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Chapter 85 Suffered from flu on 10 November

Chapter 84 The other concept is basic narcissism. This is healthy because it is basic. Toxic narcissism is dangerous. But some basic narcissism is necessary for self preservation. It involves a strong self protective instinct, the ability to say no, draw boundaries, make others get along, be strict, not give in easily, not to fall in trap of other's judgement and validation,draw clear lines, express honestly, be assertive and self confident, be emotionally free and not dependent, bringing power to yourself.

Chapter 83 The other concept is emotional intensity or emotional strength. This means how intensely emotional you're about something. How much emotional value you attach to someone, an object, a goal, a desire, an event, a past incident, etc etc. Higher the emotional intensity higher is the passion. Passion helps achieve goals. Thus emotion is a central key to motivation.

Chapter 82 I know I know, I know what's happening with me. I'm just not crazy My emotions are just in a tailspin that is all. I am thinking about 2 different concepts that came to my mind a few days ago. That is emotional strength and emotional expansion. Very important ones. Emotional expansion means experiencing a wide range of emotions both from positive to negative. And the deepest side of the negative and the extreme side of positive. It also means that you experience intense emotionally challenging or psychologically challenging experiences and situations like a plethora of emotionally twisted or inert or subtle or situations involving emotional conflict or turmoil, and experiencing psychological impact of deeply emotional experiences, both good and bad. This opens up emotional maturity and extension and expansion of the emotional experience index/spectrum. Also it brings psychological experience and psychological maturity and psychological radar opens up. I can call this the psych-radar. The psych radar sharpens. Now you're easily able to detect and understand psychopathic behaviors. This is not all encompassing, in the sense it does not include all experiences of life like experiences related to health or financial disaster or the system or law enforcement or career etc. Just emotional experiences. So mostly relationships. However these experiences are intensely involved with the most personal part of our lives. The other added benefit of such an expansion of the psych radar is that they also help in daily evaluation of even those who are just acquaintances solely on the basis of body language and communication. What a person is really about is easily visible through what they write or speak. The way they communicate their different ideas. It is a wealth of information into the person's psyche. This field should be called "language character decoding." that is decoding a person's character based on their language or words. So instead of saying eyes are a window to the soul, it should be words are a window to the soul.

Chapter 88

Chapter 87

Chapter 86

Chapter 85

Chapter 84

Chapter 83

Chapter 82

Chapter 81 My only peace is the pool game, Wicca practice and this journal, a few video games.

Chapter 80 "Hydrate your soul." These words are so beautiful. Saw them in a random comment. They make perfect sense. All I needed was emotional liberarion to feel in place 1. First there is a man 2. Then there is a dynamic of the relationship. There are four types of people based on inward and outward behavior. 1. Outward behavior is unpleasant. Inward behavior is also very bad or unpleasant. Such people are " malevolent " 2.Inward behavior is good and outward behavior is good. "Healthy" or "Serene 3. Inward behavior is good Outward behavior is bad and outrageous . Such people are "innocent ignoramus" 4. Outward behavior is good. Inward behavior is mean and cunning and sociopathic or harmful. Such people are " toxic deceptive " 5. Outward behavior is crazy. And inward behavior is neutral or pleasant. Such people are "unstable volatile". 6. Outward behavior is neutral. Inward behavior is also neutral. Such people are "spectator" There is nothing like good or evil. There is only psychological profiles. Examples of different profiles Possessive, narcissistic, annoying, abusive, mean, catty, bully, sociopathic, dominating, aggressive, passive, volatile, impulsive, extortionist, manipulative, bitchy, user, bossy, follower, naive, emotional, overly sensitive, heartless, innocent, shallow

Chapter 79 There are different rooms. . Swan room... Self and self. Concept of the soul and the temple and the journey from birth to the afterlife. White room... Positivity. Growth of the soul. Flower room. Worship. Altar. Vortex room. Exploration of darker things, of knowledge and understanding of the world and reality. Evil and its impact. Scientific study of the human mind and psychology.. Black room. Earth room. Everything material and how things can be manifested into physical reality. Understanding the physical nature of things. And why physical or material is as important as spiritual. Therapy room... Healing the Ego. Talk therapy.

Chapter 78 5th November I have finally escaped and it honestly feels wonderful. A breath of relief. Everything can finally come together.

Chapter 77 3rd November. 4th November I'm just a total mess right now. Can't sleep. Emotionally exhausted. Feeling bitter and bored. Life sucks big time. I wish I had found this journal a long time ago. My soul should be taken away. From October 17 till now it has been excruciating 16 days. I remember Oct 16 buying something for. Did I talk to him on October 20 again. Maybe I can check.. My only peace is the pool game, Wicca practice and this journal, a few video games.

Chapter 76 Wicca started on 21st September

Chapter 75. The past 20 days have been a horror ride for me emotionally. So much I went through I just felt helpless.

Chapter 74 Today is an emotional day. I had emotional moments on October 23. And now I'm still having a hard time dealing with things. I have decided to finally leave and give up. I'm not putting any more effort. Enough is enough. I try to be nice. But If someone has to just hurt me and get at me all the time, you just can't do anything about it. Today is November 2. I have been dealing with too much. Yesterday I had a full emotional rant on everything he said. It was constantly in my head. I am too much in it to feel okay. I just don't want my life to be ruined anymore. He has been a bitch. Nothing short of a tormenting bitch.

Chapter 73 I'm under a lot of stress. I love this person infinitely. But at some point I will have to break free. It's very confusing and difficult. I love him immensely. I possibly cannot live without him. He is the love of my life. But it's difficult to live with him. It won't be possible for me. I feel very bad and this love has been like a punishment. My heart is broken. I feel absolutely miserable. God knows my heart. My heart is pure. I felt terrible guilt every day. I pray to God that he understands what is happening with me. This is probably the greatest injustice in my life. To love someone so much, to care for them so much to know there will no happily ever after is just so painful. God should do justice to my feelings. I have never felt so strong for a man in my life. Or even a person. I feel like I can die for him. It's madness. I love him truly madly deeply. And I am totally confused. Because there is this terrible guilt in me. He is my greatest passion, my greatest desire, never have I felt overcome by emotion in this manner, never I have felt so strongly to have someone. He is the only thing I want. My life has no meaning without him. God can hear my screams. God can feel how much I want him and yet I can't have him. My dream will never be fulfilled. It's an empty dream. I want to be buried next to him. I know this will never happen. God knows my burning desire. It's unjust. My life is in the middle of a standstill. God please hear me out. Put an end to my restlessness. Give me peace when I'm gone. Unite me with him in heaven if not on earth. Unite me with him in spirit. I have hungered for him since a long time. I have grown weary. Love has driven me crazy. All I see is him in my heart and soul and mind. I feel deep sadness and my heart is broken because what I wanted the most is what I willl never have. A man lives for his desires. I will never be fulfilled or happy because I know my desire has to be buried. I never had great desires. This is one thing I wanted the most is to be with him in life and in death. I want to be with him peacefully in heaven. God your greatness is unbeatable. Give what people need. Give them your grace. I've been driven mad by his love. It's very painful to love someone knowing you will never be there with them. It's a punishment for life. Guilt, pain and agony have consumed me. I feel guilty for everything. I feel the pain of having to lose someone I consider the most precious. I already feel the loss. I feel lost too. Evrything is a blurr. God you know my heart and you know I did not do anything wrong. I have fallen in love. This was my greatest mistake, my greatest pleasure, my greatest joy and my greatest punishment, all at once. God find a way through this mess in such a way that he ain't hurt I respect and deeply admire him. I wish I could be with him forever and into the afterlife. God have mercy on my soul. God knows the truth. Make him happy. Make him good. I cannot live without him. Take care of him God. I have no ill intention or bad motive. I have no hidden motive. I had no impurity or greed or any malice or any conspiracy in my heart. My heart is pure and innocent. It has not lied whil431e loving him.

Chapter 72 Today is 1st November. I accomplished some of the tasks from my tasks list today. So I feel good. I did good. Cheers to myself. I'm going to elaborate on the white hole and the swan room concept. And going to implement these concepts since 1st November. [2018]

Chapter 71 Zveth, Zhin and zee together form triquetra or triple circle. 3 circles. Triquetra. Or triple circles or rings. Zveth represented by any knot. It's a life force present in everything. It binds. It's the soul. The symbol of the knot is ~°~. Zveth knots can be seen in pentacle pendants. Also represented by a ring sometimes. The smallest ring will be Zveth. 3 symbols - small ring, any knot, Celtic knot without circle, or ~°~ Zhin by a smaller ring. zee by a larger ring. Zhin and zee are together to represent character or spiritual quality and spiritual force or strength. This is a double ring. Along with Zveth it will form a triple ring.

Chapter 70 October 31 Halloween.

Chapter 69 The spiritual force or energy can be called zee. This is the energy that binds together Zhin, and Zveth. Even Dzhin. Now the trio combination of Zveth, Zhin and zee is a holy trinity represented by the triple. By a triskele or a triple spiral, or three circles joined together. It's unsure what the symbol of Zveth should be. It needs to be changed. It can be a plain circle. Or an oval hollow. It can be shown as ~°~. Chapter 67 Updated Chapter 57 and Chapter 58 Chapter 57 Medal or Pendant representations 1. Dzhin - pentacle 2. Zhin - ring..ring pendant. 3. Zveth - flame or egg or any oval pendant. Both teardrop and oval are okay. Teardrop, oval or egg shape pendant. 4. Itztli - Vase or pot that keeps filling like an infinite pot or bottomless well. .. Infinity pendant or ring. Or a vial pendant containing salt. 5. Solis or Sol . God consciousness /sol[Roman] = fire + spirit + water + storge + salubris +sophos[curative] + air + Solis + karma. Sol is represented by a circular disc pendant. A larger representation is a huge disc or plate. You can use a large dinner plate. You can also use a sun pendant. 6. Unfulfilled desires skull ring or skull pendant. A larger representation will be a huge skull on a skull box. Also a dish having five filled circles inside this box . 7. Raum or MALPHAS - letter T or raven bird - letter T pendant. This is not a cross. Or a raven bird or crow pendant. A larger representation is an artificial raven bird decoration piece. 8. Meszezeteotl - pentacle pendant same as Dzhin. A larger representation is a black trapezoid. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Chapter 58 6 elements of the human body. 1. Body 2. Mind 3. Spirit or Zhin 4. Soul or Zveth 5. God's spirit or Dzhin 6. Itztli or consciousness Each to be represented by a ring forming six interlocked rings. The combination of Zveth zhin and zee to be represented by the triple spiral, triskele or the 3 rings or circles intertwined

Chapter 68 October 31. Halloween. An important festival. Today will be the day with my friends in the evening.