Preety_India

January 6 Chapter 162 I forgot to sign in as P learrnings. That's what I'm going to do from now. Steps I'm gonna take to deal with this new relationship Sign in as P learrnings. Keep low key Do not have a conversation about relationships Stay off and avoid as much as possible. You made it clear in December that you are just a friend and that you aren't going there.. Now you don't have to carry the burden of guilt. You made it all clear. You didn't do anything wrong. Ignore any comment that is insulting.. Reduce text time. Do chats Discuss about other stuff Conveniently move out of his space. Don't give him much time of the day. Say you're busy.. Pull yourself back emotionally. Don't be emotionally invested at all. He is playing a game with your life. Understand that. Stay away from his toxicity. Always praise him to keep him happy. Don't get him angry. Keep just one account to reduce hassle Communicate less and less frequently maybe thrice a week. This reduces the frequency of fights. Do not message consecutively. Like keep a day off between two days of communication. This way it doesn't get too heavy. The sign in as p learnings is a great idea. I am so dumb. It just didn't click in my head. It didn't occur to me even if I created that account a year ago almost and never used it. Now it's gonna be put to good use. The idea became so much more workable when I was on the trip. It was an excellent way of distracting myself from the toxicity. I realize that most of the time I'm just dumb or unaware or not getting brilliant ideas. I'm like stuck in the head, like a fog in the brain. It's like tunnel vision and and probably hidden depression. Or just plain laziness. But I'm not really lazy because I think a lot No idea why this happens. It's a part of my self destructive behavior that will eventually unravel itself.. I'm just sitting with no ideas in the brain. This could be because of carelessness, I don't know, maybe I suffer from dissociation disorder, so my thoughts are all over the place and don't form a coherent pattern and combined with very high emotional instability. I have realized it could also be a part of autism I guess I have diagnosed myself. I could be having a certain degree of following disorders. Anxiety Depression Emotional distress syndrome Schizoid personality Emotional instabilities Dissociation disorder Burnout. Tunnel vision Mild autism Emotional codependency Self destructive suicidal behavior Avoidance or aversion Being around narcissistic people has aggravated my condition.

The cracking of lips happens when there is improper mouth breathing. Noted. Write about bills on sequence notes.

Chapter 161 Note to myself - if you're bringing a man in your life, bring a good one and a really good one, not a bad one or a semi - good one because it's a source or tension and unnecessary stress. A source of chaos is all it becomes. A relationship takes over life and emotions can be very addictive and stubborn. There should be a no compromise policy. Any compromise is seriously harmful. Any compromise is an indication of low self worth and low self esteem and lack of boundaries. And lack of self care, in short carelessness and self destructive behavior. Don't treat your body like a toy and play with your mental and physical health. Your body deserves more love from you. And

A break from everything can make such a huge difference. Break from humanity and life lol.

Pay bills.

Chapter 160 This relationship is a joke and it's BS.. I've ended it finally. We are just friends I also told him that during the trip in mid December but I guess he didn't take me seriously I feel free. But I will always long for the person I fell in love with. Always. He was the prince charming of my life. Its sad that I went through horrendous year in 2018 with him. It was a train wreck. But anyway. I'm glad I'm over it now. One day I will thank myself

Saturday January 5 Chapter 159 He will talk whenever he wants or whenever he misses me. I am no longer going to show that I'm invested in any way. I am moving on and I will make that clear. I have this guilt that I broke your heart but anyway. It had to happen. It was too toxic. I am focusing on better things and this year will finally bring hope that never existed before. My relationship struggles are over for good.

Won't be in any groups anymore. No more drama. And also won't be on Facebook that much. It's just toxic. Will post something nice once a while. Will keep just one account on the private text service. This way its easier to deal when there is a block situation. No more boobie around the block or pitying myself and no more dealing with the stress of handling accounts and moving back and forth with angry messages on multiple accounts. If he doesn't want to talk, it's fine. It's fine if the whole thing is frozen. I have told him already on new years eve that I won't be coming to his place ever. I made myself clear and I no longer carry the burden of not having told or cleared anything. I am just a friend now. And it's no longer any more emotional. I'm pulling back emotionally I mean. No more hangups. No more guilt and getting guilt tripped.... The break of nearly 15 days helped in the process of healing from this toxic relationship.

Made my first Facebook post after a break. Didn't want to be there for a while

I'm a sensitive person so even little things impact me. Like I don't want another phone call from my ex. Its disturbing.

Sequence box It will contain sequence notes for every hour. Sequence pad on which these notes will be attached. A hard cardboard pad. Refer to previous sequence notes. Every note will carry a number. For example. Sequence note 3 Sequence note 9 and so on.

January 5 Chapter 158 Sequence boxing worked well yesterday. But my anxiety was high while shopping yesterday. Strained nerves. Felt like quitting. Taking baby steps. Feel claustrophobic. Like tensed. But managed it. Loving yourself is the most important lesson

January 5. Today I'm not feeling good. But I'm managing. Yesterday my ex had called me late in the night. What a shitty person. He was trying to argue still. I am starting to see all the bullshit. But anyway. I am trying to get emotionally independent this year. It's hard with no family support..

"if you think that we are really evil, than you deserve more evil people in the world to know real evil."

You should only be negative up to the point to which the outcome is to protect you. Beyond that point you should stop being negative.

In the end God wins and judgment loses. Truth wins all the time. No narcissist can defeat the truth no matter how hard he or she tries..

Thursday January 3

No damage month

The reason people engage in superficial discussions is because they haven't suffered enough emotionally and they don't have deep experiences or suffering and therefore no empathy or concern. So they become shallow In life you need two things. One is getting baked and cooked through all of the experiences. That is basically experiencing suffering. That molding. Experiencing a wide range of emotions and challenges. Second thing you need is intelligence and empathy and concern. To understand suffering and ways to resolve it. To resolve it you need intelligence and to understand it empathy is needed. The third thing that is needed to understand deeper things in life is transcendence . Having come full circle . Transcending all experiences and emotions and struggles and passions . Narrowing all of them down to * Experiencing suffering and exertion or molding, life experience * Intelligence * Empathy * Transcendence By taking on more emotional stress you are diving into a cesspool of problems and despair.

Substantial amount of effort is needed achieve or see substantial progress.

This entire year was the biggest test of my life, the most stressful period of my existence. Yet I tried and held on through the test. I tried surviving the abuse and pain and frustration. My health took a very dangerous turn because I turned extremely negligent to my body out of desperation. It was a call for help. I was too tired and sick and stressed out and too weak to do anything drastic.. But now it's all over. Thank God. Thank God. Now I can start my life all over again, from scratch. But honestly this is better than being stuck in a doldrum forever. Now I at least have a clearer view of what I need and want and how I should proceed. The road is clear. The fog is gone. The mist of doubts has melted.

This is 31st December night. It's already 1st Jan 2019.. I want to wash away all the dirt of toxic relationships behind and start afresh.. I want a new life, a new way. I'm tired of being called and blamed and pushed and triggered and being made out to be someone I'm not, being called a monster, made to look like a monster, just because I don't stand up too much for myself or because I don't know how to play victim, all of this being thrown at me, I have been through so much stress and I've never been strict with people in my life, I've been targeted, bullied, dominated, harassed, labeled as a psycho, monster, narcissist, toxic person, ugly,, sociopath and I mean what more character assassination is left. I've suffered narcissistic abuse at the hands of a narcissist abuser in a terrible hazardous relationship but I made my final wake up call on December 24 night, a fateful event in my life and a pivotal incident that reminded me of how sick humanity truly is. How terrible people can be to each other. How blame game really ruins everything. How big egoes matter so much over so little. I've had enough of the BS called relationship. This woman by the name Shahida Arabi really helped me understand whatever I was going through in the past few months. I am the victim of narcissistic abuse. He is definitely a very wonderful good man but he is an abuser just like my mom and I'm done with both of them. I highly recommend this book POWER: Surviving and Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse by Shahida Arabi. When I read her articles on the internet and saw her videos, it opened my eyes to the reality of my life this whole year of 2018. 2018 was a total roller-coaster disaster. I went through so much pain sadness and confusion with no fault of mine. I had done nothing wrong yet blamed constantly and put down and treated with absolutely no respect or dignity. There was some affection and love and that's what I was hanging on to, but the fights were taking a toll on me. The insults and bullying and degradation were too much to bear. However better late than never. I'm recovering and hopefully all will be fine now, once and forever. I'm putting all my problems to rest. I don't want any more of this drama in my life. I'm a simple person. All of this drama has made my life too complicated. I will research on healing and recovery from narcissistic abuse and how to thrive in life. I am starting my journey towards emotional healing once and for all. I need to figure out not life but how to thrive in life. I have pretty much figured it all out already in this little journal that I've been keeping for months but there is still some figuring out to do and no knowledge is ever complete, life is always full of twists and surprises and there is always more to learn along the way in life. The only requirement is enough fuel and the ability to not go bust by any curve balls thrown at you, that is, the capacity to survive, thrive and sustain and rejuvenate through all of the terrible experiences and learning that life will throw at you. You just have to be able to survive it all and save enough time to make a good turnaround and start a good new life I'm ready now. Ready player one lol. I'm ready to face life finally after many years of being in confusion, abandonment, childish immaturity and deprivation of every kind. Hopefully this time I won't make silly mistakes again and waste my time. I don't want to... I want to get back my lost years. My lost life I want total mental and physical regeneration. I want to regrow I want to regenerate. I was a small plant that was crushed by life's problems and suffering for very long. Now I want a rebirth and I want to grow again out of hopelessness and despair. I'm ready for a healthy happy life again. I want to show God that I'm a deserving child and that all hope is not lost yet. I know I made mistakes. But they are really not mistakes rather just childish innocence and lack of tact and maturity, lack of basic understanding and sometimes even lack of common sense. Love is truly blind and now I can see how. I see how much blind I was in love. Love makes the world go round. Yea love makes a person crazy. But love is an error, a fallacy, an illusion of the feeble mind looking for emotional satisfaction. I fell in love spontaneously and fell out of it with regrets. Just too many regrets. It's piling up. Time to recheck what's going wrong with me. I have grown out of love. I have realized that true love does not exist and even if it does one has to be extraordinarily fortunate to fully consume and experience it. Much of what is called true love is just a farce and people who throw it out there and market it are just snake oil salesmen in the love business. I don't wanna ever believe in love again. No more being stabbed in the back by my lover. No more betrayals. I'm sad because of what I had to go through. But I'm also happy because at least I won't have to go through it again.. Lightning doesn't strike the same place twice. I have a good intellect. I believe so. But I've been marred by emotional deficiencies.... I have had too much lovelessness in my life. I felt like an orphan growing up. I never got a hug or a single word of appreciation. It killed my soul. I will finally get my life together. I will win it back. I will rise from the dead again. I will try to thrive. I'm a dreamer but sometimes dreaming can clash with reality. Really bad. So bad that the dream turns into a nightmare.

December 31 It's not just the absence of toxicity but also the presence of growth and maintenance, care, sustainenance, rejuvenation regeneration, that is important. Good community is created by good people. A good system is made of good components. A good building is made of strong building blocks. Good people have Good principles Good values Good traits Good qualities Principles integrity, philosophy, mentality, attitude, beliefs, thoughts, Values righteousness, honesty loyalty, intentions, morality Traits politeness, gentle, good tempered, calm, patient, discipline, clean habits Qualities courage endurance, determination, empathy Principle can be right or wrong Qualities can be present or absent. Can be compatible or detrimental Values can be moral or immoral Traits can be desirable or undesirable.

I'm working towards ending this relationship. Hopefully next year will be a good start for a fresh new beginning with new perspectives and goals. The video game saved me from the destructive relationship. Mos and aml

Any reason you have given to yourself to kind of put up with a abusive relationship or just stay in it or refuse to break or be too lazy about it is your death knell. Every such reason is just bullshit. None of it ever works. In the end, you will either break the relationship out of frustration because it will get too suffocating or you might end up in the hospital. But one way or the other its going to be bad. An abusive or toxic relationship can never have a good outcome. Better late than never. The earlier the demise of such a relationship the better. You thinking that it might change and you hoping that things can get better is just an illusion. Also instead of getting better things are only going to get worse. Early signs of a bad relationship means that it's badness or toxicity is only going to escalate. A bad relationship can never turn into something good. If you begin to see signs of discomfort early on or even later midway through the relationship then its given that it's not going to be good. It's like a scientific process like a disease pathology. It will always operate like that unless there are exceptions. A bad person is a bad person. Incompatibility is incompatibility. Nothing can change it. Nothing makes it better. A bad relationship is bound to fail sooner or later It's important to recognize signs of a bad relationship early on. The first signs are abusive behavior, words used, fights, nature of the fights, constant disagreements, toxic nature, disrespect, lack of privacy or space, obsession, control, domination, disruption of daily schedule, getting stressed out or burned out, constantly feeling anxious or the need to please or seek approval, not eating on time, improper or lack of sleep, sleepiness in the day, disruption of work, insomnia, health problems, over eating or comfort eating, weight gain, weight loss, bad eating habits, lack of focus on health, pushing yourself to the edge to please, abusive words or behavior shown, constant criticism or nitpicking, lack of appreciation, pressuring for sex, pressuring for more time or attention even when you are genuinely busy, greedy behavior, lack of concern for your health or needs, lack of concern for how you feel, seldom apologies, not ready to apologize when they should, feeling depressed or deprived of basic affection. comparisons to others, threats, blackmail, emotional blackmail, relationship leaving blackmail, manipulation, bullying, harassment, cheating, secretive or open flirting with the opposite gender, talking or being friends with those that have disrespected or fought with you, lack of understanding, constant talk about the relationship itself, attack on the opposite gender, showing hate for the opposite gender, use of mean language. When any of the signs are seen, it's best to gradually work out a plan to end or escape the relationship step wise and put an end to it before it gets too late. Put an end as soon as possible when your health seems to be in jeopardy or when you realize you seem to be losing out too much because of the relationship. A safe end is a better option because often ending is difficult and sometimes drawn out and sometimes clumsy or messy or very dangerous leading to death threats or stalking or obsession or attack. Ways to end 1 reduce communication 2 silent treatment 3. Reduce texting /calling 4. Direct break up 5. Abruptly end conversations 6. Avoid and ignore as much as possible 7. Escape arguments 8. Switch off devices 9 go on long breaks 10 unexplained absence 11 reduce emotional attachment or feeling. 12 stop caring about what they think 13 do not crave for attention or affection. 14 remind yourself that this person is bad or toxic or not good for you 15 don't go cold turkey. Gradually reduce your emotional passion or feelings or attachments.