rcuch

I am disconnected from the people around me...but threw being in nature and creative self expression I have found connection with all. And...if I am needed in any way...I will be found. In the meantime, I keep on doing what I do and being what I am... Enjoy...or not. The message is always what is true for you. lyrics; i thought i knew life early on. it played over again like some sad song. some gift given and then it's gone. come to find out i was so very wrong. i am the nothing that blows the breeze. so what would this knowing do to you? all your experience illusion undue. when everyone has a different view. do you think you could except it as true? i am the nothing that blows the breeze. what comes after you die in life? the who you are now stands aside. positions fade dropping your disguise. the only one you are no longer denies. i am the nothing that blows the breeze.

The past few years have been interesting on this path. One door has been closing on me so another began to open. I have always love to create threw art but this door led to music. Many years ago a friend gave me an old guitar and as that one door began to close two years I actual saw this guitar as I never did. I picked it up and haven't put it down. I am teaching myself to play and have found a love in myself I never knew existed. I have come a long way but know there is no end to what can be learned...I love that. This week I recorded a playlist album right in my living room that carries the theme of my path on this journey. I am going to put it here so that it may inspire others to keep on if they want to hear what self development can sound like. Sound quality is raw...but lyrics are in the description box. This is a bold move for me as I don't usually broadcast my stuff so thank you. https://m.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYeWjKsq-nmNwmVW911-lbsFptIKYy6mi

i have a spin bike at home...i do a lot of looking, listening and reading while i pedal away. this was an intersesting find for me today.

I have been blessed with the ability to have sleep paralysis. So...perhaps I need not seek that other dimension through psychedelics as some are. It is quite the same from what I have read...but...with that, I can only know through experience. I try to have an episode of sleep paralysis...and find my mind has to be racing with thoughts of everything not now. So into further of my wisdom...it has become more difficult to have sleep paralysis...perhaps because I am quieted by the more wisdom I acquire. Don't know. I do whatever is in me. To not is not me...that I know. No one around me is a good supporter of babysitting.

So after you really...and I mean really realise that you are alone in this...and still press forward...I guess you are there. You are where you need to be. This...the place where you will flower.

I see and have been experiencing a different reality than most my entire life...in very subtle ways and am finding the more I listen or see or feel without a construct, the more I am experiencing. This is being allowed onto me at the right time...unsaught and unforced. Also saw an interesting ted talk today...which meshes into the above.

What I have to wonder in this absolute infinite existence we are all in...is what is after the turquoise stage? In any one area of your life...I would think that this place could be reached. Why can I not find any info on it? Absolute infinity is what we are right? So what is after turquoise? Even if in one small piece of your life...there has to be something more...Right? So what I have to wonder is...if a person is so evolved at an early age...you would think they would evolve past turquoise and that pendulum would swing back to the individual. What in the Hell does that look like? Seriously...I would like to know what comes after the stage no person has apparently lived to experience....absolute infinity suggests it just keeps evolving. There is no end right? Or is there? All models point to an end much like existence apparently does.

I am not a person that does psychedelics...and when it was brought to my attention that people use them for consciousness work...everything inside said, WTF?! So I have been reading up on some stuff...seeing others trip reports and live trips and I can now see that people don't come back the way they go in...in that what they experience is sooo profound that if one is evolved enough and ready enough to see beyond what is here. I have had an experience with laced something in herb and was seeing orange and I had to make my way to the bathroom to look in the mirror to make sure I was still there. It left me in a panicked state that lasted what seemed to be forever. This is when is was young and quite ignorant to life. I don't know what it even was that a person had given me and I don't think it was the full experience of what these dividends are giving however, I have experienced the disconnection with self. I don't know if I will ever do psychedelics but after reading and seeing, I am no longer getting the knee jerk reaction I got just a few months ago. I have been an athlete for most of my adult life the physical demands I have put on myself with all the experience that offers...has gotten me to where I am now...which is not at all an athlete of the competitive nature...not for a couple years. Now I run because life allows it...and it is absolutely wonderful.

Not really knowing what a butt monkey is...I just looked it up. Alright...if that is the truth for you. Alright.

Is my being a butt monkey now a promotion in my status in here or an unpromotion from newbie...or was it novice? The beige stage? Hmm...no matter. I am where and whatever I am. The less I show may be the more beyond or into that is. Or not. No one is to say. What does a word say that an action can't tell? I don't know.

I make the gains I am supposed to be making at the rate they are gaining by being the watcher. Just as I am spending the right amount of time in each gain by not looking for anything more than what is now while I revisit lessons to strengthen gains that I have not fully mastered. What this means is I do what is in me at the time. That is me. Trying to do what I think at the time is not me...it is me thinking what I think I am .

I am seeing a lot of ascension...out there in life...on tv shows...just in general voicing...and whatever. So I wonder the competition development in this...and there is...I see it... I guess it is as it should...as all is...adopting the sit back and watch it all unfold is what I do...it will are come as it should...right? Why not just let it all go on while you watch...like a show on Netflix... really that's all I see this this whole existence as...a showing, a movie...one I sit back and watch. Ahhh popcorn. Thanks.

And also...I am grateful for the permission to let loose in here...cause in the moment sometimes doesn't mean anything. But rather just a purge of sorts. Once out it is gone...for me anyways. These purges too...are becoming less frequent as I go along here...but I am what I am. I love, I do and then get on with it.

And...also...I wanted to mention...sometimes...lately...I type a word...and it does not look like English. For example...the word quiet and then the word sold... I would type these and then question what the Hell I just typed...like my brain would glitch out...and then I would sit and look...look... look and would not see the word...as written in English...but just letters saying something else...or nothing. What do you think? Am I just... fucking nuts? Brain tumor...schizophrenia on set. I say fuck you... fuck you all. I need to change my profile pic...

Yes, while it is the truth that I haven't posted here in 5 months...No...I will not consider starting a new thread instead of reviving this one but thank you. So...with my evolvement...I will say that for the most part, it has been looked at as an oddity at best. I don't broadcast my changes but they are seen by others who once knew me and now just don't...I have been ok with it. In fact, it doesn't effect me really. With each individual that slides further and further away...I realize the attachment to what was goes with them. I have been really working on ridding attachments to people, things and interests...I am pleased that I have very little attachment left...and now if I lose anything...there will be little to no suffering over it. I love what I have but I see it is here only now. This is what it is to love without attachment. An exercise I do with me is...I ask, what do I love? One time I answered my eyesight, so I ate an entire apple with my eyes shut. Little things like that...the exercises and practice I do...it is in the experiencing that acquirers the growth...I have found.