electroBeam

the 2nd trip report here(created a month or 2 ago) is exactly where "I'm at" now, and its exactly what I want to embody deeper. Its crazy how that trip report perfectly describes now. Especially, grace or complete surrender to the point that reality is just flowing completely freely. And complete letting go of all suffering and discomfort and pain. And letting go to the point that love can just out-pour seamlessly to others, completely effortless, but effective helping others. Also this is what I want to embody: As Nahm answered here, shadow work, healing, trauma, spiritual development, whatever, at the universal identification level means helping others, along with your physical avatar, as a whole. So also allowing the love to outpour to others, and deepening that possibility, is also what I want. Other note: false identification = suffering. Simple as that. No false identification, no suffering. More false identification is release, less suffering there is.

what a great source of motivation to see yourself beyond the body. How hard is expansion for the ones who don't know they're limited.

@tuckerwphotography If a big loving God created the universe, would he/she create something for no reason?

I don't think you're a bad person. Its really remarkable to see that you have the courage, wisdom and sincerity to look at the unpleasant memories head on and face them. That's real, true growth, and the sort of thing a 'good person' does. If God manifested himself in front of you right now, he/she would give you a massive hug for mustering up the courage to even think about doing what you're trying to do.

Its beautiful to see such care and empathy in another being, like what you're showing. I understand that its really really really tough to break someone's heart. And if I was in your position, I would typing on here for an answer too lol. When you're in the position you're in, its easy to feel like all the suffering is coming from hurting the other person. But there's more going on here then that. If you break up with him, what does that say about you? Are you a good person? Bad person? A mean person? A jerk? Are you worried at all about how breaking up with him is going to hurt your self image? Who you think yourself to be? You may be carrying deep trauma or pain in your body from the need to try and preserve the image of yourself that you're trying to uphold, and such an image may break down, or release if you break up with this guy. Every loss, every single loss, is scary, uncomfortable, sometimes depressing, sometimes horrible, but every single loss is ALWAYS an opportunity to grow, to become a better person, more of the person you want to be, and most powerfully, to release that painful trauma that you're carrying in your system. I would think about how much both you and your boyfriend will grow, how much trauma will be released, in the long run, from breaking up with him when considering what you should do.

@meow_meow Yep. Nahm has a really good reply here:

Was questioning, what's the point of duality? Why is it there. Then this massive explosion of compassion occurred. A love for all partial aspects of God, and a Will or desire to give them love. To share with them the realisation of self. Then it just occurred to me, that literally the entire dream is designed just to share the love and self realization. The dream is designed in its current form to spread the love. That's what maximising love means. ooooo that's overwhelming somehow even without being a human hahahaha. So that's the point of... basically all action and movement. ohhhhhhh. And the entire journey I went on was specifically designed for that purpose. I also had some petty issues, and I was wondering how to fully eliminate all fears and suffering. And this realization that everything is about spreading the love just blew them all away. Its like now I don't care about anything except helping spread the love. I'm in a swirly love vortex where there's just Loving God, and spreading that love with myself through all the partial aspects of God. And its all about making the action to spread that love as best as possible.

I'd love to see you on a very high dose of ayahuasca or dmt hahahahaha. Like you're right on an absolute level, but ringing in the ears = spirit is just as real/imaginary as your cup of water.

Here is a description of the Absolute here. I have the desire to 'rest' in the egg for a bit more time, and to explore the egg more deeply. While allowing life and the dream to continue. I don't really identify with electroBeam as an entity anymore, because there's no separation between electroBeam and the egg. But I don't identify with the egg either, because its still real that electroBeam is a character, and this particular POV is real. So I sort of identify with the egg, but through electroBeam as a character. How the dream unfolds is still important to me. I'm not just gonna sleep on a parkbench like Eckhart Tolle, but adopting a dualistic perspective, or forgetting about the egg is definitely not on my radar, and wont be for a while I reckon. I would need to replenish and cool off from the journey I've been on before doing that. Deepening the egg is on my radar, and it will probably make the dream more fun anyway. More of a pleasure to go through then a drain.

So the fuck up happened, and the energy raised to a point where it went to the point of no return. Once that happened, there was an extremely subtle shift in perspective. You're an egg. An adorable, caring, innocent, well meaning, loving, compassionate egg. In duality called the present moment. All humans are just a silhouette of raw intelligence. They don't have opinions, a worldview, beliefs, etc. They are just a surface or appearance. Each human is unique and special in their own way, and no human is better than any other human. Every human deserves love and care. The unique aspects of each human is what makes the egg as a whole special. Such a diverse amount of aspects to this egg. This egg can and does dream up whatever it wants, in a very loving and innocent way. You can't really hate any human, because there's nothing to hate of a human. Because the only thing you can hate is the stuff beyond the surface or appearance of the human, and that does not exist. Each human is appearing to pretend to not know anything about the egg. And every human is pretending to be everywhere but the egg. Pretending to be in Japan, South Korea, US, stage purple, stage turquoise, woman, man, psychopathic, schizophrenic, exploring some dmt machine elf realm. Some of you are rocking it in those pretend realms, which is lovely to see. Some of you not so much. But you're all right here, with me in the end. Its like imagine a paper cut out of the earth, like 2 pages of an atlas. You're all pretending to be around the globe, the guys on the top right of the piece of paper are calling someone with a phone on the bottom left of the paper, pretending they are too far away to talk to each other, but in the end, if you really wanted to, you could wake up and see that you're both just on the same page. Some of you are sailing an adventure in the middle of the map, some of you are relaxing on the left of the map, its cool to see all of you doing your shit on the map at once, while knowing you're all safe, because all the realms you guys are in is imaginary. Even if you die while sailing, you're coming right back to me. You can't really get jealous of 1 human getting something that you aren't getting, or achieving something that you aren't, because what they're getting isn't actually there. And the only thing of value they could truly get, is loving you. You can't even get jealous of 1 human waking up while you don't, because that human hasn't truly woken up until you have. There are some humans who are toxic, while there are others that are healthy. The healthy ones are just the ones that are more in touch with you. All the gurus, good human beings, all the people that helped you in your life, were just you all along. There were some people you really loved in your life, they might have left through death or breakup. The things you loved about them, was just the fact that you yourself were shining through them. And you never lost yourself. Just pretended to. You've never been rejected by anyone before. Because those people don't have opinions, worldviews or thoughts. The rejection was just a product of believing you are separate to them. It was believing that you are some entity separate from reality, and the belief that they saw you the same way. But in reality, you're not a separate entity from reality, and they don't see you that way because they don't see at all. They are just you. Real, but you. Everything that hurts, causes suffering, or fear, is just falsely believing in stuff beyond the egg. There's not hurt or suffering in the egg. Only when you pretend to go beyond it. You're POV is the only POV that exists, and you are God, but that does not mean that you can't get love from gurus, or other beings. Another being helping you, is you helping you. Which is valid and makes sense and is possible. All the help you got from waking up, was from you all along. Because those other beings are you. You aren't superior to them, because you are them. You don't know more than them because you are them. You're with them, being them, living side by side by them.

I know what you're going through. The past week I've woken up in the middle of the night, afraid that I was about to forget how to breathe. At this stage, my brain feels extremely fried, like I've taken a kilo of weed and having a serotonin overdose at the same time. I have a massive massive massive pulse of energy in my brain. I keep zoning out, and forgetting where I came from or who I am. And this energy rises based on the smallest things. Just the feeling of going down the elevator makes this energy rise and huge existential fear comes up of dissolving. When I look at objects, I zone out, forget who I am and forget what the object is. The world just dissolves all the time. I go to the shops, and as soon as I look at the food, my stomach has a huge explosion of information about what this food is, and what it will do to me. And that explosion of energy alone, gets me in a state where I zone out, the kundalini energy explodes, and I forget where I am, who I am and where I came from. Also my coordination is deeply out of wack. And you know what? Its perfectly fine. I've been like this for the past couple of weeks now, and at the beginning it was extremely scary, I felt like I was about to be in a psyche ward, but now that I've gotten use to it, I can operate normally. I just stop listening to the negative thoughts, feel the massively overwhelming energy and information, if I forget who I am, fuck it. Yeah its scary but who cares. Just have fun with it. Its a bit challenging being in this state driving a car, and having meetings at work, but if you just keep at feeling the energy, letting go of the negative thoughts, you can get by like a world war 2 plane flying by with 50 shots in its wing. And its more fun flying a plane that's battered anyway. Way more adrenaline.

No one immediately thinks "wow Gandhi is so ugly" when they think of him. But lets be honest he's ugly as fuck.

Yeah definitely its the journey I've gone through in this incarnation. It happened in primary school, high school, university, beyond university, and now. Its such a repetitive theme of my life, that I now see depressive, and suffering intensive climax of a particular chapter of my life, as being vital for moving onto the next stage. And I subconsciously look for those moments, specifically to take the opportunity to grow from them. It sort of comes off as weird or off putting to some others. They just can't understand why I'm actively looking for a challenging trip, or I'm pushing myself close to burnout, or actually open to exploring things which could be dangerous.

They grow in national parks.

@Nahm Thanks Nahm, been reading your post multiple times a day and they've helped a hell. The fear seems to have subsided, but now a tragedy feeling has arisen from seeing the core of my life never really happened. This has just been roller coaster. I been slapping myself across the face a lot. You know this shit really works.

I went through something similar here and here. I'm open to trying to help you with anything specific if you would like that.

I've finally accepted the fact that my life purpose is not to be world class, a master or expert in a particular field. Its to live a magical, wonderful, dream like story, where I explore new and unexpected facets of reality, triumph through inner demons, learn wisdom from my adventures, experience sadness, tragedy, empowerment, wisdom, etc. I basically want to live an epic story. That's it. And I've done enough spiritual work now to feel in my bones that this life is a story, and an epic one. My last trip (on 60 grams of Syrian rue) has had such a powerful experience on me, and has radically changed my consciousness to an irreversible state that changes everything. What I saw on that trip, cannot be unlearnt, or unseen. And there is permanent 'damage' or change, depending on how you look at it, from that trip. And my god what an epic journey that trip was. Holy fuck. And not just that trip, but the days leading after it. This has been an extremely intense part of my life. Living the life I have, taking risks, going on an adventure, being passionate about what I'm doing, what I'm trying to achieve, living moment by moment, is the life I truly want to have. Not living a predefined life, artificially limited and put myself into a box. I want to allow whatever happens, to happen, but do it with passion, adventure, for growth, expansion, development.

What would be the approach (or what approach did you previously take) on getting an experienced wingman to teach you game properly in a club setting. I don't have any friends, especially ones into clubbing, so I need to find people to go to clubs with. I haven't been clubbing in 4 years, and 4 years ago i was extremely different to how I am now. Alternatively I can go to clubs by myself, but not sure how successful that will be in my country as clubs are filled with mostly guys and bounties are worried about too many guys going into clubs. Bars its fine though.

So I took 60 grams of syrian rue on sunday. I also took about 6 grams of syrian rue on friday and saturday. Because my plan was to take ayahuasca on monday afternoon and I wanted to take syrian rue repetitively to reverse my tolerance. Anyway on sunday afternoon, I took so much syrian rue that I literally got high off it in a very intense way. I had massive buzzing sounds in my ears (sounded like dmt machine elf technology), I was uncoordinated, I was hallucinating madly (literally thought I was in the amazon the entire time when I was just in my bathroom) and it lasted (was intense) for about 6 to 7 hours. I lost track of everything. And that was from 11pm to like 5am I was high. So got no sleep really. And I vomited every 15 to 30 minutes lots and lots of syrian rue. Anyway, great experience, lots of insights and learnings and would definitely do it again if I had the chance. My question is, I'm aware that previous psychedelic experiences influence future ones. I'm planning to take ayahuasca and syrian rue again this week. Do I need to be careful about my dose? (after going through the previous experience)? Or will it be unaffected and I just take the normal dosages?

@Recursoinominado That's great advice, especially the part about nature. Yes fear is literally false. That's what's gonna be required to get through it. @cetus Thanks for the advice. FYI my post history is not a good indicator of my background, but even if it was, you'll see I mostly post about dating and life purpose, and gave this stuff a break months ago. My sleeping problem is entirely unrelated to spirituality.

@Leo Gura No my intention wasn't to trip on it, my intention was to radically reverse tolerance my system in preparation for NN DMT. I've taken ayahuasca 3 times in the last month and they were mild, even after taking large amounts of root bark and 6 grams of rue. So i came up with the amazing idea of taking large doses of rue 2 days before taking aya to reduce amount of root bark needed to be eaten, but then i somehow tripped on rue by itself. I didnt realize you could trip on rue by itself and that it was hallucinogenic so i was unprepared for what happened. It did make me vomit, literally every 15 minutes. It was a 'horrible trip, but the horrible ones are the best because you grow the most. Unfortunately in my country the extract is illegal, so i need to extract it myself or just take rue without extracting it.

@Carl-Richard well you need to talk for work bro hahaha. You cant escape talking to people

Powder it then eat it. Do you find stimulants to be a problem? I have taken it within 24 hours of caffeine and never noticed anything. Also check blood pressure because it could have permanently gone up? What's your rationale for why blood pressure could have gone up?

are you a city boi??? You city boiiis not brewing and making your own shit no tyramine is fine, I and plenty of others take MAOIs with tyramine. It does fuck you up a bit if you take vine instead of syrian rue, but its not that bad. What you apparently have to be careful of is SSRIs with MAOIs, but no one has really got evidence to even prove that's bad. Wouldnt try it though.

Leo has said he doesn't have any friends. Go contemplate that one. I think a lot of people who take this work seriously come across as aliens whether they have friends or they don't btw.