Random-Hero95

Hey reader. Thanks for checking out this post and giving me your time of day. I think the best way for me to do this, is lay it all out there, write as it comes to mind, and then hopefully you'll be able to give me your perspective on my current situation. So, I'm a 22 year old male. I've been working in a hedge fund since I turned 21, and I'm about to turn 23 this summer. I work in equity research, but relative to the industry, I'd say I'm in quite a good spot (rarely overworked, treated kindly, etc). I've been a musician since I was a teen, and I'm very passionate about, & a current practitioner of martial arts. I've taken a lot of time to understand myself, and I guess I've learned a lot too through my work, hobbies, and environment. I've travelled alone, starting investing in markets last summer (to develop that steel stomach portfolio managers have, ha), competed in many numerous martial arts tournaments, and played a lot of live gigs too. Already, I'm finding it hard to fully portray myself to you in the way in which I wish to (less cocky, more confident), but let's go with it. I'm quite a mature individual. I'm emotionally intelligent, and despite the fact I'm still young, I've gained a lot of life experience. I think this stems from my hunger to achieve my goals over the next few years, and to work as hard as my parents did when they came to the UK as immigrants, 40+ years ago. You know, I want the core three things in life - even if there's no certainty I wont have them. A family, a home, and a successful job. Even if I die at 25, or if I never love till I'm 40, I never want to take anything for granted. I've come to know myself really well, and I've found that after talking to elder individuals, I'm in quite a unique position right now. This is mainly due to a lot of my age group still being in university/unemployed - or graduating in something they're not content with, and chasing a half hearted adopted passion. This is where the problem begins when it comes to dating. I've dated a lot over the past few years. I've loved, I've lost, and I've learned. My dating experience has also, taught me a lot about myself, but I've never been in a long term relationship. I've been "single" for the past 6 years, and I've never had a "girlfriend". I've had flings, and situations where I've dated someone for a few months, but we've never committed. This has all been mainly from dating apps/interactions in person with girls I've met (in clubs, parks, etc). I know that sometimes it's my fault these things don't work out - I make bad choices/actions/decisions and vice versa. I feel like I wasn't ready up until 2 years ago, once I starting working at the fund, but since then I have been. Ultimately, I've found myself ready to properly settle down and find myself a long term girlfriend. Someone with a passion, hobbies, and who's caring (etc). I find that a majority of the girls I date now are far below where I am in my life, and they find it intimidating when they hear me discuss everything listed above, passionately. I.e, I tell them about my experiences with gigs and playing guitar in front of large crowds, or winning gold medals at martial arts etc, and they just continuously compare what they've achieved to me. This has honestly been the feedback I receive after a few dates. It hurts at times, but I obviously understand where they're coming from. A relationship needs balance, and I've learned that a disparity between where we are in our lives wouldn't be the best for a relationship. So here's my question for you guys. I've decided to give up on finding a girlfriend, and just continue to focus on myself. Am I making the right decision? Or do I carry on trying to take on opportunities, and throw myself out there more? Keep swiping, keep trying, so on, so forth. I'm really not trying to suggest that every girl out there is below me, I promise. I'm just saying that I keep meeting the wrong kind of girls, and it's really becoming tiring/frustrating. Sorry for making this long winded, and I f*cking suck at writing these things, but I'm more than happy to reply to any questions you guys throw at me. Happy Easter weekend, and I hope you have a lovely day - RH. xx

Sup, here's a question for all you online daters. If you're comfortable with it, post your success rate using apps such as bumble, tinder, Okc, etc. When I define success rate, I mean on an average of 100 swipes to the right, how many matches do you get. Reason I'm asking? Mine's recently been quite low. I know, the chances are my profile sucks and needs some work, but I'm just asking out of curiosity more than anything .

Firstly, does your mum know about your mental illness? I mean, I was depressed and suffered from panic attacks for years. My parents never knew. There were times where I'd lash out at them or be rude to them just out of mood rather than intent. I kept telling myself they would understand. Years on, I finally realised that I should have been honest from the start, making our relationship a lot more transparent and clearing the air. Once I did, they were very welcoming and looked at me lighter than before. It's a hard conversation, because they don't experience it, but once you really try your best to emphasise the message, it'll stick. So I advise you do so, if you haven't already. Secondly, I don't think your mum is trying to push you to succeed for validation, it seems that she genuinely cares how you'll turn out. I wouldn't take what she says as her true feelings, as it seems like she's just projecting her concerns through emotional tantrums. Yes, her words are harsh, but like you said, she's mentally suffering too. I wouldn't advise you live with your brother either, she's right in that department. Look, if your brother really is a fuck up, you have these issues, and so does she, this is what I'd do. Seek a counsellor, a friend, a mentor, a previous teacher, or someone you can talk to, to understand your mental illnesses and hopefully start some rehab. Have that conversation with your mum, and let her know what's been going on. Sit her down, and be open and concise. Stick with your mum, and show her you're trying. Abandoning her with a negative sentiment will hurt in the long term. I know it's hard given she has your Grandma in her ear the whole time, but I'd stick around to show her you're doing your best. Keep pursuing a job, and doing your best to get your career started. If you fail interviews, keep applying and don't give up. Do it more for yourself than for your mother though. I.e, don't settle for a role you're not content with for the long term. There's only so much you can do in this situation. She's definitely in the wrong for the way she's been treating you, don't get me wrong, but you have to mend yourself first, and then the relationship between you. From experience, it's the only way things will get better. Do not make any rash decisions that'll have a long term impact. Broken families are the worst. Keep me posted on your situation.

@The White Belt Niicccceeee, gj my dude.

A-men

Well... how did it go?

hey, yeah, us Europeans are quite conservative and not as flirtatious in person compared to Americans... i'd say jump on a dating app? i'm sure you'll get a ton of matches/likes, and then maybe you could go on a blind date and enjoy yourself don't worry about being a virgin, you'll lose it when you're ready, and when the times right good luck

Dude. Just go with the flow man. Don't force it, don't rush it. Don't go in with a game plan. Don't go in expecting anything. It'll happen naturally, when it happens. Don't read those articles either, they're quite subjective and may not be relative to your situation. If the time is right, cuddling will lead to kissing, kissing to foreplay, foreplay to sex. Like I said, just gooooo wittthhhhh theeee flooowww and don't over think anything.

This is the issue, in my opinion. I'm completely with you, but do you feel like she's with this person for the reason above? Honestly though dude, I wouldn't advise being friends with ex lovers. It just doesn't work out well. Your mind tends to float and consider the what if's on a regular basis, thus always leaving you with a chip on your shoulder. I suggest you slowly detach yourself from playing the shoulder to cry on. It isn't healthy, for either of you. (And definitely do not be the guy she cheats on her boyfriend with).

@Haumea That's great advice. My current peer group is 4 guys, 2 girls, where the 2 girls have boyfriends. I don't think they'd be keen to expand, but maybe I could branch out and look for a new circle too. I've always shared that thought, but never put it into practise given my focus right now. I'll try to make it happen. Have a nice weekend.

@aurum Time may be the issue. Has your strategy for getting a girlfriend worked so far? I haven't learned how to emotionally let go. I know that's something I need to, and will work on. Thanks for giving me that reminder. In regards to social media, I'm a ghost. I used to be the type to flood IG, FB etc with tons of photos, capturing pictures in my life etc, and putting up humorous photos, but I've just wiped it all off and decided to keep quiet. The social media detox has been inspired by my exam, but has actually been quite enjoyable so far. Thanks a lot Austin. Let's keep in touch.

@UDT Haha, I don't get over worked, which is one of the reasons why I'm looking to move roles right now. It's too soon to become complacent, and I'm looking to grow as an analyst. I really appreciate the message, and I've taken all of it on board. I loved the cheeky finance references too. Although, in regards to your first point, I believe you made an error. Stating "Continue to focus on yourself (by which you mean your career & health and hobbies I assume), get lucky and find a good girl or don´t" followed by "Will bring guaranteed return (like a treasury bond), if you can wait until maturity (let it be another 6 years) it is likely that you find a girl along the way if you are not shy" is quite contradictory? I mean, if we're not taking the idea of having a positive career (which isn't the goal I'm posing in my question) into consideration, it's not a guaranteed return as life unfortunately isn't perpetual. I can try my hardest as long as I live, but who knows how long I'll stay single. I'm deffo keen to follow option two - did you ever experience the paradigm shift? Man, fuck option three. How old are you? Where do you currently work? You sound like you work with FI/Derivatives. I'm more equities based... looking to explore that side to me in the future. I've got the CFA in June, does this help you further understand my schedule and focus right now?

You're not being replaced. He's willing to network and meet new people, whilst you aren't. That's down to you. You can't be reliant on one person, and expect them to be there forever and always. Realise that you have to be content on being on your own, and you have to accept that he won't always be there for you, despite your relationship. Best, RH xx

@brovakhiin Hey man! Thanks for this reply, it really made me smile when you considered me a high status guy. Believe me, I'm far from it. I've just matured quickly and made good decisions - so far anyways (cue the vodka and vitamins). When focusing on myself, it means dedicating my free time - outside of work which takes up a lot of time - pursuing and spending a lot more time on personal ventures, hobbies and activities. When going out, it focuses predominantly on me trying to meet girls, dating them, putting the energy into getting to know them, etc, etc. I value time, and I value how I spend it. If I commit to dating, I put in the effort to try and make it work. Romance, good planning, fun dates. If I commit to self development, I put effort into my schedule of working on areas I feel like I need to perfect, and take it from there. I never thought of going out, developing my game and meeting women as part of focusing on myself, but I sure as hell will now! Do you think I'm not necessarily taking advantage of my youth? I recently had a bad experience with alcohol, so drinking has been put on the back burner, but generally I tend to go out and meet girls and pull them. The problem is I just don't value that experience anymore. I've done the whole one night stand thing, and it just bores me. I want something real, valuable, and long term. Ja feel? Thank you once again for the reply x

@aurum Hey Austin! Thank you for taking the time to reply. I think it's mainly because I find myself being in the same situation, over, and over again, and I want a break from it. The situation being, I meet a cool girl, go on a few dates, get to know her, realise we are in different places in life, and then part ways. I totally get your point, but I'm either in or out, mentally. Here's an example, if I'm looking for someone to make my girlfriend, on a night where I'll hit the club I'll aim to pull a girl, sleep with her, and hopefully text her the following few days after to start some sort of dating venture. If I'm going with a purely single mind set, I just go to enjoy myself and have a good time out with my friends. I can't separate the two, and that's my issue. The reverse engineering strategy is quite cool and I like it. Unfortunately, it's just the time and energy that I can't bear to waste. Especially till June away. I have a huge exam in which I need to dedicate a lot of time to, and I guess swiping on tinder is far easier than chasing my dream girl. I'll take this advice on board and implement it when free. You're right about the high quality dating life. Do you feel as if I should resort to detaching myself from online dating completely? And just focus on making a move, and approaching girls in person more often? Thank you once again for the kind and swift reply sir!

@Frylock I do have a problem letting go, and just being "in it". I tend to always be switched on, thinking of something or being too analytical. It's a blessing and a curse, but it's nice to have someone who understands. You're right on the improving my game part. I mean, it's never an issue for me to get with a girl, make a move, or find something to talk about etc. It's just the value of the conversation and it's direction that's missing. What would you say makes you think you've wasted years of your life? I'm intrigued by that last line, and I want to hear more.

@Spiral Most 23 year old's do tend to be employed, it's just in something they don't really enjoy. I agree with you when you say they're immature as fuck haha! I feel like I have gotten trapped, and I don't mind being here. I spend my time wisely & diligently on work, and I make sure I do have enough time to "live" and enjoy life. The advice you have provided is great, and I'll take it on board. I just find myself talking a lot, because I have a lot to talk about, and they don't haha. That's the issue. Believe me, I'll ask every question in response, and I don't ever try and make a date about my life experiences, but it's just that they don't have much to offer. No wild stories, no adventures, no strong interests. Ja feel? I do agree that I feel as if I make things like an interview, rather than going with the flow. I guess that's just the attitude I've adopted from working in a Hedge fund... Thanks a lot for the kind advice and taking your time to respond, friend.

Because she was born looking hot (facial aesthetics mainly). She has the choice to be a nice individual. You can find both ends of the spectrum - hot girls with nasty personalities, and hot girls with lovely personalities.

Sorry - I didn't see this, but I thought I'd comment. I think you're in the position where you're still working on yourself, and you're still a doer, rather than an achiever. It seems like you've got so much you want to do and achieve, but you haven't accomplished it yet. Is this fair to say? I.e, Have you started a martial art? Are you close to being a black belt? Or still fairly new? Are you physically fit right now? Low body fat? Strong and lean? You haven't started or gained your masters degree yet. You still have to practise gymnastics. You haven't travelled much either yet, but you want to. You're yet to become a public speaker etc. Now the point is, once you accomplish, or you're close to accomplishment of these objectives... at least the latter, the more confident you'll be in yourself, and the hotter the girl will be that you'll end up with.

The only way you tie down a hot girl, is being a hot guy yourself. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but if you share the basic common traits that most hot guys have, you'd be alright. It all starts with working on yourself really. Try to live a fitter lifestyle/ Read more to obtain more knowledge/ Participate or take on adventurous and cool hobbies, and once you put it all together, you're close to the whole package. I'd say to get the most out of this, do everything I've suggested for yourself, rather than for the validation of others. The better you feel about yourself, the easier they'll come. I worked in Abercrombie & Fitch and Hollister for 3 years. I started off as a back stock boy, skinny, clueless about university, and generally didn't really have much going for me. I worked on myself, and suddenly they pushed me to be a floor model, and everyone knew who I was. It was weird, but inadvertently working on me, for me, made others notice. So yeah, base line advice is spend some time working on yourself rather than trying to pull these hot girls. Just ask yourself, when they look at you, what do they see? What can you improve on? etc, etc. RH xx

I know how you feel. Right now, we're in the kind of society where it's pretty hard to dodge entertainment, so don't worry if you're constantly being showered by it. Firstly, you've addressed the matter, and you're aware how immersed you are right now, which is good. You've also realised the worst part - it's not intellectually stimulating. Secondly, don't feel as if you completely need to detach yourself from everything, that's the last thing you want to do. Here's what I'd suggest; Focus on what you're listening to, or what you're reading/watching/etc. If you're listening to a podcast, make it one that's educational, or something that can carry some substance within your field of practise. If you enjoy, or you're into clinical psychology, listen to Joe Rogan ft Jordan Peterson. If you're studying to be a doctor, fall asleep watching a documentary, you get the idea. Next, once you're content with the entertainment in your life, start to shorten it by self control. I went through a period where I turned my phone off for the majority of the day, and I'd only have it on during set hours. Why? So I'd appreciate and enjoy the finer things in life, people watch, embrace my surroundings, etc. Fall asleep with nothing in the background, and all the lights off. One step at a time, acknowledge and eradicate each thing slowly one by one, until you've lessened your entertainment intake by 60%. It's easier said than done, but it'll become a natural habit over time. Another good example is, don't turn on your phone until 2 hours have passed since you've woken up. Instead, go for a run, do a home work out, shower and have breakfast - all with no background noise/entertainment. You can do it, it's all in your hands. I'd also say plan a trip away, and keep your phone off for the whole weekend. I went away on my own for 3 days. I sat down and informed my parents where I'd be staying, where I'd be travelling to, and who to call in case of an emergency, (Airbnb). I had no issues, and it was the best weekend I had in a while. The detox felt great, and I really felt at one with life. I'm no expert, but like I said, I know how you feel. You'll figure it out - I'm not worried about you.

"Something more than superficial, that's all I want" - Jonathon Ng