Anna Konstantaki

Jers crawled away over night... I hope I´ll find him again or I might become responsible for his death...

I´m afraid that I enjoy handwriting more than typing. I feel as if paper chaos is more managable than file chaos. When things are inside of my computer it does not matter if they are ordered or not but I don´t feel like having control. But heh... When do I ever have control over written things? It has happened several times in my life that I did not see an entire question or task in a test. haha... Once I even missed out on a second testsheet because it was between extra writing paper. So I completed only half the test... But still passed. (And I was wondering why the SOS material wasn´t asked...) Oh boy... But who cares what I passed and didn´t? As I have said, I am quitting linguistics anyways. It´s a couple of months now that I transformed my desk into a standing desk but now I have a job where I´m standing and moving a lot anyway so when I come home I´m not very excited about standing around and online journaling... My meditations haven´t been that long but at least pleasant these days. I need my daily dose of surrendering... Been thinking about personality tests lately... I guess they can´t be that accurate when you lie during the answering. I also have to say that some traits are rather fixed but some others... Some others I swear keep changing. Or let´s not say changing, let´s say that they depend on too many and too many complex factors. Well, whatever these tests say... Let´s better nothing put limits on us... I´m lucky. I´ve never been bullied at school (not that I did not have some rivals...) and I have great friends. One of my besties is coming to visit me in about a week. Not a school friend. She is also a couple of years younger than me... If she has interest, I´ll teach her all I know. The only problem is that I wonder if it is not better to just live how I live and be who I am and let her ask questions through her own curiosity. I might be a chronic better knower but I´ve never been an arrogant displayer of knowledge. My parents never gave me a fixed answer or opinion on anything (they rarely taught me anything intellectual. Even tough mum is an open mind advocate... But her views on psychology are shaped by bad and not very questioned by her literature, leaving her in some views that must either be excuses for ego or just medieval... Dad? I don´t know what he believes. He is an alien from space. Maybe a nihilist? I don´t know...). I had to piece my views together from left and right. I hated it. I always felt behind. Knowing nothing about politics, religion, science and such... I had no opinion, I had nothing to say, I was nobody. Not so much for the others but moreso for myself. I wanted answers, I wanted to know what to believe in. (I obviously did not want to believe in bullshit). On the pineal gland artist... Before officially becoming a self actualizer, I painted something similar. But I was a little more than half through with the painting and then wrote "bullshit" in big black letters over it and made the rest black. I have a photo somewhere in a box, in a garage... When I moved back into the dorm here I told my cousin that he can throw the painting away. My rational side took over back then. I apparently had to resist my LSD brain because I did not want to become a spiritual woo person (I was already crazy and fucked up and confused, so logic seemed like the only savior from chaos). It´s been an issue my entire life: What is actually possible? Opposites crashing on and into each other is something I´d include in the description of my biggest interests and... Me. As a person. Once a guy said that my dressing was dissonant. Dissonant... That´s an interesting word, isn´t it? On that day I looked totally normal except from my feet... They were dirty and had no socks or shoes on them. I was like 80% logical, boring and down to earth and 20% hippy, fairy, dreamy clouds on that day... When I heard about enlightenment and becoming everything I thought: That´s it! If I include everything I don´t have to make up my mind anymore. I will finally, finally find peace in this head. I am not enlightened. But that I have more peace. That is for sure. I once saw something. But only once. But it changed me. I´ve had some interesting experiences as a child but this one was not just a feeling, it was visual. Since it remained inexplicable until the present day, I have just labelled it as a hallucination in order to keep paranoia away from me. But now I am not so afraid of these things anymore... Who knows? Maybe it will come back... I might write more about it some other time. Gotta sleep to be fit.

You know these dogs that start barking, jumping, running around when they see someone walking by? And then the dog owner is like: Oh, don´t worry, he/she just wants to play! Just want to play, you see? Just scaffolding. I have to make fun of the work because if I take it too serious I can´t do it. It´s good to just be the student. Then at least nobody is hanging from your lips and you don´t have to tell people all the time that on the one hand they will benefit paying attention to what you say but on the other should never take it as true or given. Now look at this guy here... I wonder what kind of drugs he´s on... 2C-B maybe? ...

38. "How did I separate the mind from the body without jacking in? How did I stop sentinels by thinking?" So... How does a yogi stay conscious and in an enlightened state without even being in constant, deep meditation? "The power of the one extends to the source" = eh... In a non newtonian universe energy can come into and out of existence from nothing. For the narcissists: You have such special enlightenment facilitating genetics that you can be conscious 24/7. Congratulations, you have superpowers. For the hippies: No, that is bullshit, we are all equal and "the one" is just a oneness/unity/non duality symbol/metaphor, therefore: The power of unity which you access because you are it. And comes from itself... Like I already said actually... 39. Prepare for the big fight. 40. Look at the opponent. It wants what you want. (What do you want? Really? Spoiler: To live!) 41. This is the scene were Neo gets blinded but realises that he can still see. Only differently. I.e. Consciousness is more than just your senses. Physical death enables true sight. He also tells Trinity he wishes she could see this (the machine city) because it is like a city of light. (Physical death must be effing beautiful my friends...). 42. Trinity dies: Let go of everything. Everything, everything this time because the big boss, is to be faced alone. 43. "Why do you persist?" "Because I choose to". Think of it: YOU choose purpose. Therefore it is also YOU who chooses to be HERE. 44. What are you afraid of? And since nobody gets enlightened by reading a list I will just add that dramatic song that comes on at the end of the movie, point to the translation of hindu upanishad quotes it contains, try to overlook the fact that I used up all my free time for today and the fact that I can´t even watch a movie without taking notes on it. Ya! ya! ya! ya! yada yadaya! ...

32. "Train station" There is a place between the matrix and the real world. Nowhere. Nowhere is both a realization and a state of mind (Contemplate: Where am I?). 33. "Why did you leave?" "Because I had to" You had to leave the matrix, now you have to leave the paralyzing nowhere because your purpose is unfulfilled yet. 34. "Love is just a word. It´s the connection that the word implies." Even Programms "believe" in love. Love is universal. Just like karma. 35. Why are the love and the insanity pattern so similar? (Could it be that they are one and the same?) =overcome your fear of insanity (or you will end up like the Merowingian... Out of magic. Hunting hedonism). 36. "Cookies need love like everything does". hehehe Every action needs mindfulness. Everything is within consciousness. Everything responds. Insanely. It´s magic! 37. "You decided it wasn´t time". Decisions originate from stages of development I am not aware of when I take them but they are still my own. (Because there is only "me", after all)...

27. " What if the war could be over? Isn´t that worth dying for?" = Dedicate yourself to a higher purpose so that the possibility of succeeding is of higher worth than even the height of the possibility of your own survival. (Ego death is worth the possibility of permanent enlightenment). 28. "This must be the ugliest hack I have ever done" =mobilize all force available. All! 29. "The process altered your consciousness but you are still inevitably human"= Despite meditation, contemplation, inquiry and the such, your understanding of the answers you seek is bound to your human language, senses and needs. These answers go beyond words, can´t be articulated or logically explained. (But they can be/are known). 30. Is love a finite anomaly in mathematical precision? What is the relation between love, hope, the seemingly irrational decisions it brings with it and logic? 31. A prophecy/prediction can be wrong. The mind, even that of a guru, is fallible. I don´t know. I never know. The future is still unknown and largely unpredictable. little note: I am aware that we could make an enlightenment guide out of any Heros journey but if you´re asking me this one is screaming for it.

21. "Are you looking for the Keymaker?" = How do I get to a person/place that can help me understand: Why/How am I (still) here? 22. Is there one truth? Causality? Is choice just an illusion made by those with power? And are you, by your very nature, completely out of control? (= Can I be free from my impulses? Is there free will after all? =Contemplation/ Philosophy 101). 23. "You came here without why. Without power"(= create/find/realise purpose!) 24. "It couldn´t had happened any other way. We are still alive". The past and everything that happens is perfect. 25. "Such a thing is not meant to last"= What (kind of love) lasts? What are the limits of human relationships? What is love? 26. You must know your purpose. That is why you are here.

The matrix trilogy enlightenment guide: Trust. Burn to know. Get rid of "bugs" = Start your spiritual purification. Without and within. You might need some help with that... Be honest. Contemplate. What is the matrix? What is reality? "Take the red pill" = Make the commitment to find out and see how deep the rabbit hole goes. Try to relax. Spiritual practise might feel weird the first time. Adaptation. Improvisation. Technique. All skill, strategy and intuition you´ll need to effectively move within and without the matrix. "Don´t think you are. Know you are." Let go of doubt, fear, disbelief- free. Your. Mind. (=No more paradigm locks and limits. Only possibilities). "The matrix cannot tell you who you are" Who am I? (=Start with your self inquiry). Visit the "Oracle". Search a guru, a teacher, some enlightened master to get guidance. Start the process of knowing thyself. "One of you is going to die. You decide which one." Will it be Morpheus? The (part of) you who believes in "the one"? Or will it be the other (part of) you? Which is unsure? "Have a cookie" = Have a psychedelic. Or a break... Or a real cookie. But just one! (Decide to) Save "Morpheus" = save the faith, will, vision, hope, trust... PS.: "There is no spoon" (= Reality is not physical! ). "There is a difference between knowing the path and walking the path"( = theory vs practise). Keep an eye on those. Beginn to believe (that enlightenment is possible for you). So when "Smith" calls you "Mr. Anderson", you say "My name is Neo!"...Or Leo. Or poolicker888. Or whatever you want your higher self´s name to be... (You can as well give it no name at all as long as you discover your true existential nature along this you have aced the task anyway). (Decide to) die/ get killed/ face your death. Then a hot woman will kiss your dead body and claim that you can´t be dead because she loves you... And you will raise from the dead... Which is insane. But hey... Last lesson: (= You are insane. And that makes total sense because reality is maaagic ). To be continued...

aaallrighdyyyy... I´m clapping by the way man. Bit late maybe... Never thought I´d clap for someone who plugged himself with a party drug and then died but... That is what an open mind does with people, isn´t it?

Thank you for this Shin. That is why I give him all space to prove why he thinks what he thinks. If enlightenment does not exist then fine. Then I´ll just taste the benefits the practices bring with them-no problem. At least I can choose what I want to spend my time on in this life. The thing is this... And maybe you can help me... Knowing is truer than believing, right? I think there is one exception though. Don´t you have to believe that enlightenment is even possible in order to get there?

If enlightenment does not exist then what about all enlightened people around the world? All great historical figures that were enlightened... All people who write entire books, give seminars, dedicate their lives to this... The religions that got formed... Because ey. They´re all hippy losers, right? That is a pretty big claim right there. Not all spiritual seekers are societal dropouts by the way. I´d also be interested in what you mean by "get real". If there was something more worth of pursuing, I would be very interested to know what that is and why of course.

the sun moved during my 5 hour meditation and now I am red on only one side of my face and upper body but not the other (but thumbs up for some decent spring/summer weather). Also have to say that meditating outside is nothing like meditating inside (to me at least) which again is nothing like doing sensory deprivation meditation, which again is different depending on the technique. Okay, I admit it, I just can´t decide which way I want to stick with it. Meditating outside turns into madness. After doing it I tend to giggle about the smallest shit (thankfulness I guess wanna feel high all by thin air? that´s how you do it...) and I experience pain differently (i.e. it appears exciting or funny, maybe even pleasant after some time= want be a masochist? that´s how... Okay, okay I am not entirely sure). I also noticed that I can´t really think outdoors, I sort of samadhi away most of the time and when I think, I usually don´t think much about myself. In contrast to that, when I do sensory deprivation, sometimes I even empty my wardrobe and enclose myself in there with extra earbuds and something to cover the eyes (but wardrobes darkness and silence are good enough usually), then I have nothing to samadhi into so I sort of samadhi into my body (?) but that is rare because indoors I get a lot of emotional stuff coming up and my thoughts are more and of greater intensity. Really frightening but also awesome samadhi has only happened through mindfulness practice (won´t lie... Haven´t done that for ages) and I guess it´s because you need to work quite a lot with the visual and acoustic field. But sensory deprivation is cool because it´s the quickest mind fuck recovery method after too much input (I´d recommend it to anyone with slight or even severe autism or people addicted to information) and after it, when it´s a successful session you have the laser beam focus of your life. (But bad sessions are really bad... When you´re caught in a bad circle of thought and emotion, then thrown back into even worse memories etc, etc and then feel the urge to scream and kick and curse and stuff like that... Yes then you beg yourself or someone to stop this... (Can´t even tell if sitting through is always the best thing to do... I won´t lie. Sometimes I lack the patience, strength and discipline for it. Then talking it out with myself is more effective...). Whateva... After months of contemplation and decisional back and forth I told my parents that I´m dropping out of university around two weeks ago. I am actually "breeding an egg'". As always... = I am busy. Busy and hiding it. The thing is that my expectation of responses were correct i.e. I am being criticized, declared for dumm or crazy and a target for all limitations and projections people can have ad infinitum (that with the crazy is actually a compliment to me. I mean... I know we should not identify with anything but if my identity is not crazy I don´t know who of the people I know is...). Yey! ...Bad are the days when I second guess myself because there is always someone, somehow disappointed who just can´t stop throwing insecurity and worry... But I take responsibility for every move and I work, no matter if it´s for an educational institution, some company or hopefully one day myself... It´s not like I decided to quit from everything. I wonder why people can´t just be happy that I am happy now. Oh yes right... 1. They have no idea who I was before and 2. they really struggle to have the balls to make the changes that would bring forth their own happiness... By the way... Nothing against feeding people psychedelics... But taking that poor enlightened man to a cheesecake factory?! no wonder he threw up. (it should be called diabetes, arteriosclerosis, heart attack, stroke and many more fun things factory if you´re asking me... which you´re not. ever ... )... Leo, are you bored or somethin´? You should also know that bananas are ripe when they have dots on them... You are excused when you´re hungry and out of ripe ones or when you avoid high fructose and sugars in general because of eh... candida issues? And if you think that I don´t notice your ears instantly turning red when you say words like brothel, child molestation or in that episode you said you are in a pretty low conscious state (dude red ears for an entire hour? wow... I mean... Wow...). All jokes aside. I don´t have to prove that I am a highly creative fat, juicy moth flying towards the light. That should be clear by now. Adios amigos. Oh, if you just knew how funny all this appears to me right now. heh (don´t mind her... I think it´s the sun...)

Well, fine then... I´ll stick to silence... *this is how you give a life sign in your journal without having to put any effort into it* -om- ...

when will I learn? ... to expect. nothing. at all?

wanderlust= enlightenmentlust wandering= going somewhere physically self inquiry/ internal wandering = (going towards) enlightenment when I go somewhere I go nowhere... when I think don´t go anywhere I might as well be going somewhere... Hfffff... This is going nowhere... = That´s good!

A true sceptic would never fall into the one school approach to spirituality... But that´s not what I am here to talk about. I don´t think I am here to talk at all. I keep thinking that most I have ever said is just a left side brain blasphemy but I´m willing to take responsibility for all of it. I keep coming back to the same silence of mine. I don´t want to tell you... So eeem... Let´s just watch Ditta dance... (° ^)

Wait? Risk? Lie? I can´t go fully autodidact without an extremely clear cut plan. On the other hand... If I wait too long I might have been caught up in some other years long educational Programm and/or job and will end up like most others... Putting my energy in things that neither the world nor I really need... Go off roading? Turn my life into that of an entrepreneurial sage? Sounds hard and great... I don´t know if I shouldn´t just lie to certain people when pursuing this in order to keep their mainstream in the box worries (best case) about my socioeconomic status and future away (not that I couldn´t deal with them... The question is if I want to... Why do this to my time and energy, why?...). Maybe I should do what I did on Christmas... On Christmas I lied to my friends that I was with my family and to my family that I was with my friends. "Disappearing" in a bigger scale had been a thought of mine for really long now but as much as I try to be everything and everyone I could possibly need for myself, I bump into not wanting to rely on just my own strength and some website... Leo got 32 today and I´m getting 22 this year... I´m old. I´m so god damn old. Too old to constantly change my view on what exactly to do all the time... Isn´t there something wrong with everything? Wherever I go I´ll have to somehow flood that domain with consciousness. I´ll find a way but fuck... In which direction?

Yes. And that´s why you are such a terrible, terrible drama queen. Watch some satsang instead! You might come up with some better solutions. I have to go back to my own shit now... Get well soon.

Leo, around a year ago I said that if somebody killed you I would not judge them but I forgot to mention how bad I´d be crying on your funeral... ´Cause I love how you think and what you do so I´ll just ignore that existentially you are eternal and therefore celebrating your birthday makes no sense (no birth-no death and stuff...?), so this thread is just another symbol for a construct but that´s okay... Oh damn, now I did what the others did... Anyway... Happy Birthday.

You belong to the people who saw the potential of self actualization work and started taking action. That´s where you belong.

Anna say something... Just say SOMEthing...! Yea, okay let´s just do some commenting... So this is the new plan now? Turn everyone into Heroes? I like that! I can be quite an antihero sometimes but I am doing my best... To slay the dragon... Slayed it once, slayed it twice... But it keeps resurrecting in new forms... Damn dragon. I can´t choose to be a hero for some weeks or months or years and then retire- Heroes don´t retire. There is always a new adventure/call for action/growth... Also: Never in my life would I had imagined that Leo wanted to write stories when younger. That´s another reason why he likes Martin Ball I guess. So... Tarantino. Autodidact... Tried to catch a bit of his creative process... Study the lives of people who have done what you want to do (even those who were rather mediocre). Put yourself in the shoes of those you employ/work with. Experiment, build, create as much as possible by yourself. Learn from all the tones of mistakes. Either make sure that if you create something very special and emotionally resonating with you, you won´t stop caring about your work if others reject it, or focus on what the masses might like in the first place. Work all emotions that appear during the process, into the process. Have many, many sources of influence and inspiration. Reinvent the genre. Do it in ways it´s never been done. Have great co-workers/colleagues/ infrastructure. After exhaustively preparing: Execute! Know the weaknesses and strengths of your staff in detail. Rest after "climbing the mountain". I must be missing the point because these are things I already knew. But hey... Lists are nice... Last Friday it was warm enough to meditate on the top of a building (no, I was not supposed to be there but the view was worth it) and two days ago it got so cold that it snowed. But the snow melted... Right away... Okay, that was useless information. Sorry.

Should I like what you say-I will support it. Should I see a way of changing myself to the better through it-I´ll try to live by THAT... If the world needs your thoughts? I won´t judge whose thoughts are worth a contemplation. I can only filter by myself and for myself... This place here is more for supporting the learning process. I hope you will gather enough like minded ones (you desperately search for those and their approval, don´t you?), maybe you can create some bigger movement and change all that what bothers you (and me). I can´t create a vision FOR you. But I´m in for the action if the plan is good.

Fits last weeks flair...

Thank you.

aaand em... What DOES correspond to my consciousness in your opinion? What I was trying to do is find the best way to hold (because we have to hold everything in a certain way as some mystics like to say...) my relation to my family by fitting it into a bigger picture and moving away from focusing on these few people. I don´t know what the best view on this is, I am just trying to see it in new ways... What would the harm of me finding a better way of dealing with this be? More emotionally attached maybe. That I get more emotionally triggered by them... But that I LOVE them more? Maybe because I USED to love some of them more... Maybe my mum when I was a child... Okay my brother. I think I can say that I love that guy more than other people. But that does not mean that if you pointed a gun at my head and made me decide who has to die (him or some other person), I´d chose to spare his life and not that of someone else. Also be careful here... You don´t know me and you don´t know my family. I have worked hard to replace hate or apathy with love. If I could do it with them, I should be able to do it with everyone. If it´s about finding peace and zooming out and away from myself, seeing them as relative helps. If it´s about taking decisions and taking action in the small scale of the everyday reality of being Anna I´m fine with finding some orientation by what has worth and value to her (in this case my family is included). I don´t believe one or the other. I am trying to balance them. Neither should I ignore the people who raised me because the world is burning, nor should I ignore the world burning because my family has problems. Are you me? How do you know? I don´t think I HAVE to love everyone. I WANT to love everyone... Because every time I accomplish that... It´s AWESOME ! Am I ever going to stop? Can you name me someone who is fully over it yet? Or actually... Let´s contemplate on what "selfish" even means, right? I am trying to be authentic about these. That´s exactly why this place gives so much space to you to misunderstand me. Yea... That "path I am taking"... My life and spirituality... Sounds like you know more about it than I myself (Psychic? NSA? Both? No? )... Tell me more about it... I don´t think you will ever beat the critic I carry in my mind... You can keep her company though... Then at least, I´ll have someone I can troll.