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Thanks for caring and following this I know some of the confusions come from being gender fluid but I feel myself having this tendency to force the feminine side to stop itself or probably I look down on it and assume it weak even though my logic says otherwise. And well, I know most of it if not all, comes from the past. I don't want to blame and I want to fix it in myself, but mostly I'm not sure what should I do. Like many times (especially casual ones) when I dress feminine my masculine part is like wtf is this. I ignore it but it makes me really self conscious and uncomfortable sometimes. On the other hand, I feel myself stopping the feminine part when the masculine one does something similar. There is this constant war in my head and I feel I'm in between cheering for and supporting the masculine one! Kinda funny when I'm imagining the picture now I got this great advice from one of my friends who is in a similar situation; she said that maybe I should stop labeling and categorizing things by them being feminine or masculine so I can have some peace doing any. Seems promising and it has helped, but I prefer a deeper fix on this. I have done some research but there is not much sources about it due to me being a bit of a minority. P.S. I hope this is still OK under the subject of this topic.

Your mom doesn't have the right to do it if you don't want her to. Even if you are still living with her. Worried parent is one thing and being a controlling parent is another. My dad used to do this a lot, I forced him to text me instead of call as I put him on silent. It may feel a bit disrespectful at first but if they are able to consider it when you explain to them that you understand their worries, it should be fine. Now away in another country for years, he still calls many times and I call back when I'm able.

I think I have been really confused also. But took a while until I accepted that I am somewhere in the middle with both sexuality and gender. With the sexuality, I thought I am attracted to opposite sex when I was younger. But thinking back many times I realized how much I was also attracted to the same sex and didn't really take it to count before. Later on, actually experimenting by doing it helped to realize where am I on the scale. Now I know I am more to opposite sex but mainly because of physical aspect. In that sense, I get attached emotionally to any gender. About the gender (not sure if you need this also), I have always been boyish at home. It didn't bother before but at some point last year it just became a huge confusion for me while going higher in personal development so I took online tests. I am gender fluid and counted as queer in LGBTQ. Mostly I am somewhere in between but masculine and feminine sides just come out sometimes and confuse the other :D. I suggest taking different aspects of yourself related to these more seriously. Observe when you may be attracted to the same sex or how often do you feel willing/wanting to be with one. With the gender; probably confusion could be the biggest clue, about when you are dressing/looking more masculine or feminine and how you feel like defining yourself.

Lol, I wrote notes also while on pot and it sounded so weird the next day. On the other hand, when I paint while on pot, it looks really deep and interesting. I guess what you feel is not really explainable by words, unless you are talking to someone as high as you are. In that sense, analyzing and going deep in any field you are interested in, is amazing. In my experience for mushrooms; it depends which kind you take. First time I used in Amsterdam they gave us this book which was explaining which kind has more visual, deep thinking, laughing or sounds, etc. The giggling one is kinda nice in the beginning but I suggest more visual ones. Doing meditation while on mushrooms is really nice especially if you have a strong imagination. For LSD; in my experience it made everything (emotions, experiences, interactions etc) more intense and made me obsessed about finishing what ever I started doing. The trips are usually really long and a bit tiring at the end unless I boost them up by pot. I think they are a bit more advanced compared to mushrooms and pot. For MDMA; I didn't take a strong dose but feels more like the calmness you get after a satisfying meditation session. Great for chilling and observing the world deeply and playing focus games.

Oh no! I was saying what goes on in my head when the girly part wants to kick in.

I'm still working on it but I think a bit of both plus some habit and red lights saying "ah stop that!"

In my experience, when I add a bit of those self enquiries to my meditations and do it right, amazing things happen. I tend to go deeper when I trigger those ideas while meditating. More satisfaction from meditation sessions for me, not sure about others.

I guess so. It comes more from my family and cultural background than a guy from the past. Being boyish mostly meant more compliments, more freedom and support. It is hard for me to let the feminine side be what it wants. I have tested online many times and I seem to be queer or genderfluid. I think it is mostly mental than in my genes.

The main problem with that is my feminine side. It comes out when I'm more comfortable and don't need to be defensive/look strong and feminine guys don't seem to have patience with it. Maybe I just need to learn to bring it out more often.

In the video one girl asked about something similar and the answer was instead of doing things, ask for help from guys so they feel they can be masculine. I felt it a bit applies for me. I feel guys are kinda afraid of me or afraid to get close. Also that I attract a lot of more feminin guys compared to masculine ones. I don't have a spicific example but I live away from family members and alone in the whole continent, meaning I do my own stuff including carying heavy things and defending myself. So if that means masculinity, then yea, I seem to look like it a lot.

I have the same problem.. Not being angry helps but it doesn't help your looking strong and masculine when you actually have to do stuff on your own. Any ideas?

Depends on the benefits you are trying to get. They can vary from "just some time off" to "have a different experience in life that may change some parts of one's perspective to life."

I feel similar sometimes and I have been thinking that most of it comes from being judgmental, to yourself and also others. You want things to be ideal and when they are not, they seem disgusting to you. You see so much in everything to the tiniest details and sometimes it destroys the whole image of that thing. What has worked for me is zooming out and having a bigger perspective. This is it, the world is like this and is BEING, so try to Be with the world. Not meaning to be a sheep but to not expect from it so much and see how it is beautifully BEING. Zooming in to people and yourself is great to improve yourself but also hurts as sometimes can lead to disgust. But it doesn't mean it is going to stay like this, it will change as you improve and as your wold gets bigger than seeing mostly negative things in everything.

They are your family and of course the more you care for them, the more their words hurt. Try to zoom out and be less judgmental about them as much as you can. They may be really close to you but they are not you! You are your own person and don't need to look up to them or feel like there is no way out. Leo's self actualization process is amazing especially when you are in a hard and mentally draining situation. Maybe getting more focused on who you are and how you can improve YOURSELF is a good way to not to think of them so much. Just an idea I feel it could help you. Research: "high expressed emotion level within family".

It's OK to cry Find out a community in your town for LGBT.. people. There are usually amazing people who openly talk about themselves and warm up your heart.

Medications are not magic, they are just numbing you until you figure out what to change in order to be able to live without them. So if you want out, do your research about how to handle without medication, be confident and show that confidence to your family and doctors, if they care they wouldn't stop you. They are only afraid because they think you are gonna get out of control and harm yourself or others. Of course it is hard at first and you'd feel naked without the pills, but if you stick with a plan which includes becoming aware most of the times you are getting close to being messed up, you're gonna be fine. If you were diagnosed with Borderline or even if you were not, other than doing deep personal actualization, try the DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy). Works amazingly for me.

I think that what ever the diagnosis would be, of course it will help you see yourself in a bigger picture and find people who are similar, but at the end there is always things about you that no one sees or cares to understand. But if you are going there, I suggest checking other close mental diagnosis too that are commonly misdiagnosed with autism like for example borderline personality disorder. Do your research beforehand as you know most of what you are and the doctors can mostly just hear what you see and connect the dots.

I have been there too. Being angry all the time. I really feel it now how much of it came from wanting the situation to be according to my ideals. There is this saying that: If you don't like where you are, try to tolerate it. If it didn't work, try to change it. If it still didn't work, leave it! So I decided to leave the situation by leaving my home country. If you decide something, your anger will give you a strong strong will power to make it work, so don't fear! In my opinion, if it has been growing so much that you feel it everywhere and all the time, maybe it's time to start looking for solutions to give you hope.

Great advises! Getting a pet is amazing. A bit hard as you need to restructure your family to add the new cute member, but it worth it a lot. I have had a lot of down and lonely times, but just when I got my kitty cat, she just heals me instantly when she comes around giving me love. Furry creatures are the best! I agree on digesting the bad feelings. Focusing and really feeling them helps on getting conscious and knowing that these are just feelings coming and going and that they should be observed, accepted and finally let go. Though sometimes this is not the healthiest thing to do considering the situation. I also add that having a bunch of notes from the conclusions that you got before and have helped you realize key things that work for you is great. I have some notes like that full of key sentences that I read when I feel down or confused. They help a lot.

I'm a female so I am not sure how much of this can be applied to men but I try anyways. One thing that helps involves psychedelics or high consciousness while cumming; if you can try to focus enough, there is that moment where you are so close and possibly you can feel that time stops a bit. If you are focused or high enough, you can start being able to choose which way you want to go, back or forward to cumming. Maybe practicing to stop time a bit or in other words, focus inwards strongly helps you do this. Another thing that comes to my mind is to practice holding it as long as you can when masturbating. Soon you find that tiny trigger where can give you that choice for later. It won't feel like suffering or pushing yourself anymore, but just a nice choice. Good luck

Hi, In my experience I have learned about myself that my deep relationship emotional feelings for some one are separated from caring for other people and also from my sex life. For me it didn't matter how much I cared for the person or how passionate the intimate times were, feeling that love and commitment for that one person was still there. Even though at the end it failed as some honest/betrayal? emotions started growing between my partner and another. I think generally it is really important to first start opening up with your current partner and also know what you want in your life and what are you and your partner's limitations. It is really possible when you are discussing it with your partner, you both totally agree with each other about what you are/what you think you are and want to trust that the other person completely knows what he/she is talking about. There is some risk there as you see but it worth it if you know what you are doing.

Exactly! Fear of being stuck is one of the worst but not trying is also another. There is always a way out of everything, so if you are running out of money, I suggest you find what ever until you find out something good or even your life purpose. Sometimes it feels hard to choose but also it's good to know that it's not like options of amazing life are just lining up at your door. It's better to do something than waiting, sometimes great ideas and opportunities may show themselves when you are more active and open to them.

I think it's a fun mind play game. If I can call it that. It also makes you more moral and more seeing the world from the perspective of infinity or even God is in all of us thing. I feel it's more like a trip on psychedelics.

Agreed! We make choices but there is a whole lot of process, calculations, mechanisms etc behind it that ARE just there. So we ARE and the process and time are creating this movie.

Hi, I think you are opening up, especially from all those emotions and feelings that were stuck behind boundaries that you are fighting with now. Sounds normal to me. Just give it time, you will find a way to build your new self.