28 cm unbuffed

@Gesundheit That's far more interesting. I think all of this work that we are presented to here is about what you are describing - to die, before you die. Isn't' that enlightenment? Or are you talking about an ordinary death?

@Gesundheit you're talking bullshit, If you want it to happen on itself, then just stop eating, drinking and just lie down and wait for it to happen.

@Raptorsin7 What keeps you alive?

I'm in a similar spot as you are man. Discipline, hard work, radical honesty with yourself, and being humble is the answer you are looking for. Sorry man, but that's the reality, I feel ya.

Hey guys. My dark night of the soul event, that started like 8 months ago is finally going to an end, or at least that's what I feel like. I did tons of shadow work, changed a lot of behaviours, beliefs about myself, basically, I'm a new person, like a boy died for a man to be born. I know what I want to go after right now in life, in short - money and women. But I still feel a lot of pain in my heart area, in my chest. I feel like the Universe is pushing me towards self-love activities, self-care, etc. And I'm not that sure and convinced about that. There is a lot of pragmatic, down to earth things, that I should be working on right now, and "I don't feel like it" seems like an escape mechanism to me. My question here would be - how to heal the heart, fully? How to get rid of the past, from my emotional body, my thoughts, forever? How to forgive fully, kill the old self, forget about what happened, leave behind what was and be here and now, focused on my dreams? I'm sick and tired of it, it's been 8 months of shadow work, healing, a lot of rest, a lot of meditation. I just want to end this chapter and move on, to the next one.

@Preety_India Thank you :3 Hope you will get through it as soon as possible @allislove Yeah, maybe you're right, that I'm not connected with the higher purpose yet, I am not sure if I really am that kind of person though. What I mean is that when I did a lot of shadow work and healed parts of my old self, I came to a conclusion, that I am a very practical guy, I'm not airy-fairy, there is a mission, we have to change the world, whatever, person. I would not say, that it's low consciousness when it goes to a woman, I also want her to be my best friend. When it comes to money, I want it to be a business, that will change the world and serve the people. So - still higher consciousness, but yeah, I am aware of the fact, that my lower consciousness needs are keeping me on the lower spectrum of the spiral. Yet - I kinda feel what you mean by that, I lack a soul in my pursuits somehow. I became really pragmatic and practical and lost it in the way. And that's something I can't just "work on", huh

@Visionary I feel it energetically in my body, and I was similar to the process of Transformation Mastery by Julien. I went through all of the shit that he mentions in his course, and it was being manifested in my thoughts, and once I got, why they are occurring and what they really represent - puff - pattern got broken. I understand what you mean by "many dark nights" (I think I do) because of the amount of the shit I went through. But how do I truly know - "Ok, cool, the process is over, I'm done with healing and shadow work, let's get going with the purpose stuff right now"?

@ivankiss Ok, so I was not mistaken about it after all. Let's do it, 30 days challenge, choo-choo:

I think I got it. Every time, I get a thought about what I should be doing, I get another one after - "dude, why the hell you are not doing it?" = aka guilt. How to go about it and get rid of this annoying shit?

@ivankiss Yeah, I heard that people worked on that stuff for years, even the Youtuber that I watch passionately, Aaron Abke, said it was a process that lasted a year for him, so I'm actually pretty proud of myself. It's fucked up, that I know all of that stuff, that I'm really killing it and doing an amazing job, yet, it's never enough, and I always want to be better, reach higher, and accomplish goals faster. Maybe that is my main issue, I remember that in my teenage years, fuck, even in my early twenties, I didn't give a fuck about my life, and now it's like - "Dude, get to work already, you're wasting your life, every second matter!". And the more space and freedom I give to myself, the more I am able to accomplish, paradoxically.

How to find balance in that? On the one hand, I don't want to kill myself during the process of going after stuff, on the other hand, I don't want to someday regret the time I wasted on just chilling, being happy. You're putting a drive to success as something bad here, as something in the shadows, something, that dies with it, did I understand you correctly? It sounds like, if I want the spark back, I somehow have to make my shadow stronger? I don't get it.

So, you guys are probably familiar with a concept of karma. When you do "bad" stuff, it will stay in your subconscious, your conscience, that you did that and you will eventually try to punish yourself for that. In my case, it was something like Leo describes it in one of his videos, he named it as "Mahasamadhi experience" - the moment, when you are given a choice to die, and it's something you know, you should do and it would benefit world on a larger scale, let's call it to sacrifice for the greater good. I was given this kind of choice too. I'm free from "bad karma", from the past, I feel that and I can experience that in my life. Yet - there is still this thing in the back of my mind, that I should've sacrificed myself, and, according to the larger-scale look at the world, I did the "bad thing", because I chose myself, over the whole. I don't want the story to repeat itself, I try my best to do my daily chores, be a good person, etc., yet, this idea is still haunting me. "I'm a bad guy, I chose evil. I chose my own life over others", etc. And yeah, I know, there is no good or bad, it's not something, that I'm asking for here. I feel like Frodo, after making all of his journey to Mordor, making all of these sacrifices, winning battles, defeating evil aka ego one time after the other, yet, when I was given a choice to die (I had no idea what would happen, yet, I felt, it's the right thing to do, to go in and confront my fear of death), I chickened out, I took a fucking ring and put in on my finger, got my price of clearing myself of the karma and run away with the "treasure". I have no idea what to do to live with it. I can't really talk with anyone about that, even with therapist, who would fucking believe me, that I got enlightenment in my hand, and yet I chose my carnal desires. It's a huge burden and I think about it every day. I know, that the best thing to do here would be making something good, that would really benefit the world, like a business, YouTube channel, etc. Yet - I feel like it's just something I would do to get my soul back, not really something for the world - still an ego-driven thing. I'm trapped, I'm tired, I have no idea what to do, kill myself? No matter what I do, and how hard I work, it's haunting me. I thought, maybe it's an impostor syndrome and I did nothing bad. And maybe it is. Yet - how can i "cure" that? Please help.

@Gesundheit I get it, if it was for my survival, then my logic is that it was the right thing to do. Right?

@Gesundheit Sounds pretty fucking interesting, could you please briefly explain it using murder example?

@Gesundheit Ok, so by that, you mean, that I can kill whoever I want, it's not a bad thing, it's just stupid and it creates karma, right?

In his video: I interpreted it my way, which of course might be false, maybe that's just my fucked up fantasy. What is true for sure, that he was going to die and he didn't choose to "do it", because he was watching photos of girls, masturbating.

Why is it that way? Let's say, that I'm enlightened, then I recognize, that I am just a part of everything and that everything is me. 1. Why would I want to kill myself (other than saving thousands of myselves, but how can I really know, which life / lives are "worth" more) 2. I am enlightened, so I understand that everything is me. I eat myself, I dump myself, I fuck myself. I will have no issue with killing myself, I do that every day like millions of times (bacterias, etc.). But still - on a larger scale, that can be damaging to the world. Or it doesn't - I have no idea if killing someone will not make sense in 5000 years. Do I do everything intuitively, without giving a fuck about myself when I'm enlightened, trusting the bigger plan, like all the time? This is how it works? I just know, I just let go, I just do, 24/7? 3. Enlightenment is like finishing your life mission, the end goal, you did it, you won, so you can do whatever the fuck you want, without consequences, that's your reward for hard work.

@Artsu I felt that I'm betraying myself, because, my whole life I was against carnal desires, chasing money, women, career, "shallow" stuff. And this event made me realize, that I'm not that "saint", I am not able to die for Truth and it's not my highest motive - if it really was I wouldn't stay alive and just die for Truth, for the greater good, whatever. Big spiritual ego. I just hated this stuff, because that was something, that my mother was always forcing me to focus on, that I am too much in the clouds, disconnected from reality, not grounded, you get it. I hate my mother, that's why I hated these things, simple. But in the moment it felt like selling my soul to a devil, part of a shadow integration process I think.

@belen For the, let's say 20 years of my life I was really egotistic and narcissistic, my life started to collapse really fast after. I had no idea, what I was doing, to be honest, I didn't know any better. At like 26 I hit rock bottom, and I got interested in self-development. I got sucked in, learned a lot, still ego-based, but I learned more and more, about how being selfless is actually a better thing. I did a couple of psychedelic trips, last of them, really huge, "heroic" (12 g of dried mushrooms) and it sped up my process. But there was a lot of suffering involved. My friend turned out to be a psychopath and a girl that I was meeting a whore, literally. And all of that was my karma, so you can imagine who I was before that, and how I hated myself to get into this kind of situation. So, here I am, in the middle, all of my friends are narcissists, my best friend is a psychopath, and a girl that I was hanging out with is a whore. Jesus Christ reincarnated, suffering level over 9000. And I know that she's a whore, and I know that her ex-boyfriend knows that, yet he wants me to suffer and that he is jealous of me. I can't prove that though. My intuitions told me, that I should fight him, but rationally speaking, I had no idea if he will tell the truth or not, I just didn't know. My intuition scenario was that I will fucking die there, and somehow sacrifice myself for "their sins" there. I think in Leo's case it was that he will die in a bathtub, but that will make him somehow "famous", people will hear about him and his work will get to more people, it will benefit the world on a larger scale.

Then ask yourself, why did you create this topic in the first place? What is the thing that you are (or not) addicted to? Ask yourself, what do you want more, (f.e - great body or 99 Lvl mage in one year). Look for long term benefits / disadvantages of your habits and addictions (for example - smoking: feeling calm / lung cancer, video games: 99lvl mage / losing 900 hours of your life). And then choose wisely, what do you want from yourself and your life, but be really fucking honest with yourself. The key to quitting once for all is something to click in your brain. The key is that you really, truly WANT to quit, not just pretend that you want to quit. When you'll get it for yourself and you will acknowledge the fact that - yeah, I really prefer fucking bitches than playing WoW then you'll figure out HOW yourself.

@Someone here Let me tell you, how I managed to quit all of my bad habits. My theory and I found some videos about that as well, is that, all addictions are just ego mechanic, that ego uses against you not to confront emotions, that you label as bad. Until you don't let those emotions to express themselves, you will go back to addictions, over and over again. That's how I managed to quit smoking, playing video games, drinking coffee, eating junk food, all in once. Not sure how to go about that practically, in my case it was just that life put me into a situation, where I was shown who I really am and it hit me like a truck. It made me super fucking angry, furious is a better word. It was all so much that I started to hit the wall, screaming, swearing to all the fucked up people in my life, without giving a single fuck, you name it. And as a result that made me quit all of those bad habits, tons of anger, Goggins type shit. In other words - Leo's video about addictions says: "The key to quitting all addictions is to become conscious about a thing, that you are doing". In a moment, when you see what the fuck you are doing with your life, how you are spending it, knowing, that it is a one and only chance you got given to live you just stop doing stupid shit.

Your body affects your brain, your personality, your character, basically who you are. Look like a person that you want to be, that's my answer.

Leo's life purpose course

I feel the same. My mother transferred her emotional wounds from my father to me. I did nothing wrong to deserve that, other than being a vulnerable child. I understand her, but I will never truly love her (not in a personal way).

Watch this movie: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2397535/ You'll somehow understand then.