Dear Nadosa,
I haven't yet posted on this forum. I've been spying around to gather necessary pieces for my development, but when I was reading your post I felt a very strong urge to share some of my thoughts.
I've been feeling the same way for almost a year. I was constantly torn between all the polarities, with-in and with-out. After what seemed like a very profound time of my life and my old paradigms were shattered, I seemed utterly confused. I wasn't able to maintain balance in any of the aspects of my being. At one moment I would feel miserable and the next I would experience the most gentle joys of life. I've had rare occasions where I was being pulled away from my body, but because of my physical and mental imbalance there was no way to maintain such high states of energy. One specific time it happened, about 4 months ago, it was so intense and terrifying that I pulled the plug. I told myself, 'I'm done with all this enlightenment bull... It gives me nothing and yet I'm suffering for it.'.
I gave up all of my spiritual aspirations. I decided instead of destroying the ego, I would nurture it. I started exercising, attending more social events and be more involved in my relationships. This is when I noticed that my ego was not just my enemy, it was also my friend and it should have been all of my life. I had an unhealthy ego when I started doing spiritual work, which is how I unconsciously picked up a very nihilistic undertone. 'If there is an absolute, then I have nothing to do here. All is done. All is good anyways.', but that's all a bunch of non-sense. There's plenty to do, in fact, there's everything to do.
The main problem I was having was that I didn't know what I wanted from life. After coming back into contact with my ego, pondering new studies, working out and reading several books it became clear to me that I have little to no desire for any external pleasure. All the pleasures in the world wouldn't satisfy me. The only thing that really fulfills me is to feel limitless, one and devoted to 'that which is not'. Now, I'm back on track with my meditation and yogic practices. This time with a new and improved engine!
My advice to you is, don't worry, you're doing great! Do what you love and embrace ego. Don't reject it, because what you resist, persists! And when you've gathered enough positive energy in your life spiritual development will happen naturally.
Yes, life may be meaningless, one big cosmic joke. Yes, at times you would wish you'd forget everything you learned about this metaphysical circus that people are trying to properly communicate to the world. But thoughts like this won't help you, unless you'd rather fall instead of fly. Walk lightly and be as grateful and mindful as suits you.
If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to pm me or ask for my personal email. Wish you all the best! Take care! <3
With all the love and light,
Steve
