Manjushri

I had psychosis once which ended up so bad I was unable to walk up the stairs. It's correlated with a 3 day retreat where I get spiritual gains and then actually see the world a bit differently and a lot of shit comes up and I'm unable to handle it myself and then I go and actually put myself in unwholesome situations because I actually don't love myself. I can't ask for any help because I don't know where to start. I'm labeled as an attention seeker because in my first psychosis episode we checked lots of doctors to see if it's not a physical issue. Now I got physio-psychological problems that are out of hand and I don't even want to say they're out of hand because it would affect my mental state. I kept my mental health in check by only consuming good content and having "good" thoughts which I achieved by meditation. I'm forced to see a psychiatrist (I'm 19) and don't want to get admitted in a shithole mental facility here in Belgrade, that would ruin my life entirely. I was obsessing about that idea and what would happen here if I stayed at home (me fucking my life up) that it's becoming true. I don't want to become a vegetable!!!!

@Salvijus vipassana

It's gone out of hand my cognitive abilities are near dead I need to sleep ut can't do anything to fix it I just lie in my bed comatose and its daytime but I didn't rest he l p

@ajasatya student but can't study . I think now is better if I try and muscle up my focus and body and sleep and get everything in order because exams can wait and later I can prolly study better. Nevertheless I need to get started doing things but for that I need to fix my sleep that's number one. Number two is my reaction to stress because my body is entirely confused having felt some stress. I used meditation to numb myself actually

@Manjushri which makes me behave like a retard. which hurts my ego because I'm not like this usually which triggers this and that awful situation. My ego died and now it's adopted a new one because of the unhealthy environment it was in while shattering of my ego was happening

In my internal world everybody loved eachother but actually on the outside I'm an outcast. It's a self fulfilling prophecy because when you get a diagnosis of a mental disorder everything you do is observed through that diagnosis.

@pointessa not a matter of feelings anymore I'm fighting for dear life here

Mental health professionals here in Serbia aren't really good. Can't just let myself in their hands. Already too late, I've slipped too much. Can't even make a proper post here on actualized. 0 self love and 0 self respect

@Manjushri the situation is really urgent because I'm slipping deeper and deeper into not communicating and just letting the bullshit unfold and making my situation worse and worse...

I'm unable to think atm from all the havoc I made to let go of my emotions. Delved deep into my unconscious and realised my family doesn't love me and I treat myself awfully because of their projections. Now I'm unable to sleep from the situation I put myself in and I behave like a retard because of the cognitive impairment. I'm really harsh on myself, like 0 self love, while they think I'm an attention seeker and selfish. Hmm...

@ajasatya I don't have a daily schedule it's all chaos from now on

@ajasatya I have horrible insomnia which landed me to be labeled as an attention seeking psychotic person . I have serious cognitive impairment from not sleeping. Stage blue parent thinks that medication is going to solve everything and that I think I'm too smart for doctors. Too many bad habits. I'll post my sleep schedule soon need to rest a bit.

I had a glimpse of enlightenment and now need to both ground myself in the dream so I don't completely ruin myself lol. I'm being forced medication (oh brave new world!!!) - stage orange fucking me in the ass. I'm clinging to these higher consciousness states and the medication would just fuck me over. 1. how do i ground myself in the dream? im doing some pretty reckless stuff to my body because of its illusory nature. I see that everything is conceptual so I don't have stable meal times, sleep times, everything is fucked. 2. how do i ground myself in daily life? im not doing anything to ground myself because I see through the facade. 3. how do i not get dragged down by stage orange society and psychiatrists and the materialist bunch? I'm tired so I'll rest now, I got an entire life to talk about this.

I can't do anything because of the immensity of this experience, which was just a glimpse. Kinda bullied my body and I'm also forced medication because I live with a materialist family.

What the fuck do I do during the day I'm even too tired to ask for help or eat or something ffs. Tripping a shit ton from not sleeping. Then I'm too tired during the day to even speak. Too unfocused to even finish this. My mindfulness is gone. I need to sleep to fix my life and to fix my sleep I need to be awake normally. Loop loop loop. What do I do first? This is stupid. I'm tired so I do stupid shit. Just puts me in an even bigger spiral. All my thoughts and projections. But I need to fucking sleep lol.

I get comatose tired but I don't fall asleep. Just like resting for 30mins. Fucking hell. Need to fix hell. First step?

TL ; DR a bit crazy. need help before i ruin my body / land in a mental hospital. I'll write a bit more when I rest , I'm tired. Wrote this 2h ago. I'll solve the psychological part of it after i solve the physiology. Am I deficient in some minerals? I'm behaving very erratically, low attention span, i'm starting to lose motivation. it's really hard to write this for me but then I have the will and the energy for other things. Yeah entirely nuts what do I do lol to solve this. (i aslo have a fever prolly psychogenic thats not going away otherwise i'd exercise and live life normally) mental hygiene advice? I'm going for a walk to refresh my mind b (i just lost the will to write it down) i'm tired but i need to take care of my mental health so i can't just stay home with myself need ah ave some fun too. Long story short, doing vipassana so this might be a spiritual problem too. I lived a pretty monk-mode life without stimulating myself with technology,music etc. abstaining from basically everything. taking biohacking to the max you know. that kinda fkd up my body. then i went and fucked a girl and generally enjoyed my "actualization gains" for the first time in a long long time and got in a big ego trip, realised how actually "awesome" i am (imagine lifting for 2 years and then seeing yourself in the mirror for the first time) so my ego pretty much fuckingj umped straight through the roof. i'm too motivated , inspired etc. couldn't sleep that night. im also inspired about life in general, meditation practice etc. new years was around i was planning my life visualising and i never fucking do that i just live in recluse getting enlightened so my system is not used to this much stimulation. and now my dopamine or whatever is just racing the entire time, i want to fuck , i want to do this and i want to do that. im taking sleeping pills to fix my sleep , eating well and hydrating myself and seeing improvement, but how do i not fuck this up and land me in a mental hospital? also im getting a grasp of the first layer of emptiness and the matrix so im having a tough time keeping myself ALIVE lol. but yeah its a really dangerous situation because it's like i'm doing cocaine and NOT CRASHING. but yeah i'm acting kinda crazy not mindful at all, Can't even focus to write. send help hahahahahhahahaha!!! funny but really serious I don't want to fuck myself up and it's already getting late!!!!!~!~!!!!!!!!!!

How can I sleep when there's so much suffering in the world?

I'll try to fix my sleep and diet and energy and everything and write down everything. Don't know what I'm doing at all. Really weird. Need to fix physiology but need to rest but need to get out of the house to feel a bit normal but my fv isnt letting me do things as i would usually. breeding ground for insanity send help

@Hellspeed à la Elliott Hulse? or not how do I do it? PS my being unable tp sleep isn't always excess energy / thinking. I just can't fall asleep and stay in a semi-awake state which doesn't really rest you.

The past couple of days I can't sleep properly, had a similar problem in the past which got too deep. fucked up my sleep schedule etc. The problem with not sleeping is that you feel normal but actually you done goofed with your cognition (did I flush the toilet?). Not healthy, don't want this. Can't sleep though. What suprises me is that I was doing shit around expending so much energy, so many emotions, still can't sleep. I didn't exercise because I wanted to chill out my body from all the things I did to it in the past week, still. I see myself doing the stupid shit I did when I first developed it - just being, not doing anything but not tired, staring at myself in the mirror, unconsciously doing things, fucked up cognition but lots of energy. im doing semen retention but i came 3 times this week. so that's not the cause. I got some sleep meds but I want to solve this naturally. What can I do?

yes perfect topic hehe maybe in the actualized section, dont think leos gonna make this vid because u already got all the resources necessary. i think it's just a good vision + strong ego

How would you explain the void-emptiness?

I see that when I lose enough weight I get hungry and then I slowly up my food intake and gain weight again... + I'm satisfied so I naturally let my guard off. In the past 7 days 3 of them I ate more food than usual, like one meal more. I want to say that losing weight felt like a breeze just took some time but I just wasn't hungry and with some observing what I eat i curb it easily. But when I do then it can come back because I just get hungrier... What are your experiences? Any advice?

I mean, it's not literally your last day, so you need to have a balance between present and future pleasure and benefit. What he meant was to live it to the fullest but you do need a balance nevertheless? How do you do it? I mean you surely would get some stims so you don't need to sleep if you only got a couple of days to live but that's not sustainable. For example I went to a party last night but now I feel like shit so I can't live today as if it were my last one while robbing the next day...