DMM710

I’ll check this out. It might end up being one of the of the only ways to do them for me. Ideally I’d like to do them solo though. I don’t think I’d be worried going into it. I feel like I’m definitely ready. I’m hoping for good results, but if something bad happens then I’ll get through it

I would do acid if I am unable to find mushrooms. But it’s a bitch to find either one of them. Once they come around my area I’ll definitely be doing one of the two. In the mean time I guess I’ll just focus on meditation/yoga and watching more videos/reading. That way when they do finally come around I’ll be mentally sharp. Hopefully I don’t bitch out by that point lots lots of useful stuff in here, if I do ever find either one I’ll be come back and check some of the pointers on here.

Watching one of Leo’s videos he says “sure this body will die, these perceptions will go away. What will happen then? That’s part of infinity, my death is part of infinity.” So consciousness shuts off, and you’ll no longer be able to experience this infinity.. Unless it’s like a reincarnation kind of thing? How is this still not sad as fuck and scary? You’re only able to see this infinity through some form of consciousness, right...?

Would mushrooms be the best one to go with for my first trip? And I’m on my phone in class right now. I’ll respond to those posts after

It’s like I Can see myself not being the mind or the body, but I can’t really see being infinite and eternal. Or being everything. I have this “phenomenal field” as Leo puts it, so like.. all I have is what’s right in front of me, how could I be everything? Idk I just can’t believe it or understand it. I know you can’t by just thinking about it. So then when I’m completely absent of thoughts, Why don’t I just embody what I am? Isn’t thinking what would cause that perspective change? And if I’m an infinite eternal being then why do I not control or know what happens, or what exists beyond what I’ve seen or what’s in front of me?

It might, mushrooms have been used to treat anxiety and depression with a lot of success. It's not that I have to develop social skills, I'm a server at a restaurant, I speak in class all the time.. Like i'm actually comfortable with my personality when I'm not stuck in self doubt or negative thinking. It feels very random, one day i'm smooth as fuck and the next day I'm second guessing everything I say and do. Thank you, I'm starting yoga today and I'll be checking out some of the other stuff you have here after work.

huh? It's just a blank post to me lol

I actually wasn't familiar at all with real yoga, after I replied I looked at his video. A couple minutes In I was like "oh shit, I actually have no idea what this is about" so I tried deleting my comment. I was like yessss this sounds so promising, then I found out I would have to buy the book list + the book (which isn't cheap if it's the one I think it is) But I don't know for sure, and that's a pretty big investment for just wanting to check it out. I understand though, he's gotta make a living. I'm grateful for all the free content and stuff, it's been very helpful for me. But yea, i'm kinda broke right now. I just started meditating, maybe after a couple months and a mushroom trip I'll gain more momentum. But yea.. I'm trying to change strategy dude. That's why I started meditating, that's why I'm considering mushrooms, that's why I went to that nutritionist, that's why I watch all these videos and stuff.. I'm looking for that strategy or combination of strategies that I can really put my focus into so I can see results. That's the problem, if there was like a step by step manual for over coming my problem I would put in as much time as it takes, I just can't figure out what things I should be putting my effort into. And she put me on a low arginine/modified vegan diet. Apparently this was that best diet for me based my blood type and a saliva swab she took. I lost 65 lbs since I started doing it, but I could definitely clean it up a bit.

The thing is I’m actually really good at conversing with people at my core. My issue is consistency. Sometimes I’m like buttery smooth, and can talk to people effortlessly. And other times I’m like totally awkward as shit. When I’m in that buttery smooth state I notice I’m not in my head at all. But it’s very difficult to enter that state when my anxious thinking builds momentum. Another thing I noticed is that I’ll be quite anxious when I first get to work, around my co workers and my tables. After 2-3 hours I’ll almost always start feeling effortless and not self critical at all. I wish I could like, warm up to that point at home, without actually having to feel super uncomfortable for a couple hours. Also, group therapy can be counter productive for social anxiety because it’s a lot of people sharing negative experiences and thinking patterns that just reinforce your own negative thinking. I was in therapy for years, the neurosis/morality videos alone helped with my own suffering 1000x more than therapy ever did.

I’m totally open to what ever happens. I feel like I’ve gotten a pretty good grasp of how thought works at this point. I’ve watched and rewatched easily over 100 hours of Leo’s videos, I have one note with tons of notes and insights I’ve gotten from them. I’ve proven to myself that beliefs are a load of shit, I’ve been able to stop my neurotic thinking in certain parts of myself that have been fucking with me for as long as I can remember. But I still have a hard time abandoning false thoughts and beliefs when I’m actually in social situations. In fact I don’t even see the thoughts like I do when I’m alone, they just unconsciously roll in the background and make me super uncomfortable and over critical of myself. How did they actually help with your anxiety? Like what insights did you take away from your trip?

So I’ve spent many many many hours thinking about the effect opinions have on me. I’ve proved to myself many times a day, for years now (easily 3+ years at this point) that opinions don’t effect me in any way. I’ve also proved to myself that my self image is a story, and doesn’t exist over and over again. And to a certain degree it has helped me. After some anxiety provoking situation I can easily pick it apart and not let it occupy my mind like it used to. I started meditating around 3 weeks ago, and do 40-60 minutes a day. That had helped me a shit load. But I still get very anxious in social situations (not all the time, but a good amount of the time) so clearly some part of me still believes that someone’s opinion of me is somehow going to harm me. Maybe I could use “I am independent of the good or bad opinion of others” or some other affirmation to kinda drill what I already know into my subconscious mind? Anyone have any experience with affirmations? I know Leo made a video on them, but it was 4 years ago.. Who knows if he still advocates them