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I am disconnected from the people around me...but threw being in nature and creative self expression I have found connection with all. And...if I am needed in any way...I will be found. In the meantime, I keep on doing what I do and being what I am... Enjoy...or not. The message is always what is true for you. lyrics; i thought i knew life early on. it played over again like some sad song. some gift given and then it's gone. come to find out i was so very wrong. i am the nothing that blows the breeze. so what would this knowing do to you? all your experience illusion undue. when everyone has a different view. do you think you could except it as true? i am the nothing that blows the breeze. what comes after you die in life? the who you are now stands aside. positions fade dropping your disguise. the only one you are no longer denies. i am the nothing that blows the breeze.

being one, i have those thoughts. the ones that just come in my quiet. what i do is i go out into nature, take pictures and find answers to questions i have been asking since long. i have been outletting in facebook and i don't think it is recieved well, which is ok but i don't know...maybe that is an illusion. one never knows. perhaps here. i'll share an example i just took this weekend. with this pic, the thought... when seeing through the window of a closed mind, all dilemmas of another become clear.

The past few years have been interesting on this path. One door has been closing on me so another began to open. I have always love to create threw art but this door led to music. Many years ago a friend gave me an old guitar and as that one door began to close two years I actual saw this guitar as I never did. I picked it up and haven't put it down. I am teaching myself to play and have found a love in myself I never knew existed. I have come a long way but know there is no end to what can be learned...I love that. This week I recorded a playlist album right in my living room that carries the theme of my path on this journey. I am going to put it here so that it may inspire others to keep on if they want to hear what self development can sound like. Sound quality is raw...but lyrics are in the description box. This is a bold move for me as I don't usually broadcast my stuff so thank you. https://m.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYeWjKsq-nmNwmVW911-lbsFptIKYy6mi

i have a spin bike at home...i do a lot of looking, listening and reading while i pedal away. this was an intersesting find for me today.

I have been blessed with the ability to have sleep paralysis. So...perhaps I need not seek that other dimension through psychedelics as some are. It is quite the same from what I have read...but...with that, I can only know through experience. I try to have an episode of sleep paralysis...and find my mind has to be racing with thoughts of everything not now. So into further of my wisdom...it has become more difficult to have sleep paralysis...perhaps because I am quieted by the more wisdom I acquire. Don't know. I do whatever is in me. To not is not me...that I know. No one around me is a good supporter of babysitting.

So after you really...and I mean really realise that you are alone in this...and still press forward...I guess you are there. You are where you need to be. This...the place where you will flower.

I see and have been experiencing a different reality than most my entire life...in very subtle ways and am finding the more I listen or see or feel without a construct, the more I am experiencing. This is being allowed onto me at the right time...unsaught and unforced. Also saw an interesting ted talk today...which meshes into the above.

What I have to wonder in this absolute infinite existence we are all in...is what is after the turquoise stage? In any one area of your life...I would think that this place could be reached. Why can I not find any info on it? Absolute infinity is what we are right? So what is after turquoise? Even if in one small piece of your life...there has to be something more...Right? So what I have to wonder is...if a person is so evolved at an early age...you would think they would evolve past turquoise and that pendulum would swing back to the individual. What in the Hell does that look like? Seriously...I would like to know what comes after the stage no person has apparently lived to experience....absolute infinity suggests it just keeps evolving. There is no end right? Or is there? All models point to an end much like existence apparently does.

I am not a person that does psychedelics...and when it was brought to my attention that people use them for consciousness work...everything inside said, WTF?! So I have been reading up on some stuff...seeing others trip reports and live trips and I can now see that people don't come back the way they go in...in that what they experience is sooo profound that if one is evolved enough and ready enough to see beyond what is here. I have had an experience with laced something in herb and was seeing orange and I had to make my way to the bathroom to look in the mirror to make sure I was still there. It left me in a panicked state that lasted what seemed to be forever. This is when is was young and quite ignorant to life. I don't know what it even was that a person had given me and I don't think it was the full experience of what these dividends are giving however, I have experienced the disconnection with self. I don't know if I will ever do psychedelics but after reading and seeing, I am no longer getting the knee jerk reaction I got just a few months ago. I have been an athlete for most of my adult life the physical demands I have put on myself with all the experience that offers...has gotten me to where I am now...which is not at all an athlete of the competitive nature...not for a couple years. Now I run because life allows it...and it is absolutely wonderful.

Not really knowing what a butt monkey is...I just looked it up. Alright...if that is the truth for you. Alright.

Is my being a butt monkey now a promotion in my status in here or an unpromotion from newbie...or was it novice? The beige stage? Hmm...no matter. I am where and whatever I am. The less I show may be the more beyond or into that is. Or not. No one is to say. What does a word say that an action can't tell? I don't know.

I make the gains I am supposed to be making at the rate they are gaining by being the watcher. Just as I am spending the right amount of time in each gain by not looking for anything more than what is now while I revisit lessons to strengthen gains that I have not fully mastered. What this means is I do what is in me at the time. That is me. Trying to do what I think at the time is not me...it is me thinking what I think I am .

I am seeing a lot of ascension...out there in life...on tv shows...just in general voicing...and whatever. So I wonder the competition development in this...and there is...I see it... I guess it is as it should...as all is...adopting the sit back and watch it all unfold is what I do...it will are come as it should...right? Why not just let it all go on while you watch...like a show on Netflix... really that's all I see this this whole existence as...a showing, a movie...one I sit back and watch. Ahhh popcorn. Thanks.

And also...I am grateful for the permission to let loose in here...cause in the moment sometimes doesn't mean anything. But rather just a purge of sorts. Once out it is gone...for me anyways. These purges too...are becoming less frequent as I go along here...but I am what I am. I love, I do and then get on with it.

And...also...I wanted to mention...sometimes...lately...I type a word...and it does not look like English. For example...the word quiet and then the word sold... I would type these and then question what the Hell I just typed...like my brain would glitch out...and then I would sit and look...look... look and would not see the word...as written in English...but just letters saying something else...or nothing. What do you think? Am I just... fucking nuts? Brain tumor...schizophrenia on set. I say fuck you... fuck you all. I need to change my profile pic...

Yes, while it is the truth that I haven't posted here in 5 months...No...I will not consider starting a new thread instead of reviving this one but thank you. So...with my evolvement...I will say that for the most part, it has been looked at as an oddity at best. I don't broadcast my changes but they are seen by others who once knew me and now just don't...I have been ok with it. In fact, it doesn't effect me really. With each individual that slides further and further away...I realize the attachment to what was goes with them. I have been really working on ridding attachments to people, things and interests...I am pleased that I have very little attachment left...and now if I lose anything...there will be little to no suffering over it. I love what I have but I see it is here only now. This is what it is to love without attachment. An exercise I do with me is...I ask, what do I love? One time I answered my eyesight, so I ate an entire apple with my eyes shut. Little things like that...the exercises and practice I do...it is in the experiencing that acquirers the growth...I have found.

So I have been practicing...not feeding into others...when they are...looking to be fed or fueled with the same negative energy they are projecting, I'll say, but instead project a peaceful unsided energy with or without a response or body language. I have also been practicing this with my own thoughts...my mind is very good at getting me filled with negative shit that ain't true about others and situations before I can catch it doing it. full blown out loud conversations, yelling matches and the actual playing of each side and how something would play out like I am preparing for some kind of altercation. It casts me into the future and ruins my now. none of it is true. I know this...but my mind still gets me. I will keep practicing.

Thank you FirstglimpseOmg.

Haven't posted here in a while. I have been recently diagnosed with graves disease and being a triathlete...It has crippled my training as I have suffered severe muscle myopothy. I will be taking the i-131 treatment Monday so my road to recovery will start albeit a long one. I am very accepting to what has happened to me. People are sympathetic as it is very likely that I will not be the same athletic person I was.. I was at a level that took many years to reach. This year I was to attempt my biggest feat yet and I am in love with what I do. I am handling this well...I just keep saying it is my turn. I have had a great life...I have done everything I have wanted to do...It is my turn. We all get a turn. I have had it good. It's alright...I am ok with the outcome. Whatever it may be. I can sit and enjoy the world just as much as I could participating in it.

Love the path you're on... Love the stage you're in... Don't forget to breathe.

i have not been in pursuit of this awakening...it has been more of something that is just happening for me/ to me...however you wish to say it. i am not sure one can get to the awakened state by trying to get there, i don't know. what i do know is that once realized that it is happening, it gains momentum with no trying from me. everyday there is something new by the shedding of the old. the ego dies...and everything that it knew and held important dies with it. i tried to keep it on life support...thought i could...but...it's not working. it's dying along with everything else. here is something that one doesn't see untill one see it. here it is; Alone in Enlightenment by Howdie Mickoski Realization is a very misunderstood...I was going to write achievement, but it’s not an achievement, just a happening. It is like making a long, steep, tough climb up a mountain, only to get to the top and go, “mmmm, nice view.” Then you walk back down. That’s it, nothing special, but it revolutionizes everything. Enlightenment is the shocking realization that there is only one. Not one thing, or all is connected, just one. It sounds like a simple re-ordering of words, but the meaning of that word order is profound. Everyone has the constricting belief that enlightenment or God is over “there” somewhere and their job in life is to “find” it. The problem is that we are “here” and will always be “here” – but if enlightenment is over “there,” how can it be found? Actually enlightenment/God is also here, always was here, but what it is, is actually not what 99% of seekers really want. Seekers want the enlightenment they have been sold: being happy, important, full of love, no more problems. Like a continuous orgasmic or drug high. That is the reason they are seeking in the first place, the wished-for, blissful finish line. If anyone really understood what awakening was, no one would want it. Enlightenment is about “alone.” A true encounter with the Absolute/God reveals that no one is doing the experiencing, only the absolute revealing itself to the absolute. Nothing exists, yet there is the appearance of existence. Realization is alone (all-one). But everyone fears alone, so they run to spiritual practice, patterns, lovers, food, booze, any distraction to avoid the only true fear. The fear of no self (often called emptiness) is the fear that “I” do not exist. Fear of no self is not the fear of death, but the fear that you as a human being do not exist at all. That is where all the “spiritual groups” get caught, they are looking for what’s in it for “them” or “us.” Realization is one and alone for there is no other. Everything that tells you that you are separate from anything else falls away. Thus you are alone, with the appearance of others. The initial glimpse of this is so terrifying to ego it responds with the emotions of meaninglessness and despair. But as soon as the mind falls away, those emotions go too and all that is left is What Is, and the marvelous curiosity about the dream and what is going to happen next. Suffering is the belief in the story of me. The question is, who are you without your story? Too frightening is this thought, so everyone keeps struggling because ego wants to keep the story of “me” going. Seeking becomes the strategy to overcome this fear, for as long as there is seeking, there is a seeker. Asleep people have experiences to confirm their existence. I am good, I am bad, I am in love, I am working hard, I am eating ice cream, I am suffering. All are defined with I, but if there were no more I, then who are you? This is the question that takes us to see there is no True Self. Only false self and no self. You don’t try to improve self, you kill it to break free of the illusion of the dream state. You kill it by finding out it was never there to be killed. The trick to this is to die while alive and then see what is left. Form will still be here, but now you will no longer be a person, just look like one, but who can you tell this to? And that can make this process a lonely one at times. We can be in a room full of people and still feel alone. The deepest truth is that everything is a dream or a movie, nothing exists, not even you. Connecting and relationships are the way fictional dream characters hide the fact that nothing exists, and if anyone pulls away, the other characters (your friends and family) will do everything to pull you back into the dream to confirm with them that everything exists and has meaning. Waking up is willingly drifting into that fear to see what will happen, doing it because we can no longer stand the alternative of not doing it. The road to all of this is a most solitary thing. Even if a few people walk together for a while, each one knows that they are alone and that they cannot expect anything from the others, nor can depend on anybody. The only thing he can do is to share his path with those who accompany him, and know that accompaniment could end at any moment. So it is normal to look for silence in the mountains or forest or the desert. These periods are like a lover’s retreat, to be with his own inner silence. Silence becomes their lover. The world for the awake is a rather solitary place, and learning to be comfortable in this state takes some work because our conditioning to be social is still in strong effect for the body/mind. Once one learns to enjoy themselves just as much with a group of friends as totally alone, that is when they have reached a new plateau in their state. Most people are simply social because they are so alone and want to do anything to avoid that feeling, while awakened realize that loneliness was just the core of what they are, went into it – and now they are like with a lover whether there are people around or not. They know there is no longer an other, so they need no other to feel “connected.” Hard to explain in words. Loneliness can also affect the newly awake because it is very draining energetically to spend a lot of time around the asleep and their make believe dramas and hopes. It gets hard to play that game, and you wish simply for more time alone. There is still the appearance of other forms, so we still interact with things like we used to – it just gets very hard for the dream to trick us anymore into thinking “something” is happening with some “other person.” But still, you have to act like things are real. It may not be a real rainstorm, but you go inside if “you” don’t want to get wet.

Thank you...I will try that.

I have not been here for a bit. I am all over the place. That is all.

I have never mediated. I use all of life's quite times like long lines, waiting rooms and red lights to practice and exercise mentally. Time is short and I for one...can't afford to assign time to something I get given to me way too often anyways.

and then i saw it last night, in my quiet wake time...i have a friend, that is going through a massive life altering change. i have been writing, "i am with you". to this person for the past few weeks. and writing "with you"...implys that i am some external force or some thought, a thing. the false sense of me really. my true self is infact this person and not what i have written at all. so one is to write, "i am you"...? ego would love that. unresponsiveness is the paradox here...in it's true presence. this is a picture of a random piece of paper that was blowing around in the wind i happened upon about 15 minutes after the god sign was taken. many of the shifts i feel come days later in quiet times. like some delayed awakening.