traveler

You just described what is happening.

If "you" kill "yourself," who are "you"? If you die and are aware of it, who dies? And if you die and are not a aware of it, who dies? The search to kill yourself is actually an avoidance of death.

It is impossible to see this from a dreamt pov, but all of that is a story. Can't blame you, many "teachers" teach this bullshit. There isn't a separate you from God that could make a choice. The whole story about God's desire and goodness, is "God" appearing as that story. Anyone that claims they can describe or know God, is God dreaming separation. The dream is that a person can know God, then other people look at that person to tell them about God, missing that that whole "play," is God, it is this. Rape is rape, stopping rape is stopping rape, calling the police is calling the police. The complications, doubt and value is something added on top of the simplicity of what is already.

Where is the meaning?

This sentence is pointing to absolutely nothing. This post is absolutely meaningless, it doesn't point to anything. “in an insane world, a sane man must appear insane." I had a conversation with my sister and this "message" naturally came up, it quickly became apparent that whatever I said would be perceived as totally insane, even though it is the simplest, closest and most sane thing that could ever be said. "I'm talking about nothing" is gibberish, it makes no sense at all, but the freedom is that it doesn't have to, the meaningless meaning of that sentence is that the sentence itself doesn't have to be understood. This either creates a thought loop, which is an attempt at understanding this logically, or it "enlightens" the unspeakable everythingness of nothing. There is an illusory dream that many apparent human beings are living in. In that dream "nothing" is pointing to something.

Yea, there isn't even someone or something to be let go of. When something is actually let go of it is the death and the total absence of that thing. If there is still consciousness of what is claimed to be let go of, it hasn't been let go of. Letting go is absolutely impersonal, it has nothing to do with consciousness. Consciousness is holding on to things, and the mind uses consciousness to try and get rid of it. The ultimate let go is that it isn't here now already, the illusion is that there is an illusion.

Insanity and sanity are both in the story of the "me" in an objective world. Insanity can only be in comparison with an idea of sanity. The nature of reality is non-dual, so the discussion will only make sense within the framework of dreamt duality. You could describe dreamt duality as Insanity and the nature of non-dual reality as Sanity. But that would still be in dreamt duality, where there is an idea of a non-dual reality.

It's a phase. You're still dreaming.

I've made a couple of beats/songs inspired by what you would call enlightenment. First track: this beat was made after a mystical experience that appeared when I stood pissing in a bush and was staring at the leaves. The only way I could possibly describe it is that the leaves "became" fractals and the energy was infinitely more "massive" than a nuclear explosion. I was in a very weird limbo stage between what I knew to be normal reality and this awakening into what was terrifyingly huge and all encompassing, what felt like a point of no return back then. This track tries to encapsulate the energy of that mystical experience. Second track: For me it symbolizes the total surrender to "God" or "this." A surrender that can not be made by anyone, but as the track suggests, God welcoming you home. A tribute or celebration of the unconditional love that is everything.

No, you are the dream.

There is no solution for the illusory self. It can't help but put value on everything because of the inherent sense of lack that comes from feeling separate from everything.

You don't want what is really pointed to, you want to understand and know truth. All of the God talk, conceptual ideas and descriptions of this, are really just distractions from death. Death is already this, total hopelessness, total let go, absolutely nothing. That sounds terrifying in the dream. The glimpses and the conceptual feeling-understandings are terrifying when there is a dream of a "real me in existence." When the "real me in existence" isn't there anymore, no one is left grasping for truth and experiences. It is more simple, and not overwhelming, because there is no one left to relate to it. That is what oneness really points to, it is impossible to understand because there is not two. The need to understand it in order for it to be okay is the dream. That need comes with a bunch of expectations about what "enlightenment" and "god" is. You don't get superpowers, animals won't follow you everywhere because of your enlightened aura, people won't love and adore you because of how peaceful you are. These are all expectations of the individual. It is a dream chasing a dream. When I say "this is it" it is as direct as it gets, no hidden meaning or something to get. This is it, so if this is it already, what is there to get? There is no sense of urgency or a pressure to understand what was just written. It does not come from a place more deep or enlightened. It comes from nothing. There is no one here that understands this, this is totally unknowable, yet the energy of freedom puts this into words, that energy can be felt and can be liberating to the contracted energy of need.

Yes. No one left to grasp or know what is happening. The collapse of duality doesn't happen, duality never happened. In order to know or describe something you have to create an artificial distance to it, separation. Nothing can be said about all there is, and there is no one to tell. Unknowable wholeness. Absolute mystery somehow appearing ordinary and grounded. No anxiety about what life is anymore, because the illusory individual that appeared separate to life was a dream. The answer to life is not answered, the questioner dies and no one is left wondering. An absolute let go into the unknowable, but no one did it, the resistance in form of a contraction created a distance to what was already "absolute let go." Nothing happened.

Omg... Sat there for 5 minutes yesterday trying to figure out what you meant by that and just now saw the OP's name and shirt color.

Explain ?

It sounds like you are wrapped up in concepts of what God is. God is selfless in the sense that it is without self, meaning God does not exist. Any story about God; "God is doing this, for this or that reason, for this or that outcome" are only stories. You can throw every idea you have about God in the bin, it is all food for the mind. God is a word for everything, the absolute, this. You can use any word, it doesn't matter what word you use, no word will even come close and yet the words themselves are it.

Awake and asleep is dual, what is longed for is the end of that whole effort of trying to find a way out. Trying to awaken is just another way of saying that something is wrong, that something better than sitting on a chair is available if you focus hard enough. There is no awakening and there is no being asleep in the dream, there is just this. This isn't a thing, the end of something needing to happen is this, it can never be that. It is so simple, but psychedelic experiences can really fuel the fire of hope for the individual that some end goal is available and achievable. It doesn't need to be achieved, it doesn't need to be a certain way, the whole energy of that need can fall away and then life just happens without a need for it to be understood or manipulated. It is literally this, whatever is happening is it. Too simple and too all encompassing to get, it is literally everything, so there is no hope to find it because it can't be lost.

Yes, and attempts at putting what is into words continues to be made, even though it is utterly impossible and meaningless. What is pointed to is too close/direct to be put into concepts of what to do or not do. The end of the seeking is the end of the seeker, nothing changes and it doesn't have to. The end of the seeking what is already is what is already, without seeking.

"Seek nothing" feels more like a prescription than a description. When seeking stops there is no concept of having to seek nothing/stop seeking, because that implies that seeking is still present and has to be gotten rid of.

Hear silence.

I'd say that there are some cultish dynamics on actualized.org; the whole student teacher dynamic and the praise of Leo as if he's some superior godly being. I think the cult dynamics are more reinforced from the side of the "student" than the "teacher" in this case though. Some people on here are obsessed with him. The only thing that I don't particularly like about Leo is that he doesn't shut down people's illusions regarding him often enough. It is hard to say what would happen to you in such a position of fame and power. I think he handles it better than many people would in his place. That said, I'd like to see him show more signs of humbleness and honesty. Some spiritual teachers obviously run cults imo, Benthino Massaro is a prime example.

Check out @Nahms new vid, it applies well to your situation. My take: What I've noticed in myself is a tendency to focus more on others than myself. In inquiry I've discovered that I put more value on not hurting others than I do on what is best for me. If there is anything I try to practice now, it is to be selfish. Being selfish has very negative connotations in society, we are brainwashed to think that being selfish is bad, but being selfish, contrary to popular belief, does not equate to being a dick. It is self love, and if you love yourself you'll have love to spare for others. If you make it a priority to treat yourself with upmost respect, even if no one respects you like you do yourself, whatever negative opinions and thoughts they/you have about you won't resonate anymore. You'll start making decision with your best intentions in mind even if peoples feelings get hurt. It won't be an overnight thing, but you'll realize that you'll begin to take action with more certainty and you'll be less inclined to fall into that self-conscious bubble of "what are they thinking about me." I don't know how much this applies to your situation, as I don't know the whole scope of it. Basically give less fucks and be more selfish and you'll find that you won't become a dick, you'll be a more confident, loving and happy version of yourself. Stepping into your highest potential is what we all want for ourselves and others deep down, if everyone was less in everyone else's business and more in their own, the world would be a happier place. It is not about the end goal, it is about aligning with what feels good, and what feels good is what feels good to you. Self destructive thoughts of not being good enough will start to be less sticky and wither away once you start to recognize that you actually are good enough.

Throw out “Duality” Throw out “Non duallity” Throw out “Dream” Throw out “Enlightenment” Throw out “Awakening” Throw out “Now” Throw out “God” Throw out “Ego” Throw out “Knowing” Throw out “Unknowing” Throw out “Seeking” Throw out “Stillness” Throw out “Isness” Throw out “Infinity” Throw out “Spirituality” Throw out "throwing out" What is left? Is it knowable? Is it conceptual? Is there anything that could be said about it? Will any word ever describe it?

"Throw out throwing out" as the last concept cancels itself out leaving nothing left to hold onto. Like a koan.