dangerousSnail

im just too smart, oh nooooo

ill write here whatever my intuition comes up with. what i feel like. mostly unfiltered, although i want to remain anonymous. i will write whenever i want to write, in whatever style i want to write. I CAN WRITE IN BIIIIG LETTERS IF I WANT TO. who cares. with all sorts of spelling and grammar mistakes if i want to. just let it flowww. let it flow, let it flow, dont hold it back anymore... let the energy flow wherever it wants to. flowing to the left, flowing to the right. being really mean, being really nice. writing shit, writing profound stuff ...if i can write profound stuff. ...of course i can write profound stuff. by the way, i want to call myself X here. i am mr X, or mrs X, or ms X. who knows what i am. i am that i am, i am, iam, eeh, see i am, that i am, blalblablaba, a random song in my mind. or i can write in machine code. 010101110101001000101010101000111 is there something else on my mind right now? mhhmmm, uuhuum i want to meditate now... au revoir

career/life purpose or spirituality? this is here the question. the back and forth between the two has been distracting me so much these last years. i ended up getting not very far. focus on one. stick with it. and be patient with it. then you will get somewhere. what about 80% work, 20% spirituality? it would be easy if i didnt have this mental condition... goal for the month: sticking with my habits that i have created on habitica.com acing my one important work endavor i like holosync...

building. a. strong. work. ethic. ...

the law of attraction ...fucking works!

thank you shinzen young. your book "the science of enlightenment" is great. mindfulness and concentration is what i am missing...

Kind of. Its still relatively vague and not specific. But I definitely know the direction. Im sure that over time the rest will clarify itself. Yeah, I would also end up programming software if I follow this route . Its nice for a while but not fulfilling.

throughout the last few months i have learned so much about personality. i got to know myself. "to know thyself..." and without intention i got to clarify my life purpose without much effort. yesterday i read a post here about life purpose and i got this idea and inspiration. i assessed myself again after 4 months on my life purpose stuff. the results are similar, but still quite different, and feel much more authentic. i always had this bias towards logical technical stuff, because thats the field that i am academically in. the emotional component was always missing. i somehow wanted to combine technology with emotional stuff, but no... i want to work with people, without technology. i am the natural psychologist or psychoanalyticer or whatever. getting into touch with this true side of my life purpose feels empowering. i am back on the life purpose track and have motivation. i now slowly want to work towards that, but not neglect my technological work. its still valuable and brings safety. just in the long run i dont want to work in technology. it makes me feel motivated to work on my "emotional skills." i firstly need to come out of my shell, learn how to connect with people, resolve my own blockages, learn vocal and social skills...

shamanic breathing is very very powerful i did 30 minutes of breathing. then i had the bussing feeling all over my body. it felt like on the peak of a psychedelic trip. i layed there and looked at my ceeling. feeling the weird feelings in my body. i fully felt this "dimension of experience." bodily sensations are one dimension of experience. then i noticed the stuff going on in "my mind." thoughts - the next dimension. then all these imaginations and the voice in my head. in these dimensions i could feel the ego located. there are these two points in my body that i highly identify with. as if these points were the self, and very connected with the illusionary ego. the point on my chest where the heart chakra is and the feeling of the prefrontal cortex around the third eye chakra. these are somehow the points where the dimension of bodily sensation and the dimension of imagination get connected. this is where my ordinary sense of self comes from. another dimension is feelings. they are similar to the bodily sensations but still very different. they kind of tell us how aligned we are with consciousness, honesty, truth... i also noticed that most of the time i am just living in imagination and feelings. totally out of touch with my bodily sensations, purely in imaginationary land, analyzing stuff, conceputalizing, creating ideas... see these dimensions for what they are. consciousness is "behind" that. the dimensions are experienced through consciousness at the same time, although they are completely different and have nothing to do with each other in the end. after like 5 minutes this effect stopped slowly. i came back into "reality." i did shaminic breathing now three times. two times i got into this state. once i had a no self-experience. this time i got quite a good insight, although i cant properly describe it. although the experience hasnt been that long its somehow more "productive" than the psychedelic experiences i had. but im not sure yet. i will do more shamanic breathing... just its quite energy draining. the lack of oxygen has its effect on my body.

Look at this app: https://www.forestapp.cc/en/ When you want to study, you can motivate yourself to put the phone far far away and let it grow a tree while you are studying. If you have planted enough of these digial trees (and you have bought the payed version) you can let them grow trees in the real world. Compine this with the promorodo technique or something else... Or strategic coffee drinking. This makes me really focussed with a clear intention to get my work done: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PGLkDr_aNoY I also like using Anki if I have to memorize facts.

talking about what i want to do is making me not taking any action because it already feels like i have achieved something by talking about if when in fact i havent achieved anything

it feels like an internal fight is over isnt all of life "just" an internal fight? the ego fought with itself. about self-honesty. afterwards it felt like an internal workout has been taken place. the whole day i did nothing physically, just sitting. but i felt like after a physical workout. i havent been getting so much work one in a while in one day, although i have "wasted" my whole morning. its so draining, but it feels good afterwards. its such a pain in the ass when its complicated and vague and nothing is working out. and i just sit there, think and think and think, and just dont get anywhere. well, im done with that task now. i feel the neurons in my brain making more and more new connections and my brain is evolving every day. at the end of every week there has been a noticable "improvement" in my mental capacities along this certain line of thinking. thats cool to see.

1.5 years ago i have been a very different person. i got off track with spirituality. where did this lead me? selfishness is my problem. selfishness doesnt lead to love. selfishness leads towards misery. wanting to feel superior. i feel humble. so humble. selfishness kind of gone. having stopped daily mediation has been a huge mistake. as well as regular exercise. im such a fool.

humble / humbleness: the good quality of not being proud or not believing that you are important not proud or arrogant; modest having a feeling of insignificance, inferiority, subservience mother teresa devotion: loyalty and love or care for someone or something the act of dedicating something to a cause, enterprise, or activity "one thing must be surrendered in order to gain something else that is desired." forgiveness: to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) stop feeling resentful towards someone for an offence, flaw, or mistake what if i devote my life towards giving love and diminishing the suffering of others? in an absolutely altruistic way? with balance and strategically i have taken so much and never given anything back. i have made sooooooo many mistakes i soaked up love and energy of others like a black hole. i caused suffering. expose my fakeness, my dishonesty, and surrender.

'cause God loved the world so much...

work work work unhealthy eating and no exercise disconnection from myself disconnection from others no potential for spiritual growth - thats what it seems like the 8 hour work day is like a conspiracy against consciousness oh well

so attached to that little voice inside. the spiritual ego doing its thing. there are high expectations from my ego onto myself. what would people think. what if i dont get my work done? what if i dont get the 100%? what if i dont get x done in time? what if... worst-case secenarios. well, lets make a worst-case asymptotic analyis. what if ego->0 and surrender->infinity. what would be the worst case? i would die. so what? runtime = O(infinity). naaaah, runtime = little-omega(infinity)! work, work, work, work, work, work. you see me i be work, work, work, work, work, work.

walking in nature + neti neti meditation + shamanic breathing -> no self

"Be melting snow. Wash yourself of yourself." — Jalal ad-Din Rumi ...i will become the snow i am shit. and i will wipe all that shit away. like wiping my ass. well. makes sense to me lots of shit, lots of tension. but wipe it away. wash it away... oh god, this one moment boaaah ey i have loooots of work to do. it will become quite stressful. i see my new schedule unfolding. where is my free time gone?? oh well... i will be able to handle that and everything will become peeerfecct. so perfect i am able to handle anything. i feel strong and capable. spring is coming. no, its already there. lots of challenges are waiting for me this year. and i will master all of them. i am able to do that.

too much is happening. all at once. i need time to breath and to reenergize.

ester hicks and abraham are great!

spring is coming no waiting. i am using my time to develop myself. why waiting? this is literally a waste of time. you need to be patient until the great things in life will come. and at some point they might be floating towards you effortlessly. i am observing the energy within my body. its weird. but cool. very cool to observe it. "i" am just an extension of this source energy. and i need to direct this energy properly. raise the vibration of this energy. chanell this energy into something greater. then everything might flow effortlessly towards me. i can see life becoming so great.

weird emotions, good emotions, sad emotions... what is going to happen to me soon? no idea. what emotions will gain the upper hand? it will be sooo weird. but i can enjoy the solitude and refill all of my introverted energy reserves. i will have lots and lots and lots of stuff to think about and lots to process. but soon my work stuff starts again. i will be so busy. lots and lots of work plus handling all of my emotional shit. well... hearing that one voice in my head all the time, imagining it... its weird "i am gonna be just fine"