rcuch

took this yesterday... *ego* - god is with you...god is with you? no. god IS you. a devine influence...a devine influence? no. what is being. ////why ego? cause i felt like i corrected the sign. i felt inflated...energized. *egoless* - one reads; god is with you - a divine influence and unresponds.

up in the county of maine on an ITS trail, one is given an exercise in anothers process. at first glance, one sees a sign apparently shot out with a gun of some form. one sees one making the first assumption that some "idiot" shot such a hole to be an egotistical ass. one becomes angry and can't see why someone would be so destructive to something designed only help people out on the trail. "now what are we or anyone else going to do if we want to see where we are?!" "people are so stupid!" one sees this building explosion and thinks what one doesn't consider is, that maybe one really needed the map...that maybe there was an emergency...one was lost...it was a matter of life or death. with this meer mention, one then thinks and is immediatly defused. it doesn't change the condition of the sign, but it changed how one saw it. one didn't really know what happened here...or how? other's then arrive to see the sign, now useless for it's intention...and immediately ask who the idiot was that ruined the sign? ones mind now freer, "says i don't know what happened to the sign."

one has been out in the main forum this morning doing some investigating... and so is wondering what stage of development it is in. one would guess purple (pretty good for just the short time it has been running)...or not. there seems to be some possible signs of sporatic rebelliousness to the whole though...or not. it is all worth ones watching and learning from so i thank you all for this precious opportunity. know that to one, everything is an exercise...and that includes every "one". ...or not.

not doing it...it just is. i am at the point where even conversation is...hypocritical?...so this i am writing feels different than what i would have felt before having experiences. this is where keeping the ego on life support comes in...i guess, or not. *enter ego* keeping the ego allows one to function in a world that isn't "there" yet. it allows for one to embrace all, to be able to talk to different people without judgements, only acceptance. one can be both. one can have awareness and still be unconscious...or not. it is where one is at. to be that labeled hardcore enlightened one, one will in fact be undead or a vegetable...or not. there will be a time to play with 100% on ones death bed. one has made that reservation. one has found a way around the silence...one needs not be quiet...needs not be still...one can be to be...it is ones constant...one can disconnect thru all...then be all. ...or not. be still...why? cause the book says so? one has challenged that and found something.

i keep my ego on life-support. "it" is scared shit at the moment and constantly tries to re-self thrive. but as we all know, back pedaling does not work with pedal brakes...it is either slow down, stop or go forward, stupid.

i didn't go through this whole thing and i apologize if i'm repeating someone but i didn't want to be influenced by others in my response. all i want to say is...it's ok, take the time you need. enlightenment isn't going anywhere. it will be here when/if you wish to seek it. there's no forcing it...no convincing...and no pressure to achieve it. from the time you are born, everything has brought you to where you are now. you may just need more time to live out where you are at...or not. you have plenty of time to figure it out. maybe let yourself do that without worry-work up to it and let it come...or not. just knowing about it has already put you on the path...take comfort in that...or not.

ok one more thing screw it...i also use time in the car and workout time (all i do is workout...all day, everyday)for mental practice time. i will force myself to get to where i will have to struggle just to get through a workout by going really long without fuel/whatever just so i can experience really bad conditions and train myself to feel how truely great it is to be feeling such misery. anyway, last week, during a run...i slipped into auto pilot, as i always do and away i went to where is found and this came; mile 9...had one of my intrusive thoughts while i was bathing in awesome misery but what was different here is that it was so matter of fact that it was like some kind of ah-ha moment. the thought(s) are my self...just like some second party though to the other(?). but really neither are me...ya ya i know. kinda went like this; haha...you know what you're doing? you know what you. are. doing? *no answer* all this...everything...you are doing here dipping in mental/physical discomforts with these races and working out and all this other weirdo bullshit is in preparation for your own death experience. a big acclimation process, is what it is. it is after all, the the most profound thing one can go through, there is nothing more personal...for you that is. *holy shit* followed by a moment of *holy shit* how is it that i didn't see this...this way, before? because...you weren't ready to. now you are...and you can stop being afraid of it. it will always be there for you. there is no "now what?" for anything. *holy shit* and *holy fuck* writing this does the whole thing no justice...for it was toned down...a bit. i am not fucking crazy...hahahahaha. i'm not. but you are free to think as you will. you there...ego. fuck you.

my week was a good and profitable one...one with potential progress. this pic is however from last month. it's ok. plenty of time to catch up. experiencing massive disconnect is horrifying...after all, there is no longer an operator. could it be one trying to avoid truth? the truth is horrifying...maybe...one doesn't know if one's experience of truth is an illusion of one's self, one suspects and in so doing only soaks in that nothing is horrifying. truth IS nothing. and nothing is everything. that's the horrifying truth of illusion.

another from december. this one was huge for me...and big changes have occured since. i will be in a non-orange area for a week and will only have access to this site by flip phone...it's where i "live". here is the thought; one has opinions...to which one holds beliefs. one can share said opinion or not share said opinion. when one has different beliefs to one, this is a conflict of interest in view causing conflictive back and forth between where each side believes they are right. ones life has influenced that this is the case...and one believes in ones belief. each side calling the other untrue, not so or just plain stupid. now another can see this unfold and it seems so arbitrary...but only when one not only sees oneself as being dogmatic for seeing this as silly does this whole thing just make sense. one realizes that one can no longer justify beliefs...ANY beliefs. one can only understand why one has them. with this one realization, comes an end to all arguements...all debates...all bickering and all petty bullshit. for one, it all goes away.

I have never mediated. I use all of life's quite times like long lines, waiting rooms and red lights to practice and exercise mentally. Time is short and I for one...can't afford to assign time to something I get given to me way too often anyways.

again...one from last month; it is one thing to believe in having no control and something else completely different to experience. watching these windmills, it occurred to me that i have zero control over anything. there is not one facet of anything in life that i control. feeling that is a holy shit. what a feeling of relief it is to feel that. this is really key to stress/anxiety suppression to elimination...there is no need for pharmaceutical medication, just stare at windmills...or...whatever. wind turbines.

this was taken last month...and the thought that came was; when searching for truth in reality, one must be in the present moment. there is no true reality in the future and there certainly is no true reality in the past. to be in the present moment one must dissect it to find it. one then finds there is no present moment...and moments are either past or future. therefore...if true reality is only found in the present moment, true reality can't exist. it's alot like experiencing white noise. or is it? maybe this is just a reflective perspective. and one has already experienced this untrue...or has one...

i drew this up a couple of days ago and find myself doing it with literally EVERYTHING pertaining to my and all other egos i come into contact with...one thing i have noticed is that i really seem to have the least amount of tolerance for orange... which now that i can see this thing, i can trace back about 20+ years. i find it very funny as orange does play a role in my life. anyways. i also see a lot of youngsters in here...and if i may offer any advise to the young with this whole journey is to not rush this...take everyday...learn everyday...THEN be everyday. 8 stages of my running life; beige - quit smoking, running is born purple - running 5 miles a day to be one of the healthy people. red - running and racing 5k's to be the best and crush anyone that ran my pace. blue - joined running group and adopted all group ways, training...etc. orange - running became about increase in progress, power, efficiency and greed. the whole road to boston marathon thing. green - started running trails cause i wasn't happy hurting all the time and really found a love for it. yellow - started triathlon because i still was getting injured and just because i loved trails...it didn't solve my injury problem. turquoise - started ultra triathlons to experience what living is. mta; why is this important for me is this...this is a notation from a running log entry i wrote in another site. too cold to walk outside after running so i went inside on the y's treadmill. had a friends mrs. w/one of her buddies in front...looking fantastic as usual. wow...how do people talk with each other non-stop about whatever like that? i have never had that...ever...with anyone. hi and bye conversations are pretty much the extent of my interacts with people unless they are the ones flapping their gums about their topic. the second i start to talk about mine...people say they have to go or they start looking for an out. so of course i used this wonderful opportunity for exercise of mental quality and it took me to a place of serenity...which is so different from how i would look at such an apparent "boohoo...nobody likes me cause i am a fucking head cased weirdo". now i see it is because of where people are at...and i, well, i would have to be either above or below that and which ever one it is...is ok.

this was also in december... so i found myself in a field of red twigs. the contrast of red against the white snow caused emotion so i took a picture to show others but it didn't appear the same...duller, more drab. the camera is just not capable of capturing what i see. then i think that people, like the camera are not capable of seeing what i see. no matter how well i even try to describe what i see, it is my perception and no one else can receive what i am receiving to percieve as the same perception. therefore everything i say to one would in fact be untrue to them...a factless lie. then i go deeper...i too am perceiving a perception to myself so it too is a factless lie. the truth is...there is no truth. everything is fake. even my exercise here suggests a sack full of dirty sweet potatoes of inadequate size. no self saw red twigs in snow. freaking cool.

lucid dreaming...i used to have these a lot. they scared the hell out of me. i would be awake and they would start and all of the sudden-like. kinda like when one would instantly realize they were high...ya kinda like that. incredibly loud buzzing would start and i would think oh no...here we go again. sometimes i would hear loud voices say stuff that made no sense, sometimes growling like sounds. all deafening. then i would leave myself...walk around the room or house still hearing all this...finally i would freak and scream inside my head...wake up...wake up...wake up! some times it took forever and a lot of trying to convulse myself up. then after this kept happen many times...i realized that holy hell, i am conscious in this state...i can do anything when this is happening. so everytime it would happen, i then decided to acclimate to the fear and try all sorts of stuff...flying through my ceiling to the outside, visiting people and all sorts of cool stuff. what would happen though eventually is the noise would get so bad that these always would end up with me having to get out of it. i have not had one of those in a long time and i miss it. i have tried to get them back but now i think they are coming out in my awake time...perhaps it's going through it's own transitional dilemma, i don't know. all i know is that when i am trying to sleep...i hear those random words and phases that don't make any sense that come out of no where. they arent nearly as loud though. thank you.

i took this pic back in december...it was an important revelation for me. the thought that came with it was; see the light. not to be blinded so you see nothing else but to see beyond it so you see everything else. look here...look hard...see the eyes of everything staring back. and then i saw it as well.

been experiencing the feeling that everything around me is insignificant...not a depressed form...just less, like it has no meaning. what "it" is, i do not even know, maybe everything or nothing perhaps...this morning i woke...i felt it very strongly...and blurted out WTF?!!!!! then i just laid there and like everything else i feel and do this with, felt appreciation for it. it is really a gift i am recieving here. no one is getting this...no one is me. thank you.

a thank you gift for you leo...because you inspire me. the eight stages of human development in music...per me. beige stage; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VkvQO6jlhEU purple stage; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7EFo0hdOz7s red stage; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NSW01sWSPQY blue stage; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YS3kZVSJm78 orange stage; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A9h3OJ9WThA green stage; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XAi3VTSdTxU yellow stage; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u9Dg-g7t2l4 turquoise stage; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=su0q0u4Yup0