at the end he did not answer. I am not perfect at handling and explaining this but I think I have not done so bad... It´s something I am quite passionate about, this whole "who to blame" thematic but it is always so strange how people can´t grasp this for years because it shakes their worldview too much. I don´t want to claim that my life is free of all anger but I have spent a lot of time thinking about it.

Any female sages I can go look up?

Dave will tell you how I felt over the last days... (Maybe you are going through something similar? Oh and... Warning: slightly neurotic undertone) (lyrics of the songs end) "I wanna do the most good, and prevent the most hurt But I've gotta put on my own oxygen mask first I can’t predict what I’ll do. I can never be sure I am terrified of making promises any more I can’t face my work, I feel sick from the word I genuinely believe I’m capable of changing the world I still think I can get better I still think I can create and get pleasure from it I'll keep aiming to make my emotion and my logic agree And become the best version of me I don’t want to stop" And with that neither good or bad said about a phaze I want to proclaim... Over! ... I had great problems with staying in touch with people and finding motivation and all the other things named... Here I am. Maybe not as dramatic as expressed above but definitely as unstoppable. Happy new year. ...................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... new video The bald guy who wears black T-shirts when shooting videos and lives in Las Vegas and we know very little about, brought me some generous and very handy information, which is perfect to apply after this year of self exploring and understanding the mechanisms of the mind and my personal weaknesses better, since I am that biggest opponent who might ruin all projects. (Thanks Leo. All appreciated). Yesterday was dedicated to pre mortems and to other scheduling and planning... There is still some left but most of it is done and it is clear. Flies turned into elephants and then became flies again...

Sorry, I just couldn´t resist... I´ll go work on enlightenment now... They´re called tarsiers... By the way

There was this man at the recycling yard today and since I was just a little human with a backpack he asked "What do you have there? You brought me a washing mashine or somethin´?"I opened my backpack, pulled out one of those portable electric stove burners and he said "Oh nice, an oven!" I wish I had laughed but I had to concentrate on bending my frozen fingers to grab the burner... Later I bought some cheap gloves in town... Probably made by some really poor kids in India or something like that... Oopsy... Well, at least it wasn´t a santa clause hat... Hehe... Kidding. ....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... I have, of course started sorting out my childhood vows... It looks like I have broken or partially broken all those I uncovered untill now but that explains many past emotional struggles even better... If we define childhood so loosely to say it´s from birth to 25 then I have to be carefull not to make even more of them. Because I have this feeling that if I searched long enough I´d always find new old ones or stuff related to old ones and if I make even more this will never take an end! ...Some months ago I decided to keep digging in the past because if I don´t know and understand it, I won´t be really able to let go of it. This is helpful doing so... Detaching from the story turns out to be a long, long internal process after all... Well, since I am an optimistic person and like to stress the positiv things in life I decided to write down why I am proud of my family. Because hey... Relationships are important, right? Why I am proud of my family. It´s nice to see how a seed planted starts slowly growing... Last summer when I was at the airport my father said "Be carefull" for the first time in my life to me. He has a huge problem with showing emotion, talking directly to people about feelings and showing love. In fact, I spent many, many years of my life thinking that he has no interest in me, which might even had been partially true but I can forgive him for that due to his hard life conditions in general. He also signed by the greetings on the annual christmas card that my mom wrote and not just with his name but with "dad"! Who knows... Maybe one day he will even say that he loves me or that he is sorry for calling me a shitdog who should bring away her pissed on stuff... Or never telling me a single compliment or that my good grades were good... Or for not being a dad... Maybe it´s better he knows no psychology, then at least he´ll never know how much neuroticism he has transmitted and caused. But anyways, I´m proud. Mum... Mum. Oh mum... I am proud that some weeks ago you told me on skype that you believe in me. I was slightly shocked that something like that came over your lips after all these years but it looks as if the things I tried to tell you last summer have actually made you think and find better ways of caring. I think she has started understanding that her words hurt and that they do that unnessecarily. And that when people are weak it´s not because they are lazy or incapable of living their lifes but it´s usually because they are hurt and that stabbing who is allready on the ground even further does not help the situation. I´m proud that she has become much better at handling her selfhate and anger and that she has stopped inviting people to join in her bad habits like TV addiction. Maybe I am dellusioned but I think I traced some guilt in her way of talking lately... As if she realized that she has messed up really badly in some ways... Mum, I have forgiven you a list that´s very long and I am proud that you have started thinking different. I even think that I have lost my fear of you. Then there is my brother. My dear brother has finally learned to live with the leftovers of his psychosis and sounds like the bright boy for whom everyone predicted great futures again. My brother has been of the most important people in my life and he takes huge account for who I am today. I am proud for him for having grown with me and I could probably write pages upon pages on why I am proud but if I write that all down then it would probably make most sense to tell him in person. So that he knows. People can´t read minds after all... Right mum? And... What was the word again? Dad? I left the family madhouse and I left my school a couple of years years ago, which might have been an even bigger madhouse... Now the only madhouse that´s left, is the one in my thoughts sometimes. I guess that´s why the last year has been a good one. I took a lot of trash out of my mind. From the relationship with my parents I learned that it is important to believe in people, to believe that they can change and to just try to show them love and care because... They´re children. „There is sun in every human being – you just have to make it shine.“ Socrates

Yesterday night some of my friends knocked on my door. They said they thought they´d come and say hi in case I´m still awake. They were holding beer and sweet hot wine in their hands. There was a party on the fifth floor. I was holding paper and pen and got ripped out of my thoughts. One of them asked: How are you doing Anna? Have you found a formula for world peace? That made me think... I´ve changed... They have stayed pretty much the same but I have changed. Have I learned anything after all? Be humble but try to change yourself and the world. Try to experience absolute infinity-everything by seemingly doing absolutely nothing. Defeat your biggest demons by sitting still. Become a walking library but never preach any of the knowledge you know. Learn everything but don´t identify with anything. Forgive to live, love unconditionaly, see people for what they are, treat them equal but don´t get walked over. Develop trust in yourself and the world but be an emotional superconductor whenever it gets missused. Study science and philosophy, do self inquiry but don´t do mental masturbation... Take your life and goals very serious but not too much yourself. Help, be part of the community but don´t identify with it. Give your best, dedicate your life to something while knowing it´s rather insignificant on itself but still adds to something bigger. Respect all culture but try to not adapt any. Act moraly without believing in morals. Accept and love yourself as you are but always try to become better. Spread peace but engage in debate. Have no should´s but live a life straying for discipline and excellence. Question everything but have the motivation of someone who is completely sure. Be mindfull of the smallest things but think big. Be patient in a world where everyone values and expects speed. Have a radically open mind but stay sane and don´t get lost in fantasy and illusion. Develop compassion for the suffering but don´t feel bad for them. Nothing is hidden but the Truth is mystical (to us). And more...

All I see is circles!... Is it normal that all I can see now is circles? I feel the wind, I think of the hot and cold air streams making their circle around earth... I see the water, I think of the circle of water becoming steam and clouds and rain... I see the soil, I think of the soil becoming plants and the plants being food, becoming us or crap or a dead body and then soil again... I see the energy going along with the circles, making its own... I see sentience and life making one... It´s causality that goes along with humanitys fate and the more causality I see, the more I see how I influence that. Even though I am so small and just one person. You know... It´s not just that I am facing the questions of who and more fundamentally what I am but also what I want to be. And I know that we humans are creators. I´ve come to the point that I understood that what I have to create is not something outside of me but something inside me. Without saying that creating anything else is wrong but that within is the real deal. I remember at school there was this girl who had really artistically painted nails and I said: Some people like to make art and others like to make art of themselves. Here I am years later having stopped being addicted to HAVING things like most, but becoming, BEING things instead. When you ARE, when you embody something you can share that with people, rather effortlessly by interacting with them and that will make its circle like everything else. Only problem here is that the process of becoming something is harder than the process of getting to have. I have a fascination with ammonoids, in fact I have a necklace with one which my uncle bought me at a dinosaur exhibition, it broke some years ago but I still keep it. It´s an extinct group of marine animals. Ammonoids lived before 415 million years for around 350 million years and died out 65 million years ago. I find these fascinating numbers but much more fascinating is the fact that my brothers first word was "Stein" which means stone. NO I AM KIDDING, just testing your attention... What is fascinating about fossilization is that it is a breaking of a circle. (Even though the possibility that the last thing my bro saw in his last life was a stone is too ).The biological and chemical properties changed. A once living thing literarly turned to f****** stone! Nothing remained but... Minerals. Of course if we pulverize the stone and add it to the soil it´s all back in the circle but I want to stress here that with enough time and under the right conditions crazy things can happen. Millions of years are millions of years but a human lifespan... Is a human lifespan. We might not be able to turn to stone (and I guess I consider that a good thing?) but we should be able to change a couple of neuronal... Circles... Circiuts... Hff... You get the point.

story of my faith As a child I did believe in this thing called god. My mother, a christian, would pray with us every night before we went to bed. She never enforced her religion on us though. I remember when I once asked her why people believe in god she answered that it is good for people to believe in something. As I grew older and ran over all the arguments against the picture of god that religion gives us and had to rearrange all those sci fi, fairytail, wonder stories about the Christ and the saints, I did not allow myself to believe in "god" anymore because it was this sort of personalized entity that by no means made sense, in all the other religious and wordly, as I knew it untill then, context at least. I stopped praying, I stopped thinking of god as something I can turn to, I just went on with life thinking that maybe there is something but I´ll probably never know. I remember that I was thinking of piecing together my own religion at some point because none of the other fully satisfied me. Now, I finally have my own notion of the word "god" formed by what so many enlightened people, influenced by many different religions and cultures are talking about and I am starting to see how it makes perfect sense that people study religions at universities and write books since it´s all linked to not just wanting and needing to believe in something but actually experiencing it, getting transformed by this experience and hopefully embodying what wisdom derived from that. This has been a hole in me all this time. This conflict about wether I should have a relation or not with something seemingly so ungraspable and unproovable, terribly misunderstood and/or distorted for many reasons all over the globe. The other interesting thing about this is that whenever I would allow myself into this believing, this spiritual feeling, my life would get better and I do now understand why. It was because I was searching for a connection but the connection I would build was a connection to myself after all. That connection with myself, once filled with love and care, only then truly extended to others and attracted them into my life (untill I´d fall on my face again but that is another story)... Of course from a now non dualistic perspective this makes perfect sense, the hierarchy: relationship with god> relationship with self>relationship with others... It is somewhat a logical consequence of the fact that we are talking about different parts of the same thing, like the babushka in the babushka, the small lunch box in the bigger lunchbox... It´s an inside out process, which if done correctly CAN actually bring this change, this change to the better in the world I had wished so desperately to see. So what I keep from this is that moving towards a more spiritual life was inevitable in order to humanely become better, that inside of the mystical traditions, most times embedded in some religion, the actual Truth is hidden. So I guess what is happening with people becoming atheists is paradoxically helping them to break away from closed minded and traditional, preachy false beliefs and fear of god but at the same time is moving them away from practices or from discovering practices that could make them experience exactly that "oh my god!", they have stopped believing in... Which would... Indeed... Enrich their life... By the way... I found this picture on the web and I think it would be less creepy to have a real meditator in the garden rather than this guy...

...and the award for cutest religious symbol goes to... Sufism! I mean look at this thing... ... No, this is all really interesting... And I don´t mean the symbols...

You know what you remind me of ...? I can ride my bike with no handlebars... I can become enlightened... I can become a zen devil!? Well, thanks for the warning... Apologies for not giving a life sign since Monday... I feel... (picture from 2011) ... But still hits the feeling pretty good... Something has happened to me and I am not sure if I can do this. I guess it´s just a phaze of insecurity... I mean we´re talking about becoming a sage. A sage! Sometimes I have this feeling that life is about becoming something like a masochist but with love. It´s strange. Last week marked a new beginning. Reading about the mystical traditions around the world has changed my understanding of this whole spiritual field. But it is alot. And a lot to choose from... And a lot to question as well. I had no idea. I had no idea about the size of all this. After listening to some mystics I feel like every complaint of mine won´t find tolerance any more. It´s heavy in my head because I know I have commited to something that is a life long dedication and it will never stop requiring me to sacrafize. At least Leo won´t lie to us and sugarcoat his expectations. It´s exactly how I was afraid it would be... Adding more and more practice and theory and somehow fitting it in the own life without drifting too much in any direction... I am free to leave any time but I´d be a fool to do so and I know I would regret it in the long run. Balance. Oh, balance must be a nice thing and I do not want to claim having sustainably found it yet. I have given away half of the filling of my wardrobe but I still feel like having too much... Is minimalism addictive? Fun fact... I realized that yesterday it happened that I only ate food of green colour. If you told me that this would happen without me even noticing just some years ago I´d had laughed at you... Oh and... Allow me this joke... Last... Tuesday I think I did some bald life changes... Very bald. Oh Leo, of course I know where Pakistan is... Can´t you see? I have a world map on my desk!!! ...

7760 "A prayor for the earth" by Cameron Gray http://parablevisions.com/gallery/ ´cause you said cosmopolitan and prayors... Recently he made the book cover to David Jay Brown´s Dreaming Wide Awake, lucid dreaming, shamanic healing and psychedelics... Anyways... Beautiful, conscious art I wanted to share real quick...

7758 war of the systems At first humans were completely obedient to the systems in nature to survive. Now, in the first world at least most people are obedient to a self (even if by humans in history we never met) made system, which we go keep reentering and sustaining every day. To be separate from nature and independent from it is more of a pseudofreedom. I mean... There are kids now that think that the tomato came from the box... As for the other system in which I was born, I might be able to semi unparticipate, at least for the parts that are not crucial for survival... lack of consiousness... Of our own construction and which roles we play in it, how we shape our relationships with the animate and innanimate environment. Constructions of systems. The big ones. But also those other systems in our heads, our psychology. I was wondering... Many languages have word classes... Let´s take some indigenous speakers of a non modernized culture and teach them some biology or physics... You think they would put the word "cell" in the category of animate objects? Maybe even animals? Or more into some category like for rivers? Or what about the word "atom"? So... Let´s flip this around... What is it I myself have no category for, or word for, or definition for? What could for example a guru want to tell me which I might even understand but can´t really fit into my existing world order? What about the mysteries of life that lie in the grey area? For me, it´s only possible to form a representation of any kind of consciouness but not to access it. I might be able to feel connected but I can´t transfer mine or get someone elses one transfered. I had this perspective... I was writing and sort of complaining about the wars we make, the visible ones and the invisible ones, how we kill each other directly and indirectly etc... But another perspective would be that we are just this biomass. Connected. Unconscious maybe but just the unit life on earth including very big and very tiny life. A changing and moving biomass which may somehow leave earth and its resources and maybe even by having used and exploited whatever was there. I mean... We need some wellth to do science and produce technology... Maybe earth is just the egg(shell) and some parts will be left behind after the nurturing has stopped. Maybe all the death of all those organisms of our own species and that of others are just the sacrafice this biomass makes in order to be able to ship itself away, explore and expand in space... Who is going to survive? Humans? Animals and other organisms after having been shiped? Once this whole thing becomes interplanetary something WILL. But why on earth can´t this whole thing be carried out in a better way? Well... You said it... ON EARTH. Your thinking is "one sized"...But why can´t we just live and die here? All together. With compassion and peace... Well, not everyone desides to stay with "mommy"... Even the mother has an expiration date if you catch my drift... The god damn milky way has... The fate of this whole story is in the problem psychology of the individual... What would a BETTER way be? Don´t say that the suffering on earth can´t be reduced... But who wants the responsibility of knowing the ultimate consequence of their choices? Who wants all this confusion and even sort of depression that many realizations bring with them as moving through stages of consciouness? Wrong defined luxury Who layes the trap and who falls into it? How much comfort can be bought with money? How much stimulation? How much do we desire the so called luxury? I used to be very naive... I´d think to myself "how can they possibly sell products to each other that ultimately bring them nearer to misery and death rather than life and happiness?" How can they do this to each other? How can I escape this and not get blood on my hands as well? But now I know that there are always two in a purchase... And at least one of them does either ignore or not care or not know that real luxury is invisible. Or at least it is about things we in the first world take for granted. So granted. My friends are jocking that when I´ll live in my ecocapsule or something similar one day I can put it into their big houses garden... Who´s crazy? Me? Or the others? I don´t know... mercyless and powerfull love It´s all still a fight for life and death. When I choose to see, then there are nuances and nuances of this. What about us living creatures does not purposely serve survival? Even this concept, this feeling we perceive as love does. And if I subtract the emotional bond I have to birth and death because they mean gaining and loosing mine/a (form of) consciouness... Then there is my life, extended to to those before me, which are many, a number doubled by each generation... Those who are maybe to come. Those who I can give something to even if we donot share any DNA... The act of passing or even just giving consciouness is love. What? Oh, I´m getting confused... You know all this comes from self inquiry... Electricity, chemical reactions, heat/speed/movement... But thought. But consciouness. I find that within. Maybe I perceive to find that within the border of the human body. Maybe it isn´t... Within or without... Let´s take the atoms. When you split them you release an incredible ammount of energy. Energy that before was invisible to the eye but... It was there all the time... Sort of omnipresent. When I ask the question of "What am I", I could say I am psychology, culture, elements etc... But I do not get around the energy. I do not. Even if I say I am not (only?) the body. Unless I have nothing to do with matter and its abilities... Maybe what I am doesn´t even have to do something with spacetime in which we place all this... MAYBE I have no category for this. Maybe it´sin the mysterious grey zone... Maybe I should just take some 5 MeO DMT and shut up...

Well, I guess I´d miss out on many "moons" then without asking for these many fingers to point them for me. I don´t think all teachers "point" in the same way... But yes, you are right in the sense that after all it´s up to me if I will learn.

I can´t follow you because... 1. Humans (are said to) have gender+ Sages are humans= Sages (should) have gender. 2. Gender and sexism are not the same thing. Unless you meant quitting gender. But that would mean a radical change in biology, psychology, sexuality, culture and more which I am not sure how one could attain... 3. I guess you meant that wisdom has no gender and therefore gender is irrelevant. If that is the case I agree. If not... Then I think the life layout and path to reach wisdom in this world which believes in gender is influenced by it... Allow me to be curius, to learn and get inspired by beings I share the same anatomy and function(s) of energetic "vehicle" with... 4. oh "I" love "you" too by the way...