dangerousSnail

I feel like I have been given a fresh start in life. All of a sudden i have become aware of all the opportunities that are in front of me. i just have to take them. i feel like this is a trap i keep falling into; realizing that i have a fresh start and new opportunities, only to get bored of them within a few weeks. Why does this happen?? its such a waste of time and energy to begin new things and change all the time. i need to commit to mastery. what would happen if i spent decades mastering a few things? it also feels like a trap. the hours you invest in yourelf and your skills when you are young are the most valuable because they pay back interest for the rest of your life, but since you are young and inexperienced it is difficult to decide where to invest that time. a catch 22. COFFEEEEE

dreams are coming true - i think so. its not easy, but with the right psychological mindset you can do anything... many exciting opportunities are arising. kind of out of nowhere. where 5 months ago has been utter despair is now a lot of hope. time is going quickly. soon i will be "waiting" again, but it wont be a waiting anymore, but using time to work on two important areas of my life - relationships and spirituality. on my own pace, fast, depending on my personality type. my environment - there is a lot of tension. i have too much stuff and its creating lots of unconscious tension - for years now. i finally - with help - have made a big change in my living environment. i ask myself why i havent done it much earlier. i still have too much stuff - but i now slowly will get rid of much of it, so that in the future i will feel more free and at peace at the place that i live and spend most of my time at. i feel also lots of unconscious tension when i am around people. i constantly look out for "catastrophes" and try to prevent them. when i am around children i am constantly looking after them so that they dont break something or do other unwanted stuff. i need to relax. its tensing me up a lot. psychedelics are AMAZING... i want to implement a few morning habits. a few years ago i have been listening to something that zen monks do daily at the zen monastries. they clean every day for 20 minutes or something. it is a set time, and this time is just dedicated for cleaning. it doesnt matter how much they clean or how fast. they just clean in that time - mindfully. the outcome isnt important. only the mindful cleaning is important. i want to do something like that. spending the first 45 minutes for cleaning stuff. my living environment. my body. ordering my clothes. cleaning away stuff that i dont need. or getting stuff ready so that i can leave later. or helping others or doing something nice for others. i should do that mindfully, without hurry, because this time is only dedicated for mindful cleaning and not for the outcome. this way no tension should come up in my body. the books radical honesty and the 5 love languages are a MUST READ for anybody... there is a lot changing in my environment and in my mind at the moment. its so amazing... all of the sudden. my perspective on live changes a lot at the moment. there are OPPORTUNITIES and i am actually FREEEEE.

i cant believe that its going to happen tomorrow. these moments when you have been looking forward for something for months and then suddenly it will be there the next day. like a little child looking forward to its birthday or christmas. uncertainty. nervousness. insecurities. what-if thoughts... are arising. it could be the best thing ever. or a big disappointment.

i feel free. now i have lots of free time for a month. i am excited. i hope these unmotivated days are over now. i have plans. i made myself two inspiring goals. firstly, finding a group of friends. generally becoming more social and taking up opportunities to be social. secondly, i want to build one resume project. it should be something like a small bet that leo talks about in the lpc. i need clear inspiring goals to move outside of this playpen. that should then be like a internal force which is pulling me outside rather effortlessly. then i experience that i am able to change my life on my own. then my self-esteem will grow. i feel very excited that spring is coming, finally. after all these months of cold and a dead nature. i now got a meditation bench, half self-made. my posture is now so much better. it makes meditating "fun" again somehow. its easier to sit there for longer periods of time.

pursuing enlightenment has damaged me. i wasnt pursuing it with enough effort. i rather used it as an excuse to not do the scary shit that would have grown me. i used enlightenment to avoid socializing. i just stayed inside my comfort zone, at home, and meditated half ass. if i rather would have spent my time on socializing and doing little comfort zone challenged... i would be way better off now. i cancled my youtube subscription for leos challel. i dont want to use leos new enlightenment content to distract me from socializing. ... internally i feel like this. like a child trapped in a playpen unable to get out. i know that theoretically i could do anything. right tomorrow i could go online and book myself a flight to hongkong, or vancouver, or hawaii, or capetown, or sydney, or rio, or... and could do whatever i want, until i run out of money. i could. theoretically i could. i have all the resources. but my mind would tell me that its a pretty bad idea. why should i want to go there? why should i spend money on this? this would be crazy. theoretically im free, but my mind imprisions me in this playpen. this also happens with ordinary not extreme situations. i could go there and ask this clerk something random. but would i do it? no. i would come up with excuses. why should i ask the clerk something? i could figure it out on my own. its as if i would voluntarily put myself into the lead of my scard reptilian brain. although there is nothing to be scard about. ... today i was in an uncomfortable situation. there were many people i knew from sight. i didnt know what to do. i stood there for a minute being scard. and just went away again. afterwards i felt stupid. what would these people now about me? well, at least i was out there and put myself into an uncomfortable situation. ... i searched for the opportunity to socialize a bit in the last couple of days. and hey, i found someone who was willing to help me with my few problems. there are very very friendly people. if i continue chatting a little bit and continue being friendly i could build a relatively solid friendship i guess. ... "if it scares you, it might be a good thing to try." - seth godin

spring weather is making me very euphoric. the birds, the sun, no freezing temperatures anymore... looking forward to the near future. it seems so close. like a dream finally coming true. but one thing i worry about. what if i now just forget everything that i have realized throughout the last week and all that pain was fruitless? it can easily happen. i still need to appreciate my hurt child-self and not forget about it until it feels so lonely that everything comes back up again. ... orgasms in the morning and getting aroused often througout the day isnt good. its very exciting in the moment, but its draining my energy in a weird way. i am not able to concentrate very well. and my concentration span decreases. i feel pretty drained now. but maybe that comes from work, soreness, gym, and unhealthy food. ... what would be a perfect day be like? i mean, a dream day that i would like to have very often. waking up with the sun, next to my partner, hearing the birds, cuddling for about half an hour, speaking loving words, setting good intentions for the day, being grateful. getting out of bed, doing easy household shores, moving the body a bit with light stretching, light exercise or a bit of yoga. it would be like very great to live in a small house in nature next to a lake where you can take a skinny dip in... maybe meditation. hygiene, getting ready for the day. working for a couple of hours in deep work on an imporant project that im passionate about. seeing how i can create something great. accomplishing something and giving ones value to the world. having a healthy light lunch, going out for a walk, socializing a bit, reenergizing, reading a few pages in an inspiring book. back to work for another few hours until everything important is done. putting all work aside and enjoying the rest of the day. maybe working out a bit, maybe with friends, maybe in nature. getting home, making a healthy dinner with my partner. talking, enjoying quality time together. maybe having sex. maybe reading. or something else. then going to bed with the feeling of having done your best and seeing a hopeful future. sleeping like a baby and resting. having nice dreams, and waking up empowered and refreshed the next morning.

yesterday and today i had an "emotional breakthrough." i realized the emotional problems that were brining me quite a lot of pain over the last three months. it were constant slight painful moments, like slaps into the face or stitches intot the heart which made me feel hurt, almost everyday. i got the idea yesterday while reading "the six pillars of self-esteem." he was talking about subselves, and just mentioned the relationship between the child-self and the adult-self. i read the first sentences and had to put the book to the sight. it was like the scales falling off my eyes. how couldnt i see this? my child-self never felt loved. now i found someone who potentially could give me the needed love. it started clinging too much and behaving in unhealthy neurotic ways. and everytime the one didnt fulfilled all the wishes of the child, the child felt not loved. it always was as if the child was searching for love in its parents, but the parents were too busy to give it the love. also i have the voice of a certain critical family memeber in my head. i projected everything this family member said onto me and it felt real. there is some truth behind it, but hearing it in this harsh way in my head made the child feel very very hurt. it was like the actual experiences from childhood. there were also lots and lots of judgments coming up. i expressed most of them and it feels so good. radical honesty about my freaking judgements. throughout the last week i was often feeling very bad. i always had this stuff on my mind. i was crying a lot, almost everyday. and now i feel like its peaceful again, after this internal mental emotional shitstorm going on in my mind. it feels really good to be able to think clearly again. but this might not have been the end. maybe this is just the peace in between two storms. because i feel that there is still much more shit within me. whatever happens, i will now focus a bit on feeling how other people love me. my child-self is actually loved, X, if you believe it or not. i guess this is spiritual purification.

going out of the house and keeping myself busy to make myself feel a bit productive is helpful but not the solution

today in the forest i went up on a fire tower. i was above the trees. i thought... it would be so easy to kill myself here. i looked down. just getting over the relatively low railing and let loose. and preferably jumping headfirst. a definite death. such a perfect place for suicide. so easy. i got scared and raced the stairs back down. it could have been so easy. just a wrong thought and it would have been the end. i should never go to this place again. now i am scared. because if i ever get strong suicidal thoughts i would have the perfect plan.

when you wake up in the middle of the night and cant sleep again cal newport said... first build a big skillset, expertise, master it - the craftman's mindset. then later the passion, the mission or your life calling, autonomy, all the good stuff will come. its a bit contradictory to what leo says in the lpc. its confusing me a lot. the middle way would be finding something that you are relatively passionate about and that has good prospects for a big vision. then "simply" master this area and follow the path for multiple years without quitting. then eventually opportunities will arise that will bring you all the good stuff. does this mean that the flawed empty foundation will eventually get filled up and become solid, just by working on it for long enough? i know the area which i am relatively passionate about. and it has the potential for a huge vision. and what do i do? nothing. i dont work on it. when i listen to podcast about the potentials i sometimes get excited because of all the potentials... but i never hear something about one specific thing that i feel really passionate about. but here again, all newport said that only when you have reached a certain level of expertise you can see the real potentials and what you really can contribute to the field. as a newbie i cannot see clear enough. it will be a rough journey to get to this stage where i have the necessary expertise.........

emptiness. purposelessness. motivationlessness. what should i do with my time? every day is the same, basically. a little bit of variation here and there. but otherwise... every day is the same. and the worst thing is... i am just waiting. waiting for a person to visit. and when the person is away, waiting again. and generally, waiting until i am in the right circumstances to live my life. and that will take a couple of YEARS. i have been waiting. with no real purpose. already for years. and now, almost the same amount of time again. i dont want to be waiting. i want to use my time. i want to feel empowered by a purpose. i dont just want to wait for the person who lives their purpose. waiting to hear something and to have some contact. i hate boredom. i feel empty inside. i just hate it. all the motivation and happiness that i have felt in the last couple of years were built on a flawed foundation. the foundation is emptiness and purposelessness. everything that i put upon it will eventually fall down into the void. i firstly need to build a solid foundation upon that emptiness. on that solid foundation i can put authentic motivation which will last and empower me. basically, my life purpose. i know my life purpose vaguely. but this vague purpose is just like a cloud flying over that emptiness. its a little bit thicker than the emptiness, but every amound of motivation will still fall through it. i am searching for little things or little tasks that can occupy my time. like cleaning stuff up, rearranging stuff, little obligations... but then at some point throughout the day everything is done, and i end up just waiting until i can go to sleep. then it repeats the next day. findind my purpose is very important to me at the moment. i need a big vision to get out of this year long emptiness. well, have i ever felt really authentically fulfilled or moved by a purpose in my life? no, all just very very vague purposes. i went through the life purpose course already a few times. well, i have rewatched the important videos multiple times, and did some exercises multiple times. but i dont feel motivated to do it again now. a catch 22. not feeling motivated by not having a life purpose, and therefore not feeling motivated to find my life purpose. didnt this happened already? didnt this happen all of my life? maybe i just have to force myself to, to get out of this catch 22. i even see that finding my life purpose would impact many many other areas of my life very positively. i would feel much more self-esteem, which is a big issue of mine. through working and something and feeling productive and doing what i want to do... i would feel more self-responsibilty, self-efficacy, self-assertiveness, integrity, purpose... i would gain a lot of new skills, that would even help me in future normal jobs. but most importantly, i would feel happy. and now i just feel down, motivationless, and purposeless... so what? X, what should you do now? "should"... is there anything that you should do? ultimately no, but X, if you want to get out of this mess, you have to find your purpose. or at least make it more specific step by step. X, you have the resources, and the time, and everything else you need. dont waste your life with this purposelessness... tomorrow, after finishing my normal tasks, i will just contemplate on my life purpose. or journal about it. going to a quiet place, and just write, write, write, write. until something gets more clear. even if i feel like shit. just do that. or do research... what would "normal" people do in such a situation? they would meet up with friends and have fun. or talk about it with friends. or just go out. or pursue a hobby. but that? i have no friends to go out with or to meet up with. i have two friends, but both are far away. i have no real hobby... life as an extrovert seems sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much easier. purpose, where are you? i will find you. eventually...

i never tried to make good sounding rhymes ill try it if i intuitively feel like it

honesty, oh honesty, you are so beautiful, i see and when there comes uncertainty, just kick it out, definitely if there is some idiosyncrasy let it be, oh let it be just take some chickpeas and take a fart, smells gorgeously, really! hide and seek with love, how sweet dont confuse me, please, uncertainty cyber security seems to be a good career as well as big data, oh oh dear life purpose is that not easy, it creates fear regreting choices, wasting time time flies fast, oh let it be to know thyself, important, sure but i know nothing, are you kidding me? this is sooo bad. but it feels good to try to be poetic, knowing that i am not. i cannot rhyme. in school i always complained about creative task. my teacher found that funny and said then loudly: "here, another creative task, dont you like this X?" why do i try to justify myself about how bad i am rhyming? who says i am bad? i do. but how can i know if i am, if i dont give myself the chance to be? i can rhyme. i am so poethic. i am so into literature. whatever

uncertainty, uncertainty, what are you just doing do me? uncertainty, uncertainty, why are you heeeere? cause we live in a beautiful woooorld honesty, oh honesty, what are you just doing to me? honesty, honestly, you are making me crazzzyyy. exactly as your friend uncertainty. UNCERTAINTY, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO ME? seriously! i am such a poet. really X, you are a poet. "sex masturbation" - imagining hard sex while masturbating. a lot of movement with a lot of speed. excitement, but no relaxation. its cool but not as pleasurable. more orgasms but they are not as enjoyable. everything is relative. i am a victim to my own thinking. i always knew it, but never grasphed the significance of it. 100% responsibility X, remember.

every time when i think that i am in pretty good health condition, have no illness and no injuries, something happens not long after that. now i got back pain. great. i feel physically restricted. i cannot move that freely. do you know these moments... you are working hard on something, very focused, with limited time, and then all of the sudden a stupid song comes into your mind. one of these songs which have such stupid lyrics for people who just want to get drunk and dance to it. and this song just doesnt get away out of your mind. it just stays there. allllll the time. spinning and spinning around while you try to concentrate. love masturbation. keeping this one person in mind and feeling deep love rushing through your body. slow gentle movements, no rush, keeping the body relaxed. beautiful. just at some point i get to impatient, speed up, and kind of just want to have this orgasm. then it becomes stressful again. why didnt i just keep going slowly with love, even if i wouldnt climax? relaxation and love are more pleasant than a "stressful" orgasm. i always had problems with my meditation posture. at some point my back always started to get rounded. or i tried to keep my back up straight but then i had to use my back muscles a lot, which then lead to hurting back muscles. this was one of the reasons why i couldnt meditate very long. but the solution is so simple. find a position where a slight anterior pelvic tilt is supported. i tried that out today with two cushions. much better. i could do sds this way. maybe ill try 1h sds tomorrow. but then i think that i dont want to track my time. i used to get very neurotic about that in the past. i start to get a slight problem with my sleep. but not in the way that most people do. i get tired too early and wake up too early. i just want to sleeeeeeeep. i like sleeeep. there is no struggle in sleep. i had some more ideas about my life purpose in the last couple of days. leo was right. research is very important. i know my life purpose vaguely. but its a big field and i need to narrow it down so that i find my specific nieche. in which area exactly i want to work. and what work i want to do exactly. now i am going through a free online course about one of the potential nieches. its good, i like it, and i feel passion and excitement flowing through me. also watching youtube videos about broad applications is very interesting, like interview by experts in the field. or audiobooks. i like it to solve puzzles while listening to such content. i am so tired. i will just go into my beautiful peaceful bed. and sleep peacefully. like a baby. wrapping myself into a blanket of love

last night i had a weird dream just before waking up. i dont know the beginning part of it anymore, just that i was talking around with a random guy or girl i dont know and we were sneaking into a concert. then the next moment we were in a forest. and somehow i found a dead body hidden under the dead leaves, kind of like in these crime movies. my immediate reaction was that i should call the police. happily i woke up, exactly 5 minutes before my alarm... i need to get this random shit out of my mind. otherwise it continues spinning and spinning around in my head. it was a weird dream and i wonder why i have been dreaming this. yeah, i have been in the forest lately. but why did i find a dead body there? anyways masturbation in a relaxed peaceful state of mind with a little bit of self-inquiry, with small slow movements and focus on these feelings is... cool. letting happen whatever happens. not trying to control what happens. relaxing the body. and just letting the orgasm come up. lets call this spiritual masturbation. there was no sexual "intend" and no such imaginations behind it. just the experience itself. why do i look so often at my emails? i dont get much. i am waiting for this one email to get an important result. it should come within the next week. but i am really not sure. i dont have to look at my emails so often... once a day is more than enough. and if i get the result a few hours earlier or later doesnt matter at all. i have the tendency - especially in the beginning - to go to extremes and to do too much. now i focus more on consciousness work again. but i should not do too much. the same with life purpose and my work. with anything. i am this kind of person who always needs to stay in a good balance. otherwise nothing will work out. but the ego has the tendency to want to achieve stuff too quickly. but then i "crash" and nothing happens... lets get some work done now. instead of being in "spiritual mode" all day.

lately i have been listening to a podcast about my personality type. there was a story about a guy who would somehow start feeling depressed exactly at 4:30pm every weekday for no particular reasons. he had no clue why because otherwise his life was alright. then one day he found out that every weekday at 4:30pm his neighbor would come back home who was very depressed. i absorbe the shit out of my environment. when the people around me feel stressed, i will start feeling stressed as well. when people around me are down, i start feeling down as well. at least on some level. i dont absorbe all of it, but i can greatly feel it in the background. in this world at so many places there is negativity around and i soak it all up. it is causing a tension in my mind which is not pleasant at all. its not necessary just negativity that i soak up. people just have to listen to this modern hectic music. oh i hate that. i like nature. there it is rather still. there are not many people. no music. no cars. no noise. at the moment just birds. spring is coming. there i can soak up the positive energy from nature. the stillness in contrast to hecticness. there i can restore my introverted energy and let energy flow through my body. i just want to be in nature and never come back again. i like walking and listening to...