Onecirrus

I'd probably put myself at stage green but it is unfathomable to me that certain words can be considered rude, bad, or even forbidden. I often see in daily life that spiral dynamics stage blue aswell as green both attack others for using bad words and slurs. In academia, spiral dynamics stage orange demonizes the misuse of grammar and spelling aswell as bad words. Its probably safe to assume spiral dynamics stage purple forbid the use of certain words aswell. I haven't met any but I assume stages biege, red, yellow, and turquoise don't give a shit. My question is what is with people and words?

So about four days ago I smoked marijuana for the second time. The first time was very calming and meditative, but this time it really fucked with my awareness. My entire perception of the world was distorted, it felt like all of my senses had been rearranged in a kaleidoscope. While in this state I listened to some of Leo's omniscience video which caused extreme existential dread and anxiety, I was losing my grasp on reality. The last couple days Ive been nearly sleepless due to panic or anxiety attacks where I feel as if I'm going to leave my body. I feel my awareness expanding and It feels like I'm going to die, It feels like hell, I fight it with everything I can, I hate it, I refuse to let go of myself. After waking up and fighting off another attack I just pace around my house thinking about how much I hate myself and my life, but then I notice the beautiful moonlight shining through the living room windows. I just silently admire it for a while but it feels like the more I stay in the present moment, the less grasp I have on myself. Finally I sit on my couch. I put on some Eckhart Tolle and listen to him speak of the eternal now. I think to myself "I can let go..." I surrender and dissolve into the present, I can feel my awareness rapidly expanding "Every thing is okay..." I think to myself. My heart rate skyrockets! I can feel this energy welling inside me along with joy, bliss, and happiness! My vision slightly blurs and distorts as I fully surrender to the experience, there is only the now. I've never felt so happy! As I slow my breathing my heart rate decreases, the beautiful feelings are still there but more calm. I sit in meditative bliss for about twenty minutes until my mother interrupts me, I tell her I love her. Afterwards I remember thinking what was I so scared of? Why did I fight this beautiful experience so much? My only question is why? Why did this happen? I am a terrible self actualizer! I hardly meditate, my diet is shit, my mindset was shit, I am selfish, hateful, and petty! I spend most of my time feeling sorry for myself, but it happened! I just let go and it happened! What even was it? I can still feel it but will it last? How can I get it to happen again?

I've had another experience! I felt the fear and anxiety coming up again and surrendered to it. For about the past hour I've laid in my bed as I floated through pools of pure bliss and joy! I unconditionally accepted the present moment and this beautiful blissful energy has been washing around my body, it feels like a miracle! I stopped thinking and started being! It felt like the universe was making love to me! Again it was very unpleasant, unsettling, and scary at first, but I again have no idea why I was so afraid of this! Guys please share with me everything you can, I'm very ignorant on all this!

@Peo While in this state of altered consciousness I listened to some of Leo's Omniscience video. He began to talk about how all of reality was simply imagined and it immediately started to fuck with my sense of self and reality. I had to turn it off and play grand theft auto 5 to bring myself back down.

@Conrad I don't think I'm enlightened or non dual but this definitely felt related!

Just had a dream. I was at work with a few co-workers, I can't remember what we we're discussing. The next thing I remember is we we're in my bedroom, I think we were talking about drugs but I can't recall what kind (I have never done any kind of drugs or psychedelics). Suddenly this overwhelming golden glare enters my field of vision, it was the single brightest, most beautiful thing, I have ever seen. Suddenly it grew brighter and expanded into me, I'm collapsing but my co-workers continue their conversation. I'm violently shaking, vibrating, and pulsing as it gets even brighter and completely consumes my vision, all I can see is this light. It feels like I'm accelerating out into infinity, faster and faster with every pulse and violent flash of this beautiful golden light. Everything is infinite goodness and infinite love, I'm so happy and thankful this is the case but terrified at the same time, I'm accelerating faster and faster into everything and I cant stop, its like a chain reaction of infinities, every pulse I become more and more and more and more. I thought it was too much, my heart was pounding and it felt like I was going to have a heart attack, I remember thinking "this is incredible, but I only want a few more degrees of happiness in my life, all this is TOO FUCKING MUCH!!!" There was only me, this light, and infinite love, but it was like I was all of it. I awoke shaking, my heart was beating out of my chest. It was hard to control my fingers as they continued to spasm. I remember having a similar dream, December 8th 2015. There was this white light above me that radiated this unconditional love, but this was absolutely nothing compared to this. It happened about half an hour or so ago, now I just feel normal, as if it never happened. Earlier tonight, I sat on a pier and stared out across the Chesapeake bay at the stars and moon. I inquired there origins and existence out loud along with my own, and pondered the biocentric nature of my reality. "Second Principle of Biocentrism: Our external and internal perceptions are inextricably intertwined. They are different sides of the same coin and cannot be divorced from one another." Maybe that was the catalyst of the dream. I attached an image that closely resembles what I saw, I'm having deja vu while typing this. What do you all think? Was this anything significant or just a dream?

I literally just have no drive to pursue it. As I've worked to develop myself and self actualize, I can hardly bring myself to work towards it anymore. I use to have such a burning desire to transform my life and become successful, I use to work day and night toward mastering my craft, but now I just want to stare at the goddamn trees all day!!! I'm so much more in love and satisfied with the present moment, future goals just seem pointless. What the fuck am I suppose to do now? It was my dissatisfaction of myself and my life that drove me, but now I don't have those motivators anymore. I feel like I've worked too hard to give up my life purpose, I spent years pursuing it, fighting, bleeding, and crying for it, I made so many major life altering decisions pursuing it, I don't want to give it up, but it just isn't doing anything for me right now. I just want to watch the stars twinkle in the heavens, I just want to hear the birds chirping, I just want to enjoy the smell of diesel and cigarettes while I unload trucks at my wage slave job. There's too many people counting on me to continue pursuing it for me to let it go. I guess I'll just force myself to do it. If it is inauthentic then I think I can love and accept that too. What do you guys think?

What's it like? How do you see yourself, the world, society? What are your goals/ what will you spend the rest of your life doing? Can the ego survive this realization? It sounds liberating but also terrifying, what the hell is everything?

What kind of life do you want? How would you prefer to live? What is your life purpose? I'd like to be a Rockstar, but like a Philospher Rockstar rather than some narcissistic hedonist. I'd also like a huge book shelf full of books and to be left the hell alone.

At my job I deal with men some could describe as "unfit for mankind." I am surrounded by the most immature manifestations of spiral dynamics, orange, blue, and maybe even some red. This is the perfect training ground because I'd like to be more loving and compassionate toward mankind and the people I deal with, but they really don't make it easy. Any suggestions?

Everything just feels arduous and exhausting. I'm tired of fighting myself, my ego, my mind. I'm tired of life and all the bullshit that comes with it. I'm tired of feeling trapped and stuck. I'm tired of being envious and judgemental of others. I'm tired of trying to fix myself. Of always being inadequate. Of always wanting more and never getting it. Of society and culture. Of America. Of my family. Of being alone on this journey. Of climbing this mountain. Of wandering in the dark with no guidance. I want to be boundless and infinite. I want the light of this world. I want to never walk in darkness. I don't know what I'm saying but maybe you do?

I'd rather revert back to blue than ascend to green. I can't take political correctness or social justice. I don't care about being inclusive or making others feel comfortable. I'm also pretty anti social and don't Want to be part of any group or community. Is there any hope for me to ascend?

Ask green master for simple instructions for reaching a goal. Green bloviates for twenty minutes without really saying anything specific. Ask again for simple steps on what to do and how to do it. Get vague instruction after green gets off topic for ten minutes about me opening up to people. Rephrase the same question to get specific answer. Green contradicts itself after going on and on about nothing. Get angry and frustrated. Feel like I understand instructions even less now. Proceed to argue. WHY CANT THEY JUST FUCKING SPIT IT OUT?!!! ITS LIKE TALKING TO A GODDAMN WALL!!! JUST TELL ME WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE SO I CAN DO IT!!! After this conversation I don't even have the energy to reach this goal right now. How can I understand and communicate with these people?

I didn't know a toothache could be so agonizing! Will meditation or other spiritual practices help in any way?

I am a black male and I doubt our lives were that different if your from a first world country. I don't believe you are any more privileged than me. I think social justice is being used to attack males and whites and this is another reason I resist green.

I think this thread has run its course. Thank you all for your time.

This triggers me

I'm glad spiral dynamics is being discussed. I had no guidance when transitioning from blue to orange as a teen and was very lost, confused, depressed, and scared. Now I have much more understanding of that time and can continue to have deeper insights about myself and my world view.

@Joseph Maynor submission sharing Tolerance Emotional sensitivity group think Political correctness thats about it though

@Leo Gura I am twenty years old. I don't believe I have autism but green seems too emotional and pacifistic. I see emotions as a weakness and they have often caused me to sabotaged my own life. I also think to accept and tolerate the views of others makes green seem like a doormat and to Submit to a group or community is to be a sheep. Its also unsettling to learn that sjw snowflakes are actually more developed than me. I have no idea about my testosterone levels, I don't believe I resent women more than anyone else, but you right on the money when it comes to socialization. Maybe orange just needs some friends.

It's futile to find fulfillment through others, so how do I stop desiring them?

Do you need one to be happy?

Would civilization continue to exist? Would people bother reproducing? Why do anything at all?