Anna Konstantaki

7492 I am in trouble. Again. 7491 was not really efficient. I am like a snail. I remember when I was 6 years old my teacher said to my mum that I was the little grandma of the class. I think there has not changed too much since then. The display problem ate up almost all day. The one thing that should not happen in any case happened, namely that I lost that USB and the cherry on the tart was that after this realization I tried to logg onto a uni device again, like I did before lunch but it would not let me. I could not fix that before today-as you can see... I am writing again. Anyways, I ended up going upstairs to a friend of mine and he gave me a harddrive to save everything left. My puffer time is about to be used up completely. I am afraid I will be running around doing last minute work again. It is interesting to see other peoples perspective on oneself... I was told that my brain deals with information very differently than others and that I am often in states that others only get when they are on drugs. I answered that he can have that as well, with meditation for example. He thinks that the way I am makes my life difficult and that he feels sorry for me. Hmm... I could extend on that but I won´t. Today I meditated but the thought of starting the day was heavy in my mind, so I desided to go to sleep again and then work with recharged batteries. Obviously I have to "save" myself before I can make serious plans about saving the world. And now ladies and gentlemonkeys, it is time to scan in books and see how many pages per hour I can write... That´s it. See you next time (° °)

@misko55 Yes, I was quoting and commenting on a text I wrote a couple of months ago. I have a lot of dialogs with myself. Good to know I am not alone.

7491 I am doomed... (That is why I am writing so late today). My laptop screen got smashed by this piece of wood/ shelf that I had crafted into a whitebord. I managed to copy my desktop files halfways blindly onto a USB stick. Now I am writing from a CIP POOL at uni. Meditation: I was thinking about how the hell I will solve my problems, I am like in this bubble, looking at life from 3rd person perspective and I am thinking: What a tragecomedy. After yesterdays entry I watched the new video. Well, thank you Leo for reminding me that I suck at preparation... And execution... And well... Yeah I just suck at a lot of things. There is no going back though. I commited to this so I will keep going. How I would describe my state at the moment: Confused little human chimp child. I have lists and notes but I am not organized enough and I need to create more reminders. Furthermore I have such a bad feeling of how much time something actually needs. I can barely estimate the hours I have for planing and then doing. I will have to coorporate more calculations into my life. My back up plan? Well my back up plan has usually been that if I screw my self over again I will go become a monk. An asian monk. These guys have always fascinated me. Especially the shaolin monks. I did seven years of martial arts myself (judo), then I discovered dancing... I used to be a disciplined and organised person. I know I can go back to that. We keep: Organisation, strategy, calculations, volition, observation of self deception. Looks like someone has a lot of work to do. I need to re-watch the video anyways... For now I have to save myself from another emergency so the value search thing is layed on ice. That´s it. (° °)

After meditation. Now this time It tried to concentrate on that self made noise in Its ears. Sounds like these old TVs when they are on stand by mode... Now let´s get on with things. Yesterday, as It was trying to make some bigger picture of what it wants to create (because in this world you have to know exactly what you want and It is dam confused about what it wants), It stumbled upon that text from 19.11.15... It says things like: "I dream of showing people all the invisible lines I see and show them how combining knowledge is something eye opening and wonderful and that openmindedness is beautiful and that the ones who posses it can go very far in whatever domain in life they wish to." Now that is unspecific but that sounds like that It will have to be influencing. A teacher. "I am dreaming of traveling deep inside my inner world and draining all possible wisdom there is. I am dreaming of being old and valued. I am dreaming of living extraordinary and knowing that I did what I could do, that I reached my potential, that I felt my feelings and was human in the best ways." Oh... The question of how to be human in the best way again+ Define extraordinary. "I dream of seeing places that will make me feel an earthling and I want to know that I did what I could to minder the pain of the world and that I tried to maintain balance for all life forms and that I noticed and respected all the big and small things that contributed to my existence and that I helped others do the same. " Life long learner: Already a thing. Traveling: Not going to happen in a big extent in the near future. The rest sounds like state green: Hippy alarm. "I want to believe in more abilities we yet have not discovered. I want to believe that earths life, humans included, will make it even when the time of our solar system has expanded, I want to believe in eternity, in the universe being something that won´t end. Furthermore I dream of the feeling of freedom and expressing myself as I wish, moving in the world without fear and being watched." Aaa... I see. Little chimpy wants to play superhuman again... Or do you want to become a humanitarian that experiments on herself through trying to contribute to humans evolution in a way that Ouspensky said for example? You could also develop technology to expand the humans abilities or is that cheating? Cosmology? Oh, come on... The universe is expanding, it might one day find its end in heat death but do you really care? You´ll be dead anyways... Freedom? That is a feeling. Achievable. Very... Fear? Not again mate... "I dream of having enough money to buy a villa and a fancy car and a private yet and NOT doing it. I dream of doing things better, making my investments better and meeting people like me and telling them how great they are." Ego candy. But you can become a minimalist... Won´t hurt anyone... People like you? Why would you tell them how great they are? You want a validation loop or something? Ego candy-Ego candy... I´ma wright a song ´bout that... " I dream of being a role model that has not existed in that way before and I dream of never stopping the challenges that I could make myself face until my last breath. " Possible but mathematically unlikely. Presidents age 19 times faster than ordinary people by the way. Just for an example. Now this is in interference with your goal of longevity. You might as well get assassinated. "I have a dream that I will contribute to changing the world through being the living proof that humans are powerful and that we all have the power to heal ourselves if we want to." Well OK... Do that and then what? Make a video on social media to spread hope? "I want to give hope to the people who remind me of my younger selves. I want to be the person I would had needed around in the past for others." I don´t understand. Do you want to be a teacher, a parent or a social worker? "Let´s dream... I want one day to be able to give speeches with such charisma as few have on this planet and I want to argument calmly and be calm whatever happens. I want to be calm when there is an earthquake, when someone is mistaking, misunderstanding or treating me unfairly, when I am in pain, when I have a problem, when I have to perform or judge or take responsibilities. I want to become the calmest person I know." Might happen after years of self development... Might never happen. "I dream of giving people the words,emotions they really need... I dream of becoming one of the greatest people I know and of feeling good about who I am every single moment of my life." Simple... Just spread Leo´s yogi wisdom... "I dream of being an inspiration by just a glimpse at me, I dream of being and looking powerful and drawing the interest and attention of people." Here comes the artist... Sounds a lot like ego candy by the way. Now, how is that supposed to work? You want to get super fit, glowingly healthy in and out and have some sort of unique style? A goal, yes but bringing that in alignment with all the other things like getting better at uni and all that spiritual work-you´ll burn out... Distant future thing. "I dream of being a leader that makes people feel hopeful, safe and driven." And I dream of being superman... You don´t want that. Liar! I mean... You can´t even take full responsibility about your own life, how do you want to lead others? Don´t forget by the way that leading positions are still predominantly owned by males... Maybe you can work on this for decades and some day get fruits out of it but fact is that you will have to sacrafice so much that you have to be very, very sure that this is something in alignment with your values... "I dream of surprising and moving the others." Motivational speaker or comedian, or writer... Maybe YouTuber... Extendable. "I dream of shocking the others by telling them things I know about them, by figuring them out, like nobody else has before." You are creepy. And neurotic. And you already do that. Person hacking is useful though... "I was dreaming of discovering the world with my best friend while being each others masters and going back to being childish but also wise, pure, light and innocent. " Yeah sure... Convince her to quit education and do that yourself , live in ...?, make money from ...? So dam realistic... That is a goal for vacation not for life. Maybe you can do that when you´ll be old and grumpy... If you first maintain yourself in the conditions to be able of course... "I dream of writing poems and texts about all the people that I find great and putting them out in the world so that these know they matter, they have mattered, to give the human life a value again, to arise the consciousness that we all count and we all influence each other and we can´t be our enemies anymore because we are connected if we like it or not. " Why don´t you go into human activism? I mean... Art is nice but wisdom is doing. "I keep forgetting this vision of a unique human interaction, of sex as art, as a sacred, conscious kind of ritual where people bond deeply on all levels and touch each other as if they were made out of gold..." Mmm... Well since learning about this Osho guy, I think that is a bad idea... Conclusions: More research needed. This is all old stuff- a lot of other things have been added. Maybe It will be able to combine a couple of these. It will have to clear up Its top values again otherwise this will never work. That´s it for 7490 - See you next time. (° °)

7490 And another day that starts at 5:00... But this time I´m writing before meditation. Now day 7489 turned out pretty terrible but at least It finished this painting of that ox... Cute, fluffy, pink shimmering, albino ox... It reached that really great state at around November/December 2015. "Why on earth would you want to go back!?" I don´t want to Leo... I just AM back. You know, maybe the crazy, stung, drunk monkey had a relapse? It never knows if Its behavior is because it is crazy OR stung OR drunk... At school I once asked this teacher how it is possible that conjoined twins have so different personalities when they have pretty much the same input to form them. She said that we all just play roles in life. Blew my mind back then... I tried to think critical about this but it appears to be true-at least to some extent. I am a creator of art and knowledge and many other things already but I can´t keep being all over the place. Everything is interesting because everything is in this same cup. I keep diving through extremes. I never know and do enough but I want peace.

@A way to Actualize this is incredibly inspiring. You definitely saw some more than just "a few hairs on the ox tail". I dunno... Reading this made me happy. Even though I wonder if this state will be permanent.

7489 Just finished today´s meditation. Used the "do nothing" technique this time. Time passed by quickly. Could have continued for longer. This whole body-mind thing is really interesting... There was this tingle sensation but this "inside tingle". It asked Itself what that even is. Turns out this was in straight relation with the stress that comes with the urge to stick with today´s plan. Now, this tingle once It became more aware of it went straight up to the nose, like that the immune system was having this response to these... Thoughts? Well more like subconscious expectations of Itself. Sneezed twice or so and then It was maybe not in bliss but at least somewhat relaxed and centered... Interestingly when It sits down to meditate all kinds of discomforting thoughts don´t come up that much and when they do they don´t cause so much resistance, it is as if they don´t even belong to Itself-kinda surreal. Yesterday was good. Stayed around 7 hours at uni, small breaks... The first hours passed quickly then concentration levels started dropping. It is proud anyways. But one day does not make a habit... So let´s not become too euphoric here. Quite amazing how much time one could spend studying and practicing the material of Leo´s videos. There is so much potential and juicy, useful, qualitative information in there. Reading questions and answers in the forum contributes only a tiny bit in comparison to listening to these. The longer It thinks about this the more It realizes that only because of trying a little here and there to act upon these concepts nothing too great will happen. This is hard work actually if done correctly. Now if a human wants then whatever would normally be just pain is not perceived as such because it is passion. It has one of Its really thoughty phases again. Got almost hit by a car yesterday. Not because It did not see it but because It just continued walking after a glimpse. Guess that is far from "in the moment" but better than an all cloudy mind. At least it is able to concentrate at SOME-thing. As for the clarification of what It wants to create... Still unspecific. Might work on that later again. That´s it. "See" you tomorrow. -(° °)-

7488 OK, It had to change the journals name because (° °) is not allowed-only English characters. "Sonder" is one of Its favorite words... (The realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—...http://www.dictionaryofobscuresorrows.com/post/23536922667/sonder) To today´s meditation... Started with mindfulness but ended up doing simple thought observing/releasing. It went much better than two days ago when It was at the Danube. Though that is weird because usually rivers/flowing water help It a lot to get concentrated. It can´t help it but Its guts feel bad. It wants to drop this habit of eating cooked food one hour before sleeping... It fell asleep while siting in bed yesterday because if It lays in there it has happened that Its stomach rebels so much that It has to through up. The guts are a second brain, according to Tony Wright at least. return to the brain of Eden . It has watched some talks of him at the Woodstock Fruit Festival on YouTube. Might read his book one day... Yesterday It stayed home and started asking what It wants to create in life. As a child It did not dream upon any specific future but it has been quite early that It took the decision to become wise one day. A couple of years after that It took the decision that It wanted to become a best ager and centenarian. Now, these are some goals that impact your whole life but they do not really answer the question of what one will create and make a living of. Writing this all down takes a lot of time so let´s just leave this with the fact that It created a list of goals fitted on each decade- far from perfect and...well... no- It will never understand how humans get bored on this earth. As for the near future... Things are pretty clear. It knows what has to be done. Now, if humans are what they do in average every day and if one took 7487 as an average day then... Then there is a lot to do... Which is NOT studying great people, getting inspired and dreaming away time, philosophizing about water or something else or listening to music or dancing but simply going to that quite place called library and write that essay. Sometimes It wishes all books were audio or e-books or even better: videos on YouTube. That´s It/it (hi future self from tomorrow...how was 7488?) -(° °)-

@Extreme Z7 Thank you. That is encouraging. Don´t get carried away by too much YouTube again! Good luck.

@Leo Gura Me neither... That´s why I´m planning to live in an egg shaped self sustaining capsule that fits in a container. (You might want or need to change location from time to time). Has a few advantages over the cabin... https://www.ecocapsule.sk/ Just sayn´...

@wasabelll Chimp zoo dancing or home dancing... Key is: 1. body awareness. Maybe you want to have a look at movement in general before you learn to dance. I recommend you have a look at Ido Portal movement practice. As you said by yourself: "Moving your body is healthy" 2. creativity. The difference between a boring dancer and a really good dancer is patterns. It does not matter if get out of rhythm from time to time, what matters is combining and having a variety and flow of movements. 3. DO NOT GO TO A DANCING SCHOOL. Costs money and is all about that creativity killing one, two, three learn the choreo because the show is in three months kinda thing. Watch some inspiring movies and youtube vids instead, try out their different styles and find your own. Oh and work with a mirror... Yes and no. You see... The chimp zoo is a place where chimps are all about masks, roles and games. I don´t recommend it for searching for qualitative relationships because these need honesty and communication (pretty loud in there+ body language is not enough...) What I wanted to say is that paradoxically the less you will give a fuck about attracting women there the more the chances are that you will. Dancers are more attractive than non dancers because they signalize that they take a risk and make themselves vulnerable, they are confident to express themselves, they are creative (better sex and problem solving) and usually in better shape. Dancers that don´t give a fuck are more attractive than dancers that give a fuck. Why? Dancers that do not give a fuck dance because they like it and not because they try to please someone because of their insecure inside that wants to get something out of it (and yes people can sense that even if they are drunk). You can of course become one of those guys that show off and are good in covering that insecurity but that would just make you more of a good liar. You see where I am trying to go with this... Dancing has a hell lot of benefits and I think it is great for self development BUT it can´t change too much of how you feel about yourself which is actually really matters. For that you need to let go of some false beliefs you have. Search them- get them out of the system and if you then go outside in the world with that healthy mindset other people with healthy mindsets will just fly in automatically.

@Study Oh man... There are so many things I could say about dancing... I do freestyle myself for years now. Let me give you one suggestion... Read or listen to The Witch Of Portobello by Paulo Coelho. I also want to add something... Dancing is great and expression is great BUT you can´t dance feelings away, just like you can´t eat, run or smoke them away. So... Keep calm, meditate and dance.

@Neuroticon Today is day 7472 since I´m out of the womb. I count the days, like you suggested, I started a couple of months ago actually with this habit and for me it´s been an effective reminder for gratitude and change. I did not calculate how many days would be left if I´d die with 75 or 80 or whatever age would be the most likely for me. I just write the number of the day next to the date, every day. I realized that there are two mistakes you can make: Wonder too much about what you did all the days before (and don´t get me wrong, I learned a lot through analyzing the past) but after some time you will see that what you wrote is 7472 and that´s all you got... Same goes for the future which you can only influence through focusing on 7472 and yes you can plan it and visualize it but these things have to happen NOW, today... Fridays, Mondays, Januaries, Februaries... They all come and go but day 7472 will NEVER come again. Ever. That´s kinda scary (and if the day was bad it´s also kinda releasing ). So, yes Neuroticon, this is a perspective change. Value the present day unit (you don´t need to use one earth spin you can really use whatever unit you like and I guess once we get better at consciousness our units will become smaller but hey that is only theory) and forget about how much is left (in the end it´s the quality and not the quantity that matters). Hope that was helpful... Enjoy your day.

Regensburg. Wie wär´s mit ´ner fb Gruppe?

Self actualizing makes you run short on excuses not to solve problems. This does not only apply to my own problems. I could give away what I learnt and help others. I feel as if knowing all this is also putting me into a place where I SHOULD do something more because I simply COULD do. So... Does anyone feel the same? How do you deal with this responsibility that comes with simply knowing or even knowing "better"?

If you study quarks or colors or phonemes or carpets or numbers... No matter what you study, that something might not bring you any closer to the truth at all. How do I keep being passionate and motivated while expanding my knowledge graph on something that will enable me to pay my bills so that I can enjoy the fulfillment of my work AND live a life of a certain quality, while keeping in the back of my head that what I do on a daily basis is just swimming in the matrix. How can I convince myself that going along with the system in this case is better in the long term than meditating 24 hours a day so to speak? If we go with the Emotional Quote both ways can supply me/it (the brain) with positive feelings and both are hard work. Does society benefit more of an individual that commits to career and success or of someone who searches the authentic self, wants to be enlightened and cares about the truth? Does by the way my success predict if I will influence any growth, except of my own, at all?

Thank you for these answers. After chewing on this I solved some of my thought entanglement here. Leo´s latest video was helpful as well.

I have thought about this as well. I did the experiment and cut it out for some time. Getting intrinsic motivation and facing the silence or only my voice and thoughts was somewhat hard at the start but this allowed me to (as you say with your example of listening in nature) become more aware. I started however to listen to music again but mindfully. I try to use it as a tool to concentrate, or to relax, or to visualize and well... Yes, when I want to get my head completely clear I turn it off. I do as well shift more and more to music without lyrics and try to avoid the cheap pop culture songs that are all about the same topics and postulate co-dependence and neurotic behaviors. Is it alright to be "addicted" to a TOOL that improves your life? Just make sure you fully understand this tool so that it can´t overthrown you and maybe one day you will find alternatives to replace this with another perspective, like the user Chimp in the comment above: Is that a goal?