taleen

Last night i called my boyfriend to check on hom, and his phone was closed, it was fine at first but i started to miss him so bad i felt like i could not breath but i then i felt better when i left him a voice sms with how i felt. Today i woke up continuing on struggling to avoid depression from my problems with my family and i was feeling ok. Then later i was wiping the kitchen and my mom said is there soap in this water and i said no she said the floor is filled with oil in using a disrespectfull tone of voice to me. Now in our last fight i decided am not going to stand there a take in any of her disrespect for me any more, i will talk back and i will not do anything against my will, but after i started doing that and she stopped talking to me i regreted it cause my wedding might be only two months from now and since in our community if my boyfriend's family found out that i have problems with my mother that will cause us trouble, i figured, i have been putting out with her for 27 years i can take two more months of humiliation since i love my boyfriend. I know people here might judge me but i hope am taking the right decision. Then silently i added soap and wiped it again then she stepped in before it was dry, to be honest i did too and i left a piece of dirt in there, and she said it is still dirty and i said only cause you stepped in before it was dry "that was what i thought at first but then after thinking about it i figured it might of have been me". Also she keeps on stuffing a hundred things under the sink and i only take them out and clean under them once a week but clearly she wants me to do that daily. So she kicked those stuff with her leg and said it is dirty in here too, and i cleaned it. I felt a major amount of pain but a 30 min meditation helped. Let me talk about what i felt during my meditation, after a while i felt that my body was really heavy "annoying phase but what came after that was amazing" then i could not feel my body, then after another while i could not make sure whether i was breathing or not i felt like i do not know whether i had a body or not. My mom thing is painfull but i hope i can take it till am married. Then i remembered that i do not have anything to wear for my friend's wedding tmw, then went to borrow sth from a friend, still do not like it, then i went to the market and got my sister's wedding dress from the tailor "when turned out to be not that pretty" and my money did not get me anything for my friend's wedding amd i still can npt accept that i will wear sth i do not like tmw so i feel really bad rn. And that was today.

@Elton i do not know if in the future our relationship might get toxic or not, but in general i am all over depending on my self, am only not working now cause i want to change my career, but your concerns are valid. thanks alot for the support.

@Privet this could be a life altering thing, am glad for you. good luck with your new job.

Today, i feel ok, i am struggling to avoid depression cause of my problems with my family, and i think am doing good. Just wanted to share my dreams, buying a boat some day, god i love boats, and i love seas and rivers. Persuing my dream job, doing volunteer work, losing weight. But i am following my diet and am doing ok. So thats it for today.

@Elton but still i wanna know, what are your worries for me exactly.

@Elton yeah i will be depending on him for a while, but juat cause i quited my last job to persue my dream job, and soon after our marriage i will be depending on myself. but am not si worried about that cause i have a good deal of experience in the management section, so whenever i needed to go back to that i think it will not be hard to find a job. but i hope it works with my dream and i do not have to do that again. thank you so much for the advice.

@Azote hey, i only want to point out that maybe you wanna make sure your real passion is what you are persuing cajse i wasted 11 years thinking i was going in the right path. but i totally support you if you think you are doing the right thing.

This journal is really starting to be a motivation. So today i got rid of alot of stuff which was depressing me, my room was messy, i did not apply my hair mask for a week, have'nt even cleaned my laptob in a while. Also I did my nails, my feet, my eyebrows, my hairstyle, bought a new headset. So this is the closest i have been to happiness in a while. All am thinking about now is when am i going to start persuing my dream career in dresses designing. Of course i will not do anything about it now because the first thing i have to do is study it and since in two weeks i might be getting ready to get married, i will wait untill that is decided and then see what i will do.

@Elton good luck

@zoey101 you are very strong, i think cause you have been through alot in your life you got stronger and thats why you feel ok even in the mess.

So, after i thought about it i found out that my problems with my mom has two main aspects : the first on is that i will always be concerned that my problems with her be a real obsticle "pardon my weak english" in my way but i prefer being concerned than being bullied by her and feeling really angry all the time from all the insults i get from her "the emotional and the physical". The second one is that even though i know i did not do anything wrong when i deffended myself, i do not have to retract "when i can not fight my rigid community opinions" what i said unless our problems start to be a real obsticle in my way.

@stevegan928 yeah you are probably right

am attracted to tenderness in men, as if were there when i needed a ride for example he offers it, also telling me romantic stories

@stevegan928 thank you, but can't i post my daily problems as a jornal?

@stevegan928 i do not think comlaring your jornal to other journals is a good idea, i did that four months ago and cause some people here are really ahead of me, it made me less excited, but if i have'nt compared myself to people and continued my jornal, i would have got a lot of benefits out of it by now.