Tarzan

I made the mistake last autumn and started to basically force myself to do kriya sessions with a 'kill-the-ego' Jed McKenna'esque zeal. Did like 1h+ sessions. At first tried to be strict but then started to explore the technique and let intuition guide through it. Then learned some tidbits from SantataGamanas books. Breathing and focusing solely on point between eyebrows (head chakra) and 'knocking' on it with 6 oms every in and out breath. But I freestyled it and started to switch between head and crown chakra which had an orgasmic effect to it, pure bliss, but it was not lasting, and some sessions felt really painful emotionally, like I was going crazy inside before I came to that point. Finished sessions with yoni mudra, also recklessly focusing on crown chakra. I later learned that going too quickly towards crown can have serious negative effects. Throws your energy off balance, basically too much upper chakras focus and not enough lower chakras or something like that. Then again it produced some natural highs I can compare to peak psych experiences (ego death, 'falling into void or sky' that was very similar to 5meo breakthrough, and also energy focused on abdominal area and a powerful sense that I am the devil and that I had all the power of the world like I'm going to get what I want no matter the consequences - kind of stuff) right after yoni mudra (also done recklessly, I think like 3 yoni mudras in a row focused on crown chakra after having done 1h of pranayama got me those peaks) but more 'clean' so to speak, but still fleeting as I feel kriya can get you to peak states very quickly, but unless you deliberately remain there then it wont have much effect outside sessions. Negative side effects started coming, I did a deep dive into experimenting with kriya after 5meo breakthrough. But I started to feel extremely depressed, lots of mood swings, and weird bodily sensations, like a cracked out feeling in my head, etc. But also very profound peace, and ineffable states of pure bliss outside of kriya sessions in daily life aswell. But it was too uncontrolled, very rollercoastery with my emotional state, i started to become disfunctional with work, took a brake from school, made an irrational decision to move cities during covid and leave old study-career plan behind without much financial security, ended up as a bolt delivery driver for a fee months before returning). I went down some really really bad places emotionally, like 10/10 nihilistic depression holes. But they passed when I somehow accepted these places. And finally I stopped kriya sessions because I needed to start recovering from the symptoms which had become so unbearable I was basically suicidal for most of time. In hindsight I'd say I developed Kundalini syndrome symptoms and aggravated them further by forcing myself to do kriya even when i didnt feel like it. And being too reckless with it. And I let my daily life go through a rollercoaster, basically 1 year wasted i that regard, but lots of peaks and downs, lots of wisdom gathered. Lots of wisdom about the negatives of spiritual work mostly, and what can happen if you take it too quickly too far without having basic needs met and a healthy ego to begin with (finances, social life, sex, etcetc) but it waa covid and I was sick of life so whatever, guess i needed to smack my head against the wall until I decided to begin actually loving myself. Tbh I now kind of understand what probably Connor Murphy has gone through, I feel similar streaks of manic unhinged creativity but I can always control whether or not I let them amok or not. Anyways, lessons from me to you - intuitively working on it good, but don't stray from technique too much, mb they just need time and practice. Probably don't abuse yoni mudra and crown chakra, also kriya supreme fire is abuseable if you have heard from it. Heart chakra, good to focus on (read more from books about this). Also don't neglect basic needs etcetc. And probably the best advice from this response of mine - learn to actually enjoy and love kriya sessions (rather than force yourself to do it). But if your practice doesn't do much for you yet then maybe you need more gasoline to feed the flames so-to-speak (experiment with more powerful techniques, variations), just dont overdo it and learn when to stop. As far as books to have a much better understanding of kriya techniques and stuff read SantataGamanas books on it and def Ennio Nimis' book aswell. To counterbalance them if you do get some negative symptoms then Tara Springett is your gal to turn to (Enlightenment through the Path of Kundalini, Healing Kundalini Syndrome, Higher Consciousnes Healing books). Basically she's no1 person a jhana junkie crackhead like me needed to get myself out of this. But yeah, TLDR kriya yoga works, and doing it your own way is good, but best to read more, to make sure you arent making mistakes and fucking up your energy body.

What the actual fuck is existence

@wwhy Veganism isn't about how meat tastes, not about what our ancestor's ate, or if animal foods are part of the culture, not about our canines or anything like that. If you want to understand why people go vegan then l contemplate on the life POV of the animals that we breed. What would a life of an average cow, pig, chicken in the US, for example, look like from start to finish? Documentaries help. Debating on online forums from your own point of view and whatever arguments you give does absolutely 0 to you. You only feel more secure about your own beliefs. Just saying, I don't think you're openminded about this topic. At least it seems that you aren't.

addiction, it's like avoidance of something, avoidance of what we truly desire, in favour of short term (spiritual) high. Luckily if you're mature enough psychedelics will backfire on you, and so did weed, apparently. Although no need to discount the insights that they helped produce. Do you think weed is particularly more addictive than psychedelics?

When I was like 6 years old or something returning to apartment with mom I was for some reason contemplating on life, why I was here etc. I guess I was becoming self-awaee and also aware that people suffer in life and it rubbed me in a 'wrong way'. But suddenly a major insight just struck me, which was that death is connected to 'finding out the truth', and with enthusiasm I told my mom right then and there with a smile on my face 'I want to die!' not knowing I would spook the heck out of her. Some other experinces where I had a shift in consciousness, it felt ineffable and could not explain to myself just what had happened. Looking back I spontaneously recognized 'the witness' but it was fleeting, also I've always felt very uncomfortable around edges, corners, and sharp things approaching my forehead, I guess they made my third eye uncomfortable, I thought it was just normal back then. Probably a genetic component to it, or some kind of predisposition to be more existentially oriented than most people. But there might be the case that it is more common than we think, but people close themselves out of these experiences for fear of being insane or something like that. Maybe all people have these weird experiences at some point but some of them fear it and close themselves off from them for the rest of their lives, they forget and deny it so much that they think it never even happened to them.

@AdamR95 Sounds like your ego doesn't like where you've been going and giving you an 'invitation' to a place where it can do its backlash thing, but in the end hell isn't 'real' in the sense that it is just a conceptual thought we give to intense fear, grief, despair, intense resistance. Your ego has a cunning way of deceiving that hell is what you're avoiding, but it is love you are avoiding. But hey, it can be quite an experience. It can give you deep lessons on equanimity, teach you gratitude for where you are right now, but it might also end badly. I didn't get there by psychs, just forced myself impatiently to go deeper into kriya after 5MeO potentiated my practice while ignoring I was getting negative side effects in day-to-day life. Messed me up these couple of months, but got some valuable lessons. If it happens badly prepare to potentially be psychwarded and not being able to take care of yourself at work or with people. might take you some time to integrate and revover, months, maybe a year, or two, depends you know. Why do you believe you have to go there?

hahaha wow what an illustration

I took Jonathan Levi's speed reading course. When speed reading your retention and memorization has to be spot on to accommodate very fast reading. Basically the human mind remembers information that is highly connected to existing information, if it has an emotional charge to it it is even better (information connected to people you care about, or about an important project in your work, basically people, maybe it is connected to a traumatic event, or maybe that bit of information helps you dissolve some bit of cognitive dissonance about a topic). Also, if you connect the information with a location then you boost your ability to recall that information IMMENSELY, which is why memory palaces work extremely well, but they take a lot of effort to create by visualizing it. If you take a place you have grown up or have spent a huge amount of time, where lots of things happened for you, maybe your childhood home, then you can use that as your mind palace. Usually when in the past something important has happened to you, it is highly likely you remember exactly where it happened. Next thing, if you code the bit of information into a 'visual note', basically construct a caricature of it then you also boost its retention. For example Finally, spaced repetition, or reviewing information after increasing time periods, For example reviewing your notes of a book 1 month after reading it, then 3 months, 6 months, 12 months and you will likely remember all the important bits you want to retain. Memory palaces imo is the most powerful, but also the most effortful way to remember bits of information. You also need different memory palaces for different books, but it might be worth it if you build your skill in constructing and using them. Imo the easiest method to immediately implement is to just take notes or underline as Leo mentioned. When the book is finished you take time to review, contemplate, and connect that information to what is relevant in your life. You can either just review the notes or read the underlined parts of the book. Then make a plan to review the book maybe a month later, then half a year later, etc. Or you can just use Anki flash card app to remind you when to review it instead. Last May and June I tried to implement what I learned in the speed reading course but it was tough finishing bachelors thesis and I haven't taken up that goal yet, now I'm very relaxed and lazy reading books, bascailly just underlining and reviewing. But tbh that's probably enough already. If your LP or occupation or whatever demands that you learn and remember lots of information but not a lot of contemplation (academic-scholar type work, or studying in college, languages, anatomy (just bits of information not too abstract) etc), then mastering and using these memory techniques can be extremely beneficial. But, as far as I understand, this doesn't work for hard to integrate abstract and difficult concepts, which you can only remember after hard contemplation, and maybe trial-and-error in your own life. Ultimately, you remember the information that is most important and relevant in your own life. You don't need to be a hardass about it like I tried to, just make notes (or underline), and do periodic reviews and contemplate. One of my strengths is 'Input' or a scholarly-like learning style, which I plan to develop more-so, but lol I'm recovering from the worst ego backlash of my life right now so not a priority atm. If you want to dive a bit deeper then read Moonwalking With Einstein, or The Only Skill That Matters by Jonathan Levi. Or consider taking his course. If you have problems learning or memory then they can help.

@levani Thought art has some good points. I think diving into crown chakra too soon might be one nono unless you want to go on a rollercoaster, at least I suspect for me that was the case. But do your own research and get direct experience. Also, it might take some time for the practice to take off.

synthesis of a personal experience by Ennio Nimis. Or Kirya Secrets Revelead by J.C. Stevens is probably used a lot by this forum

Sometimes. Even the toughest points turn into beauty paradoxically

@Villager Albert I've been having recurrent 5Meo-like peaks during night asleep aswell. It probably has to do with melatonin release and metabolism, at least that is my guess. Even after half year, but it probably coincides with my kriya sessions aswell if they go ''deep enough''.

@GreenWoods What do you think about this book? I saw your posts about OBEs etc thought about you lol

no, you can learn it by yourself, a book. But there's a learning curve that might take time. And if you do some things in excess or not at the right time you might get some negative side effects. I know of Ennio Nimis online book, J. C. Stevens and SantataGamanas books that should be solid, ofc you can check online aswell. I think SantataGamanas books are especially valuable to move toward a more intuitive approach to kriya (inner guru). J.C. Stevens is ok, so is Ennio Nimis books on kriya. Ennio Nimis book is feely available as pdf http://www.kriyayogainfo.net/Eng_Downloads1.html I guess a teacher is good as they can quickly coach your technique, but i don't have that experience, and my kriya practice has a life of its own, though I went in too fast and too hard and got emotionally burnt out (went for crown chakra too fast)

I've thought about posting about my experiences with 5MeO, kriya, and heck, my whole journey for awhile now. Usually when there's an inclination to share my thoughts I just contemplate what I expect people to reply and then whatever was behind the intention to post dissolves. Some difficult times atm and I am a crossroads and feel like there has to be some change, I have my intuition but would like some outside perspective. English isn't my first language, and my ability to express myself isn't great aswell - I fly all over the place, you can let me know where to clarify myself. Don't even know where to begin so I'll just share everything. I'll try to concentrate everything into one paragraph and follow it up with separate posts: My journey in a nutshell - 6 year old me becomes self-aware, but doesn't take self-awareness for granted. Puberty with shit social life, didn't relate well with others at all and didn't fit it, but good grades, parents brake up, existential depression with video games and other distractions. Question of existence keeps popping a few times with lots of confusion. Fast forward to university - acid trip - awakening experience - discover actualized.org, learn about enlightenment, psychedelics, 5MeO, meditation. Now self-actualizing and on the path towards Truth (caps T ofc) - practices kriya, trips acid, now 5MeO. Feel intention to focus more time and energy on enlightenment and Life Purpose course. Massive progress with kriya and some progress with LP course, but also with massive side effects that have culminated in, I guess, a major ego backlash or dark night, or both.

I don't know, it feels more unstable and bipolar in a sense. Highs-lows. And last few months I've been going through an existential crisis - ego backlash - dark night. I guess there's light at the end of tunnel and I am slowly starting to see that. I guess periods like this are expected at some point, such an emotional rollercoaster...

@Moksha Balancing letting go of the mind and survival / self-actualization is a challenge

Fyi I wrote those paragraphs like a month ago without posting, lol. Right now I'm doing a lot better, I started to 'vent' or share parts of this to people, being more open about it, and began to restart some habits I dropped for some time (basically all I did some days was just distract myself with yt, streams, etc). Kriya again slowly (from 3x maha mudra - 12 pranayama - followed by self-inquiry-contemplation (intuitive 'feeling' investigation)) to now 2x45min (36 pranayamas) and I feel a lot better at times, but still some disturbing times aswell. I remember like two days ago when I was asleep dreaming, whatever the dream was about, Frank Yang's character appeared and I guess I 'remembered' 5meo trip as suddenly it felt like I was tripping on it, borderline breakthrough, that was pretty wtf. Some periods I am filled with eternal gratitude with everything, just a few days ago before sleep this was so strong I felt like I could love everything, last night during my evening kriya before sleep I tried to force myself to do the session while crying, with intense sadness and confusion, I have never felt this intense sadness in my life. It felt like I knew within my bones that all my dreams and desires are 'dead' and I was going to hell, there was no escape, the only thing to do is to accept this fully, I cried through my eyes and my mouth, but it felt strangely 'pleasant', maybe beautiful in a very depressing way, in a falling-into-the-abyss kind of way. But today is a new day and I'm feeling better than ever, an even stronger taste of 'no-self'. Thanks for reading, If you guys have any insights about me then I appreciate whatever you write back.

It's pretty bad at times, very strong need to change, but with absolutely no clarity as to where. Turns into meaninglessness beyond anything I've experienced yet. Suicidal ideation (been a theme throughout my life, but usually passive, meaning I have never actively pursued it, but right now I've actively thought about how to do it, but not yet taken any action towards it). Some days I'm basically handicapped. Also took a break from Master's program for 1 year, but that's okay. Right now work on LP course pointed that my domain is personal dev, but specifically where idk yet - my best progress has been in fitness and nutrition, most passionate and interested about enlightenment and spirituality. Figured I should give a try becoming a PT and see whether or not a 1-1 coaching medium fits for me, and if the domain itself fits and grows onto me, and that's the main reason to move cities for me (bigger city and better market). I like working out, and focusing on phsycial health and aesthetics, but at the same time it feels meaningless compared to other things like emotional and spiritual lines of development. My top priority is enlightenment, but most of time I've kept a balance between self-actualization and enlightenment. Lately, though, with dark night and etc I feel as though nothing else matters other than enlightenment work, and that I should structure my lfiestyle with it - basically a monk/hermit lifestyle, turning my life into an enlightenment retreat for as long as it feels necessary. And when it gets worth even that doesn't matter anymore. Just holy fuck, how in the hell do I balance enlightenment with everything else. It's a full time job. If I seriously want to pursue enlightenment it feels like everything else has to stand aside, there's a strong inclination to just take the red pill, not half ass, nuke my life and come what may. But then there's the perspective that this is a trap, and a 'middle path' approach actually works best, an integrated life, focusing on all lines - Life Purpose, Interpersonal, Spiritual etc. I will ponder on this more-so, but feel like I value Truth too much to care about other lines of development. At a crossroads.

I'll write about my experiences with 5meo and kriya, and baseline daytime changes in awareness. My first trip was in the beginning of September followed by another one 3 weeks later that was a breakthrough. 15 mg was extraordinary, utterly amazing, but felt not like a breakthrough. But still, a strong sense of 'wow', 'how the fuck', and the like. Falling asleep I had recurring events when I started to fall asleep at night that mirrored the peak of the experience, my visual field got very white. I should also mention that some days I used melatonin to help adjust sleep schedule when it felt I wanted to wake up earlier than usual or to re-adjust to an earlier time-schedule. Melatonin for sure has a potentiating effect for me on these recurring events that mimic 5MeO peaks. As for my consciousness level during the first week I didn't feel much of a difference, but somewhere during the 2nd week after my trip I started noticing something weird and new during kriya pranayama - I felt as though my arms started to grow apart, like there was huge distance between them, at the same time not really feeling my body, almost like it was super silent, and diffuse. I was aware of the progression described in Ingram's MCTB from effortful one-pointedness, effortless one-pointedness, to diffuse peripheral attention and later a synthesis of both. I felt prana moving but weakly, and sometimes I feel that I am not moving anything at all but my 'intentionality' along my spine. I also noticed a shift in consciousness during my daily activities when walking around, commuting etc, aware of awareness, like a lightless light and I guess this is where self-inquiry points towards? On some mornings after waking up during the first weeks I struggled to kickstart my day, journal-meditate-go-to-gym-to-study etc and would just sit at my computer listening to music videos, and there was this utter astonishment that anything like this was possible, profound, painful gratitude and disbelief, like the fact that anything at all is, is too much for me, I would basically just listen to music eyes wide-opened and cry in disbelief. I didn't like it since I had other plans (I as in me, the ego) for the day than to sit and do nothing but be. 18 mg felt very silent at first, was still in a fractal space, but felt very detached. After some time when the peak started to arrive there was a sense of 'lol, this is crazy, undescribably insane, and how insane can this go?' and a concentration into one point, and I remember that there was a falling sensation and it was very white aswell. It felt like nothingness, 'undefined'ness. It was a long time ago now, I don't really have adequate words for it. I remembered as I was 'falling' I began an extremely loud moan, like holy shit here I come! Pretty much an existential orgasm lol. After the peak though immediately fear, confusion, and a sense of 'holy shit, I think I'm in hell and I can't even imagine the terror and pain I am going to go through', and then idk, it seemed like I began to 'chase' after something, I started to vocalize words that didn't mean anything, but were astonishing all the same, it kept me curious, and distracted, which I felt like I needed to keep me away from the intense feeling of fear. After sometime of this I was back to ordinary state, but really fucking disturbed to the latter part of the trip, disturbed but equanimous at the same time, like whatever, that was an interesting turn of events. It was also very interesting how fast and how abrubtly ignorance set in after the peak and I was completely confused as to what the peak experience was. Looking back at it, I was still aware of this existential terror, but pushed it far away and was in denial of what it meant, I didn't understand it anymore. I read SantataGamanas books on Kriya and Kundalini and started to adopt his simpler pranayama along with breath retention practice and kriya bow aswell as maha mudra. My practice consisted of breath retention practice (avg 60-90s), kriya bow, maha mudra 3x, pranayama (108 reps at first, later dropped to 72 and 36) and yoni mudra and also being in the after poise for however I felt like. I should also say that my technique was more organic-inner guru than doing everything specifically correct. for example during pranayama I would feel like I want to focus on crown chakra for some time and then follow up on third eye again for the remainder and felt a difference. It's as if focusing on third eye had more of an emptiness-nothingness feel to it, while focusing on crown was very white - energetic, and orgasmic in a calm and peaceful way. This is where I stepped into some freaky and spooky territory and started having strange experiences. When going by my day, aware of awareness, sometimes it felt very expansive, enormous, peaceful, full of joy but equanimous. Like my field of experiences was filled with a blazing lightless light. It lasted how long it lasted until I fell back to usual consciousness. It seemed as though my kriya experience took off in its own directions aswell, I remember once when I felt really horny and was curious and focused in on this during pranayama and yoni mudra and felt really fucking evil, like I would fuck, destroy, and do anything to get what I wanted to, whatever it was (scary as fuck, but I enjoyed it). Another time I managed to experience samadhi. Walls crushing the objects in my field of consciousness and sense of self together, whatever 'I' was disappeared, best way to describe that was that 'I' simply wasn't there, or that everything was 'I', like everywhere where you looked, heard, felt, was a mirror reflecting 'me'. The freakiest experience was a few months ago during yoni mudra out-breath when it was as if I started 'falling into nothing', very reminiscent of 5MeO experience. Also some dreams felt like awakenings, the first time it happened there was a sudden surge of fear and terror with immediately waking up to it, but I soon realized what had 'happened' and shrugged it off laughingly. In another dream I was riding my bike along a beach balcony or something an had the same shift of consciousness, but this time I let go of my bike and fell arms wide as the dream collapsed into me, kind of like a wall would accelerate and smash into you. Also a dream of me chasing a volleyball I accidentally kicked into the forest, only that the volleyball never seemed to be where I thought it would be. I mean like looking back at these dreams they seem so cartoonishly obvious as to what they point towards lol, at the time I dreamed they seemed very serious. It's not all sunshine though. Some days were quite up-and-down aswell, after kriya session sometimes it took a while to readjust to whatever I had planned for the day. Work, even just cooking food, talking to other people felt really shit, I would feel like doing absolutely nothing during the day. And it was noticeable as people commented on my state. Other days I felt super resistant to doing kriya but pushed myself into it and usually would feel great afterwards. The last two months though have been especially difficult. Some days I felt really fatigued psychologically after gym and kriya session that I basically did nothing but procrastinate on it. I have a low effort job connected to my Master's thesis that covered my basic financial needs and saved some aswell, but it felt like it didn't matter if I showed up at all or did anything at all. Going there and doing anything, talking with anyone around there felt psychologically fatiguing. I did LP course aswell during the months and managed to get some success and insight about myself, and what I wanted to do, though it got more-and-more difficult to focus on figuring out my desires, and do the exercises. I've followed up on everything except vision board, I am not sure anymore whether or not I feel resistant to it, or that my goals and desires feel meaningless, even though. I also feel like my me-sheet was adequate, but still not quite right.

Not too familiar to his exercises, but this seems like self-inquiry, or in other words focus your awareness on awareness itself. Focus on the 'feeling' that there is anything exists at all. His exercises are merely pointing towards this simple shift in your awareness, and from my own experience it does kind of feel like being headless. When you look through your eyes, it seems like things are in front of you. When you 'look' or 'feel' through awareness itself, everything is in front of you, including your face, and the back of your head. Close your eyes, feel your face, touch the back of your head and try to notice that that sensation is in fact 'in front of your awareness', so-to-speak, in front of your awareness-eye (third-eye). Not sure if it works if you haven't meditated or done anything like that

Kiwis? I think heard that they help.

This sounds like some sith-level dark side of the force kind of stuff. Powerful stuff indeed, can confirm this works, although it takes time. I'm not sure but 5MeO might have given an insight or a 'nudge' into how to do it 'right'. Basically found my inner guru so-to-speak, or intuition I guess is another word for that. I'm into spooky territory now and well, integration and ego-backlash take their time and attention. I think SantataGamanas books helped me aswell unwind any bad feelings I had about not having success with kriya because of confusion about the technique. I took my focus off of the technique and started to feel more-so I guess. Its more about the intention, and well, the nuts and bolts of kriya pranayama is breathing in-breathing out slowly basically while taking your attention along the spine. Any specificities about the technique might be superficial, and may work because you 'like' it more than others. Ofc when starting out doing it by the book (ofc dunno which book is the best, might be any book is good) is probably the best way for months, maybe even a year, or even longer, dunno. I think along the line confusion hits in and you do not know whether to perfect tehnique by the book or follow your intuition.

@Preety_India In Theradavada Buddhism tradition they basically have a map of meditation progression, A&P or arising and passing away is the feel-good stage so-to-speak, effortless attention/awareness.

Have you read Daniel Ingram's book? He has lots of material on it and advice aswell. Other Theradavada Buddhism have descriptions of dark night (would be called dukkha or knowledges of suffering). But basically as I recall: keep at your practice, don't do anything rash and stupid (like quit your job fly to India and find a cozy cave or smth). Alone time, at peace doing nothing helps to take your attention to whatever you're going to and do its thing. As for whatever meditation practice it is mentioned that your awareness and attention tends to be very vague and peripheral. If you have noticed a weird switch in your awareness aswell then it might be further confirmation that you are at dark night.