Manjushri

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@Commodent I agree completely. It's like shutting yourself off from an entire spectre of experience. When I say depression though I mean unhealthy patterns or whatever (I haven't even figured why it happens with me) that hinder authentic Being and personal development. It's a narrow state of consciousness, for sure.

Hey everybody, I think you missed the point. I'm not constantly depressed. I do all the personal development shit. It's just an unwholesome outlook on life and conditioned mental patterns.@Nickyy I'm more having bipolar symptoms than classic depressive ones. 5 days elated manic 5 days "kill me" depression. Everything is alright, literally, whenever I sit to meditate, everything is alright, yet I want to die. What the fuck? Considering supressing feelings, I don't think I do. My "depressions" are filled with anger,hurt and "hatred" (which I only just recently begun to feel, finally I'm honest enough with myself to feel it woo) .@Anna1 Well, what does it take, Anna? I don't know where to start. I guess I'll make a SMART goal or a vision with counseling/therapy but that's so unlikely to happen atm. I'm trying to put mental effort into making a dentist appointment.

I basically don't want to live out these depressive patterns anymore in my life. It's a crime against life, in a sense. This is one of my great obstacles in my path. I'm often heavily, truly, clinically depressed. Like, rotting teeth depressed. Not eating and lying on the floor for days depressed. The depressed mind affects my outlook on life in general. It's not that I'm dysfunctional, not that I'm purposeless and goal-less. I do heavy personal development and enlightenment work. I do all my tasks, I love life, I am energetic, charismatic and everything. But even without depressive episodes I still feel that it affects me, my personal development and my consciousness work. I want to get over that shit for life. It's toxic and burdening. What the fuck do I do, where do I start. I need to dig this out and about. See what beliefs are faulty and limiting. To become aware of my emotional problems, and to discover the root of them, to free myself of them. Thought patterns are full of death and wanting to die even though I love experiencing and I love being and I love Being and I love life. It's like, if I took a drug which changed my physiology (body) it would actually change my mind as well. And then I would be motivated enough to stand up and eg go to the dentist before my teeth completely rot (im only 20) and brush them more often etc. Fucked up mind fucks up the body which in turn fucks up the mind even more, vicious circle. I gave too little information but it took me real willpower to start this topic (no physical motivation to do it (depression)). I am eternally grateful for whatever you write, I can't wait to read it all. Thank you.

Good question, I think I even made a thread on this one. My guru says yes, I mean, it's kinda different from aware immersion, this flow state. There is no spaciousness in the quality of the experience.

I've been thinking about this phenomena. It just seems so delusional, to think in terms of satisfying justice. I can't pinpoint the ego mechanism of justice. Is it desire, aversion, attachment? I'm talking about both the broad term and the narrow one. (narrow - why is it *just* for a criminal to be pursued and persecuted and get his sentence) What is justice? What is the root of a desire for justice? Is it innate?

@Milos Uzelacno no start contemplating now not when you're in the rut. you need to know exactly what is the root of suicidal ideation to be able to work with it. good luck

Why commit suicide? Meditate on the reason, get to the root of the desire. What answers do you find? Don't answer with your intellect. Is it because you're unhappy with your current self? Not living according to your values? Then the suicidal drive is a call to growth. Is it aggression towards yourself? Is it out of strong kleshas? Which ones? Is it because you're suffering too much? If so, why are you suffering? Is there another way out?

How do you think a mental hospital would help him? Stuff him with pills that "block his dopamine" because his delusions are a chemical disbalance? It is a tough situation though. Im sorry.

really enjoyed the story. thank you so much i burst out in laughter at the not identifying with your thoughts part. Oh, I'm so damn silly, how can I keep believing all these silly stories... much love

@outlandish Has 1 day on 2 off been tested to make you minimal tolerance? I basically already do minimal effective doses but because of exams I've been using it frequently. I want to be a chronic user, yes. The high is worth it. I don't want to get addicted.

Thank you! Espresso is too strong for me. I drink really weak coffee and still get half-jittery in a good way because I guess I'm really sensitive to it I don't want to be like my mother, who drinks 4 cups of coffee just to be functional. What do you think is the best way to cycle? I'm also interested in other nootropics, first to start with the "natural" ones because my body is obviously really sensitive to stims, I guess I wouldn't be able to sleep for 3-4 days because of modafinil

@DrewNows I dont actively smoke nor drink coffee but I love to use both cigs and coffee from time to time. Whenever I started abusing it I just quit and reevaluated (when I was a kid smoking packs on school trips for fun and then suddenly get additcted). Now I cant get myself to the point of addiction because I'm actively actualizing and using them only moderately haha

I'm talking about the type of coffee, how much should I consume it to never build tolerance or only a slight one, etc etc. I've been experimenting with coffee and I love the high in all levels and I never have a crash. I'm just worried I might overuse it and then fuck it up. Basically I guess I want to drink it my entire life but only as a nootropic. So I want to maximize the effects and minimize the negative things. What I'm drinking at the moment is one nescafe a day and it's only because of exams. Coffee makes me feel so good, like physically pleasant, energetic, concentrated, everything. And it's a pretty cheap legal drug too. Is one daily with 2 days detox the way to go or how the fuck should I go on with drinking this and not becoming the zombie coffee addict type where coffee just becomes a crutch and not a stim. thanks in advance

@Marks199 No problems with the monkey. My actualized life demands a slim healthy body. I don't feel aligned nor like I'm doing personal development when I've got chubby cheeks. @Average Investor Why is it a terrible idea?