Deziree

I have decided to call off my visit with Edmund. He is not a right fit for me. Plus he is going on vacation for a month. That's not acceptable. I have barely begun my program with him and it has been only 2 meetings so far. It would lead to a huge gap and lack of continuity. So I found Ian. Let's see how it goes. My first meeting with Ian is next week.

The mirror principle. https://youtu.be/Ic6e1zCfUC4?si=CqM35YT5G3-51iEw

Sometimes I don't even feel connected to reality. But it's not like I don’t really feel what I feel. It could be something like blanking out. Maybe directionless. Or it could be not experiencing pleasure while watching people smile or flowers in a garden. Emotion needs to exist to form strong memory. Feeling like an outsider looking into my own life. Interactions are only due to obligation. I really did not feel much of a sensation if I remember those times I had these phases of dissociation.

Dissociation is strong during anxiety episodes.

Your emotional operating system has encountered a fatal flaw. I like how he put that.

This is hilariously scary

Not really funny but..

I have a meeting with Ed tomorrow. I will be discussing my hoarding issues. So far Ed has helped me. But it's been only 2 meetings. My family has been very supportive so far. I take cold showers regularly. I have to reconfigure my diet. But things are still good. Better than before. I have to configure my career plan by mid January. I would want a teaching job or maybe something art related. I have to tackle my problems one by one. It won't be easy. There are behavioral issues, some spiritual emptiness, psychological issues and health issues along with career insecurity. Once I fix these I will focus on fixing relationships.

December 3 2025. I have a meeting with my university counsellor. Both Ed and Thomas are awesome. I have a bunch of stuff to do. Winter is here and going on walks has been a challenge especially after recovering from the flu. Emotional instability has been a huge thing lately.

say these 5 things every morning.

.......

1. What moments in my life have felt sacred, even if they weren’t traditionally “spiritual”? Describe what made them feel meaningful or deeply alive. 2. When do I feel most connected to something larger than myself — nature, humanity, God, the universe, my own intuition? What does that connection feel like in my body and heart? 3. What does ‘inner guidance’ or intuition feel like inside me? How can I differentiate it from fear, wishful thinking, or overthinking? 4. How has my understanding of spirituality evolved over the years? What beliefs, rituals, or questions have stayed with me? 5. Write about a time when life felt guided as if things aligned beyond logic. What happened? How did it make you feel about life’s deeper intelligence? 6. What spiritual questions live quietly inside me? Not the ones I feel pressured to answer but the ones my soul is genuinely curious about. 7. If spirituality was not about religion, rules, or perfection — but about presence, love, and awareness — what would it look like in my daily life? 8. What is my personal definition of “soul”? Where do I feel its presence — in emotions, creativity, silence, longing, love? 9. What role does trust play in my spiritual path? Where do I struggle to surrender, and where do I naturally flow? 10. What kind of spiritual nourishment do I genuinely crave? Stillness? Community? Nature? Poetry? Prayer? Meaning? Healing? 11. What is one spiritual practice (formal or informal) that has actually shifted something inside me? How did it subtly change how I see myself or life? 12. How do I experience the divine not in theory, but in real life moments? In kindness? Silence? Beauty? Grief? Love? 13. What part of me feels most hungry for connection, purpose, or deeper meaning? What might it be asking for? 14. Write a letter from your ‘Higher Self’ the wise, compassionate part of you to your everyday self. What does it want you to remember? 15. Is it possible that spirituality isn’t about becoming something — but remembering something? What might I be remembering?