electroBeam

Not sure if this belongs here or in the serious problems section. Ok so for the past 2 weeks, I've been in a state of mind that is quite daunting. I've contemplated and deeply deconstructed reality to the point where I'm beginning to be on the cusp of loosing control and going insane. When I'm in the shower, or walking, I'll naturally contemplate(just a habit from when i was a child) and now, as I start to contemplate, I feel massive energy rush up to my brain, and i start to forget the universe. Its like i get dementia. I feel like my universe will explode and I'll be in a mental hospital. I can control it and stop it from happening. I need to constantly think about the universe, and reinforce it in my brain. I need to think about "what's a bed", "what's a tree", "what's sleeping", "what am i as a person". I need to constantly reinforce and think about myself as a person. I need to think about eating, drinking, etc. I'll naturally contemplate, then massive fear comes up about forgetting the entire universe, then ill think about and reinforce what that human thought is, then i feel this strong sense of relief. But this is massively unsustainable. I'm gonna fuck up at some point in the future and forget to reinforce the universe and who i am. And i need to constantly think about it. Its tiring. I know that if i dont think about and reinforce those thoughts, if i forget to or contemplate too deeply - I'm immediately in a hospital ward, I'm absolutely fucked. I'll completely loose control, completely forget about the universe, it will probably never come back, and I'll go absolutely insane. What i feel when im on this cusp is no less intense then a strong psychedelic dose. It would be accurate to say that I'm in a state of mind where i can active 10 grams of shrooms right now... just by not reinforcing the world. So, I don't know what to do. I don't want to go insane, but i cant be like this forever.

If free will exists on the egoic level. If I'm an ego. If you're not an ego, what are you going through?

Excellent!!!!! That's reality beating the delusion out of you! Thank God that you have a stressful job, and a stressful life situation, because if you didn't, you wouldn't had the delusion beaten out of you! And that, would have been a true tragedy. Because its time for you to take your spiritual teachings to the next level! You've been sanctioning a block of time a day for meditation and contemplation, and then doing fuck all for the rest of the day. Now God is telling you DO IT ALL THE TIME! NOT JUST WHEN YOU'RE HAPPY AND PEACEFUL, BUT DO IT WHEN YOU'RE STRESSED, LONELY, CONFRONTING FEAR. If you are only spiritual, and in a deep state of consciousness when you're meditating in the himalayas, then you have spirituality totally fucken wrong. You should be blissful and loving when you're in the trenches, having an insane trip, in the hospital, confronted by police who want to lock you up in jail, confronted by deadly bosses. You must, absolutely must, take your spirituality to the next level and use it to confront all these things instead of avoiding them! The situation you're in now, isn't a mistake, its the next stage of your spiritual growth and development. Its time for you to take embodiment seriously.

you can't, but can You oh you're asking for trouble, buddy.

@PeaceOut96 ooo you seem like a seeker like me. Very ambitious, very driven, willing to put your life on the line to get it all. Willing to experiment and enter unknown territories and take massive risks that could end up extremely deadly. Like an adventurous viking setting sail to a new, hostile continent, knowing the risks. This made me particularly unique compared to most others (or others I thought existed) which was extremely uncomfortable. Had to just believe in and hope I know what I'm doing, without relying on other teachers, friends, doctors or family for approval and support. My biggest challenge on this path is(well was) the fear of being too reckless and burning myself out. Lots of people told me I was. I think the greatest triumph that's happened on my particular path till date, was believing in myself, and going full steam ahead even with the disapproval of the naysayers. Fortunately there was a couple of spiritual teachers who really helped me through it. Without them it would have been very tough. I took a very high dose of syrian rue, which on here got a lot of disapproval. Yet that trip, while it triggered stuff that was scary as fuck, was THE trip that transformed my life. It was the best thing that happened to me. Which goes to show, sometimes you need to be willing to do what others are afraid to do. I think taking a high dose of acid is nothing, and if you feel the need to do it, go for it. Don't let anyone stop you. Whatever happens, whether you have an amazing trip, or end up in hospital, its all a massive opportunity to grow, learn and wake up.

@VeganAwake at the time, im not sure eckhart tolle would have done it for me. These were the last moments the entire universe was about to dissolve. The ego didn't know what that was gonna be like, so it dreamt up stories about insanity that seemed extremely true considering the entire world dissolving for an ego = undefined land. Chilling out would have rapidly increased the dissolving of the universe, that's actually what caused the insanity, was chilling out and letting go, and those things = massive existential fear. So at the time, I would have been scared as fuck to just chill out. It would have been the last thing I wanted to do. You need to rip the bandaid off quick and fast in such a scenario. You need to jump into it very quickly. The slower you go, the more painful it is. Also there was(and even after) massive massive massive amounts of bliss energy that was dissolving everything. And its very hard to just chill and relax when massive waves of bliss energy are destroying the entire universe, or making you have dementia or go insane or get some disorder like schizophrenia, as the ego assumed. Especially when you're in the matrix and you're driving, or going to the gym, or working. Having that happen in a meeting while you believe the 3D matrix is real, is not something you can just chill and relax over hahahah. It will be very intense and traumatic(until of course, the ego dies, and all the karma and trauma and fear dies along with it), and that's the way it is, that's what you have to accept, and you need to face it head on. And no one can convince you its gonna be ok on the other side, because your ego cannot fathom the other side. Of course, that's why the ego dies on the other side.

This is just my 2cents. Don't take it too seriously if it doesn't help you. I'll just be blunt because can't figure out a way to say it softly. chakras don't absolutely exist. enzymes don't absolutely exist. your skin turning pale doesn't absolutely exist. What's going on here, maybe, is the ego is about to die and you're about to wake up, and your ego is grasping at the straws to try and keep the illusory 3D matrix going. Its using all sorts of stories about you getting damaged and the likes, just to hold on. And you're falling for them, in a huge way. And THATS the problem. Not the damage, but you believing your ego about the stories of damage. Did you actually go to the hospital? Or are you writing that here for dramatic effect? Yep. You need to stop putting thought over feeling. You need to feel deep into your body, drop EVERY single thought that arises, including ones like "did I just serotonin overdose and die" "did this psychedelic just damage my chakras" "did I just destroy my brain by taking mushrooms" "omg taking these mushrooms were a mistake" "what are my family gonna think of me" "how am I gonna hide what I do" "how will i survive in life if I'm damaged". You must not listen to other people. You cannot listen to doctors, therapists, and even people on here. The only ones you can listen to, are the ones supporting you to put feeling over thought. Especially in the vulnerable state you're in now. Read Nahm's reply here. Because I think its very relevant to you. I get that this is radical. It feels super radical to literally stop listening to every thought from the 3D matrix. You have to let go of deeply held beliefs like getting cancer, dementia, going insane. You need to let them go as if they don't exist. It feels super insane and radical, but you can do it. Just let go and dissolve into it.

What's a way of re contextualising or rethinking healing in a way where its not centred around human or ego or partial identification of the universal mind/God? In other words, what are some some healing resources centred around universal identification?

If you want to be disciplined as an artistic type you need to let go and get into the flow state...

same for your girl's private parts?

@FortisFortunaAdiuvat woah thats an awesome insight you discovered! Thanks for sharing!

Better to be a kid then an adult.

So still lots of work to be done. Noticed something interesting though: 1. My desire for knowledge from external sources is social conditioning. What I truly want to do is rest in infinity/unconditional love. There is no need to look at external sources to figure out how to do that. Just fricken do it. 2. There are lots of 'subtle dualities' which need to be dissolved or released. For example I can see myself in other humans, yet if a spider is about to bite me, I the state where you see everything as you goes away. To deepen the experience, you need to see God in things even when it threatens the body. 3. There is still slight agendas that pop up here and there that stop the full release and free flowing of consciousness. 4. certain work can reduce the non dual state. 5. still have a very active and problematic mind. Still thoughts going like nuts. To 'solve' this, honestly, you know how to do it. You don't have to read books or ask people. What works for you is: contemplation, letting go, feeling the body. placing feeling over thought. That's it. That works like a charm. Just do it. Recount of waking up process: Insanity and going crazy and dissolving states of consciousness, etc. is just waking up to the fact that appearances are all there is, and you are the appearances. And the appearances are intelligent love. Yet the ego did not realise this. The ego cannot fathom such a state of consciousness. And so the only thing it thinks when waking up happens is 'insanity'. Insanity means undefined to the ego. The last moments of waking up were as follows: Ego felt like it was retiring, dying, much the same feeling as being in palliative care. It also felt like it was gonna explode. Or the entire universe would. It also thought it was going insane and into a hospital ward (because it didn't understand undefined). Yet as soon as waking up happened, the identity died with all of the fears it had. And so no matter how freaked out it was, it didnt matter in the end, because its fears died along with it. But even after waking up, the body was complaining. Every night after waking up, a massive massive rush of energy filled the body up. It was massive bright dissolving energy. It was dissolving shit at the rate of knots. There was a very high amount of existential fear... but no one to care. And so the existential fear was there, but it was detached. And the energy was allowed to do its thing as consciousness just peacefully watched. But even after waking up, there is still lots of identification and ego that needs to be shed. As described above.

@Opo your good insight is peeling away my high self esteem.

I want you to spend 30 minutes imagining your perfect self. I want you to imagine what mindset you have, are you a positive thinker? When things go wrong, what do you think? How do you approach life? When someone dies, what does your perfect self do? How does your perfect self show compassion? What does your perfect self say to the loved ones of that dead person? When someone is lonely on the street, what does your perfect self say to that person? What does your perfect self do? When you're driving and your car breaks down, right before a huge meeting at work, what does your perfect self do? When you're in the shopping centre and your perfect self sees a kid, lonely, lost from her mum, crying in a corner, what does your perfect self do? When you are out in the park, and you see a bunch of kids stepping out a bunch of ants for fun, what does your perfect self do? What does your perfect self think? What does your perfect self say? How does your perfect self feel? When your perfect self's girlfriend gets bullied at school, what does your perfect self think? Say? Do? Feel? How about enlightenment? Is your perfect self enlightened? God realized? How does your perfect enlightened God realized self see the world? Does he see the entire existence at once as being himself and one? Does he see all children as his own? Is the only desire for your perfect, God realized self to love each every being your perfect self comes into contact with? Does your perfect self just fully let go into the present moment, fully let go of control of everything, let go of his ego, his agenda, his beliefs, his views, his life, just so he can make room to love each and every thing in the universe? Just really really feel that now. Feel who your perfect self is. Do it for 30 minutes. Now your perfect self sees a user on the forum called Raptorsin16, and Raptonsin16 writes: " I'm currently 25 and i'm struggling with maturing into a functioning adult and overcoming some ego developmental issues. I live at home and over the past few months i've fallen into a serious rut and i'm pretty paralyzed with moving forward with my life. Although i'm 25, i'd say emotionally/maturity wise i'm still a teenager/child. I struggle with feelings of envy, shame, and a deep feelings of insecurity and worthlessness. When i look at job postings or think about my future, i just think/feel that i'm so far behind and i just feel hopeless and stop the search and look for an escape (mainly through food and video games). My parents mean well and they do their best, but i've been a huge devil in my life, and especially recently. I really resent my parents for how i turned out. I feel like a complete failure and loser, and i'm so ashamed for things have turned out so far in my life, and I blame/resent my parents for how they raised me and what they let happen. My thought process is completely toxic, and my habits are toxic as well (poor diet and little exercise), I take no responsibility for my life, and i'm a perpetual victim as well. The worst part is that i just feel helpless and hopeless, and i have strong desire/motivation to change. I know my life's a mess and i want to be happy and functional, but whenever i think of what it takes to get going, or make some progress, i just feel overwhelmed and give up. I feel like there's a million areas of my life that need improvement, but given what i've read on development there's definitely a hierarchy of stuff to work on, so i'm curious if anyone has resources or ideas on where to put my focus on improving." What would your perfect self do? What would your perfect self want? What would your perfect self feel? What would your perfect self say to this user?

totally agree with you Your back muscles are pleading for you to listen to them and give them attention. Just feel very deeply into them during the day. So much so that you start to feel bliss there. Your emotions are pleading for you to listen to them and give them attention. Just feel very deeply into them during the day. So much so that you start to feel bliss there. The beginning of accepting the present moment, love it!

@preventingdiabetes I personally believe you should stop listening to your head so much and start listening to your heart. Your heart knows all of your answers.

Its better to have high self esteem then low self esteem. Totally get you. I use to feel that way alot and still do. You've got some wisdom to sort of notice that, that idea of the perfect disciplined man/woman is imaginary and doesn't exist. Even though you're not totally on board with it yet. To be honest kid... real disciple doesn't come from thrusting yourself into some ideal that you may believe came from you, but actually came from your social conditioning. Real discipline comes from the willingness to LET GO of the social ideals, the beliefs, the dogmas about what you have been indoctrinated into thinking you should be, or should be doing. Real discipline flows naturally. Its what happens by default when you stop getting in the way. Real discipline is a beautiful, free flowing river, that's running down the rocks as part of its nature. Its not a dam. It doesn't have barricades preventing it from flowing. And what you're doing is trying to make the river flow freely using barricades.

The greatest and most powerful weapon the bully has, isn't on what he's capable of believing about you or what he's capable of doing to you. Nor is it his power to convince others to believe in things about you, or convince others what to do to you. His greatest power, is what he can convince you to believe about yourself. The bully is motivated by fear. His whole gameplan is to you use to avoid his own fears, insecurities, traumas and self hatred. To overcome the bully, you need to be willing to be what the bully isn't. You need to have: self respect, self worth, no fear in who the bully is or what he stands for, no fear in the bully's friends. And most importantly, you need to be at peace with yourself. You need to feel in your bones that you are a good guy/girl, you haven't done anything in the past to deserve the bullying, or at the very least, you've forgiven yourself for those things, and there's nothing the bully can convince you of about yourself.

Maybe that's because its not quite awakening but half awakening. Rest assured, in a deeper awakening, there are no people to explain stuff to at all!

Yep exact same here. It doesn't really matter what other people experience. What other people experience is literally made up/isn't real, so trying to replicate that is silly.

definitely resonate with the appearance part.

Do you desire creating an apparent self, and apparent others though? Or would you rather let those go to make room to create things even cooler than those such as extra dimensional beings.

thanks for that pointer, yep. Another paradox is, letting go of thoughts and beliefs that don't align with truth is a form of creation.

Yep, its just there is more work that can be done, more love to generate and spread, yet the inner kriya or effort has to come from oneness rather than the 1st half of 2ness. You can't really grow 2ness because its not there. The discord between what's happening with appearances and truth cannot really be ignored. You're fully immersed into the appearances and if there's a cry for help, misalignment, you feel it straight away. You can feel the discord, yet you can only actualize the compassion through the body and mind. Which is a strange paradox because the 3D matrix is only beyond appearance. It doesn't make sense to heal through being a healer or any other profession when that's all pretend. The healer is pretend, the other person is pretend. The real work is correcting the story as a whole rather than 'helping people' so to speak. Because lets face it, they are all you just pretending to not be you. We want to help what they are, not what they pretend to be. You are the creator, as everything beyond appearance is projected by you, but to take things to the next level, you need to change what's being created so that you're doing it consciously and aligned with truth rather than unconsciously and aligned with falsehood. That's something I'm confused on. Because it feels like the more I let go, the more I create in alignment with truth. Law of One/Ra and Bashar and all the spooky teachers are weirdly becoming more relevant in my life atm hahaha.