Manjushri

@Truth Addict I don't know. I'm not happy, @Serotoninluv Had no time today! But I'm definitely doing this.

I literally wouldn't gain weight if I wouldn't make shit food choices - eating pastry/pizza when I DON'T actually feel like eating it/need it. It makes me feel lots of anger.

@Serotoninluv That's the type of advice I wanted to hear. My eyes are shutting, I'll follow through tomorrow and report with results. <3

@JohnnyBravo Hitting bottom made me want to change. I was suicidal for a few months, while building myself up to be functional. I've reached a point where I can implement changes, experiment, play with life. Nothing internal's preventing me anymore, since I lost myself and 'everything'. I can now work on building a disciplined person. Or a person of any other virtue. I don't care what it is, really. I got a 'clean' slate and let's build! I'd like a systematic approach to this. I think the first step is to figure out what do I want out of life, no. Small picture, big picture, life purpose? Yeah? No? I like the talking about change, but just to get the gear started, let's do something tangible. I'm waiting for your thoughts, advices, etc. Let's sculpt my life, for the fun of it. I'm a 'clean' slate. Let's give Manjushri a few points of discipline, or exercise his generosity muscle! When I hit bottom, my meditation teacher told me to start with making my bed. It's a cornerstone habit for me now. Building more and more. I couldn't get out of bed, couldn't walk, now I'm running miles.

Its a common pattern of thought I see with depressed people. Sometimes I fall into this mode of thinking too. I started this topic because I saw people on this forum building some secondary habits that would just crash if something external happened, if they had or wanted to move, etc. is it really important building the non-foundational habits? i mean "habits" as such are so damn complex for us to actually manipulate them. you can dissect your daily behaviour into the tiniest fragments and see that its all a habit. sit by the computer at your old house where you masturbated (but youre in that space for the first time in 5 years) boom the habit loop of wanks activates and you have a wank.

@Gabriel Antonio

The centers here in Serbia are borderline cult-like, I can't deal with the new age spirituality people to get instructions. I couldn't find resources here on the forum either, what Leo used to start.

@Andreas Wow hahahaahaaha I was thinking about this!!!!!! My path led me to see the enormous suffering people go through because of today's psychiatry, fucked up lives. How could we actually pull this off? I'm studying psychology atm. Were you abused by psychiatrists?

I'm having psychotic episodes, and I don't want to end up in a mental hospital. I also have horrible insomnia and I have medication for that but the medication is just too harmful (zyprexa) for my body to take it. I'm desperate and don't know what to do. I'm mustering up my last resources as a cry for help here before I go down the drain of unconscious hell because I'm currently in a really undeveloped environment (family) that can't help me and stage orange society. If I even mention meditation, that would be crazy as fuck. I was meditating too much and I got extreme gains. and now I got a shit body even though I'm 19. when i say shit i mean unable to make myself food, and it's not a question of will... For 20 days now already I'm trying to recuperate myself from glimpses and I just can't ground myself in daily life. I need to be functional at least now. Help?

I don't think I can do enlightenment work and regular worldly life at the same time. If I end up a bum I wouldn't have the resources to do enlightenment work. I need to go through the grind of financial independence first, move up the maslow hierarchy. so i can even be in a position to be able to get teached and to practice.

@Shin of course but then I go into "lets devote all of my life to enlightenment" mode at the cost of everything

@Knock Yeah but when the "time in your day" becomes full time enlightenment work because you know that's the only important thing!! and you neglect the lower levels - can't do that at 19 years old. unless i become a monk/yogi

I had a glimpse of enlightenment and now I'm trying to rebuild my life. I had a neurosis that everything I did had to have a purpose , now I see how fake all that is. I don't want to slip into depressed insanity. I need to do something constructive because I'm destroying my life. I was on the verge of suicide last night, but that's too selfish. I don't want to do something "productive" that I actually won't be doing consistently because that would just fuck me up even more - I don't want to be like everyone else, starting something then not finishing it. But I need to do something constructive . I'm in college but my mental state is just too chaotic to study. Please help I'm really desperate everything shattered! And now I have a life ahead of me. What the fuck do I do?

I've had psychotic episodes and now I'm recovering. A bit dysfunctional for my taste - how do I get back to being functional? I'm lucky to have a caring mother who prepares me food but I need to get back on my feet ASAP. and recovery from psychosis requires lots of downtime , lots of unstressed walks, not doing anything but also having a purpose, etc.

I've been meditating for 3-4 years now daily. What's seen can't be unseen. I raised my consciousness / awareness level. Was trying to enlighten ASAP (I'm 19 now). That blitzkrieg technique - didn't work. Now I'm here, damaged. back to reality with shitty habits. need to work on basic things in order to become functional again. But I'm afraid of it becoming a crutch - what if you can't meditate? Don't wanna become dependent on it. I actually used it as a disguised personal development and self transcendence work while it was (not that it wasn't the former) a coping mechanism. I think I'm worse off now not meditating. but when i do, some time passes and i become a zen devil which ends up a mess (spiritual psychosis with me being dysfunctional after it) Maybe if I do it in a set time, like 3PM every day or something,that way it wouldn't be a crutch but actually 'building'. No fucking idea what to do here. If I meditate, I become the 'all' s good no matter what's going on' guy and just go make some art instead of fixing my problem - 'the problem doesn't exist there's only now and direct experience woowowowo' guy. and then i end up with fucked teeth. we live in a western world and I'm not a yogi so that can't work!!!!!

I'm a psych freshman and I've already fell with my motivation. Had "psychosis" and I'm one month behind with personal development, transcendence and studies. If I can't positively motivate myself, maybe a negative motivation is better/ e.g. if I don't study then I have to x then I lose these opportunities then y then what is a person without a degree etc

I have absolutely ZERO motivation to study. I just keep procrastinating it because I'm "behind" on my studies, having forgotten what I learned. It's just so hard to get back on track.

@Matt8800 yes matt but being hospitalized would really get in the way...

I'm having a similar situation here. I can't just trust my body because it's not smart enough. I can't rely on culture and norms either. I can't rely on my previous map of functioning but I desperately need something to follow so I can ground myself in reality. It's too chaotic atm - I'll go completely crazy. When hungry eat when tired sleep won't work here because my body doesn't fall asleep by itself. When hungry? I could eat once per hour. I just see that I completely and utterly don't understand this thing called reality. I had a map of functioning and it seemed to work. Now I got slapped out of that and can't ground myself back. Old habits wouldn't work. Family norms are too unconscious.

I don't have the will to write a forum post here. I appreciate all your help in the previous threads. I just need a tiny spark of hope in this drain I'm falling in. Insomnia, cognitive impairment due to it, no will to do anything. I'd just lie on the floor until I die, no joke. No will to even write this, ask for help. In this tough time I need a glimmer of hope, a vision that I can set things straight. I fucked up my familial relations too much. Betrayed their trust by running away from home. Now I'm back here because I have to see a psychiatrist and am "forced" medication at home. I'd just lie until I rot away. Not a good path because then I'll get the will to live when it's too late. It's too much of an effort to even write this, a last cry for help. I feel like I'm 80 and I'm only 19. How can I muster up the will to live after ruining my life so much? I actually want to live. It's my life and I'm being treated like a senile crazy dude by my family! What can I do to get myself out of this state of slowly dying?

I'll listen to your guys' advice. I fucked up my life too much. Only when you lose everything are you free to do anything. What's that anything? I am desperate for advice.

@ajasatya @ajasatya I have horrible insomnia which landed me to be labeled as an attention seeking psychotic person . I have serious cognitive impairment from not sleeping. Stage blue parent thinks that medication is going to solve everything and that I think I'm too smart for doctors. Too many bad habits. No fixed daily schedule because It's all chaos!

I'm a control freak. Afraid of existence. Now I'm afraid to fall asleep because that would equal death. Things are happening all the time and my body is still here when I'm sleeping and it's scary. I still exist when I go to sleep. I want to be awake the entire time and just observe everything. . . I got ambien, I didn't sleep for 3 days so I'm retarded. I'll fix my bullshit tomorrow.

It's a big problem that I swept under the rug actually because I wanted to repress it ASAP and get on with my life. I had a strong ego to maintain that, but now it all shattered and I'm a stupid 19 year old kid who's having psychosis. It's a self fulfilling prophecy

I guess I had really bad habits because i was "living" a yogi life and didn't ever care about anything, just lived in the Absolute. now reality hit me and I got nobody to rely on. My family is really unreasonable but I'm the crazy one here. Nowhere to ask for help, but I don't want to give up. My cognitive functions are shit because of all the self-unloving actions I did - fucking my life up, not eating, etc. I just don't know what to do when I'm unable to do things. Only let them unfold and land in the most horrible mental hospital ever!