Preety_India

My second boyfriend I was writing poetry and filling my journals. I used to carry hard copies of my journals. Back then it didn't click me that I could write online journals. So I would fill pages and pages and books and books full of details of my philosophy and insights. This quickly became my favorite hobby and I would religiously devote myself to writing my insights Some of my insights are lost in those books, I don't even remember where I discarded these journals. They were full of scribbled pages. I was writing like a fanatic.. It was fairly uneventful year. I don't remember any distinct incident in early months of this year. I just remember feeling emaciated and ill for most of the time. I used to feel lethargic. I was beginning to show effects of stress for the first time. The job stress and the stress of my father's death as well as the stress of the past relationship trauma with SHT and this stressful argumentative relationship with Bud was slowly eating me away bit by bit. I was feeling bogged down. Like I was gradually losing the will to survive. I started to discuss marriage plans with Bud again. I wanted to be done with everything, cut ties with my family and move in with Bud and start a new life. I was nagging Bud even begging him. He would as usual just ignore me.

My second boyfriend It was September that year. I was suicidal. I had given up on life. Having a boyfriend constantly using me as a target to punch with his Insecurities and a non supportive family had brought me to the brink. I had lost hope. I felt like an orphan. Bud was being such a bitch to me. He was playing psychological games with me. It was cruel I would say that psychological threat is worse than physical. There is something about psychological abuse that it breaks your entire mental fabric to shreds. This was the month when I turned to Christianity for help. And God helped me get through this dark period of helplessness and loneliness. It was December and I began to increasingly take refuge in spirituality to deal with the issues in my life. I knew spirituality was the answer. I knew that I was far away from inner peace. I was a work in progress.

My second boyfriend So Bud called me one day and said he was in distress and that he needed immediate financial help. He was in a city and he needed to travel home to the city where we both worked and that he didn't have the funds to travel. "I don't know whether I should ask you or not but I need $100 for my travel. I don't have any money. I have nobody to ask. I decided to ask you. It's ok if you don't have, you don't have to give me." I told him I'm giving him, and I proceeded to withdraw $100 from my bank account. Bud was constantly interrupting me while carrying out this transaction. He was constantly saying" no no no, you don't have to. You really don't have to. Maybe I can manage. I don't want to trouble you. Maybe I should not ask you. Because you will blame me later for having asked you to lend me money....... " his lecture went on and on while I'm making the transaction and I told him to just shut up and stop bothering. I knew he was trying to gaslight me. He wasn't trying to say that it was okay and I shouldn't help him. He was trying to save his pride while asking for money. That's how manipulative he was. He would bring up past shit to victimize and re-victimize me. After I transferred $100 to his bank account which I did immediately upon his request, he kept bugging me by saying that I would blame him later. Again trying to gaslight me. Trying to make me look bad, make me look wrong, place unnecessary blame on me, creating scenarios that didn't exist or weren't likely to happen. This Gaslighting went on for 2 days. I was completely stressed out. I was thinking in my head. That first of all I have to help this guy out financially and on top of it also get blamed and gaslighted by him. This was ridiculous. . I was suicidal after a fight with my family. Not over Bud. My family always thought Bud was a nice guy. Nobody really thought Bud was bad. Such was his game. He would convince everyone like a perfect con. Bud would have made an excellent car salesman. A snake oil salesman.

My second boyfriend So I called Bud again in the evening and told him to cut the bullshit and tell me his marriage plans because I don't want to be played again. Bud then told me to calm down and that he really wanted to marry me. That he just said it. Those were simply words and not his intentions. He told me that he will be with me forever. That he would never leave my side. That he would never cheat on me or betray me. Now I kinda calmed down after he said that he really wanted to marry me. Bud kept blackmailing me that he was going to lose his job that day because of my behavior. That it was really happening. They were going to get him fired. He was broke. He had nowhere else to go. I really believed his nonsense and I immediately apologized and told him how much I loved him. He then acted like he was forgiving me and doing me a favor by forgiving me. Two days later I thought that he must have lost his job. I figured out from someone in the office that the manager never called him. Bud was never going to lose his job. It was all his lying and Gaslighting to make me feel guilty. Bud would lie even about the smallest things. I don't know why he would do this. Why he needed to lie about very simple things. I would catch him in his lies later and he would fabricate more lies to cover up his past lies. Stories upon stories. I was gradually getting fed up with his lies Bud was very self righteous and stubborn. Everything had to be his way. Everything had to be my fault. Even though he was broke, his ego was huge. Bud was a big drama queen and a beta cuck. He had his own ways of throwing a fit and acting offended and playing victim over petty things. Bud would disagree with me just for the sake of disagreement. He had no sense of pride or shame. Bud had no problem with asking money from people. It was a routine thing for him to rely on others for his financial needs at the expense of his self respect. He wouldn't care to return the money. The only thing he had mastered was to play victim, get people to sympathize with him. So he would generally give some made up reason or story why he couldn't return the money that people gave him. In some ways, Bud was like a con artist. He knew how to play with people's minds and get them to believe his stories.

My second boyfriend He said to me that he really didn't mean it that way. This was Bud's way of Gaslighting me. Bud would always say something that he really meant the way he said it, later when I would confront him on what he said, he would start back pedaling realizing what was at stake and realizing that I had caught the gist, he would immediately realize that he had made a mistake and accidently blurted out the truth, so now he would carefully manipulate the intent and the meaning of what he said at first. This was always his way. He would start of by saying "hey, babloo, I'm not trying to be offensive and please don't take it too serious, but I will say this only if you don't take it to heart." and then he would say something really disgusting. Something odd and off putting. I really think that Bud was a psychopath who would always try to gauge my reaction beforehand to see how morally strong or weak I was, just to see what I would get offended by, to know in advance what mistakes to avoid. I feel that Bud was always thinking his words in advance. Everything was an act. Asking me a few questions was just Bud's way of testing me beforehand so that he wouldn't say anything that went against my moral code and that way he could always put on a show and be on the same moral plane as me. Bud was the smartest guy I dated, the most opportunistic and also the most cunning. His manipulative tactics were very strong and he used to go the extra mile to manipulate me. , I had grown miserable and almost mentally drained and incapacitated by Bud's constant manipulation and Gaslighting. I remember having a nervous breakdown in November because Bud wouldn't stop Gaslighting me.

My second boyfriend. It was evening. I called Bud again. He kept begging me not to call him. I wasn't having any of it. I was straight up ignoring whatever he said. Although I might appear meek and sweet most of the time, I can give someone a real hard time if I'm incensed. The tiger mode in me gets switched and I become a fiesty tigress when I'm in this mode and nobody crosses me during this phase. I get very competitive. I respect authenticity. So if a man straight up tells me whats on his mind, it would help to calm me or else I can go to any length and make him really miserable. A lot of men take me granted because they think I'm too sweet and goody goody. But that's just me being me when I am calm and decent. It doesn't mean that I don't have respect or I will let the person do anything they want. I have a warrior heart. I normally never get angry. But when I'm angry there is a purpose to it. Bud started to calm me down. Because he realized for the first time who I was. He had never seen this side of me. I was very caring and loving to him. I had never gotten mad or angry at him. I was like a sweet Swan in the lake. Always very graceful around him. He was absolutely stunned. He was fumbling with his words. He began to stutter as he spoke. I could sense the fear in his voice. Fear is what I wanted.

My second boyfriend. He picked up my call. I started blasting and raging at him right after "what the heck is this all about? Who am I??? Huh? What the hell did you say in the morning? You told me that you are planning to marry some other girl? Are you playing with me? You tell me this after we are done having sex? What the hell are you thinking? Who do you think I am? A mistress? Right now. Right now. I need the answer right now. Right now. I don't want to hear excuses. He then replied "calm down. Just listen. Maybe we can talk later." "no right now. Right now or never." "Babloo I might lose my job. The phones are not allowed here. They will record me talking to you. They will fire me for taking a personal call at work." "I don't care if you lose your job you bastard. I need my answer right now. Either you answer me now or I'm dumping you right now. I don't care what you do. I need my respect. I am not some whore. Do you get that. I thought you were a good man. Because that's what you showed to me. I even showed you to my mom you bastard, now tell me quick or lose me forever, what the hell did you mean when you said that in the morning. Huh?? " Then he said that his manager is summoning him. Probably because the manager caught him using the phone which was against the work guidelines. I was mad and I didn't care. If I had a shotgun I would have fired a warning shot just to let him know what was to come. I wasn't gonna be treated like that and I wasn't gonna leave without answers. If he wanted to marry some pig, he could go do that, but he had to leave me the F alone but he had to leave me out of his drama.. I'm not some cheap toy that he is going to play with. I kept calling him nonstop except when he was with his manager. My patience was running thin. I was having a violent temper that day. For the first time I felt that Bud betrayed my trust. When I'm in a relationship with a man, I'm absolutely and perfectly faithful and loyal. I don't even think about any other man, let alone marry another person while having a relationship. I find cheating the most disgusting act in a relationship. I don't take cheating lightly. Since I give so much of myself in a relationship I also expect the same loyalty and faithfulness in return. I was bugging Bud throughout the afternoon. I was calling him non stop out of sheer rage. If I'm in rage, it stays 24/7 until it calms down finally. The trigger has to be something strong because I don't make a deal about little things. So if I'm in rage, it's probably because something has hurt me deeply. Something that reminds me of something else. I had felt betrayed by SHT. I had felt used by SHT. I didn't want the same pattern to repeat again.. I was already traumatized by SHT. Now I didn't want to played by this loser broke guy that I begun to trust only because he put such effort in winning my trust. Why do men even do this? Don't try to win a woman's trust if you are not planning to be faithful to her. Just don't play games with her head. You might gonna have to pay. I was never gonna date this guy because he wasn't in my league. He was too much of a sore loser to belong to my league. I was rich, successful, beautiful, sexy, funny, intelligent, smart, more educated than him, more in every respect than him. And what was he. A broke loser who never wanted anything in life except a pathetic low paying job and a group of friends who will always have pity on him. Why was I with him? When we met for the first time in a park, he told me that he couldn't dream of getting a girl like me. I had just brushed it off and told him that he doesn't have to feel that way, nobody is really too good. But maybe he was right. I was too good for him

Congrats on angering them.

@Breakingthewall @Username @thisintegrated Is there mind racing on lsd?

@thisintegrated your own values

@RickyFitts thank you

Either you've a delayed existential crisis issue or you have some sort of an emotional disorder. Your behavior is extremely unstable and keeps butterflying from one to another. This is an indication of inner chaos and instability You'll not be happy in a marriage because instability means today you would love your wife and tomorrow you would lose interest in her. Marriage is built on a strong foundation of love that is lasting at least a long time before it crumbles. Your ideas are very fleeting and change from moment to moment. You've an addictive personality, I can tell. And this is generally a result of neglect from parents, lack of guidance, a poor framework at home and general lack of stability in life. For marriage, you need an extremely stable life. Otherwise the marriage breaks down in no time due to constant fighting. It will be a huge disappointment for you and the demands of a marriage will be very challenging for a person like you. I don't see a fixed trajectory in your life. You seem to thrive on dopamine in your life. Do you have bipolar? Because your behavior is extremely oscillating between highs and lows the way it happens in bipolar people, I see features of addiction in you which tells me some minor OCD is present. You might want to conduct a diagnostic check at a psychiatrist, the sooner you know your mental illness the better in terms of recovery. You are charging yourself on dopamine. It's ok to think of new ideas because it's exploration and nothing is wrong with it. But my exploration has a direction, the direction of my mental illness. Your exploration on the other hand does not have a direction. Why is it so chaotic? If you don't have a mental illness, then you probably just have a childish curiosity about a lot of things. Which is fine. But I'm likely to think that you have some sort of a disorder that is causing you to feed on dopamine and the most likely disorder that survives on dopamine is bipolar. Or this could be super plain existential crisis and I went through that and came out of it fine, it's temporary and the more you Contemplate (contemplating is not mental masturbating, it's an important part of growth), the more easily you beat existential crisis. My piece of advice - Get rid of addictions Don't waste time Don't think of marriage unless you have a stable life Work on core areas before you think of enlightenment Attain happiness in life Kick dopamine intensive habits Try to live cleaner stable life Smoking could be affecting your brain Explore one thing at a time Develop a structure or framework for life Develop a schedule Focus on building health Follow spirituality at a very slow rate Contemplate a lot Don't take life for granted Addiction can be a self destructive habit Clean up diet Make a list of things you want Take baby steps toward progress Don't compare yourself to others. Your journey is unique Try to achieve more clarity with your perspective, goals, ideas and vision in life.

@Someone here true. Have you Contemplated your top 10 values for the current stage of your life though? And if so, what are they?

Hmm good question. I'm not romantically attracted to Sadhguru. Passive spiritual men don't attract me. It's like you won't be attracted to a catholic nun. I think for romantic attraction, a person needs to possess a romantic face (which is a great fortune) and some romantic qualities. This is a messy landscape because attraction can mean different things to different people. Some people are attracted to generally considered "boring folks." how do we account for that? But generally speaking, certain qualities are attractive to both men and women and these qualities are attractive to a majority of people. For example I'd describe romantic qualities in men as - cocky, protective, smart, dominant, quick, decisive, moralistic, high integrity, fun, funny, sexy, affectionate, persuasive, witty, loyal, bold, courageous, attentive, active, disciplined, masculine, strong, intelligent, caring, loving, intimate,poetic. I'd describe romantic qualities in a woman as - sexy, gentle, sweet, coy, submissive, feminine, loyal, funny, affectionate, clever, sensitive, delicate, fragile, vulnerable, caring, passionate, loving, emotional, free flowing, innocent, beautiful, lively, elegant, soft, nurturing, spicy, spontaneous, cute, messy, fussy, intimate, intricate, mysterious, enticing, stimulating, interesting. Non romantic qualities for both - boring, unsexy, uncaring, not loyal, trashy, not funny, lacking in affection, insensitive, unpassionate, fickle, shallow, fake, invulnerable, unemotional, unloving, narcissistic, vain, cunning, ugly, passive, lazy, unable to create intimacy, rigid, stiff, ultra serious, not interesting, not stimulating, dumb, couch potato, monotonous.

@thisintegrated for example. Let's say your girlfriend cheated on you and you might say that it's not in your value system to be ok with cheating so you break off. But another person, their value system includes forgiveness and they place forgiveness at a higher value than judging a person for their mistake, as a result they will salvage the relationship and work out a resolution so that the partner agrees to stop cheating.

@thisintegrated what you generally believe in For example I like to have an order to my life, whatever you hold dear or what matters to you and your general principles.

I think a woman/man should hold some boundaries, not be super catholic nun about it but a person who does anything screams a bit low self Esteem and cheap.

@Loba oh nice. I will collect some stuff to watch on that day.

@thisintegrated but you said that lsd is all about love vibes. Now you are talking about hell? I'm confused.

@Asayake thank you so much.

Happy Birthday Daniel. May Lord bless you with a beautiful life. Have an amazing day! Birthday is yours but cake is mine

Empathy is understanding to the point you begin to feel how they feel and so can relate and understand, more like sharing. You may or may not provide emotional support but you will not be insensitive and you might even do bigger things to bring social change in the future to create awareness of such suffering, you might even go on a crusade to put an end to such suffering or to heal or find a solution. Sympathy means you acknowledge that someone is feeling bad yet you can't exactly relate or understand how they feel but you (out of social custom or politeness) at least acknowledge the suffering. You might even want to take action out of sympathy or provide emotional support. Pity means you feel sorry for them and lend them a temporary hand or even insult them and feel no interest in resolving their issues. This can be condescending and patronizing. You feel sorry for them and see it as a lost cause.

So today is Thursday. I'm going to be tripping on Saturday. That day I'll be a bit free and okayish. If any thing happens I can sleep on Sunday. There won't be any obligations on Sunday so

Can I play music during the tripping?

The Righteous.