Hi Leo (if you read these) and whoever else reads this...
I don’t know... which content headline this really falls under, so I chose the first one on the list. It’s a rather strange topic.
I’ve been watching actualize.org videos for awhile on YouTube, I feel like Leo (because I’m not sure if this is going to be read by you so I’ll keep it all non directed) mesmerised me all the time with how relateable so many of his examples were in various videos. A lot of which hit home. Which made me sign up to this website and ask for help after the last video I watched on “the power of self acceptance” it brought me to actual tears while I tried the visualising activity in the video when Leo spoke about building this feeling of love inside from when you might have felt love in a given situation in the past, not because the situation I was visualising itself was one that didn’t make me feel an immense amount of love inside but because I couldn’t feel anything and realised how miserable this really was.
As you can tell by the title of this. I don’t feel anything - across the board generally on a day to day basis. Emotionally I feel absolutely nothing at all.
Its a very strange thing. Hard to explain, I’ve tried to to many people, this “feeling” of feeling nothing. I don’t remember exactly when it started but I think it was somewhere around 2 years ago. After a lot of painful things had happened building up from my childhood and in my more adult life at that time. My friends at the time had told me it was just temporary because I had gone through a lot at that moment, but then the months began to stretch, and here I am today, 2 years later, with this strange and now what seems like to me a horrifying feeling of numbness.
Let me explain, because those who know me and I tell them this become very confused as they see me generally as a jolly always lively person. It doesn’t matter if I’m in a situation, where my life looks great, in a situation say when I’m having a laugh with my close friends or family, where you’d expect for one to feel happy, and I’d be laughing, it’s kind of like in my head I’m automatically like “this is a happy moment so act happy and seem happy” and I end up appearing happy, I laugh and try to accept the moment as one where I should feel great, but at these moments, I still feel inside, emotionally... nothing. At all. I feel nothing. LITERATELY.
or say I’m with my boyfriend, who is an amazing and loving man, a lot of the time when we spend time together, I feel nothing. Like, say we’re cuddled up together, emotionally I feel no warmth, no love, no hate either, nothing at all. This happens no matter who shows affection towards me be it a parent or relative or a stranger, I feel no sense of ANYTHING.
This is the same even when something tragic happens, I feel absolutely nothing. Not angry, not sad, not happy, not alive. At all.
its become somewhat concerning to me. I don’t ever remember myself being like this before 2 years ago. I remember myself as a person who always felt strong, determined, extremely loving and caring regardless of any bad situation that hit me. I remember myself as an individual with a constant high driven positivity genuinely from an inward feeling of deep love that I used to be able to feel, for everything I saw around me. For the sky, for the ground and everything simple in life.
And now I feel like... even when now, I’m in a far better place than where I was before... I don’t feel the same as before, because now I feel nothing at all.
To the point, I had the most horrifying dream one night where I shot my siblings- in the dream my apparent reasoning was because I loved them so much I didn’t want them to ever leave me, which made NO SENSE at all to me when I woke up because I would never want to harm anyone let alone my own siblings it’s just against my moral beliefs. but even then in that dream I felt nothing at all as scary as it sounds, I didn’t even realise it was a dream because I still felt nothing at all when I woke up, no feeling of relief, no feeling of fear, no feeling of anxiety or panic. Nothing. At all. I just woke up, stared at the ceiling and went back to sleep like nothing bothered me about what I had just seen.
Its so so hard to explain... feeling this absolute emptiness inside. Not lonely, but empty.
It makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me.
It feels like I’m an empty house inside, everything in its place, everything neat and tidy and well functioning but with no one home. Not in a sinister way, but in an odd way. Like everyone had suddenly left home and left no clue of where to and when they’ll be back.
And it scares me. Wondering if I’ll ever really feel again. I mean literately here, even while eating my favourite cereal, will I ever really feel the excitement I used to with such simple things again?
And why has this happened ?
why have I been emotionally dead for soooooo long?
When am I ever going to be alive again, a feeling... human? And not just a dead one?
And most importantly, what can I do to try and ... just be human again? Or at least feel like one.
Thank you.
