Preety_India

I made a mistake. The chant I was always listening to was Mahakaala. I confused it with Kaala Bhairava. Nevermind. But Vishnu is my ultimate protector.

Thank you Mahakaala. My personal protector

Thank God I could do it finally.. Thank you Mahakaala

This this this this.

The subject of evil is one.. The second.... I'm still figuring.

If you think women want a cheap deal I really don't know what to say. Are you sure you've figured out women? Women are no cake walk. And I'm seriously questioning your morals? What kind of a man wants a woman who wants a cheap deal.. You want a woman who goes around advertising herself as a pair of tits? Sure then. Give it a go.

Everyone likes an exclusive relationship. I guarantee that much. Nobody sank too low to accept a cheap deal.

I'm looking for clarity and closure in my life. Two things that I really wish I could get some closure on. The subject of evil - I still haven't got closure on this for the last 4 years that I have been struggling with it. I have contemplated numerous times with no clues to lead me to a proper conclusion. I can't pretend that I have answers to everything, I'm not that type. I take my own time for my spiritual quests.

I have been a very forgiving person all my life. I just don't know where to begin. I have lots of love for people.. I have never intentionally tried to trigger someone. But sometimes I just wish people the best. I don't know what to say. I have been living in a mentally fuzzy dissociated spacey confused state for this entire 2 month period starting April.

Can you believe this? BTW such things are so inspiring.

Check it out.

I will let my lover cheat This wasn't my mental equation a year ago. Now It's changed As long as loves me, I will let him do what he wants. Maybe I'm not in the right headspace. But I don't cheat, ugh, no.

The only religion is love.

Well V.............. As long as you love me...........

V does give me intimacy in between intervals. Like he would touch me, kiss me and grab me whenever I'm around in the kitchen. He gives me abundant amounts of attention. He does follow me around. He tells me that my pussy belongs only to him and nobody else. That he would kill if anyone tried to harm me. He cares about my basic stuff in a way no one would. Wakes me up in the morning. Does my laundry sometimes. Cooks dinner on days when I'm feeling ill. Rubs my back. Runs errands. Does call me at least once in a while to check on me. Hmm.

V tells me interesting things. He tells me that he is my husband. And so... I should respect his command. His love is not to be taken for granted. Then he proceeds to tell me that he has multiple extra marital adventures, just one night stands with other women. And he tells me that I shouldn't need to worry about that. Because those are not important to him. To him, I'm his number one. His wife and his ultimate woman that he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Not sure what to make of his words. He loves me but at the same time sees others on nights. But then how does he love me? He says this is how its meant to be. That I can run around with as many guys as I please. But in the end I will run back to him no matter what. That this is how a husband wife relationship is defined. This is how its gotta be. That he doesn't give a fuck if I slept with other men. Since I belong to him. He knows whatever happens, I'm back with him.

I know that people who hate me just wanna punch into me. They want to see me bleeding, dying. Maybe they want to practice necrophilia with my corpse.. They want my parts spilled out. They want to see the terror and Vulnerability in my eyes to their heart's content.. They want to get sadistic with me. Maybe somewhere in all those desires, they wish to preserve me still? Maybe they want to see me again? Maybe they miss me? Maybe there's a soft spot where they secretly do not want me gone and withered? Maybe in that spot they wish to understand me and not see me hurt? Who knows.... Not that I really care. Anymore.. Hate me some more. Throw stones at me. Shame me. I feel hurt by fake love. At least hate is genuine. There is no love lost in between... I have been treated miserably for years. No longer must I take it. Beaten, abused, gaslighted, bullied and then owned.

Rape me. Murder me. Torture me. Please. Until it satisfies the darkest corners of your bloody soul.

Maybe I should prefer being hated to being loved Because when you're being admired and loved, you have to constantly stand up to some expectations that are unknowingly inadvertently placed on you by those who love you/admire you. When you are hated, there is always a point where you could be hated no more. And what does hate even mean? Just the opposite of love? Don't we sometimes hate those who we secretly love the most? Yea hate is a strong emotion, stronger than love.

I visit S every night. I trust him to not exploit me.. He treats me gently. He understands my pain and doesn't judge me. I think some of us take to the darker alleys of life out of deep shame and repression. We turn to corners where we won't be judged the same way we are in society. S himself is devoted to bad activity. So how can he judge me?

I'm glad I found these three. They are better than the ones before. I feel connected.

My eyes filled with tears of blood. I cry for those I cannot be with.