Preety_India

I feel emotionally vulnerable and overwhelmed. But one day everything will get sorted out. I've downloaded some interesting games. Hay day, wild west frontier, let's farm and township.

Hopefully he will be with me forever. Fingers crossed. God will help me with this. I really like him. In fact I was head over heels in love with him. I still am.

January 28. Chapter 174 I realize that I'm emotionally dependent on him. This is not good but also not bad. I want some emotional support from him. When he is with him I feel happy. I get separation anxiety when he doesn't talk. It is so unreal. Like Borderline personality disorder. But I've never been this way. In fact I like to stay alone. Most of the time. But I really want him. I love him. It's difficult to let go. My emotions are very unstable. When he says something good to me and our conversations are good I'm usually happy and cheerful. It's so sad he doesn't know this. He doesn't realize how much he makes me happy. His text early morning is like a fountain for me.. Every day I wait. Haha this is funny. But I am crazy in love. I know this is a toxic love. But I like him. Today I had a very happy conversation with him on the phone. We had a good talk. Almost 2 hours and I wasn't getting tired. In fact I loved it. I was so delighted after that.

January 27 This is it. I give up. I feel upset and hurt. I want to be with someone who understands me and cares.

Chapter 173 January 23 I've been busy shopping for the last five days. Just getting all the basic stuff to set up my mini home. Also got my periods. This time it was a bit tough. The past few days have been tiring and exhausting. Still made it through. I need to now make fixed morning and night sequence notes or SNs. This strategy has been extremely effective. Last night I discovered a new trick because I was forgetting my pill every time. My important med So I did the math pill trick. I counted the number of pills in the pill box. And then counted before and after. It should be one less. This way I can keep a track so that I don't end up overdosing. Things are not really smooth but kinda okay and manageable now at last. Got a couple of stuff to buy especially blankets and sheets. And then I'll be all set and done. I am getting there where I will finally have a smooth flow. Regarding him.... Terrible. Terrible experience this morning. He was being extremely rude. Very rude. He yelled at me. He was loud and angry and yelling. And he was about to go some abusive rant like a short fuse and so I just cut him off completely. Now he can't do that ever again. That's it. Final. Enough was enough. I took enough of his angry outbursts and then half hearted apologies. This was the last. I decided to pack up and leave. I mean. I told him that he was being very rude. And then I said "Bye." that's it. No more. I am not going back to him again. Ever. Never. It's over. Finally. And I'm glad. I went back several times but not this time. Hopefully he will learn his lesson and understand that people won't take anger politely. There is a boundary. He was extremely offensive over this entire week and I told him that. But he wouldn't apologize. So no problem. I won't give a sh* either. I have had done enough for him. Gave him so much support and all I get is anger in return. I stopped expecting everything from him but he has no right to insult me. He needs to reflect on what went wrong. But he is a narcissist so I doubt he will sit down and give it a thought. He will lay all the blame on me. And say all the abusive stuff and curse me again. I still love him and will always do but today was more than I could handle. It was totally unnecessary for him to just yell at me. I hadn't even said anything. I was being very polite and gentle with him and he wouldn't stop. I remained calm through his explosive psychotic manic rage at me. And he said nothing. No sorry. But anyway. I have been through it all. Nothing new He said the medication change might make a difference in his mood. He was on some opioid oxycodon before fo his pain and I guess that made him miserable and angry all the time. This time his doctor Claire suggested him to take suboxone. The new med was supposed to be safer and less addictive. Manage his mood and all that. But what the heck. It's still the same. He has been taking it since a few days. He was acting nice for the past few days and I felt hopeful. But this morning he complained about how he was allergic to it or maybe he could be. So he wanted to ring the doctor's office again. But I'm not convinced. I mean whatever. He is acting like his old self and much worse this time. His mom told him that he has drug addiction issues and he needs help. If this is the way he's s gonna push people away then he will disrupt every relationship in his life and everyone will get tired of him at some point. I guess that's what happened with him. He lost everyone to his addiction and anger problems. He was complaining about how my mood swings are not going to be his problem any more. This morning. What a joke. He never sees what's wrong with him. He can sit on his a* and kiss it if he wants to. I'm not going to be his doormat and put up with his antics. Everyday he needs a new reason to create chaos.

God has a way for the ones who are lacking.

Still making it every day.

Love is more beautiful than anything else

Chapter 172 January 19 You will be a sucker, a victim, a prey, a piece of toilet paper, a football, a loser, a fool if you sandwiched yourself between a couple. It's a win lose game and you're the loser. Your needs and emotions and feelings need to be valued and considered important otherwise it's not worth it. I feel she is a good woman. This nk. I feel she just became a victim of his abusive tendencies. And she just let it on herself and she took the fall for everything I don't think it's her fault. Her only mistake was to believe him and not foresee the future. She has been dragged into this and she will have to live with this forever. I mean she borrowed trouble but people make mistakes. I hope she finds peace in her life.

Chapter 171 January 15 Today a big thing happened. I was very frustrated with the game. With the coop Lizard Lounge. Terrible experience of politics and alienation and unnecessary pressure. Couldn't cope up and no fun . So finally called it quits. Quit the coop and joined TorriLei . Nice.. feel better.. no stress now. No pressure. Just goes to show that politics never changes. Same old selfishness and bs. Today was a stressful day in the evening when I suddenly made the decision to switch the coop.best decision. Sometimes the best decisions require a childish courage and a fitful reaction. You gotta do it if you feel like it. Don't hold back at all. Because that's the way. Just go with it. And don't put up no more. . especially if the risk is too low. I was in the coop since last 6 months and today I suddenly decided to leave. It was a fit. A sudden decision out of anger but I don't regret it .in fact I like it. It was brave to quit something that is damaging.

Chapter 170 January 14 Family and money are 2 sources of evil. They both are abusive and toxic. The only way is to stay away from both. The only relationship that remains pure is with God. Stay alone. Try to be less dependent on money. Have a wonderful relationship with God. That's the way to live a pure life.

You get attracted to narcissists in the following situations Emotional weakness Emotional deprivation Bullying and past or historical abuse Dysfunctional family Illness Empathetic behavior Anxiety Depression Loneliness Old age Lack of family support Burnout - lack of experience and awareness. Traits and red flags Domination Control freak Selfishness even with little things Total power Abusive words Gaslighting Contradiction Trivialization Insecurity Infantlization Codependency Lack of appreciation Lack of help or cooperation when needed Lack of appreciation in public Emotional blackmailing Victim playing Crying as a weapon of the last resort. Will keep you deliberately confused. Love to create chaos Will provoke and bully Will create unnecessary conflict Purposely ignore you or don't respond to make you feel less important. Use you when they need you Pull you back when you are trying to go away Get scared when you are trying to escape them. Typical abusive trait. Will intentionally deprive you of basic affection and love and care. They will make you beg for your attention Grand delusions. They want you to praise them and make them feel important and special They want to feel superior in the relationship They secretly envy you despite claiming they love you They pick on your faults and lack and defects or mistakes They compare you to others. They will not sacrifice for you even if it means very little or small compromises They don't show gratefulness They demand more. Bossy behavior. Whatever you do is never enough If you do wrong or right you're microscopically judged and you are always wrong no matter what. They give you silent treatment They deliberately try to engage you. Alienation of affection

She tries to engage me all the time. Try being aware of it. Keep daily awareness points.

January 11 Either you be smart or you learn the harder way

January 10 Forgot to get cartons. Fill up the flourer box.

Morning wake up time Observed sweating and slight headaches and asthmatic breathing. The nightmarish palpitations could be triggered due to pulmonary hypertension and asthmatic breathing causing shallow breaths and giving a wrong signal to the heart inducing anxiety in the brain. Pseudo anxiety.

Today was a busy day. Trying to do F goals.

Didn't see the forest for the trees. Even if you are a nut, if you are with the wrong person, this is what happens. Get g bags and inform p about maintenance. Get money and get spray The only act of kindness I need to do is to myself now. I have neglected and ignored myself for too long

Maladaptive delusions. Delusional disorder. Stay away from toxic people. "I've done nothing wrong. I claim my life back." You're a shady person Do what is compatible for you. Take control of your life

January 8 Today I had a physio appointment. Just finished it. She was so fat omg. How can a physio be so fat. Aren't they supposed to deal with body mass index and all that. It's just stupid. They just give simple solutions when I have knee pain. It's the same thing all the time like everything in the world has a quick fix. Do these people even understand that the body is more complex than they think and everything cannot be fixed just like that.

Focus this entire year on yourself

He is shady and caddish. He keeps his business under wraps. He has stuff in his mind and he is evasive about it. He has his wandering ways and I don't have patience for that anymore.

I observed that I don't go dry when I nose breathe

I could be having a certain degree of following disorders. Anxiety Depression Emotional distress syndrome Schizoid personality Emotional instabilities Dissociation disorder Burnout. Tunnel vision Mild autism Emotional codependency Self destructive suicidal behavior Avoidance or aversion Emotional Hypersensitivity. Emotional weakness Major depression I will need to slowly work my way out of these. It's going to be an uphill battle. Toxic environment has caused these conditions to aggravate.

I think the lack of activity and thinking of crucial ideas is due to mild autism in me.