Anna Konstantaki

You want me to go deeper? I will. Let´s start with "Peoples opinions don´t matter." Is that true or false? I found that the QUALITY of peoples opinions matters for humanity and life on earth. Also that opinions are limited like the people/minds that have them... There is a correlation of how limitedly important the entire sentence is for me or anyone else and the limitations of the meanings of the words that construct it. The more limiting the terms, the more cosmic unimportant the whole thing is. Buuut... How do you get there? I can either try to disprove it and if I fail to do so, try to prove it and if I fail to do that... Well then... I don´t know . Or I could go ahead prove it already... Let´s try this with the non dual perspective... People (opinions) = me. Peoples opinions are part of me because I am all there is. Their opinions are mine in a sense. Do my opinions about me matter? Do opinions by themselves matter? Who the fuck is it that has the opinion? Congratulations, I made the initial question irrelevant in and of itself... But back to "Do my opinions about me matter?", which in non duality or not is worth a thought. After all this is like asking if my beliefs or at least thoughts matter. That brings us to the next thing one might notice. Which is that you can use little wisdom packages to see how they are interconnected. Like in this case "Language creates our reality" fits very well. My opinions are my language, my opinions create my reality therefore my opinions matter if I LET them, they matter in the way they are constructed, the intention they serve, linguistically, they matter by their nature, their quality in a bigger or smaller scale that forms my behaviour. Let´s try "Reality is perfect" (if it is true of course). If reality is perfect, peoples opinions as part of reality are perfect too. Do perfect things matter if they are all there is? Well, their negative implementations, connotations, the meaning one can draw from them could not be other, should not be other than what and how it is... I can´t stop people from forming opinions inside themselves, I can´t stop causing them to (I could try animate/inspire them to change them though but that is another story). Enough trials for now. Does this statement stand by itself? Let´s test the opposite. Peoples opinions DO matter. Peoples opinions drive their behaviour and your treatment will be according to the power of these. Their treatment manifests socially, very likely emotionally (even though this one depends on how conscious one is at the moment) and maybe even financially. Peoples opinions can influence your life´s quality, always according to the context (topic and individual circumstances). The more needy, attached and willing to survive one is the more these opinions have power. This is in alignment with "All suffering is caused by the attachment to impermanent material" by the way... Also to "Fear is a concept about the future" since people might in the future act upon their opinion and have not yet. You can change your opinions about people and that can change your behaviour and lives. When everyone changes their opinion about you or people like you the lives altered multiply therefore society can shift and if that spreads to multiple societies humanity could at some point change as a whole. (It would be the vision... Highly ideal but not impossible...) Even though this is not of cosmic significance. The opinions of others or my own won´t stop the sun from rising or my body from aging, or Donald Trump from- uh whatever... If my opinion about a flower is that it stinks it won´t stop stinking... If I or anyone states we are each other, we are one, then that will not make us behave as though we were. It will change our behaviour on a small scale... We have to... We have to BE each other? We have to be everything. We have to be enlightened... Constantly conscious...

If I seem arrogant these days then that is a side effect of the obstacles I face which cost me a lot of energy and make me bitter. I´d rather be bitter than fall back into a life of victimhood and depression. Then there is this pattern I have which makes me do things wrong I had initially gotten right. I´ve observed this in many areas with myself, I guess its all about finding ways to track it when its about to happen. Apart from that I have an issue with coming up with enough compassion for myself because I really feel that there is no excuse for childishness and a need for adult behaviour instead. I have noticed myself being more serious and I am trying to break that with some joking and trolling and playing around like I used to but afterwards I always feel that I should be able to go through everything much less unshaken, much more maturely... That I should be better in all I do by now. It´s probably not really needed and too high of an expectation of mine. When I am listened to, I feel pressure. It seems like I don´t even really want it. I have a very ridiculous weakness, namely that when people are very nice to me I have problems accepting that. It does not fit into the picture that would drive me into action. Anything self made, outside the box and any entrepreneurial idea has to wait so that I can build my infrastructure. I would like to create something qualitative which would therefore sustain itself but anything of that nature takes its time, needs love and passion to thrive. For now the patience I have to come up with seems endless and sometimes I even doubt it that I will ever make it out of where I am. It hurts when others assume you are being lazy when you are trying. Maybe not so much on what they want from you but trying to just get by and meet needs you did not see coming. Then there is this thing, it´s called action paralysis and it is still a big part of my life. I know I should know better by now but since I moved here my room and my head are both a mess and I feel lost. There are these other things that come up in new contexts, new people, new mirrors. I always feel I have to justify myself but I can´t share every detail of my life, that would be too intimate. Sometimes it feels as if I had to pull out some kind of "is allowed to exist paper" in order to be forgiven my mistakes. I am one of these people who go either 100 or 0 for something. The last months feel like 0. It´s like raising your hand in class just to show that you are attending and still present, not because you confidently know or stand behind what you know. Then of course you better be prepared for the critics of your imperfect sayings. Sometimes I wonder if I got it all wrong. Maybe self actualization is a luxury for those who have time/money. I took this time on expense of everything else but now I have ended up stuck because I was not prepared for the magnitude of the difference of how I planed and how I did not even get to the point to see my plan fail or succeed but having to throw it away/put it aside. I was so disappointed that I did not even bother to strategize from scratch. It was my decision to do the hard thing and in my eyes this was the hard thing. I hope I will be able to keep my actualization work up in the future like I´d want to. I thought there were things I´die for. I did not defend them enough. Since I think and feel too much or can´t take it when it gets too much I turn myself down and might have days were I deny and suppress all feelings, until I get sick of it. It is a motive in my life that I want to become stronger, always stronger. I have been successful in that amongst other with meditation but always at some cost. All in all I think I have to repeat some more basic techniques and exercises. It´s true. I don´t know what enlightenment is. And it´s not the only term I haven´t understood yet. In fact some weeks ago I was thinking that I don´t understand anything anymore. I felt like quitting because my mind is not clear. The more I read or hear the less I feel knowing. I feel as if I´m laughable and that I was very naive to say that one day I want to be wise, I had no idea how much I´d be ridiculing myself along the way. I had motivation problems. 100 hours this, 100 hours that, 1000 hours the other... Habits, more habits and even more habits... When? One life I have. I have other passions and responsibilities too. No minimalistic schedule fits in all I want to do. Mea culpa I guess. I have to go now and I have not even started writing what I initially intended to.

Actually, if he realized that success does not bring happiness then yes. Even though holding a finished piece of art (success) can be highly fulfilling... Overall, I can imagine this guy on his deathbed being in peace with how things went. I don´t think there is much he did not try.

#mindfuck (From the song/video "the gate" by artist Björk I took some screenshots because I was wondering... Is that...? Is that a light-gasm causing waves or ripples of some sort? Hmm... I guess she really carrrres for him then... <3

Some peoples 1% of manifested vision has enough magic for guessing the other potential 99% and that 99% again having their origin in infinity itself. Quite godly, don´t you think?

hmm... Normally I considered it wiser not to say that Da Vi´s work made me codify my new journal with arbitrary symbols no keyboard contains and therefore can´t be typed into a computer and of course no person would have an easy time understanding (unless they had a specific Programm for it)... But since one can partially read the one of Leo from a screen now and he had to reupload his new video due to his spoilers... Hmm... But still... He´s right... I´ll have to digitalize most of my shit one day... Do you know any place where Macbook Airs (preferably with preinstalled Microsoft OneNote) fall from the sky or do I have to go earn some more money from the system that makes me eat others people dust all day? ... Aaand the latter it is! Ah yeh... I love these moments...

Only wise question to ask here is: And? Was he happy? WAS Leonardo from Vinci happy? Can we count him as a sage or should we say Da Vi vs Monks? I mean seriously... He got high on his work, no doubt, he was loved, valued and respected by many, probably died in the arms of a king (I don´t know if that counts to happiness), lived out his passions, followed his interests, had some really profound insights, saw and fed from more beauty than most of us will ever, shows signs of enlightenment by his description of nothing, I don´t think that success and some wealth harmed him... On the other hand he went through hardships, had enemies, suffered his worries, went through disappointment (but who´s save from these after all?)... His big dream. Flying. It did not work out. Plus, he was attached to his appearance... Nobody knows how his love life looked like... I guess I just don´t know overall. His work was his meditation and he also contemplated a lot... He does have some sage qualities... What I love about his story is that he is such an autodidact and crossover, interdisciplinary human that I am sitting here, it´s the 21st century and I am inspired.

I forgot the badass component. I think his drive, his motives where just too strong to give in to discomfort or fear (kinda had to in his times). Slit open some corpses to learn anatomy? No big deal for Da Vi (Can I call him that way? Please...). Go ahead construct weapons of war... And? Did his technology surpass his humanity? Another sensitive mind that built up that coolness and well... Almost coldness... Makes me wonder... Can we cuddle with Da Vi or would he be one to see it as waste of time? I can´t control my switches... Chances are... He got ahead just fine with his slightly criminal mind. Don´t you think he´d be a brilliant murderer? He´d find ways to get it all done with ease and leave no trace... I´m drifting off (but seriously... If I was one of the Medici I´d be like... Ey Da Vi... I got a job for you... Who´d be better at planning something like that than him?)... Yea okay, see now I constructed a Da Vi hitman theory. I can hear the star wars universe saying: Clouded, this girls future is!...

Da Vinci Some weeks ago Leo mentioned researching Leonardo Da Vinci because... That guy could learn and do anything. I thought... Wait a minute, I know barely a thing about this name... Let´s check him out... Have I been sleeping or why didn´t I know? Maybe because I am more attracted to people who are still alive... Like eh... Kesha Anyway, life has changed ever since... Profound proverbs #007 says that experience is a hard school, but a fool will learn no other way (an Irish proverb if we believe Leo which... We are lazy... And don´t care )... I don´t know in which fashion that is meant but I think Leonardo Da Vinci would feel like a pretty big fool hearing that because experience was his main learning method. He claimed to be a student of experience. Well, we would say he mastered observation (experience and observation aren´t quite the same, right?)... That is for sure... As for experience... We´re ALL fools then, aren´t we? So what I noted for myself is that Leonardo was a brain linker, a realist dreamer and an all force mobilizer. He used both of his hands even for fine motor work. I have felt like using them both in several occasions throughout my life but you need to keep up with that or it might just lead to great confusion (and fuck... that level of concentration... I´m jealous...)... I see potential in this being one reason for his changing character... That and... Heh, experience... He must have spent a big amount of his life in flow state, I think he experienced his work as very pleasant (most of the time at least), went into concentration and did not get easily out or back... And of course his dedication paid off... That reinforced his drive until the soup would get cold... The real hack though was if not believing that he is special then at least that what he is doing is, that his approach is (which it was...). It was not just about getting out of his low status, he mainly cared about becoming and being better. He enjoyed being ahead of others, he wanted them proven wrong, he... Had a big ego because he HAD to have one, he had no other choice rather than create the ways in which he would be in a position where he could be very confident about himself. He did not get anything for free after all... Even though his attractiveness came first I guess... He observed it would be better to preserve and perfection it, I guess... What else? Well, I don´t care if the special handwriting he used was comforting him, the side effect of others not being able to easily read what that man who was constantly standing, walking around and taking notes in a notebook comes in just too handy, if you´re asking me... People can be very annoying and curious... Another main insight. Da Vinci did not add or subtract anything to reality. He saw it´s perfection in awe and felt a need to understand it. Maybe when sitting down to execute he added light or shadow to a painting but you see... I don´t know if it was his projects or what was valued in art at those times but it had to look highly realistic and the best version of realistic. Not just a face for example but that face at its prettiest angle surrounded with the most complementing light, the perfect underlining Color... Well, a perfectionist, what else? But back to bare perception which is what he did first... He USED his senses, it´s like he drained them out. And by doing so he found there to be more to things. He found that mood, that soul, spirit, atmosphere, movement... Which is what set him apart from others. He was literally sensitive and his sight was a loving one. Patient. Mindful. Yes, that is the word and I think that it´s where things get slightly spiritual... Another note I took: Glasses. It´s like he had a variety of glasses or lenses to look at a task. Like he could say: "Shades vision on" or "architectonical zoom vision off", now "3D model in big"... He did not just master the ways of looking at ideas but he also mastered his switch of glasses... It´s less like one person with several brain functions/skills but more like one brain with several brain/person functions... Well, heh... Now I´m impressed. But look he was, as anyone who ever came up with the limitless drive to accomplish exceptional work, obsessed. Addicted. He WAS his state, he was his work. He was doing, even his thinking was doing I bet he forgot his own name more times than I will ever... But just because he did not write too often about his emotional world does not mean it did not exist rather than his agony and bliss by work. Also anxiety and fear of failure in his earlier years at least... It looks like he was good at linking and blending ideas. He was... Creative (of course). But he had bit of a comparative mind didn´t he? Quite measuring... Well, it had to for his work, be set in proportions and distances... Look, he was hard working. He was willing to do more in order to get more and he was interested in how far it goes... He worked with what he had and not with what he didn´t until he´d get what he wanted anyway. I´m not talking just about material, I´m talking about utilizing information, anything he came about to know... It´s what the fittest lower class people do (include me if you like)... Another thing is that he had no google, he carried that in his notebook and his mind. Define this, define that... Not just describe but define. As an artist he could had been satisfied with the surface of things but he went way beyond that, to the abstract, the function and then of course possibility of things. He was a philosopher at heart interested in the nature of reality, he knew how to ask questions. From that he built his understanding of the world from scratch. Once again, I am impressed. Well and... If one looks close, like Da Vinci, one might find patters there and the more patters one finds, the more analogies and even speculations one can make... Last note: Da Vinci= visualized genius. You see... So many multidisciplinary potentials of excellence walk on this earth... But that all needed skills get built, get mastered by someone and meet the eye of the average Joe? As rare as Da Vinci himself I´d say. You can SEE the fabric of mind in his codex, you can see both his training and his fruits of work. It´s all on paper. And it makes me wonder what came first... The idea and then the picture, the plan, the sketch or the other way round? Did he look at the basic notes and imagined up the complex, did he built in his mental map, onto memory? As a painter the drawing was part of execution but as an engineer it was part of planning. It was still an idea, just a picture, a page...

Do I have to explain my absence? We´re not in mainstream education here so why would I?... Well, dropping out is not an option... Even if this class is never over because it doesn´t end with an exam, papers or diplomas... Only with death I guess Is there anything that I could say that would be of substance? Not really... I´m struggling to hold all paradoxes, I´m afraid, I´m struggling to keep my lifestyle in agreement with my values, I´m struggling not to care too much or too little, to decide on what to think less or more about, to make sense of what doesn´t and to question that which does... I´m tempted into all directions and as the Greek speakers say "curiosity killed the cat"... I´m getting lost in detail I´m afraid... Does beauty make the usage or usage the beauty? Mind fuckery Did not know that it´s a synonym with paradigm shift... Thought it means binging in so much information that you can´t process it anymore... It´s no real big paradigm shift for me that history is wrong or that water has memory and plants can collectively kill animals and possibly people and stuff like that (anymore at least). What throws me out of order is how I judge myself wrong, how people make decisions, how much luck in bad luck, in luck, in bad luck (feel free to continue) I´ve had. One must also keep in mind that I used to be a really sick person (trust me, I was) and a good actress when I felt it was righteous... Parenting Leo joked that if he had kids they´d either become the Budha or heroin junkies... Just in case you wonder... I´d be a crack whore if he was my biological one (that guy 24/7 for an entire childhood? I´d drown in resistance to his every word even before reaching the years of rebellion)... And here is something I did not mention because it is slightly embarrassing and also rude... The picture of my actualization snail and the cockroach right at the top of page 15... Well, I never thought I could feel so much love for someone as ugly as Leo (please laugh). De facto, when I started my journey I thought: "Great! Ugly as fuck and far away-I´ll never have daddy issues with him! Finally a teacher to have a normal relationship with!..." Yeah...

It´s okay if you don´t understand... All I suggested was to think differently. I´m sorry if you feel like I or anyone else here would want to lead you towards misery. Notice that you are free to do what you want. Whether or not you decide to listen to anyone is your own choise. Just know that we´re all here

after watching the Joe Rogan experience 961... This is interesting... After listening to some exciting new theory for around 7 hours in the podcasts 725 and 872 where Graham and Randall got Joe quite convinced I must admit that I was too. Now that Shermer and Marc and the guy from the research team got into the discussion I have a new picture, less of the theory but more of how much psychology works into the process of getting or not getting a/this theory waterproof... In 961 I would not say that I heard anything that speaks largely against the theory (really got confused if the evidence is strong enough though to speak FOR it), rather that I saw how difficult this is for BOTH sides to admit that they don´t know (if I understood this correctly they can´t even be sure that it was a comet but it might have been an asteroid for example). I trust people like Graham and especially Randall more though and that is simply because they would change their mind if they were proven wrong. They care about truth and Randall even said that he is searching for counterarguments. Interestingly this, in my eyes, good ability can be used against them by people who don´t support their theory. I rate Graham and Randall as people who question themselves even if the source for this questioning comes from people who do not know as much about the topic like they do. Graham´s situation is the most difficult one. I think it makes sense to assume that he does not want to loose his readers, his support, his credibility, his job. I can only speculate that he largely believes that even if the theory got proven wrong people would still value him as a great thinker (like I would) and keep listening to him. But if I was him I´d have my little fears creep in and I would be somewhat attached to my work and status, at least enough to get upset if my view gets a crack, not even a debunk but a crack... But as I said before I think he´d admit anything he was wrong about sooner or later. The hardest part for Graham and anyone who likes or dislikes what he says is that the theory is not seen as a theory but... As part of the person who proposed it. (So are the single parts of the theory...). People associate quotes that occur in it with the writer even if the writer mentions them as food for thought or to give a taste about their author without really supporting them. Supposedly someone does not like the theory, they don´t like its writer equally as much, at least if they don´t know him/her. Now this is absolutely dangerous because they might and that even unconsciously treat the data lazily and start threatening the writer right in the ego. But this has a very, very shitty effect. The writer then becomes more fired up about his work and Attachement. (So Graham in this case, gets offended and of course has to speak up against this injustice since after all it is highly irresponsible by people who have an audience to make it believe falsely something negative about a unknown person and that persons work). Now he is more likely to defend his theory and it becomes more unlikely that he will admit it is wrong if it is (which is not entirely clear by now). Fact is that Grahams theory did not even get a real chance by someone like Marc or even someone who calls himself a sceptic like Micheal Shermer. Mainly because these people look at all alternative theories the same way, namely sloppily and do not think about the consequences of their instant rejection (they might still read it but have already rejected it), plus, they might not even be aware about how quickly this is done and what impact that has in their position. Not just do they mislead people who trust their ability to think critical and be open minded but they are also highly damaging and tactless towards anyone who opposes some new idea with the very worst consequence that new ideas have a very, very hard time getting even heard, with possible truth unravelled. What I learnt: If there is truth (in this case we still don´t know) in an alternative view, it has a hard time getting forward. If I was to say something alternative I have a double challenge: 1. My data is harder to be taken serious both by people with a fixed view and influence and of course by their audience and therefore random people and 2. My ego has a lot to bare if I care about my success and outcome of work but even if I don´t care I will likely be treated and judged unfairly. If I want to get to the opponents, or people who are likely to do a bad judgement of my work and persona I need to speak to them directly. (Both Shermer and Marc would not had thought the way they did about Hancock if they had had this conversation with him earlier). Even though I am not sure if they had given him their time... Maybe it was the podcast situation that forced them to take them seriously. Should I be able to meet them I would ask them certain questions before even releasing a book and at least form a picture of me as a person who does not build air castles (and you should not fuck with). I would test the mainstream scientists. By speaking their language. If possible... That means that I could write a paper listing up all evidence and theory I have. Even within the community there can be great disagreement but this way it gets a better chance of being treated as research work and not just a fantasy or story. Plus, it becomes easier to refer to. I can´t trust anyone. I can´t trust the book and the implications it has, I can´t trust its theory even if I like it, even if it convinces me. I can´t trust the scientific data because there might be alternative explanations or something that got misinterpreted or overseen... I can´t trust the scientists who want to prove it wrong and I can´t trust me because I might unconsciously take the side of the smart guy because he is so smart or if I was to know a scientist that has been right a thousand times I might lean more towards his points, or if I was a scientist myself and if I had a lot of contrary evidence and a new theory would sound absurd I might not even consider that there might be even more or stronger evidence on his side etc. etc... I know it is easy to say that I would not fall into any epistemological traps. But I am afraid I´ll be falling into many... I am not sure if I can treat everything with a big "we don´t know". It takes a bit of the adventure and mind blow away... But even just the possibility of something can be exciting... But then again if everything is just possibilities... Oh no, no, no-not THAT rabbit hole again ...

What I learnt from The Joe Rogan experience 725 and 872 never exclude the possibility that off field people can investigate a topic with much fresher eyes than those who earned their diplomas on it and have already spent years of thinking by using certain information as fact We might miss the elephant in the room because the elephant is the room. Sometimes the evidence for something is so big that it can´t be seen but from a birds eye view. Always consider peoples interests and egos when evaluating their data. people who dedicate their life passionately, patiently and open minded to investigation are more likely to discover something ground breaking keep up with a theory, even if it gets rejected by the mainstream scientists until you have gathered overwhelming facts from a variety of sources if a widely accepted theory gets questioned then the proposer of a new theory will very likely be ignored and/or be labelled with some title that will leave him/her stigmatized us untrustworthy (therefore always give information from field outcasts a chance) only because a theory contains an element/event that reminds of/would support some other theory/myth that is associated with lies and dogma, that does not mean the element/event did not take place/is not possible or true myths can contain information of real historical events embedded in a made up story with anthropomorphic characters of various interests and intentions standing in for forces and phenomena that are easier to remember and understand that way highly symbolic art can give hints about historical values and events oh and... Even if such an exciting idea as pre astronautism occurs we should not close our eyes in front of some rather simple answer like part of humanity having developed more into the technological direction than another long before we did. This behaves like religion or the elephants on the turtle... Even though aliens are nice elephants and turtles... It´s all us once again (but since I can never be sure and I will leave room for more possible alien or not mind blows in the future). ... Looks like the attachment that people have with their work or at least the hours spent learning and repeating and teaching and shaping, possibly draining pride from knowing, theories that they have accepted as facts makes their egos unlikely to throw away their fixed historical world view (you don´t say Anna...). The interesting part is that this identification is (for now) so deep in most, if not all of the mainstream scientists that we might have to wait until that entire generation dies off until the new evidence and theory starts getting evaluated and taken seriously. The quantity of people who are ignorant, purposefully or not, to this really compelling amount of data about something as basal and big as a topic like the origins of human civilisation and possible future gives me a reminder of the dark ages of humanity I live in. If we don´t know the truth about something of this size then what other answers have we overseen and how long will it take until there is a global acceptance towards them? ... If learning equals behaviour change then knowing about the flood which the melted ice and rainfall caused, which again the comet caused, does not just mean that I have to start thinking and talking about history taking this into account but actually try to do something about the meteorites/comets that might repeat this whole disaster in the future. I am obviously not interested in the construction of weapons to fight each other but if we need some armour to defend life on earth itself I think I´m in the boat... Or at least raising consciousness about this.

That last entry is definitely the ugliest entry I´ve ever written. Looks like ignorance and loss of balance correlate... Surprise, surprise... But I thought that I have to maintain some disciplin, i.e. writing an entry around every week even if it contains devilry... And contradictions and nonsense.. But help to help myself always comes (actualized.org...) and even if it behaves like driftwood on an oceanwave that moves rather slowly untill it gets to the shore, -it eventually does (last year I drained quite some wisdom from ocean waves). Maybe I should put a smiley here... Here: The mathematics of devilry are really sweet. Leo... They remind me of my "mathematics and ergon of emotion" I started writing months ago (but never finished or shared)... Then I decided that my formulas are subjective and that I don´t want to inspire something wrong out of it. I have a playlist called neurotic/drama by the way (like Leo has one called sad songs)... But I also have one with empowering songs and one with psychedelics and more... Hey, isn´t it funny how the best form of self help is to... Well... Get rid of the self? Thursday night after work I stopped near the river to eat and then meditate... When I wanted to leave I realised that my bike was stolen. That made me... First react with the words "huh, I can´t believe this... Whatever... Does not matter." And then it made me... Smile. For some reason that made me smile. I like the challenge of having to face what always looks like a new strike of injustice. And to remember the important things... Anyway, next day we found it covered in sand behind a bus station. Friday I disappeared onto a hill/mountain (hillside of a mountain?) and sat there... And sat there... And yea, sat there... I watched the morning fog give its way to the sun, I saw the people come out on foot or with their cars and do things around their houses, I watched one of those beautiful gigantic spiders almost fly from one plant to another and the river flow from far away... I closed my eyes to meditate and went through diverse states (and maybe the spider had a quick stay on me as well)... First I had to resolve a lot of conflict. I feel very strong. I might be in the perspectives that keep me away from depression but I´ve started falling into some strange asshole-ness. But let´s be honest... When the mind comes up with the same shit for the hundredth of time, don´t you answer to it: Come on, you bore me to death (just like, even if I don´t want to admit it, many people or at least activities people waste their time on)... I know that my life is a distraction. All of it. Still I buy into its offerings. Especially when it presents me something new that does not bore me. For example that person I ended up living with (since my bro went so mad about me roaming around couch surfing, camping and my dear beloved woods...) and certain conflicts that goes along... Not just when things go bad (which they don´t) but when they go too good? You know it´s easy to give all kinds of diagnosis to oneself. And nowadays there runs an obsession with that. We´re obsessed with "problem", "disorder", "symptom", "therapy"... I think I´ll reduce my challenge into: Is "god" and doesn´t always remember... Twinkle smiley? ...I am trying to keep my confidence high enough to not seem/feel inferior but low enough to not seem/feel superior. My weird switching of perspectives and moods obviously confuses people... By the way... I passed the written and bigger part of the security exam. But failed the oral... It took those three judges a lot longer to decide if I passed than with other people, they debated hard enough so that I could hear it through the door and for one more time I am the extra case. I don´t do anything for it. I don´t even look strange anymore since I stopped keeping my head shaved... Maybe I should install cameras and start watching my behaviour all day? Then I might find out when exactly I got the twelve leg bruises from work? (Under-sensitivity in one, -over in another domain...).

@Fibonacci(such for my taste well chosen usernames are rare...) Oh and... Close the porn tab... Put the joint aside... Reading this does not take too long... I have a quest for you. You can chose your deadline, 30 or 35, (unless you´ve died already)... Until then I have a single question for you to answer which would be: Can you tell me any reason(s) why every single of these terrible things that happened are simultaneously absolutely the best that ever did? It´s the core question. The unknown ex. I have many more. But if you succeed in answering this you might actually be capable of a mind bending that those "geniuses" you seem to use to measure your worth, are too... I don´t know what made you believe what you believe but notice that it´s you who keeps beliefs that might be lies, alive. ... Don´t be too harsh on yourself... Nobody blames a sick man for being sick. But I wonder what happens after he learns about the medicine... Will he take it? It´s bitter but... Damn it´s results are too good to be true... I also wonder how well he can really do. Surely better than this. But we will never know if he doesn´t get healthy first. Don´t underestimate your power and ability to recover. I don´t know how much the drugs have influenced your performance and I do take your fears seriously... But we both know that your capabilities aren´t just dependent on that... Sometimes it is enough to know that the potential is there. And you better believe it is... Suppose you have it and think you don´t. Are you ever going to realize it? No. So better shoot for the moon and you might catch it... If you catch a star instead then be it so. But shoot. Not your head but for that moon. Chances are that when you will free yourself from these lies, compulsiveness and mental dead ends, you won´t even stray so much for what you think it is that you need. You know... Smart people like having fun. Real fun. And smart people like being happy. Truly happy... Have some compassion with yourself because you would not be the only one who doesn´t know yet what and how these are. So... Answer my question because if you are right and psychology and philosophy don´t require as much intellect as logic and math, like you said, this should be easy.

"This thread is quite old. Please consider starting a new thread rather than reviving this one" -no!

2015 A.H. Almaan (A. Hameed Ali), a spiritual teacher and author, integral theorist, mystic (not that titles matter this much but hey... Maybe he can be a metasource for research?+ he is the guy on the right side of the screen). He facilitated 5 scientists to make a conversation on how close science is to understanding consciousness. 4 theories on consciouness were suggested. As far as I got it, they are quite confident about being close to understanding. There is chance of course that this is just nice comedy... But do you think it´s possible to make a mathematical theory about consciouness which will enrich its understanding for the nondualist, spiritual practisioner? Or do you think this is eternal tapping in the dark? Will this, even if it succeeds have something more to offer rather than direct experience? (bald guy from the left): Stuart Hameroff, anesthiologist and professor at University of Arizona, known for his studies of consciouness (next to Stuart): Julia Mossbridge, cognitive neuroscientist (first from the left next to Stuart): Donald Hoffman, cognitive scientist and author (guy in the middle): Henry Stapp, mathematical physicist, known for his work on quantum mechanics (bearded guy on the right next to Henry): Chris Fields, interdisciplinary information scientist (physics and cognitive neuroscience)

welcome to my relativity... (or how else am I going to call this spontaneous cloud of self reflexion?) What thoughts do pass this mind on a Saturday morning? There is this song playing in my mind "The Red" by Chevelle... I find it very interesting how the associations with music keep changing over time... Isn´t there a song for everyone? For those with anger issues and their victims... A song for those starving, for those who are alone, that lost a loved one, the abused, the poor, the jealous, the sick, the ones with a heartbreak... It´s a bank. Name it, have it. Find a way to allow and float on the feeling. Good when music becomes needless... When life can resemble like holding a specific single tune that creates the state of mind you want... I have one in which I could kill someone. And not out of direct rage. I´m sure it is related to that like bread is related to the starch it´s made from... But out of coldness, out of nothing, out of... That fantasies of death I´ve had, out of knifes cutting open the perfect, flawless skin that society loves so much seeing, soaking in, soaking it´s youth out, that it wants to protect. And it can be so addictive to watch blood run, to know that you´re alive. ...But what you´d do to you, you´d do to others... Am I creepy? I´ve never claimed to be good or perfect or suited for becoming a sage. But who is? The truth can be disappointing or at least able to... Discourage. At least I can admit my own thoughts to myself and apart from maybe a binge eating relapse due to higher stress I´ve been "clean". But should I poison the world with my oddities or talk about progress? Maybe I don´t always want to talk about progress? Maybe I don´t care about showing off. Maybe I don´t tell people all of my success so that I don´t have to share my failings too? Or what kind of knowing thyself is that, were only one side of the coin is lit? It´s the mistakes we learn a ton from after all, isn´t it? Maybe sometimes I don´t care about being a symbol for hope, maybe it does not drive or inspire me anymore? Maybe I´m empty enough to look at everything in exactly the same light, maybe I can for once be objective and entirely honest? And what is it to want to cover up the leftover struggle? I mentioned that I´d stop making a distinction between the others and me back in 2015. And I have not forgotten. I can stand as a mirror to others just as others can to me. And I am not afraid to look into it. I am not afraid to appear egoic or self centred or in some low state of mind or development. It´s the first step to change or undo it... What is it with us running behind ideals? And isn´t it ridiculous how people want a leader, someone to guide them, show them their blind spots and tell them what to do but at the same time can´t take responsibility for having given away their free will? Isn´t it ridiculous how they have forbidden themselves to "be god" but still develop enough pride to be "the devil"?... Maybe one stems from the other? ... And me, how ridiculous am I? Did I seriously tell someone that I am leaving the house for some hours to meet up with friends in order to celebrate my birthday but went to uni to study for the exam to be acceptable to a security company? What is so bad about having broken off the contact with most of my friends? What is so bad about having reshaped life in order to hunt a dream (and that dream not being working 12 hour night shifts just in case someone wonders...)? At least I am able to have a conversation with a stranger, at least I´ve talked to random people on the street, at least I am flexible and free to experience any perspective I want. I love it how people think that from not just giving nothing but even from unconscious destroying or as a part of destruction or blockage for development that something beautiful, healthy, giving and functioning would come... No, it did not come. I created it... So it DID come only that they´ll never know the time and energy it did cost... But they still like to ask and judge you about your life, put you in labels and boxes, think you´re one thing, think you´re non fluent, bordered, fixated. And you accept them and you forgive them and you have patience and you always have that one question on your mind: How am I going to embody the view away from my own personal drama in the skin of that figure that HAS fallen victim, HAS a story and a name and a status, that won´t be taken serious without reasoning on the actions that filled it´s time but still knows that that isn´t the focus it wants to give because it wouldn´t be the cure. The cure would probably be to stand motionless in observation of those that call you whatever they want to see in order to feel better about themselves... But... Isn´t that what I am doing already? Wisdom does not make you money or look smart or attractive to strangers but it earns you some respect in the eyes of those who know you. It leaves you with the few close friends some people don´t even know how much they could need... I´ll keep writing until my blood sugar doping drops... And what is it with measuring everything? I´ve started putting the world in numbers, I fear to have started resembling those who like spreading the feeling of worthlessness to those untrained in... Effectivity and realism... But isn´t there this satisfying feeling of some inaccurate, non perfect expression, some word standing in for something mystical and unclear at exactly the right spot in a sentence like the correct spice that underlines perfectly the flavour of a certain food? It´s a thrill. To always know just as much so that you are challenged to understand more but not get bored of what has been experienced already, that the future can be painted but not yet lived, that everything is equally certain and uncertain, that there is symmetry in probabilities that everything points to... Let´s use the word god? Aren´t people easy to fool? How come they really think I´m someone they can trust? Or do they just buy into the game? Yes, I would not harm them... I would not want to hurt them in any way. But how on earth do they see me as they do? Sure they feel the states I´m in to some extent... I don´t want to claim that it is easy to see them through and some cases are seemingly unsolvable but I know from what hurt one so terrible person and what pathetic routs that so nice person comes... And those who know how psychology really works have their moments were it´s all very obvious... We stand in front of each other naked. And I don´t mean by evaluating historical facts... But by knowing our backgrounds, paying attention to the wandering of our sight, noticing the shifts of tone in our voices, the micro expressions in our face... And I always wonder in dark moments, did the woman on the street see that my smile wasn´t real this time? Did she appreciate the gesture? Would she see any difference if I smiled out of my bliss or if I smile because I don´t want her to read the uncertainty on my face? Things I´ll never know if I don´t ask. Are Big Think, the school of life and some other YouTube channels/websites getting topic inspiration by dropping by at actualized.org? Or are all topics just trending at around the same time because the internet is networked so well? Or do I see the link between things because everything is within our psychology, everything is relative if thought about in some depth and I have become good at perceiving so? I keep wondering if I am paranoid or not. If Leo picks up a thought of mine (or of somebody else on the forum), extends it and forms a video because he thinks I am representable for a group whose questions he might answer that way, if he shares because he liked it (because it was truth and insightful), if he shares because he is playing the game like me or if he came up with it around the time I did coincidentally... Maybe he wants to help me.... But is he really living in a perspective where that serves him? Maybe he is just the biggest better knower of all times and likes to show what a great thinker he is, maybe it´s just constructive critic for his attentive students... Or maybe just maybe he does not know why himself... And what about JP Sears and his new video where he makes fun of considering everything being your own fault? Could that be a comedians way to respond to Kyle Cease who made a video based on this approach some time ago in order to actually empower people to take care of their own and the worlds fate? But wasn´t it JP who promoted him on his channel? Then again... JP makes fun of anything he can find... Recently it was the raw vegan cooking channels tendency to replace food ingredients with other food ingredients that taste nothing like the original... Well yes, that is a bit like being so hungry that you paint a... Was it duck?... Am I the only one who does not exclude the possibility that Leo once took a Chinese class? He´s not bad at pronouncing Lao Tzu and stuff like that... (Look at this thought stream... Vomits out anything related it can find... So... Female?). ... Sometimes I talk to someone and I can see that thought bubble of "holly cow shit, I did not expect this/ I had not thought of that" flying over their heads. And I am surprised again and again how my approach to solving a problem turns out to have been just fine even though others seemed so confident about their own... Here´s one of my weaknesses... My creativity makes me slow. It´s okay for me because I know what I can do but it makes me look really incapable in certain peoples eyes who like everything on demand... But I feel fine with this, there are just too many people who feel just like me. Then there is my memory which becomes worthless in the moment something blocks my access to it... I know many people who don´t remember entire years of their lives or ace tests only to forget anything the subject was supposed to teach them... I am lucky to be able to savour on what I´ve understood once and even more on what I´ve trained but I am worthless or at least of less worth on paper... I have finally reached the point where I´ve made up my mind enough to be able to focus on a single interest fro some time (to study that means well and not half assed by switching priorities all the time). I´ve been whoring around between passions and interests for years. Great for wisdom, for adventurous stories, an authentic path but terrible for success. Absolutely terrible for a success measured in money at least. For now...

...Do you sometimes play this game where you imagine everyone having your face? It´s funny... Obviously because your face does not look good on everyone... So now I´m imagining Leo dancing like a fool with my face before his psychedelics kick in... hahahah Let me see what I could share... Ah, yes... I was thinking about expansion the other day... Definition of expansion 1: expanse 2: the act or process of expanding territorial expansion economic expansionexpansion of the universe 3: the quality or state of being expanded 4: the increase in volume of working fluid (such as steam) in an engine cylinder after cutoff or in an internal combustion engine after explosion 5a : an expanded part and b : something that results from an act of expanding. The book is an expansion of a lecture series 6: the result of carrying out an indicated mathematical operation : the expression of a function in the form of a series (Thank you Mrs Webster...) 1. Expansion by gathering, consuming or creating materials.... Then: a) using it (for entertainment, survival or comfort) endorphins: 3/5, then drops rather quickly (no matter the price, that´s a cheap thrill) b) or not. endorphins: 1/5 (really just the thrill of bying and having... Of the cheapest thrills) How sustainable is that? Obviously depends on the nature and ammounts of material... But lets take peoples obsession with cars, tech, clothing, alcohol and other drugs or stimulants... Mental/physical prostitution to jobs and money in order to buy new and/or better ones... Plus, most of the industry does not care too much about nature... Or people working in it... And that has its backfirings... (minus points for the karma xD). 2. Expansion through informational intake... a) By mere consumption endorphins: 3/5, in most of its forms it drops when you start doing something else Sustainability: Not really. It is time consuming, has a financial benefit for provider but not th receiver. Usually addictive, leads to physical and mental decline, then to earlier death after an unfullfilled life... b) or in order to understand, for creative use and forming perspectives. endorphins: 4/5, that would be intellectual growth, some character shaping and as we recently learnt, if it results in behavioral change (real learning), then it will produce even more endorphins in the long run (sometimes in the really long run) but sounds like a win, win situation. Sustainability? Well you need a medium to get the information whose cost can vary... The production of written, audio, visual or audiovisual information is bound to different industries and people. The good thing is that the digital forms need nothing more than server saving space... The bad thing is that people throw quite a lot of paper and tech through which the information is comsumed away... But I guess it´s worth this cost and appart from that, if people care about quality they won´t need that much quantity (both in the medium and the information). Finances, physical and mental health should at least stay on a good level, if not get better by the use of the information. 3. Expansion by... Being? endorphins: 5/5, I give this a 5/5 because even if getting there needs training (which at first can suck ass), the effect of this clearly lasts over the training time. If mastered, both training and and the rest of a days time are influenced positively. Sustainability? Rather high. Time cost. Maybe initial financial cost in order to learn techniques. Now... How about consciousness expanding drugs? Aren´t those a mixture of 1 and 3? Or how about pickup? Isn´t that the consumption of a... Human... Material? So it´s 1a, somewhat even 1b (no good choise... Unless it ends up in awesome, non dual experience inducing sex which is unlikely because that wants more then just good chemistry (pheromones and some psychology...) and some communication but a good ammount of trust and cooperation that can only happen with time invested and actual interest in the other which will unlikely occur in just a one night stand lets say... Yes I know, I´m overthinking... Okay... I am human (at least this is what I´ve been told and what the character of Anna, which I am playing untill my physical death is more or less bound to) and humans like expanding... So... How?... I think I´ll go with 50% Being, 30% Information and 20% Material? Uh shit, I forgot that i also have to work in order to finance my health and to buy the information mediums... Unless I could make these to my work... Then I could maybe go with 20% being and dedicate the rest to information and material. Sounds ok? ...You know what I think of at least once a week if not once every two to three days for years now? We are the only animal that does not know how to raise its children ( and no culture does not count because culture is just thinking that we know... Animals at least have instincts. I don´t even know if we can or should trust our instinct on that...), we don´t even fucking know how to eat in order to be long term healthy (unless we learn it or happen to grow up with people who are educated in that area)... We forget how to breath properly? Soon we´ll forget how to take a dump or what? And how about getting along with each other? Sure animals fight and many times kill each other but they usually have a good reason and we kill each other in great quantity out of many times really bad argumentation... Yup we´re the only one with an ego... Or how else are we going to explain all this confusion, misinformation and delusion? Uh damn... I have to pee (can´t imagine being a lifeform that doesn´t have to do this every day and might be curious about how it´s like to be a human or at least a mammal or an organism with multiple-ok,ok I don´t have to get that detailed... Or can I? Well, it´s worth a thought that maybe somebody or something out there in the universe is jealous of me...) Okay, I have to go serve the enslavement- I mean divine serving and act of care and love towards my body... Goodbye...

Learning... Keeping a journal... Speaking of that... I´ll soon need a new offline journal because the old one is almost full. Or maybe start writing more into this one again ( free saving space advantage)? I am moving to a new place and found some old journaling from 2 years ago. It is as if she knew the future. But she was neurotic and kind of obsessed and really lost. I´m not. Even though at the moment things are not running too smooth since I am building infrastructure and moving to another place and filling boxes... Self actualization notes (mostly of actualized.org material), got their own box by the way... Hmff... What to say? I just can´t keep up with Mr. Baldowic... Of course I can´t. I haven´t been here for too long. He´s got like 10 years more life experience than me, self actualization is somewhat his job, if his library drops onto someone we might never see him/her again, he probably has a secret locker with supplies of a variety of psychedelic drugs to boost his self inquiry (or whatever else these things do for him) and the phone numbers of a dozen different enlightened people in order to contact them in case he has a question... Oh and some sort of software to spy on all of us in order to decide which topic his next video will be about. Or was that just his big brain? ...At least I´m not a total noob anymore? Maybe noobs ARE dangerous... But Leo noobs are also the future and a potential source of money for you so don´t be so... Rejective? ...Maybe it´s just me who has a tendency to feel unwelcome ... It gets really difficult. Consume all this information, then try to see what and how much of it is even realistic and needed to apply right away, then test, then alter it to suit your case perfectly, then don´t forget it and try to stick with it. Then trust... Then don´t trust. Doubt. Question a lot, just work and make up your mind... Use the examples as examples, trust the examples but don´t take them for true? Get inspired but... Don´t live through someone elses art but... Create yours. I don´t like sharing my art with others. I know... Most people can´t wait to do so. Not so with me (unless I can do more or less anonymously on the internet). Better ask me to jump off a cliff... Oh my brother and I had an argument. We have not had such an argument in years. He found out that I was testing survival theory which I started learning from the internet and slept in the forest alone in a hammock... (Because hey, I am a practical person?). Well, he found out that I wanted to do a lot more of that stuff. Because I told him? Because I love nature, it helps me with my health, it boosts my non dual experiences, it costs nothing, it makes me happy, clears my mind, it´s the perfect place for a monkey like me (do you know anyone who was supervised by his/her job authorities twice to not exercise so much around?)... But heh. He went totally mad about this. So, I had to change my plans... A lot... And what have I learnt? If you want to have human relationships... Then expect that these people will show their worry about you and egotistically want you to give up or restrain your freedom and dreams so that they can sleep well at night because they have a different view on what safety and danger is... And different neuroanatomy... And know nothing about the addictiveness of higher states of mind... And the possibilities of healing after something happens. Or how it is like when this is already the case... I also learned to not call people who are not as dead as you inside (at least dead enough to perform surgery on yourself) a pussy (and even though the surgery went fine that next time I´ll let somebody else do it for me...) ... But listen to these people because... Human love and shit... We all need a few stupid hormones once in a while. A house? A boyfriend or husband? Duh... A FAMILY? Koi fish? No thanks, not my kind of dreams. Haha More of... An empty closed arena or gym. Or something small somewhere in nature, or on top of a really high building. Or... More time with my best friends? How about salad that doesn´t need dressing in order to long term taste good? Or maybe a 3D printer... Or time and money so that I can build my own? Or how about somebody to assist me on that and similar (if possible an AI or some kind of robot assistant)? No... I´m not trying to build a sky scraper on my own... But I already successfully constructed a handmade bivvy out of T-Rex tape and a survival plane... I even built a mosquito net in it. Something between a tent and and a bivvy... Perfect for those who can´t afford ultralight gear, want a little more space but hate carrying heavy shit. I don´t think I have a brain disease... More like... My head has stuck underneath gods thumb, I guess this is what makes me the lucky one (wasn´t there someone in the beginnings of the forum who introduced himself as Clayton? Anyway...). I feel great, never felt so good for so long. But it looks a little as if I´m ruining everything. LOOKS. Juuust looks. Trust me. I mean... Don´t. "All you have is your fire and the place you need to reach don´t you ever tame your demons always keep them on a leash"

Oh, look! It´s a title! ... Not. I both care about titles, organization, aesthetics, laws and correctness and... Absolutely don´t. I am both brave, spontaneous, talkative and somewhat dumm but also fearful and cautious, very calculated, closed up mysterious and able to access the realms of genius. Ask me if I´m extro or introverted and I can´t answer. Ask people who know me to answer the question and they also can´t. I have potential for great, what some would call evil and for great, what some others may call good. I find myself both boring and exciting, I am blown away by how familiarly magic and alienatingly spooky my doings are. I don´t feel like more than one person but my so different functions flow and I watch them pass, sometimes in love, sometimes in grief or even anger and more and more in and out of dead but peaceful and empty nothing. I used to be so paralyzed when I had to take decisions, living in the false belief that I had to choose or find identity... Then I decided to birth and create it how I´d like it... Kept redefining a perfection suitable for me... Then I realized that I was getting lost in that process... Now it´s irrelevant because I´m free from thinking that there comes any kind of bound or that any thought of mine would have more worth than another. Next time you meet me, you meet me again, you meet me from scratch. You... Can´t meet me. You´ll only know yourself, your own illusions and distortions and patterns untill you bump against your godlyness if you try and might understand me through that... We´re all of them. I have the potential for all of them. And I have found meaning in straying to act upon those judged as wise(r). -Hey Anna what took you so long? -Long? Time is relative, isn´t it? ... I´m not even through with watching the new video and I can´t decide if I sound like him or if he sounds like me... Which is good because we drink from the same source with similar filters to make the same or similar analogies and creations to understand and remember what we know... It´s dejavu. The other day I was thinking that if someone asked me who my favourite artist is, I´d answer Leo Gura ... Oh, you know why... Yes, I´ve noticed it as well... (Ahem... How couldn´t I?). When consciousness rises (doesn´t even have to be trip levels) everything looks so beautiful that you can´t even do much. It is rather paralyzing. Those are the times when I think that cutting days in half and being an ordinary and for the system functional person just can´t get along with a life in which you melt away and into mesmerizing, as Leo nicely called it, infinite Creation. That is probably why creating some space time islands for own little shamanic sessions or retreats to bring one back into sensual receptiveness from the "be fast, precise and do in no case look or think, wonder, inspire and get inspired to create so much into all directions" that most of our ways of bread earning is built upon... But then again... My... Fear? It is not fear, it´s anxiety, it´s not anxiety, it´s tension? It grows slowly back like my fingernails. Because it is so powerful to feel this way. And it is powerful to constantly un and redefine limits. These times I wonder: But who on earth did this now? Who told my feet to even walk here? And then all the paranormal stuff which is part of the entire thing, I get it- but it can be enslaving, it is easy to suffer it´s symmetric backfiring with just some small non serving action. I need more strength, more types of strength and endurance for these things... So for one more time I choose to forget and loose that connection and patiently develop in other, more foundational areas... But one day I might seal this mouth forever. If not for any utterance, then at least for those related to this. Might. Might because I´m tired of self fulfilling prophecies... (It used to be a dream of mine by the way... To never talk ever again. Or at least to only speak in rhymes or something like that. People assume that I like spoken language and communication but I actually had to learn loving it and became, pretty good I think, at expressing myself only because I knew I´d need to). Last year I was thinking about my journal and took a note: "This journal serves all purposes and none. How enlightened " ... Yes, there is something about high contrasts... Something wholistic... And something godly in the strongest and reality defining ones... Should we write some poetry? Nah, there is enough of it out there... I´d rather write about accepting my sensitivity. As far as I´ve observed I can influence it greatly but I can´t foresee or take full control. Some environments require me to either to be very strategic to keep my perception high or gradually let it numb out. When I try to keep allowing any strong sound or light or any other waves pass me through, when I try to keep the consciousness high for too long, I do abruptly crash by feeling such an enormous restlessness in my head that I want to self harm, run away or hide. Then there is the grounding of emotions or just tension when I´ve done quite some surrendering around that time that some environments and situations repeatedly require which as exhaustion takes over becomes harder. One lie, two lies (my last protection and/or result of explanatory lazynes about my stories and aspirations). Can´t decide if smart, potential conflict/complication creating or reducing white lies, one reaction, two words... Wrong placements... A bit of confusion and I keep asking for forgiveness when I loose my birds eye view, as if I was supposed to be so conscious, perfect and pure when my fading equanimity is of better strategy either way... Why of better strategy? Because then I´m not so distant and different from almost everyone culture soaked around me. I already know the solutions to what I´m facing. Visualizing all this under surface babble is helpful though... And for those who like to play with what we call time it´s a good way of memory support... Documentation has helped me revaluate many little pieces of information that by the time found seemed so unimportant but now ended up holding the big picture together because I understand them in new ways. There is always a perspective from which the essentiality of one specific, single dot, pixel, sound, "fill in the blanc" of a piece of art is brought forward.

Leo is right... I need the right mixture of practice. My snail friend is back in its natural habitat by the way... And my human friend arrived just yesterday. She seems a little zombiefied by the system(s) but I´ll reanimate her in no time. I hope Last week I caught my co-worker lying and got entertained (also happens when I catch myself lying to myself)... I said: Do you know what we both have in common? We´re both highly manipulative, with the difference that I´m conscious of it and you aren´t. He is one of those guys who like learning and reflect on all they learnt. But for him interacting with people or seeing new places or any information is about that information, it´s treated and seen as if it was separate. If I had to talk about all I learnt this time I´d only have insights about myself. I have only one lens to see the world through after all. It´s actually so much more about learning how the lens might and does distort things rather than what is around. And about imagining and understanding other lenses... Sometimes I can´t decide if I am doing the right thing (probably because right and wrong do not really exist). If I am not maybe harming someone else or myself in some subtle way... Speaking of subtle... I am, amongst other addicted to adventure seeking. Also to loneliness. And I tend to lie because I am a mine field in a sense that if people ask too many questions and I honestly answered them they´d bump against sad stories. It´s not just about getting vulnerable. I feel rather dead inside many times (this time in a freed and more healthy way, my reactions are gone, but people? You never know how they will take your bad luck and your scars and past ignorance. Usually they don´t know what to say. Others try to give you advice or help. Some others might just find a reason in that to get upset about the world. Whatever... The flaneuse will be fine