Anna Konstantaki

Life gives you great options...

Do you agree with Varoufakis for example who said that the Greeks are kind of the blacks of Europe?

7500 (° °)

Now, I know what I left out of the equation. I did not pay enough attention to the emotions. I need to focus much more on how I want to feel instead of what I want to accomplish. Emotions are the real goal. Another thing I thought I am not doing anymore is multitasking but I think I am still multitasking but on another level. I should really choose one and only one thing I want to develop at a time. That is such a hard thing to do... My strenth is that I am patient but my weakness is that I want it all, I want to train it all. I do not make enough plans because I think I won´t stick to them anyways or things will turn out completely different, as always- Huge mistake. Weird because I recognized this mistake before but I have still not fixed it. My worst pattern: Expect too much> trying to keep up with all I want to do> ignoring emotions> numbing emotions> needing kicks because of feeling numb> risky behaviors> breakdown> depression> hiding> being a failed wreck The good news is that I have made the progress so that when I reach the stage of numbing the alarm goes on and I step back. The bad news is that this whole thing is wrong from the route. I need to accept the baby steps and might even need help beyond actualized.org and inner work. If I do not master my psychology there is absolutely NO way I will EVER go beyond the level of development I am now. These are some huge mistakes but hey, no master ever fell from the sky... ---------wrap up-------- BABY STEPS master one thing at a time EMOTIONS, emotions, emotions... WHY? micro vs. macro PLAN, plan, plan... Ok, that´s it for 7499. See you on the 7500th day of my life. -(^ ^)-

7499 Even though I did my meditation yesterday, worked for college (not as much as I intended), moved, ate healthy and gave myself free time I did not feel satisfied. I re-listened to the dreamkillers audio to realize that I am still stuck in being afraid to fail and feeling as if the world will end if that happens. I see myself using actualized.org more and more as a distraction so from now on I want to read a little in here after writing the journal and then not check for the rest of the day. I feel really happy that I found this community here. This place gives food to my higher self. The clarification for my vision for life is a slow process but things start to crystalize out. The more I dive into spirituality the less I want to be one of the people who mistake the map for the territory, even though these people get success and status etc. Of course I want to keep working on my intelligence but the way I see the whole picture is shifting. I do also feel good about being this kind of artistic person that I had learnt to hide over time. As for meditation I have no problem with bad sessions- I was expecting that. Work ethics? That was number one on the list but if it is about college work then this is what I have worked on the least. But I know what my mistake here was and how I can fix it. I thought I can cut out the time I spend on the internet and replace that with self development study, I though I can cut out my mornings of stretching and time to listen to music to write the journal and meditate. But this was too radical. So we change the strategy. A bit of everything in order to feel good even if that means failing or not accomplishing all I wanted. I did that yesterday but instead of making me feel better it made me feel worse. So I need to change the strategy again with thinking of the worst case scenario and pushing myself more in the moment I want to leave my number one priority. Actually, I need to do inner work. I am probably not motivated enough to stay on track as much as needed. I think once the big picture where every little day is leading to, will be established, it is then that I will go about my days and stick to my plans. This brings me to the next problem, namely that the big picture manifestation has to wait, meaning that the life purpose course has to. I am afraid that I am putting too much hope on this. I need to start thinking of how this works on my own. Now, beating Leo with his own weapons is kind of ridiculous because the course material has nothing but titles that might give an insight about the content which was formed by years upon years of study my little brain can´t just replace with some logical thinking... This is nonsense. I guess the real question I need to ask myself is: Do you really want this? This life, chances, future, knowledge, abilities etc. If yes, then why and why on earth are you not working on that?

Wasn´t this just a mindset he was talking about? You can still make models and improove your life through them. Apply rationality but keep in mind that it is just a construction of the human mind. Don´t base your goals and values completely on a rational view on life and lifestyle. That is how I undestood it.

7498 a couple of things about me... Before going vegan I thought if I go vegan I can do anything, before studying abroad I thought if I can make it somewhere else than where I already know the culture and language I can make it anywhere. Can I do anything now? I don´t really know. Maybe I need another somewhat bigger challenge... I skyped with my bro yesterday, he just turned 22. My mother was also there for a while and said it was about time I should visit home again. I miss some friends I have there... Maybe I should have mentioned that from the beginning- I grew up on the greek island of Rhodes and went to Germany a little before my 18th birthday. I have 2 nationalities and grew up bilingual. I went to the greek public school and took german lessons on afternoons to accomplish recognized language tests. Just a couple of days ago I found out that the gravitational waves were discovered on 14.09.15, that is when I turned 20. plans changing all the time+ freedom The plans for the near and far future I have, no matter how great or not they are, scare me. I don´t like the thought in my head that things are set. I am addicted to the white canvas, the superposition where everything is still possible. I guess I am just afraid to make wrong choices. Then there is the fact that life is damn unpredictable of course and I can prepare as much as I want for things, in the end there is no guaranty for abso-fruitly nothing. more stuff about me... In my childhood and my teens I was not much of a reader. I have made a lot of people think I read a lot of books but that is not true. I had this friend whose mother was a teacher and therefore she had some good literature at home. I´d borrow something from her here and then. Back in time the TV was taking up a lot of my time. When the TV was off I wanted to do something active because school and work for school was as well only sitting around. Sometimes I feel like domesticating myself. I ask myself if I really need all this information I am getting and where on earth my urge to explore and get out went. I used to live adventures with my best friend. I think back to being alone at that place where you can pretty much just swimm to near a beach close to my dads house. I am floating on the watersurface doing nothing. I hear my breath and the ocean. That was freedom. Or climbing and jumping from rock cliffs or walking barefoot in the middle of nowhere and the list goes on. My prison is self made though. But I can´t live a life playing Pocahontas. That would not help me or anyone else. ...(° °)...

Hmm... Well I have no big problem with complete strangers, moreso I get into phases where I want to hide from people I actually know even if just from seeing... I once watched a video, I think it was from Noah Elkrief where he said: Nothing means anything about you. That mindset helped me. I do also have this other approach... I try to shine my little light into the world. Meaning that I try to give positivity to the people I interact with or randomly pass by. I think that when you are compassionate and nice most people somehow appreciate it and if not, I myself do at least know that I left the door with good intentions. I also tell myself that when someone happens to look at me like angry or jealous or annoyed or whatever that these people are just in pain and I should not judge them or change my mood because of that. The problem with this is that I kind of hesitate to go outside when I have bad days. Hmm... So this is terrible advice. I guess I just learned that people like you when you are fine, when you are perfect so to speak... Then there is this thing that people do not notice much and do forget a lot and that I can´t stop BEING because of them, because they might not like me... I have a right to walk through the world just like they do... I don´t know. I am bad at this... As I said, especially if it is about people where I need to have a certain image and I know how to give it to them. I have been procrastinating going to one of my professors offices for about a month now (pure anxiety) and I avoid going to the same supermarkets or stuff members to pay for my food. It is reallly ridiculous... I gather information about everyone and everything, I remember who had a scratch on their hand a week, month, year ago... I can´t help it. This always puts me into anxiety that someone might be doing the same but with bad intentions or absolute assumptions. When I feel good about my life and myself, I have no anxiety.

I know I said see you soon but I did not think it would be that soon. During meditation I saw all these thoughts about school and teachers and death and that old classmate I just read that died. For one year we were even sitting at the very same desk but that was back at my very introvert times so we never got to know each other that much. She was always somewhat fatique I remember. We got along well. She did not live far from me and once she was taken by the ambulance because she had an epileptic episode. On facebook someone wrote she heard she died from a twisted tounge. So yes... Count one plus one... This is insane, I mean she was just 21 years old. Her lifestyle was not the healthiest too but damn... What are these lives? Nothing. When I was a child I thought a lot about death... Back then I did not know that people don´t die from old age but from disease and injury. I kind of thought that getting old does also mean getting sick. Anyways, this is irrelevant to my self development. I could basically start sharing my life story now because thinking back triggers a million thoughts. I just want to dream that one day self actualization will be incorporated in the educational system. Society would profit from that... Now let´s be grateful for life and move on. ,(° °)-

7497 Super late today but it is Sunday and Leo released a new video. I have seen a lot of arrogant super rational people in my life but I know that these post rationals Leo talks about exist as well and yes, the world needs those so badly. There are these channels on youtube like Martimer81 and Coolhardlogic who make fun of pseudoscientific claims of other channels but they are exactly that kind of people where you can see that they have something miserable about them. They do a great job uncovering irrationalism but they are too stuck in their rationalism. I like science and I get inspired by scientists but their photos are no longer on my walls... When I saw that I can´t go along with people who don´t appeal to logic but then also saw that I do not fit with people who need reasons and explanations for everything I got in this kind of identity crisis. That really messed me up. I did not know what to believe anymore. When I listened to Leo talking about awareness the first time, I felt like that I found something that might give me a solution to this problem. Now I see how the dots have to be connected. "Illusion to study illusion". I am having trouble to motivate myself to keep learning about scientific concepts when I think that way. "Go into the matrix to talk to you". That is why I set the question of how I do convince myself that if I keep going to uni and gather skills for applications and jobs is better than working on awareness. Except of the fact that I need to prepare myself for somehow sustaining my life costs, I had the allegory of the cave in mind... I can´t let the other prisoners in there... I need to go back and free them. How? I go back into the matrix. Communicate through it. That kind of splits me every day. I know I can let go of my hunger for "understanding" the world with my mind but then I will be alien to the most and unable to appeal to the ones who look at great minds like gods and use science as a dogma. Last semester I was asked what I am studying and I answered linguistics/language science and you? That guy said: I study physics. You know... REAL science. He had no clue what linguistics are and that is fine but he really thought he was something better, he really thought that he is doing something that makes sense and is of real value. For him, even though I could reason and think, I was already a nobody after maybe five minutes of small talk. Now lets go meditate and see you soon. -(° °)-

I know that some folks here might know one or even be one yourselves. I guess you master... Zen? How do you do that and what is that exactly?

Same here. But I never had the guts to send or give them to them. As for the yelling and anger I told (my mother in this case) very calmly that she will either talk to me with respect and politeness like I do or I will leave the conversation and I kind of made it clear to her that she will loose the contact to me if she continues like that. She needed some time untill showing signs that she accepts reality and did wrong but now she goes into escaping the full confrontation. I have had dreams as well but I do not have any anymore. I think you are on a good way.

@Ludwig Ok, I understand. It is/becomes a life long practise that is not bound to a particular time, people, places or specific activities.

@Ludwig Sounds terribly hard and terribly rewarding. Is there some kind of community around this? I mean... Do you meet up for your meditations? Because I have heard of meditation circles on Hawaii where people do these extremely long 24/7 sessions... +You "sound" really peaceful.

Failing increases the probability to succeed next time> Failing=good + You need that baby steps. Keep going

@misko55 Hört sich gut an. Weiter so!

Don´t get that of the list. Meh... You can´t bull your way through success. You need to give some time to all aspects of yourself. Even the ones that want to play games. I restricted myself on videos for example and ended up "binging in" some stupid asian comedy stuff. You know... I kind of knew it would happen... I used to make plans like yours and watch myself fail them. I start to see that even when I think I am not radical and I can do it, I fall back. So yea, install them and... Cut down slowly. I think this is like with drugaddicts, if they are put of their drug entirely they might die from "turkey", so they are given smaller and smaller doses and then gradually replace them with something else. What will be your replacement?

Same here... I think that if we just keep writing and trying to apply Leo´s teachings one day we might not recognize ourselves anymore in how we used to think/write or read old posts and laugh about them. It is a long journey though... The thing is to make it a habit. I am trying to write something and check my goals every day, even if I do not really have much to say (that would be super relevant). I had the same thought recently. On the one hand what I am doing right now is not bad but it is not the real thing. We need to take advantage of our spare time now to prepare actions and strategies for afterwards, otherwise I am afraid that we will end up just as unsatisfied as we are now...

7496 Started sleeping on matts again. (Yes, I do have a bed). My new notebook is refusing to start. I did not do anything. I know it was cheap but break down after a couple of days? Gratitude... Yea, how far am I suppost to take this? At least I have good mood. I was singing "you are my sunshine, my only sunshine" while walking here. Maybe this place is better because at least here are no distractions... Meditation went fine. I don´t know if I am doing overall better or worse in life. -Bye. -(° °)-

@Iulia Hi Iulia. Here is what I do: Accept my pain, disappointment etc. about it. Visualize their entire lives. Make sense of their doing, make up their psychographs. View them as children and grown up children. Feel their pain (they passed onto you). Deside to break the circle. If possible, forgive. For me forgiving happened in one big chunk and now there are smaller parts following. I know that one day I will have to have some conversations with them but this day has not come yet. (I am preparing though). I see the impact they had on my life all the time, that is why forgiving is something I have to do over and over again. This is just what I do, but it has helped me so far... (Keep in mind that I come from a different background though).

7495 No more " airy-fairy" stuff. In don´t have time for the course now. I have integrated it into my future plans though. For the next months I will be just working on my habits and stay on track with the videos. Meditation: Started well, went into a dip, almost fell asleep but finished fine. Words are cheap+ see you next time. -(° °)-

7494 (after Meditation) I could end up on the streets, world war 3 might happen, I could die tomorrow but I AM HERE, I am here and NOTHING else matters now. I am HERE in the moment. It is just endless bliss, it is just gratitude for BEING, it is just words, pouring out of me, describing this beauty. The places pass INTO my head THROUGH my eyes and right there, inside of me they ARE, we make the world look good or bad but the world just IS. What success, what strategy, what goals-I am high as ****, I am everything, everywhere, everyone, omnipresent and nothing at the same time. This whole thing is so counterintuitive and so complex and so hard to articulate. All I want is this. This state all the time but I know I will fall again. I will forget. I will judge, I will think, I will lie, I will feel hate and anger and fear and dispare and I will have to move through them. I know that this journey is a lot harder than I thought. When I started with this journey I told my brother that my whole life I have been seeing things through a dusty window, now I opened the window and the bright, is brighter, the green is greender, the dark is darker... All the shades man, just so clear, right there, popping up into my face. Look at those trees... Upside down lungs or dendrites or veins, arteries, bloodvessels, look at this complexity, look! Look at the fibonaci spirals forming this stimulating flower, this mathematical precision. All given. Right there, in front of your eyes to see. Time and space bend... Albert was a poet. Words of passion. And light... Electricity in me in you, beneath my god damn fingers, inside this technological wonder I am tipping on... All this passion from my friends Nicola, Steve and Bill and dozens of others that were extraordinary and changed the world. How can´t you soak it all in? All there is to know about the possibilities of this world? How can´t you want to be a Tessla? How can´t you start researching on your own like a Goethe? How can´t you get inspired? How? How on earth can you be so blind? What madonna- whore effect, what halos? Let the teachers feel, let the students feel, let people feel something. Let me get turned on by reading about thermodynamics or listening to waterfalls, let me be weird. John Lenon was a wise man: LET IT BE. The only way to take the trash out of YOUR HEAD. Do you know what these prodigies had in common? I will tell you... They just were. They just did. They just LOVED. Oh man they just loved every single headache when they worked untill exhaustion. Do you know what real masochism is? Getting closer to death while doing what you love. I sound crazy? Crazy? An ADJECTIVE?! Do you really think I will stop because of an adjective? I am making myself vulnerable-absolutely vulnerable. I am giving away my thoughts, I am giving away my dreams, I am giving away my emotions, my weaknesses, my strenths, my name, my age and where I live. All one by one. For me the fear is over. I am in peace now and I am very human and I might regret doing this one day but I want to give truth, to ME. I won´t make any distinctions between ME and the others. I AM the others in a way. In January I met a man on a 7 hour Flixbus ride, he said: Let me tell you a secret Anna... Everything in life comes in circles. How right he is. "God bless" that man. I don´t have a microscop to look at the telemeres at the end of my chromosomes, I don´t know how long I will live. But when I feel this. This thing right now then I feel eternal. That´s all I wanted to add. -(* *)-

7494 It´s been one week now that I started the Journal. I started Scratching the Surface of the self deception mechanisms of my tricky mind. Story telling physical symptoms distractions, addictions, excuses-bad Habits as rewards or "exceptions" too much bla, bla-overthinking, irrelevant things dreaming instead of proper visualizing saying I should not take life too serious and not stress myself out This brain loves homeostasis more than satisfactions endorphines and gaining new abilities, connecting Neurons and adapting... You faulty, faulty wallnut, you. It´s 2016. Evolution... (sigh). I am not doing my Job. It is as simple as that. When I don´t do my Job I feel stressed, anxious, guilty... I don´t want to fail and I know that I can´t blame the circumstances for the results in my life, because I COULD have prepared and not just reacted. I am still a reactor but People who just react have lost this opportunity for real growth already. A few other inneficient Things I do: I do not always bring my thoughts to an end. When I do, I don´t write the conclusions down and often just Forget them after a while. Not reading enough in my notes. I made a list of People and traits they have or had, which inspire me but it ain´t complete. (Will it ever?) Yesterday I took some time to feel, to really feel my Feelings. I forgave myself for the thousand time and decided not to make any promises anymore that I just can´t Keep. I discovered that I was not Meeting my Need for Feeling safety, as well as that I changed my perspective so profoundly that the very same thoughts or memories that used to give me joy, now cause discomfort and resistance. Even though my creativity and combinational mind is useful in both the arts and the sciences, I still feel that I can´t give enough room to both aspects of myself while growing. I have been saying that the arts will just be my powerful Hobbies and now, that my spare time goes to self actualization there is this gap about that my inner child is terribly complaining. The percentage of the time I put into my academic work is low. I can´t have it both ways. Mastery does not function this way. Since Little I felt that I do not have time and that I was running and somehow never reaching but a couple of years ago I started taking it even though I had None, not for the Things I did (outside of my responsibilities)... I knew this would have consequences but since about a year ago I started to see that my Intuition was not that bad at all. I can handle any Situation life throws at me. I can handle any Situation life throws at me. I can handle any Situation life throws at me. I can handle Situation life throws at me. I can handle any Situation life throws-at-me. Emotions: All my life I have been learning how to fight them, now, only now I am starting to learn how to surrender. One Phrase that I had forgotten but that changed my life and worldview when I was in my Teens (20 now) was something like this: " We can learn and re-learn anything-even love". (Leo Buscaglia-not sure if he is spelled that way). Every single day I have to ask myself: Do you want one marshmallow now, or two marshmallows later? What is easy? Nothing that gives us something of real value is easy. It is not my visual Memory that is bad, it is my emotional. I have been wondering around in the Palace and lost the oil in the spoon. Most of us have. Just like Santiago from Paulo Coelho´s The Alchemist... But I have faith, for me and for all of us. That´s it folks. I will do my Meditation now. See you soon. .(° ^)+

@misko55 Why 24th June? Did you pick that randomly or is there are a reason for this?

7493 All other Options sucked, so It went for the quick fix and bought a new Notebook. Meditation went sleepy but if It does not accomplish it in the Mornings, then It might not at all. It Needs to buy this life purpose Course, there is no way around that... But Money? It could work in summer break. It´s been almost 2 years since the last time It flew home. If It wants to work then It should stay in Germany. But It is afraid to go home anyways. Working is definitely the better choice. The question will always be about time and Money. If you are poor and if you want to do fundamental changes, solve Problems from the root, then you have to make the choice and start at some Domain in life, hoping that untill you can fix the others, they won´t, like Leo likes to put it, "bite you in the ass". It is filled with such gratitude though. It is alive! Maybe It should not trust the opinion of a former drug dealer who made a bussiness with his best friend at age 15, made enough Money to travel the world and is currently studying pharmacy... It does not know if this was self deception or actually a wise choice. Maybe "escape sleep" is really a Thing. As you can see, there is no real Progress here, just thoughts and surviving but where is will, there is a way. See ya. -(° °)-