Polymorph

Most people are unable to think through situations. You shouldn't devalue the significance of contemplation.

China's secret police have invaded American shores. What significance does this hold for the future?

This is my first journal. And this is my first thread on the forum. Not sure if I can keep up with this. Giving it a go.

Self-reflecting about porn, and why I started watching it so young. I found porn when I was 10, and got curious about it from that moment onwards. For a long time I've used it as a coping mechanism to provide a false sense of desirability and self-love. I know I need to commit to nofap, and I often make the excuse that it's hard. I think that along with cleaning up my diet and committing to not drinking anymore, I will be a new man.

From my experience with women, it's like the moment I start to get invested in someone and want to start giving all my love to her, she loses interest and ghosts me or friendzones me. But if I play it cool and don't express too much interest, she stays interested. Except if I can't ever share my love with a woman and I have to be this cold muthafuckuh for her to stay in love with me, I wonder, what's the point in trying to date women and find, "love" if a woman will never love me the way I want, and I have to love myself? I'm not against self-love, I love it. I love myself more than before, and in the end, I'm all I've got. It's just weird frustrating, wanting love and intimacy from someone, but expressing that too much causes you to lose it. Yet women fall into relationships with abusive and manipulative men all the time and end up addicted in love with them. To the point where I almost thing most women WANT to be manipulated into being in love with a man. They don't really want to be loved. I don't even really blame players who have multiple baby mommas anymore, and I don't have a lot of respect for women other than what they do as individuals. I mean I can play these stupid mindgames with women to try and get past her bullshit and seduce her, but I just always feel like that's wretched, stupid, and waste of my time when I could be doing something more productive and virtuous than wasting time, playing games with some girl. To the point where sometimes in the past, when a girl expressed romantic or sexual attraction to me (usually after hearing me sing or some friend trying to hook me up with someone), I usually get weirdly angry and proud, and I either start ignoring her everytime she's around, or I even start to play mindgames with her. If I want sex, I'll pay for it. If I want love, I'll find it within myself and within God. So why the fuck would I ever date or marry someone unless I accidentally knock them up? The only way I can think of loving a woman, is loving her like a pet. The best way I can describe it, is that I get angry and defensive because it feels like she's trying to distract me from my self-love, my purpose, and from God. She's trying to take my sovereignty from me. The times where I did reciprocate sexual or romantic attraction, it fizzled out. I know I sound clueless and probably a bit broken but fuck it, I want answers.

@Tyler Robinson @Devin haha. You guys must be related.

@Tyler Robinson I appreciate you taking your time. Thanks for the response!

You're right on the money. I don't get the curiosity over this provocative prick. He played everyone like a fiddle.

Sorry to hear about your cancer situation. Don't give up.

The concept of irreversible brain damage has always terrified me the most in health. There really needs to be more research on drugs like modafinil tbh. I don't know if it's a mega miracle or the new cigarette Psychopharmacology is such an interesting field, but I do not really have the ability to read academic studies like that, would take me hours. TBF, this article looks particularly intriguing ... I'm gonna have to try & read it. Too many big words but I get the gist is that no one really knows anything. I feel like anecdotal is the best evidence.