Preety_India

@eggopm3 thank you.

I really want to connect these Chakras. I think these 3 Chakras are important to me.

heavy-on-me contemplations-and-clarity-downloading-information current-mood journal-decorations-and-pics neuroticism-and-malice root-chakra-and-kundalini-activation preetys-journal segments we-protect-those-who-we-love difference-between-bipolar-and-bpd

Add here.

@Jowblob @Michael Jackson I'm a demon. Tell me how I should create love between the two of you? Suggest me ways..

I don't feel like writing right now. I'm too tired.

I feel like a child who got lost in the sands of time. Babloo where are you?

Whatever is going on has been heavy on me. No I'm not an abuser. I never abused anyone. My BPD is my disorder. Only I know what it means to suffer from it.

My emotions are all garbled and chaotic. I just want a hug. Today is an emotional day..

I cried so much

June 17th. Joseph is angry. Mad. Furious.. He was lashing at me on the phone. He repeated/uttered the word bitch nearly 12 times under 3 minutes. He was laying into me non stop. I could not decipher what he was saying. He was so mad that his words became unintelligible.. His words made no sense

June 17th, 2019 I was watching a njcjs movie and just generally feeling sleepy.. I get a beep notification sound on my phone. It was 12.30 am midnight. It was a text from Rob saying — "hey, Joseph wants to talk to you." I wasn't expecting that. Out of the blue. I decide to call Joseph.. And. I hear a pause. Now.. I see Joseph's text messages "Babloo, where are you?" “I miss you. I am worried sick about you." Joseph then Says" hello" I say "hi" Joseph - "so what happened? Why did you block me?" I tell him that I just wasn't interested anymore. Joseph then pauses a bit.... Then lashes out in complete FURY

Reliving this trauma is very painful. But I need to throw this out of my system. The more I vomit the better I feel.

June 14th 2019. I was slowly coming back to normal. I could feel it My anxiety was going down. Slowly slowly slowly.. I was feeling like myself again.. I was hypersensitive. BPD is hypersensitive. I was eating again. I was sleeping again. The stress was going away. Slowly slowly slowly..

June 7 to June 14 th I was trying to cope the best I could. I was trying to live again. I didn't want anything to do with Joseph anymore. He was out of my life. The emotional abuse was gone. The fear was gone. The threat was gone.. No more walking on eggshells trying to impress this FUCKING BIPOLAR NARCISSIST. NO MORE BEING A DOORMAT. No more living in fear for my life.

I'm going through a lot while writing this. It's taking every ounce of my energy. I'm crying. It's too much trauma. Too much. I was hurt

June 6th, 2019 I had been the most vulnerable that I had ever been that day. It was evening. I get a text from Joseph. "Babloo, I just got out of jail." He used to call me Babloo, the name my family had given me affectionately. I woke up from a haze. I felt drugged. I read the message. It didn't register. I was neither happy nor sad. I was just a zombie. Joseph was sounding happy. I wasn't happy. He asked me, "what happened." I said - nothing. I said "I'm suicidal and I don't want to talk" I blocked Joseph. It was over.

June 5, 2019. I was having panic attacks and anxiety attacks almost everyday. I had become a shell of myself. A zombie. A broken woman My mind was broken. My heart shattered My body ravaged. I had stopped eating. I had stopped sleeping. I had stopped living. It was June 5, 2019. I had fainted. I was in a blur. That day I decided, if I have to save any shred of dignity and grace, I need to break up with Joseph. I was suicidal. I never wanted to talk to Joseph. Never wanted to see his face again in my life. Never means never.

June 1, 2019. That day my soul died. He was the only one I trusted. He was my soulmate. He was my everything. I had given him everything. I had given him whatever I had. Whatever I could. I became a zombie. I have been broken hearted before. But this was simply something I just couldn't cope with. Joseph how could you? How could you let me down so badly?

June 1, 2019. I had lost myself in loving Joseph. And I had found myself in losing him. I felt intense shame. I didn't want anything to do with a criminal who was hurting people and lying about it. If he had lied about little things, wouldn't have mattered, I would have let go But I couldn't imagine lying about beating up people. Wanting to kill people? I didn't want that. I was not going to support a man who physically harms people. No. No. No. Yes I'm at fault too. Yes I'm no Saint. I've made mistakes. But I never killed anyone nor attempted to kill anyone. I would Rather be dead myself than kill someone else. I decided this was my last. My last goodbye. I couldn't take anymore I won't support someone who goes to prison. I draw the line. Anything but prison. I had taken so much abuse from Joseph just to help him out, to drag him out of his depression, to be by his side during his toughest situations. To love him, to serve him. To be his constant companion. To offer him support. To give him a shoulder. And to love him the best way I can. All of that to come to this moment of deep betrayal, shame and loss.

June 1, 2019. Joseph had broken my trust in the most spectacular ways. I felt ashamed of myself. Was I dating a criminal for so long? What would I have said to my family? What if they asked me, "what's your boyfriend doing?" Would I have been able to have the courage to say "my boyfriend is in prison for domestic violence." I felt a deep sense of shame wash over me. Where were my morals? Why was my shame? Where was my dignity? Had I lost sense of right and wrong in mindlessly being in love with Joseph. Had I lost sight of self respect?

May last week, 2019 Jeff was German. Jeff was a kind of man who could break promises in an instant. His word was equivalent to sand slipping through your fingers.. The court hearing date arrived. May 27th. I was desperately praying. Desperation holding on to. Desperately waiting. And......... Nothing.. Just nothing. My mind was spinning again. I refreshed the record. And this time my brain spazzed out. I felt completely blank and stunned. The record showed Felony B assault charge. I immediately looked up online what kind of sentences were given for felony B charge. The answer was a minimum of 1 year in prison. My heart shook. I could not believe this. No way was I going to wait until 1 year for Joseph to come out of prison. Just no way. My head was spinning. Jeff had not posted the bail. Just empty promises.. I hated Jeff for doing this. I hated everyone including Joseph. I felt betrayed. I felt like Joseph had hidden something from me. Something sinister. I felt like Joseph was not the person I dated and trusted Joseph was a criminal and I should have known better. That day I lost trust. I became a Zombie.

May last week, 2019 (I'm feeling extreme levels of stress while writing this. It is bringing out my deepest traumas. Please in this moment spare me please. I'm not myself. I just want to be okay while venting. Sorry all of this is too emotional for me). Joseph's court hearing was scheduled on May 27. I was frantic. No sleep. No food. No appetite. No peace of mind. I was growing frantic by the hour. I was losing this battle. I thought I was a strong girl who could take it all. Beneath all that facade of strength and might was a girl who was deeply vulnerable and lived in total fear. Joseph had given me Jeff and Rob's number before the arrest. I called Rob. Rob listened to my sob story and said, "What can I do about that?" That kinda pissed me off and i hung up. I frantically called Jeff. I was crying over the phone. I explained him that Joseph was arrested in Snohomish County and needed $250 bail.. He tried to calm me down. He was Joseph's best friend. Joseph counted on him. Jeff told me there was nothing to worry. That he would post the bail and keep Joseph safe. I was feeling relieved. At least there was Jeff to help.

May last week, 2019 I frantically began to find ways to help Joseph in any manner possible. I wanted to do anything for him. Just save him from all this jail trouble. I was in Denial. I loved Joseph even though I wanted to leave him. I wanted to help him one last time. Save him.. Rescue him. Do something. Do anything. I reached out to the Department of Corrections Facility Snohomish County. I sent them emails after emails. I called them.. I went online to random chat forums. Asked people about American rules regarding meeting someone in jail. There was an American girl on that forum whose father had been arrested. She provided me with a link for the Snohomish County jail department. Or whatever that is called. I don't correctly remember.. I can only write as much as I remember. So I clicked the link and filled out a form for enquiring about the inmate. No reply from them It seems like there was no way to meet someone if they were recently arrested. I refreshed the roster website. It showed that the inmate needs bail of 10% of $2500. This means $250. I was thinking that I won't be able to do it. First of all, I won't be able to tell my family that Joseph is in jail. That would the most shameful thing. Nobody in my family ever went to jail or prison.

May last week, 2019 I couldn't sleep a minute. I spent the whole night worrying. I got up in the morning feeling broken down and tired. I felt like I was in complete shock. Next day I looked up Snohomish county jail records and there it was.. His record of arrest. Fresh inmate roster. His charges read - "Assault 4 charge, threatening to kill. Harassment Previous conviction of violence." My heart dropped. My heart began to sink. I was flooded with intense anxiety, paranoia, suspicion, fear and stress.. My stress levels sky rocketed. For the next 5 hours I had the most intense panic attacks that you can imagine back to back. I just couldn't calm down. I was going mad with anxiety. My mind was spinning. Did Joseph hide something from me? Was Joseph lying about his jail arrests? Was Joseph truly violent? Could Joseph have done this to someone? I wanted nothing to do with someone who thinks it's okay to kill others, no matter what reasons and justifications.. Had Joseph hidden a lot of bad stuff from me that I probably wasn't aware of? My anxiety simply wouldn't go down. I spent the whole day totally nervous and in utter shock and disbelief.