Anna Konstantaki

7518 No entry on 7517? What happened? Well, a friend texted me on facebook that she is in town and since I wanted to get some fresh air we ended up going for a walk together... We spent 6 and a half hours mostly walking around the river, sitting down talking (mostly about our lives, life itself, plans, society and uni) and then at stores to find her a new bike pump, a present for one of my friends birthday and minor stuff like that. I don´t think evaluating the day makes much sense... I mean even nutrition would just get 3 of five because I absofruitly had to try the new vegan jelly brand from bears and friends... And stuff my face with it... I have to say though that I came home with mixed feelings... On the one hand it was good to have opened up to someone, seeing where I was and where I am as well as seeing to what struggles she could relate and which not (she is one of the people I met just about 1 and 1/2 years ago and I have never hanged out with her alone) and on the other hand I felt like I was digging through old stories and stuff I wanted to leave behind like the ego itself only to be able to give a somewhat accurate explanation of who I am and why I am here, doing what I am doing. Well that was the majority of 7517, the rest was cleaning my place, watching some college geek, listening to music, reading a few pages, throwing away stuff I do no more need, cooking... just ordinary life... new goal: find the perfect technique(s) Weehoo-new video The tactic he talked about is really applicable to all audiences and any domain... Yet so simple... Good old smartass Gura... Now, if we look at my own life then I´d say I have already commited to work on self actualization each day by checking into the forum and watching and re-watching videos... That is set, it´s going and fine but with it come all the sub domains like meditation and my studying, reading etc... The things I am working on at the moment bring me to the limit of my reserves so I will either have to combine some things like social life with the rest of what I am doing or become a huge nay sayer to stick to my plans. Actually no, it´s not that black and white... I guess I can work on several domains each week without cutting all other things that life brings with it if I prepare properly...I guess the hardest parts are keeping the intention every day, finding the fitting technique and writing it down so that it will not be forgotten. So how do I keep the domains intention and reset it every day? Reminders and motivation I guess? By having found the fitting technique I guess, which makes me happy I guess because if it fits it works and if it works I am happy I guess... Ok, Ok... Mmm... So what I have to do now is write down all the stuff that ever worked for me I guess and craft that together... So you say I work on technique perfection? Am I not doing that already? Yes but now you are aware of it and the process and how it fits in the tactic and therefore more motivated and you have a name for this activity in case you have to explain it to someone? Ok, ok, I get it... I guess I´ll go back to work now... I´ll check in later again.

Honestly, I think you are not interested in relationships because you need them to contribute to your goals and learning and it is quite hard to find people who are good friends and teachers of something of value or at least learners like you... I guess that I don´t have to tell you that you´re smart but not seeing the point in relationships is usually a characteristic of overly intelligent people. You wonder how people will react... Well I am reacting positive. You worry about your drawing skills being perceived as childish, I worry about my dancing skills getting rusty and even Leo says he still goes through doudts about the things he does. Sexuality? Well, we are here with our names in a public forum and I guess some privacy is allowed... That story with your nose reminds me of my mother taking me to the public hospital for a tooth problem I had and that doctor drilled in there with no anesthesia... I guess it´s just fine that you want proper help than the cheap one. Seriously, this list makes you somewhat relatable and takes away this image of the perfect self development prig.

7516 productivity : day was focused on other kinds of tasks preparation: did A LOT of planning creativity: not that I had none but there was not much time for it nutrition: exercise: reading: I should start counting pages meditation: * satisfaction: I wanted to get done more nature: exception-I bet most days this one will get maybe one or two smileys... I added "nature" as you can see... Thought it is a part of "concentration of force" in a single days strategy... *I went to a place near where I lived in my first college year... I was really excited to go to one of my favorite places from back then... And see my tree friend under which I once meditated about a year ago (I was not inspired by Budha or something, I knew almost nothing about that stuff back then-just wanted to try some since Leo had recommended it so badly) and what did I find? They cut it down!!!! My tree! They just cut it down!!! It was not bothering anyone at that spot-what where they thinking?! From all that trees to cut down my friend... Shame on them... I can really get sad about stupid things like this but... Rest in peace my tree... I hope that at least my tree friends on Rhodes are still fine... However... I sat down and remained very motionless... VERY motionless... Now, this spot is where two rivers flow into one, it is like a triangles top surrounded by water. So, I was motionless and staring at the water untill this white swan appeared swimming from my right side to the left. It was very close and it looked SO white because the weather was SO grey... Well, and I could not resist and turned as it was swimming out of my sight. Life is really full of distractions I thought but some distractions are so pretty, I guess they´re worth it... Anyways... I am going to brush my teeth now... Have great day or night or meal or somethin´... ciao -(^ ^)-

7515 productivity : preparation: creativity: nutrition: exercise: reading: meditation: not yet satisfaction: (^ ^)

A really good general does also know how to surrender in some occasions but if it makes you happy... Interesting approach however. I wish you all best to win the battle.

7514 Yesterday was good... I went slacklinig with some friends, told them about the forum and what I am trying to do. I found this youtube channel and website for college students who want to improve themselves by Thomas Frank. It is designed in a similar way like actualized.org. I will be focusing a lot on it for the next days. By the way... I know that some entries have some bad english but keep in mind that I am not a native speaker. On the one hand nobody likes having nightmares and on the other hand I am glad to have nightmares because they stop me from oversleeping... I think I am taking this whole thing way to serious. Every day I am thinking about self development and what I will do in the years ahead. It gets hard not to overjudge myself and expect some kind of masterplan. I really need to stop mistaking all the "training" that lifes gives me as failure. It is like expecting a baby to start walking right away without falling a couple of hundred times. I have a friend who dropped out of college because of that. He could not accept mistakes and procrastinated his work untill there was no reverse. His parents expected him to be perfect from day one. Isn´t it insane how many people are suffering because of having been bullshited for years and years and do not even know it? I am making a goals list today with goals of all kinds... I will be doing a ton of other stuff as well but I don´t think that I need to write an epos in here. Besides that, I am hungry...

7513 living the PARADOX So I did my no I-no It challenge in my head last night... It is like doing a bad translation of the language of ego into the language of happening... From ecstatic happiness to heat rushes and thought-bombs the night that passed was over... Maybe 2 deep hours of sleep-after that I could have run a marathon. Instead I kind of tortured myself by staying in bed untill I got sleepy again... The good news is that I know what to do. I can´t avoid prostituting my mind if I don´t want to be homeless, I can´t avoid dirty feet walking in my head and I can´t avoid all suffering but I can avoid living for those things. So I will be doing all the things "I" like and "I" don´t like at all but I will never again try to trick me into thinking that I Iove or need any of what I do. Interestingly, logic would expect me to feel as if then it is all pointless. It IS pointless but by coming back to the spiritual side of life every day, they are... How can I say it... A refreshing distraction, a little game alongside all the heavy being... Logic would say now that then there can not be any success but logic leaves out the ability to give things completely new meanings, to change the semantics of what we do. Isn´t it the journey that makes us happy (if we allow it)? I thought I can´t do contradicting things but I have been saying and doing contradicting things my whole life. I will be part of the matrix untill I will be able to sustain my life without it. I will use the ego to dissolve the ego. I will use the matrix to get out of it. So nothing changes? It all stays the same? Everything changes. Absolutely everything changes ...and nothing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(° °)-(° °)-(° °)-(° °)-(° °)-(° °)-(° °)-(° °)~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I love 7512... answers FROM THE PAST- looking back to look forward ...Reading old stuff to see false beliefs, old perspectives and maybe find some grains of truth... This false belief has led to bad strategy. Evaluating sources of joy in the past, the most spiritual part always revealed itself in nature and connection. Furthermore spirituality diserves being the very first and very prioritized goal, even if it does not seem so. Thinking on a macro scale more benefits in ALL domains come with spiritual practise than with any other. Words have been spoken that were there already... 28.12.2015 (7393) It was privileged to experience a higher state again. The grass was reflecting nuances of blue and violet today and that one tree with the orange branshes hanging down like hair... [...] The water is overlaping movements creating a system that looks chaotic though it is just simply a pendling back and forth, just waves and borders, just wider becoming patterns immerging in one blurriness that still appears to be so harmonic in the whole and hypnotizing while reflecting the suns light that one can´t stop wondering and starring. The colours are intense and diverse and the trees are structures made out of the material of the ground but still they are so complex and so majestic in their hight, so unique in their detail and uncomparable with the buildings that out of context somehow where implanted on the ground. It has the best teachers, it has artists, it has the internet, it can see into the minds, it can grasp the ideas like no generation did ever before. In its mind dimensions open and space is created for the deeper meaning of everything it sees. The layers unravel, the painting can be played back and forth, the colours of the sky are being added one by one and the clouds can be looked at from above. The length of the bridge is measured in its spinning body and the ground is funny, hairy... Reaching out to feel, reaching out for expansion, reaching out for the sun and the air. Life that wants to live, the celebration of survival, the beauty in the wild, the spirals lining up, the symmetry, the horizontal lines, the curves, the shapes nobody can describe... It is real, it is cold it is beautiful and it wants to be touched, experienced, it wants to be understood (nature) but it (the self) does somehow want the same. So while looking at each other, one with the eyes and one with simply being there is an exchange of a different kind. If the other humans could ever feel its pleasure and innocense in that moment they would not need all the drugs, they would not need all the numbing, they would just release and feel like children again. Freedom is something people can´t buy. Feelings can´t be bought, not yet at least. Healing can´t be bought, not yet at least. The inside and the outside met today on day 7393 and became friends, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, lovers... [...] Forever weird, forever happy, forever paranoid, forever free and forever true. A second childhood is like the rainbow after the storm. We are so powerful and what do we know... Nothing. 7401 [...] One simple thing. Just some endless time alone with creation. Life all around, sounds and smells... Oneness. Sacred movement, ancient particles from the beginning of time, air that has been recycled a billion times. Beneath its feet... Everything that ever was... Above its head... All that ever will be... Inside it... Everything that ever MIGHT be. It knows nothing... But feels everything and guesses something. DEEP in it there is the truth. Look outside. Look inside and wonder. Answers are everywhere but everywhere´s a riddle. The world is complex and the layers of truth many. Beautiful... Beautiful it wispers... A smile upon its face, a tear in its eye. Nostalgia, now I know where you come from! Now I know... [...] From the light and shadows, the wood and the stone, the soil and the plants, the oxygen out of their mouths... Home is where there is a sky above and the ground beneath and nowhere else and that will never change, not as long as it lives in this body, on this planet... -27.12.15 yesterday was "the last throw up." the throw up as a symbol for all the sickness and disguisting things of the past. everything that ever made it sick. it apologised for all the pain it caused to itself. healing takes its time and healing takes feeling. puking in the green grass while kneeling in front of the setting sun, the purple, the pink, the orange, the blue painting the sky and swallowing everything else in darkness... Surrender to your feelings and nature will do what it has to... feeling to understand the pain, suffering to learn loving in the future. creation was looking down at it and it was motionless waiting for the crimes impact to pass. there is no time for more healing of self made wounds. there is no time for more numbing, there is no time to search for someone to carry the weight. it won´t have to only carry its own weight but the whole worlds weight very soon. the mission is far from completed. what is killing the humans is not the cold wind, it´s not the bacteria, not the cancer. what is killing humanity is ignorance, lies and numbing. learning to release is like learning that life before was no life at all, that it was a painfull, meaningless matrix in that no truthfull thought could survive and thrive. the biggest price the homo sapiens has to pay is its biggest gift. --------------------------------------------------------------------- -31.12.15 It is procesing things in its sleep and its sleep becomes an exhaustive state, a sistopia, not a nice place. It is seeing blood again. The invinsible wounds nobody sees start bleeding out of the blue. Only because of thought. Only because of mind time travel. It won´t bend to the silent abuse, to slowly dying! If it fails a thousand times more until this is over, if it succeds only for one day... It believes deeply that every day can be a celebration, that it could wake up every day and swing itself effortless out of the bed to start the day because it simply loves life and all its quests. It has to apologise to itself AGAIN, even if it is starting to get boring. Only love can lead somewhere in this concrete jungle. Inflamations pass, cloudy skys and entangled thoughts... The decision has been taken and there is no turning back, there is no giving up. One can either feel and be alive while living or numb and be dead already. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE NUMBER AND THE NUMBER The number won´t ever see the truth because the truth belongs to those who are willing to experience it full sense, whatever that might mean. Sometimes it means extasy and sometimes it means pain but both are valuable and beautiful and exist for a reason, for a balance. The person who numbs himself is called number. He is just a number. Not a human but a number. Numbers are numb. Why? because they can´t feel, they don´t have feelings. They are ratios, representative for something. But some... Some humans see beauty in numbers, they see their potential, abilities and uniqueness. They transform the numbers in feelings. They change the semantics of the word. So, it supposes that after all this polysemy combined, mathematitians must be empathic people with an eye for the detail and hope. Or maybe... Maybe they are just numb like their numbers and that explains why they find them so pretty. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 4.01.16 Its love is quantum, it isn´t bound to space and time. Its love is quantum. Maybe It can´t prove it, maybe they can´t see it and maybe it does not exist. It trusts just like that, it forgets, just like that. Where is it going? What is it doing? Little human... It smiles about the feeling, it smiles about the love. [...] You are convinced so very easy. Nobody can heal you, only you. You are on a mission. This is a mission. A mission beyond words. Some things have to fit on the string of time and right now, the time is not ripe yet, the mind not strong enough. It wants to give away responsibility about its inner child, to rest in a pair of hands for once, it has not done this so long that it almost can´t remember how it feels like. Is this just a trick? Is this real? [...] There they pass...the thoughts... And deep down they are so beautiful, empathic, endorphine filling... But they need to pass... Movement in the quantum world. Two particles doing the same, communicating over distance. You never know what they will do... We are already connected. The fact that we met has connected us even more. We walk around with invinsible strings and feel heavy sometimes. But once we become aware the strings become wings... It is flying now, away from this joy and this pain, because it has felt them and never understood. Now, they are quantum, like its thoughts. Release... Release... Breath... The lies are falling out of its mouth, the truth is about to appear. TOMORROW... Tomorrow said... Tomorrow... What will happen? 7431 Maybe seeing that It is fooling Itself is catharctic and terrible at the same time. [...] There is no free will. There is responsibility, planning and working and hoping and thinking. These are real but in the end... Things happen. 7440 27.01.16 Not even the creativity is its own... When all ideas and all patterns and structures that humans build reoccur in the known universe its seems like that there is a predeposition of creation as well as an innate drive to get inspired and reuse what already is, consciously or not. For texts this is intertextuality but there is no word for it for architecture, or for technology or for art. Maybe it is time to admit that the human ideas are not clearly the humans or that there is no border between nature and human. The human does very slowly as he or she evolves change the structures he or she builds in order to become as perfectly fuctionable as natures systems, which are complex but the best and only blueprint for futures technology. Nothing is Its own. It is just perception. Life passes by like a movie. A movie where in this very moment It is wearing ear buds and sitting at a table with people It does not know, that talk about things It does not know. All diplomas, jobs and things in the world... All the cars and houses and bank accounts... No... Just no... "I" will be judged. "I" will be very weird. "I" won´t be understood or liked but at least there will be freedom from all the nonsense and there will finally be peace, just peace, which is really all one could ever ask for... ...... (° °) (° °) (° °) (° °) (° °) (° °) (° °)

technically speaking it is 7512 now... I couldn´t sleep so I decided to do the self acceptance exercise. I watched the new video... Well, one weakness of the ego is that it does not like to be bullied... And we live in a society where people feel less offended when called anything but stupid and dumb... It is true though... Knowing about enlightenment and not trying to pursue it IS dumb. I am guilty of this myself... I have drifted away from my spiritual gains... I did not even list enlightenment as a goal in the beginning of the journal... I thought that I will be meditating and if a good state comes, a realization, an epiphany then may it last and be... Enlightenment reminds me of Harry Potter and the philosophers stone. You can´t get the stone if you want to use it, which kind of makes it useless- useless for the ego... "Get rid of ALL of it (all the ego)". There is this challenge I want to do... I call it the "no I-no It " challenge. Think of how many words we use every day just for the egos sake... I want to try to write as if things just happen and there is no self who does them, who feels them etc... If there is nothing there-no ego, then even adjectives and certain proper nouns get lost... All that remains is clear perception... I think... That could bring me closer to an enlightened perspective, couldn´t it? I have this old video of Leo in my head now... Where he talks about choaching and at some point he has tears in his eyes... He is really passionate about this... I trust him on what he says about enlightenment, as I trust my intuition that the time I put into it will be worth it. ~LO(^ ^)VE~

@Extreme Z7 What if I told you that the same guy claimed to be emotionaly intelligent and that he said that all he wants in life is to be happy? Leaving others aside, I decided a couple of years ago that I want to die in early spring during sunrise, preferably sitting outside but in bed with an open window would be nice as well... Now, how I want to feel before I leave is a whole new chapter...

7511 I went to the mall yesterday to buy some stuff like a new light bulb, a training pants for summer, a new block for uni... It is insane how easy the mind starts rumoring around about outfits and styles and looks and statements and all that material based crap. I also went into the bookstore and spent some time at the spirituality sector-didn´t buy anything though... We are really spoilt with all the free information on actualized.org... Gura does not care about the money-he only cares about his life purpose...We profit from some 30 year old guy in Las Vegas we barely know and all he does is make himself happy. That is so cool. So 2016. simple I am ok with 7510, I guess the worst thing was that I stayed up too long... I worked on the system... While thinking of all the stuff that can go wrong on an ordinary day I really started seeing the point of fixing one or two main things which then create positive chain reactions that kind of "fix" the day. I guess we humans have a talent to be ignorant in front of solutions that seem so SIMPLE in such a complex world. --- I once had a conversation about death with a guy...When I asked him how he wants to die, his answer slightly shocked me...He said that he wants to die in nature while having sex with a pretty and young woman and having his mouth stuffed with chocolate cake (or was it donuts?-no, he was not joking)... I bet that I do have some hedonistic approaches to life as well but people just blow my mind sometimes... How I feel? Like going 10 steps forward and then falling 15 steps back. ----loving my sins to death---- This is basic self love practise... I don´t even know why I got so upset with sticking to the acceptance exercise... It is common sense that someone who has hated herself so much in the past (who hasn´t? I can barely name you any people I personaly know that really love themselves-self hate is so common) would have big struggles taking this path. When you run on auto pilot you don´t even realise how many symptoms of guilt and frustration and self punishment you carry around... Maybe I should install cameras everywhere and track down my behavior in order to become more conscious. (° °)

day 7510 (already?!) Good morning. Do you know that days when the timer for meditation goes off and you are like: Thank god-finally! Today is one of those days... So, I started my every day brainwash for a better life and of course I have not "hacked" my own mind yet, but hey, I am getting to know myself a lot better than I used to... Looks like that taking full responsibility for longer than a couple of hours does not work. I don´t understand my ego... I mean... It knows very well that only with responsibility comes power and I know that it loves power. Nothing comes for free, you understand that? Am I talking to myself again? I should really see some human beings again and have some useless conversations-eh-I mean a great time! Yesterday I was watching the sunset and then this thought came to my mind... What if you get the life you want? That question just got me right back to the fact that it is so important to set new goals and do things for how I want to feel... It also pointed out that I am not only afraid to fail but also afraid to succeed. I have been at both sides of the scale in this life and I know that neither nor is free of pressure. The thing is that I used to do a lot of things to impress others, make myself lovable or just for competitions sake. Doing things ONLY because they will make me feel good is almost weird, is something I still have to learn to motivate myself into. Another problem I crush into is becoming vulnerable vs. being smart. On the one hand there is opening up, being honest, trusting, sharing ideas and puting myself out there and on the other hand there is protecting myself from all the critisism, being missunderstood, tricked, used etc. Maybe I get it wrong but I feel like that I either trust the world as I trust myself or I do not trust anyone and have this kind of double sided ninja presence... I don´t know but I have not figured out the balance here yet. Maybe it´s just me, who thinks I can´t do whatever fits the situation and carry around both sides but I think it makes sense to feel uncomfortable with these because they are opposite mindsets and behaviors. Ok, leaving all that aside, did you get any shit done on 7509? It took me hours to form the schedule for the next weeks by filling up my calender but it is not a system yet-it does not include backup plans and alternative days or rules, so I will definitely have to spend some time on that again. I´ll never be good at acting out if I don´t get good at preparing first, right? Looking at what I want to accomplish today, I am feeling very comfident that I will get it all done (thumbs up for realistic goals)... So let´s see... -Where are you Anna? -Here. -What time is it? -NOW Goodbye and have a great day. (° °)

7509 Oki doki... I am actually quite excited about the next weeks. Friends come back and new courses start and I will take up uni sport again... The downside are all the social events and parties I am so bad at saying no to. BECOMING BORING I decided to become more boring. There is obviously a correlation between people with boring lifes and people who make results. I have made SO many schedules in this life and it is SO hard to stick to them. I guess they were just lacking flexibility. System. Create a system and NOT a schedule. I guess I am a little too lazy to do that? I´ll work on that right now. I did not think that I was perfectionistic but... According to my self analysis I am a complete victim of trying to make up the perfect plan and preperation and not only that but also manifesting it perfectly into reality. Add some fear of failure and there you have it! The PERFECT procrastinator. The perfect recipe to make yourself perfectly miserable. I want to see myself living a life using the sedona method, doing meditation, staying conscious, practising self love, being a strategic motherfucker... I mean... I know more theory about how to make everyday life better than ever. I am not even applying a third of all the stuff I learned. I am really excited about creating a life where it is all integrated. There are not many routines in this life that have worked for me so far and I will have to think very, very intensive about how I will fit it all in. Maybe that is shooting myself in the foot? I think I can´t avoid resistance coming up anyways, with or without techniques and strategies. What I have not had before is the attitude to life and stress and values and perspectives that I have now and I have this feeling that these will make things very different from prior trials. Who am I? Not a lucky idiot or underachieving genius, neither terrible nor great, just a mediocre perfectionist.There are many perspectives in this world but some are closer to the truth than others. These are the ones I am after... What are you trying to master at the moment? Creating a realistic system that will help me stay on track with both my ordinary life and self actualization. What are the baby steps to reach this goal? I am writing it in here to put some accountability pressure on myself and I am looking at my ways of going unconcious, gathering various methods of motivation, make reminders, visualize, learn from past fails, learn from things that have already worked, powerful mindsets What are the emotions you want to get out of this? I want to feel satisfied because of working towards a life that will allow my higher self to act out its desires. I want to feel excited about creating an extraordinary life. I want to feel proud for doing the "level up" in my journey. I want to feel happy about all the hope and inspiration my success can create and how it could get others into this as well. I want to feel like taking care of myself and help myself feel able to challenge me even more without losing safety, love and cosyness. I just want to feel peaceful because I tried to give my best and do the best I can with this life. This is getting quite long... free electro hugies (° °)

This could be part of the strategy actually. There is something liberating about talking about small or big "sins" in front of a hypothetical crowd. Yesterday I was entertaining myself by watching Jenna Marbles doing "junk food confessions" while she was working out. It was funny-made her feel better and made the people watching feel better (even though I hope she inspired most of them eat healthier and work and not vise versa).

@misko55 Thank you Daniel, for this post-I guess I needed to hear that from someone black on white.

My life-In a nutshell. Only that I have already fallen back with my studies. I hope you find better balance than me.

7508 Just finished todays meditation. I think I am back on track. Have I mentioned that I would like to study cognitive neuroscience? From all the stuff I was researching in the past months I find it the most interesting because the human brain is the most complex divice found in the known universe and I think there is nothing wrong with wanting to understand it better-I mean we ARE it in a way... Of course I have not checked the prerequisites of how to get accepted at the uni I want but I know that if I finish my BA and change to a uni with a psycho/neurolinguistic department I should be able to do a master on that or take some overlapping courses and then switch. But I am not sure at all if untill then I won´t have overcome all knowledge graph expanding urges. Who knows... Maybe after taking the life purpose course I´ll do something completely else. What I should definitely do is learn more about economy and business... Even though I doudt it that I would ever climb some corporate ladder... I am really hesitating to say I have a fixed plan for life but I have come so far that looking at my notes I can say that I like mixing stuff up and right now my years are planned in a way that I do one or two things as a main focus and at the end of that period prepare myself for the next things I want to focus on but that feels already unbearable because I would always have to supress some side of me in order to have success. My spiritual side will for sure be a main theme one day in the distant future and I might dedicate whole years to it but I don´t want it to become the only thing, namely becoming a yogi or something like that is not really on the list even if all conditions would allow it. I just don´t like absolutes and labels. Everything has to be done MY way. If we judge from how little views this journal has we can conclude though that MY way is for me and very few others. If I was a musician for example I would have a really small audience. I´d rather see a little of everything before I die instead of knowing little but like the back of my hand. The problem is that world likes us specific. VERY specific. I would like to be a polymath like Micheal Stevens from Vsauce one day. I don´t know... All the people I call pioneers and geniuses (others might disagree) already exist. Things I want in my life/value: Wisdom and knowledge, freedom and independence, nature, feeling light, health, inspiration, excitement about starting the day, my few good friends, being deep... I must have an old list somewhere but this is all I can think of I someone would ask out of the blue now... Let´s leave it here for today. (° °)

7507 Ok. Uhm... I was at the river and this guy from further away shouted something and I turned around and he asked if I was about to jump in there... After some time I saw that guy again at a spot further down and he joked that he and that other man he was talking to, purposely waited at this spot if maybe they will see me going down the stream. I am not sure if he was actually conserned or just kidding or both. I read this email today from one of my professors... Ends with the sentence: "Danke für Deine humorvolle Mail (thank you for your humorous mail) ! Brightens my evening!" Too bad I will have to disappoint this nice guy who always believed in me by telling him that I did actually not finish the essay and will need a third trial (the first was before going to study abroad in the Netherlands but I did not even start it, well and the second was meant to be untill the end of this month... Pff... You know... He even invented another point counting system so that he could sign this paper for me that I need in order to continue getting money from the german government (my aunt likes to complain that I live of the taxes she pays...). And I was really motivated you know... When I knew I still had enough time to write a good one. Isn´t it ironic that I went into that office last week and when he was sorry because of "chaos", I answered: No. This is not chaotic. It is your perfectionistic mind. (Girl you got guts talking...) He thanked me (cause I was right of course and big minds think alike...I guess..?). Anyways... What am I going to do with this life? You know Glove and Boots (It is a sociocritic Yt channel with puppets)? Sometimes I sound like Fafa... Once a teacher said to me: Cartoon-come out of her! I guess I just watched too much TV when I was younger... My mum was and as far as my brother tells me still is a TV addict. I am no better only because of spending my time on Youtube... Even though I like to watch the qualitative and usefull stuff there and must have subscribed to almost every single knowledge related channel there is-I even had this phase where I would watch 2 hour long NASA hangouts... I am such a clown... Even though this astrophysics student I met abroad was pretty impressed about all the stuff I know. If I have had better grades after highschool graduation I would have probably gone to study psychology because at about age 15 I was convinced that most people are just damn sick inside. I don´t mind my failing back then because both my home and my school were just a mad house- this time has marked me my whole life. I have empathy for psychopaths because I was on the verge of becoming one. I´d either killed others or myself if I had stayed on this fucking island. Sometimes I tell my friends in Germany things I find funny but they don´t and they have even said " with that crazy parents you turned out pretty normal Anna". Sometimes I think that I stop trying and give up on me because I have just been disappointed too many times by too many things in a relatively small period of time. I don´t even remember if I meditated yesterday and I feel a hell lot of resistance when thinking of doing the acceptance exersice. I just have a complete block. I will be honest and swear around and I am not sorry at all. These fucking cunts from the bike store have still not repeared my bike. I know that they are waiting for some pieces of a company but if they know that "they say it will take some time" means forever then why didn´t they say that in the first place? I am getting chubby here and that is not nice. It is already enough that on my legs I have self harm scars from my last relapse when I flew home two years ago and this fucking thing the internet says is skin cancer (I would not be surprised but it better not be). Irony, isn´t it? I wanted to live really long and healthy (leaving aside the times I did not want to live at all). I wanted to live healthy and long because I searched about that stuff because instead of socializing as a kid on Saturdays I would watch my grandma slowly die of pancreatic cancer (and depression because my grandpa had died-a type of blood cancer-he was in the agriculture- lot of pesticides...)when she finally passed away she looked like one of those starved jews of Hitler´s concentration camps. Tell the greeks to send you your european health card- might arive a month or two before expiring? I HATE YOU GREECE-I AM ASHAMED TO BE HALF GREEK. (not always...) Oh, yes I grew up on an island where the sun is shining and the tourists go do party and stay in hotels... with airconditioning... Tourists? We had a couple of teachers who would call the bad students tourists... Is that rasist? Anyways... My mum came here as a tourist... Who fell in love with a minimalst who lived in a garage in the middle of a field and had a dog called Gaddafi... Seriously mum? The good thing about him is his minimalism though... Before my existence he was baffled about curtains... I mean... Who needs that shit right? I want to get rid of many things I have, also because one day I want to live in an ecocapsule somewhere where I can play Heidi and won´t threat or be threatened by anyone (that is partially a joke). Am I really writing this into a public journal? Hi, future boss... Who says I won´t be unemployed for the rest of my life? I could work on my dad´s property. Haha and try to work harder than your brother again to get his recognition even though you are a girl? To burn your hands and get green skin and collapse in the sun while being eaten by buggs and inhaling the smell of rotten vegetables mixed with pesticides in a greenhouse or to watch pakistani and black people who work for other farmers a step from heatstroke be exploited for a miserable salary? I don´t want to know what is going on now with the refugees... Best part is how they treat nature though... But who gives a fuck about that when the sea level is rising and year for year it is getting more hot? My home will be either inhabitable or gone completely anyways! I would be so good at some job of women objectification. If I have mastered one place in this life it is the dancefloor... I used to be able (I guess I still can) run on 12 centimetre high heels and I have a friend back home, he works for one of the strip clubs in bar street... Too bad I am trying to love myself. Too bad... Too bad that I don´t even wear mascara anymore... Too bad I try to go to bed early and don´t drink anymore. Did you know that alcohol destroyes all antioxidants in your skin in just 8 minutes? I find that astonishing... Obviously nobody wants to hear these thoughts but I don´t care. I am no vanilla sweety-that is for sure. And I like myself. You know in judo sometimes I would get thrown through the air and crash on the tatamis like a sack of potatoes while feeling my ribbs being pressed into my flesh and stuff flowing around and my breathing go heavy for a while but I would immediately get up again. I know very well that I am not upset for crap. I would suppress my anger when a girl in class would for example cry because of some argument with her boyfriend. I could had thrown myself on the floor and started screaming and kicking (´cause I tried to shine even though I had real problems)... But I was too afraid that I would be given medication or brought to the psychiatry on Lesbos (the other islands don´t have such a thing) and I could definitely not leave my suicidal at that time brother-STOP oh please dear brain stop because I really, really want to sleep. NEED -SLEEP -NOW. OK? That was useless information taken out of my fucked up past which influences the now, which I have to change... Peace and love and that stuff... (° °)

day 7506 First of all I am going to share some lyrics of a song I found... You float in a million lights But the one you seek is not there You fight in a million fights But it's yourself you cannot bear You think you are a leader But you turn everyone away You think you are a preacher But you can't turn night into day Well there is something inside of me And I know that it's growing Well the thing that will forever be And I feel its shadow calling It is the fear that drives you mad It is the fear that makes you blind It is the fear that keeps you sad It is the fear that kills your mind You think you can make things grow But in truth you are like a desert You think it's not your ego And that others make you hurt You have learned how to deceive And yourself is all you can hear You think you really believe But deep down you are only fear There is something inside of me That makes me run against the wall The thing my eyes don't want to see That will obliterate my soul [...] Everyone's afraid but that's no excuse [...] Everyone's afraid (Mind.In.A.Box-Fear) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So, It has gotten a taste of how personal development really works and It is trying to get a tiny bit closer to the better every day. All these concepts turn out to be so different from how It expected. One thing one must accept is that "fast" is never the solution-ever. Learning is repetition and repetition needs time. It did so many mistakes today. Today It just failed. Failed in all points... But It has to write an entry because It commited to doing so. Now, after all It can´t really feel bad or good about Itself. It can´t help It-just the same traps over and over... This is a part of this whole thing... It used to be one of these people who would put their whole heart into something and be excited and hope and do and fight and dream and It knows that the victim mentality doesn´t fit in here but the years of hell have been hot enough that the only way to bare them was to go unconscious or make up some different reality. The problem is that once you get out of there things are not automatically fine, you might discover that something is fundamentaly wrong with you because you might "miss" it (shity homeostasis-even though this homeostasis is not worth its title). You can´t just undo so many patterns in just a year of watching Gura and related channels. Fact is that nobody will be disappointed but Itself. Fact is that nobody gives a single fuck (unless you might pay maybe) and that is OK. It has never been someone to choose easy goals however, so what to expect. Never think that you won´t fall into a black hole again-you will and that is no new epiphany, the epiphany is that you might have been wrong about the frequency of those things along your journey... (° °)

7505 How is it/It going? The day is pretty much over. I re-watched the acceptance video and I really like this idea of existence never being wrong and not needing me to be any other way... ! ...Unconditional love from existence... ! My meditation was a fight... My pre frontal cortex feels cramped. Oh wow... I spent my day home but did not mindfuck myself online? How that? I read 66 pages of Chomsky and consider that as a good job. If I liked red beet I would not be hungry now. No, I am not going to use a delivery service. Shops open tomorrow again (finally!). If I just had a cat right now... Who is going to wash the dishes? Not me- I´m out! - "It" is really unconscious right now but LOVES you. I know this does not make sense... I am post-rational mmkay? Hehehe... I guess I should start writing in the mornings again... Sweet dreams ya all (- -) zzzzzZZZ

7504 At around midnight I set down with the lights out and stared at a candle for an hour, blew it off and continued 50 more minutes... Maybe the best thing I did all day. Before that I decided to catch myself on camera while talking. (Had one of my downs). I had nothing specific to say, just what came to my mind. I watched that and my mouth dropped open at some points. It was like watching a depressed criminal who covers pain with empty gazes and a deep voice-not to mention all the lies... What should I say? This weeks video hits it on the spot... These extremes of beating oneself up or being lazy... The videos back from 2013 had no answer but today I was just served it on a silver plate. In the very first post I had mentioned that I want to work on acceptance-so here we are... I commit to doing this exercise until new material is released. Right now I am smiling. There is not much to say, is there? Pay Attention Integrate Now (^ ^) <3 (^ ^)

I did not know that Lyle can be a guys name too... °-°

7503 I watched this interview with Evan Rock who is a nice balance between the rational, bussiness oriented, organising energy bulb but at the same time this very spiritual, deep, centered and loving meditator. The only thing that strickes me though is that for me the next decades won´t be satisfying even if I manage to get my ass to super expensive Hawaii and surround myself with a loving community like Evan managed to do. I feel like that would be fleehing from more messed up places and people and I feel that writing some book or just acting in one small place with a specific audience is easy. The pationate people who try to make the world better are not helped this way. I would give up all my passions if I could reach more people. I know Leo says that we should focus on what we are already good at and master that and enjoy our brief time on earth this way but I already know that at some point in my life, after educations and jobs allow it, I will have to at least try to do something difficult and risky and shoot for bigger impacts. I can´t help it-I know too much to think that I can just get myself a nice life and leave it there-I can´t be that ignorant. How was meditation yesterday? Ehm... Good? How was it today? Not accomplished yet. This whole meditation habits thing is anyways still at an experimental stage... I don´t know if it is possible but... I send you LOVE! (´cause I feel plenty of that right now...) ~(° °)~

7502 This journal can be misunderstood very easily but I guess I can try as much as I want but I will never fit ALL shapes that my ego takes in here and indeed, nobody can. I don´t think I will ever understand someone else in completeness or vise versa. We could talk about qualia now, or perception or neuroscience or psychology or just the fact that we don´t always have the same input and therefore the same output. ...I enjoy confusing people... It is an irrational piece of art and falls in love with Itself even though there is nothing scarier than being inconsistant and having Its roles and beliefs always on the table to keep or throw away. Sometimes It feels like It has seen it all... Even the perspectives that It can´t really have are imaginable. I had this friend and she accidentaly burnt or cut herself- I don´t remember... Her boyfriend came and said: Do you feel that? "That is YOUR pain. It belongs to YOU." As if it was something of big value and made her special... Then I realized that nobody knows my pain and nobody knows my JOY either. People can have compassion, people can guess your mood, people can try to analyze you as much as they want but they will never know if your blue is their blue. We are alone in our heads and that is BEAUTIFUL. Every human will never be more or less than anybody else and we all have this DNA and biology but we are unique at the same time. We all already posses things that make us unique. We are similar enough to be each others mirrors and recognize aspects of ourselves in others or get inspired by traits someone has that we don´t but we are different enough to add new perspectives. Even if everyone did awareness work-even if everyone would listen to their higher selfs- we would all manifest our potential into reality in different ways. Two people practise mindfulness at the same place and time but are they becoming mindful about the same things and in the same way? No. "You" and "Me", we are endless butterfly effects, just like everything around. Future plan? I/It want(s) to do activism.(This vision is nothing new). At this point in my life the best activism I can do is be vegan, share some video on social media here and then and sign some petitions with my email... This is actually a big need of my higher self-this need that I do something-may it be small or big to contribute to solving some of the problems this world has. I don´t think I would be so passionate about this if I had not seen and felt a couple of things first hand. That is what bothers me... That people kind of need the bear hunting them to run. Nowadays for 1st world people it is all quite abstract and it takes some time for them to make a connection between what happens at one place and what happens at another. The internet is such a great medium, such a powerful tool to spread information, to help the ones that want to know-to actually know (ehm...and hopefully do). But I don´t mind getting my hands dirty... The thing is that I don´t know where to look first. I guess providing psychological wisdom like Leo does is the most genius thing one could do. With that it is not you and the people but the people and themselves, it´s like implanting your higher self beliefs into others, it is addressing the problems from where they start. ... Hopefully the speed of human made destruction won´t be higher than the speed of our education or awakening or healing or evolution or however you want to call it. Cheers. ~(° °),

7501 I can´t always write in the morning hours... Just finished some mindfulness meditation that I have not done in ages. At some point I was describing my notebook display... Definitely the absolutely weirdest and most alien thing in here (when turned on)... How was the day so far? One problem gets solved and another arises... Does that ever end? What about future plans? Yes, many... But which one to choose? By the way... I am almost afraid to say it but I think I don´t wantt to have children and should I ever feel this urge, then not my own but of those that could need someone to care for them like I would for my own... Work ethics? Mm... Working on that. Today I conquered the fear and won. This morning actually I had so much resistance inside me for various reasons-my hands got sweaty and my skin got the chills, I was almost shaking... There are things about my past that still haunt me around but there is my ego as well using these as excuses and me not having read the manual for this complicated human machine yet... I would say I am satisfied with 7501 though... I think I am a lovable little chimp... And a god damn weirdo... (° °)