traveler

Adyashanti breaks down Enlightenment myths. Pretty useful for killing off your many ideas about what it is.

A monster calls Incredible movie about letting go and facing the truth. It moved me to tears.

I similarly experience this with weed. It's like hanging on the edge of a cliff with one hand but being unable to take the leap or like getting all of your stories beat out of you furiously but the only story that remains and the only story that doesn't let go is the story of the ego. I've found myself on this brink of death a couple of times before. The overwhelming fear of non existence is the main concern of the ego.

I haven't smoked weed for about 2-3 months. My friends still do, but my experiences with it makes it impossible for me to be around people while high. I would like to hear if other mind bodies have had the same effects on weed, so I'll try to explain the unexplainable. A big opening happened for me about a year ago when I smoked weed alone outside on a bench. I had no experiences that where close to this one, which could explain the willingness I had to surrender to it. It basically shattered my ego, and I merged with let's call it god. We chilled for infinity and then I was gently but back into my body and the world materialized again. Good experience. Ever since this happened I have been unable to keep myself grounded in the 3D reality when smoking with my friends. I'll try to explain. 1. The door opens: Ever since the big opening my heart pounds so hard and fast everytime I smoke which immediately ungrounds me because of anxiety. Slowly my concepts begins to crumble. The music we're listening to reveals itself to be god, the room we are in reveals itself to be the infinite dressing up as the room, the understanding of what death and being infinitely alone presents itself. 2. The fight: at this point I'll often shut off from socializing and put on headphones and listen to spiritual teachers looking for guidance. There is of course nothing else to come for here. The music, the room, the intuition, the feelings are all saying the exact same thing, this is it, let go and be. This is it let go and be. This. This is it. You will not know what will happen when you let go, it is unknown. Let go. The fear of the void is too strong, the known is so comforting and safe, if I let go I'll have no control, if I let go I will die. It is sometimes recognized here that you are unable to let go, that the whole act of trying to control what is happening is the thing that has ended you up in this place to begin with, in this loop of chasing your own tail. So what can you do? Nothing. You'll be chasing yourself forever. Until you face yourself. Until you let go. Until you are 100 percent willing to die. No worries though, because you can never be touched. You are beep bop dooby snoopy, bleep blop very funny. I often have an Idea about where I'm going with posts like these, but I often end up with small awakenings underway and I end up answering my own questions. It's a very good method for clearing up stufffff. I recommend it to nobody wah wah. I'll post it anyway, because, because, because, do you really need a cause? loosen up mate come on..

He describes he has lost all sense of time. He has been having amnesia for 20 years but says it feels like no time has passed. He also says he is completely incapable of thinking. And other stuff. Thoughts on this? Seems like what it would mean to lose your ego almost interely. Her wife also describes that he loves watching rugby and cricket, but he has no idea who's playing and what the score is. He just enjoys watching the swing of the bat. Talk about being in the now. This is from his diary:

I've been casually reading all of these enlightenment quotes saying to myself "oh yeah so true, I definitely get what that means." But I went through the quotes on the forum and something in me wanted to deconstruct what it actually meant. I starred at this picture for so fucking long trying to actually get what the fuck this simple ass quote meant but it just did not make any sense, and I found that funny asf and very liberating. Stop looking for answers. The joke is on you.

Tragic if the ego believes that concept I would say

Who cares?

Who reads this? Who listens to music? Where is this experiencer located in the body? Is he in your head? Is he always there or is he only there when you think about him? Will he ever be able to transcend himself? Would there be a desire to transcend yourself or attain enlightenment, If he wasn't there? What causes suffering? Does your body work without a driver?

I have experienced the same. I got more and more isolated on this journey. The only thing I was living for was the next insight, meditating every day trying to break through the thin veil of the reality that I perceived. My big awakening experience sent me on a 2 year journey of seeking. I got disconnected from people around me and was unable to relate to ordinary human problems. A while ago after the years of heavy seeking I laid of the 4 hours of non dual videos a day and the constant chasing for the now, and went back to being a human again. I was tired of treating myself like shit, my body like shit. I was getting on the heavier side, so I laid of the junk food og went to the gym, I've implemented new habits for about a month now and I feel better than I did the last 2 years. I'm more grounded, I have true peace without having to worry about shutting of my mind, I have opinions and I stand for something, I can help my family with their problems because I'm not discarding those problems to be unreal anymore, I am learning to love myself and not avoid myself. One thing that I'm still working on is the social awkwardness that you talk about, this has gotten better than before, but I can still be anxious in social settings with strangers. The whole idea that helped me was the idea that it is okay to have an ego. I heard that from Matt Kahn. I had been trying to shed my ego for so long, but it never felt that good to try and do that. The first time I heard Matt Kahn say that it was okay to have an ego it was the insight I had been chasing for 2 years, I laughed so much and everything got lighter. You have to have an ego to integrate your ego.

Never gets boring huh?

Yes I've seen all that, I'm just not constantly aware of that fact. I spent all my days for a long time being too much in my mind by from those realisations, and it made me frustrated, unhappy and unconnected. By focusing more on the play of life, without trying to maintain my connection with source all the time, has been given me space to just be without thinking about it. I believe there comes a time in this work where you have to lay the spiritual ideas away for a bit and just enjoy your day to day experience. The reason that I asked ivan how you could know when it was time to embrace the ego, is because It always feels like you're missing something on the spiritual journey. You imagine there will be a moment where you get the final insight and become happy from there on out. But I have had no luck with this, I've already seen my true nature, so maybe it's time to lay all of those teachings repeating what I already know aside for a bit.

@ivankiss That's very interesting. So in this state you can embrace all areas of life without falling into identification? No fear, no self doubt or low self esteem, just creating for the love and fun of it? I've experienced the dissolution of the world 1 time before, and have been on the edge of it a couple of times since, but get struck by fear before losing every sense of orientation. I felt myself becoming less and less present and grounded during this work. Had a hard time connecting with people, as it was like I wasn't on wavelength with anyone. I've also been aware of a growing spiritual ego which made me feel superior to others but in some senses a lot more insecure and scared. I've experienced happiness and more connection the last week by putting my contemplation to the side and working on myself. This might be a phase I have to go through for my soul to reach new expansion, idk. Also there is fear of doing the work seriously while I live with other people, as I'm afraid of going into a meditative state for days without moving and then freaking them out, maybe that's just the ego talking. But this work seems to be easier if your isolated from such concerns.

How do you know when you are ready to embrace life with an ego again? I've been distancing myself a bit from all of the spiritual teachings lately, and have went back to "normal" behaviour, such as working out and taking care of my body and mind again. It feels good to get away from contemplating all the time, it's less draining and I feel happier. I have had awakening experiences, and been chasing them for about 2 years, it feels like I've just given up and embraced my ego. But I dont know if dropping spirituality is the right thing to do in terms of my souls deepest desire.

I appreciate all your answers, thank you!

The last couple of days I've changed my routine immensely. I've started a really clean diet, I sleep a lot earlier than i used to, I don't fap and I exercise every day. This is the total opposite of what my life has looked like the last 3-4 months. I feel amazing, I have a lot more energy and I feel happier overall. One problem that has arisen after this change in lifestyle, is that my mind is running crazy about what I'm going to eat tomorrow, which exercises I am going to do etc. Last night I couldn't fall asleep because it was looping over these matters constantly. Is it possible to have extreme discipline (this is extreme for me, lol) and still be rooted in the now? It seems almost impossible, as there are so many things to think about.

@mandyjw great advice, thank you

I have to make a choice based on an unconscious action I took in my past. I sought jaw surgery/chin surgery about 3 years ago because of an insecurity in my appearance. I got referred to an orthodontist to get checked for a chin surgery, but he said that the whole jaw surgery would give me better results in the end. I have a disguised overbite. My upper teeth a tilted back and lower teeth tilted forward, creating the illusion that I don’t have an overbite when looking at my bite. My profile is pretty recessed though. I went to my dentist today and she told me that she couldn’t promise improvements in any of the concerned areas I mentioned in terms of functionality (breathing, sleeping, posture etc.) Let me get to the point: Since I had a profound awakening, there have been great difficulties in terms of taking actions like this one. Beliefs have been formed about what's right and what’s wrong in terms of spirituality, and my own growth. I have built a very strong belief that seeking aesthetic perfection is of the materialistic paradigm, and that it is very unspiritual and wrong to alter your looks just because you’re not particularly happy with it. On the other hand I do want this surgery because I have an intuition that it will help me health wise in the long run and that it also will make it easier for me to be at ease and accept myself on a human level. But I still don't know if this is real intuition or if it's my ego secretly using this as an excuse to get the surgery done so I can look better. There is some strong cognitive dissonance going on here, and I would greatly appreciate some of you guys wisdom. Basically: Is it “wrong” or “bad” for your spiritual growth, to get “cosmetic surgery”?

I can relate to your problem. I think it's normal to disassociate with the body and mind after a big experience. When your an ego chasing enlightenment you take on a lot of spiritual conditioning in the process. This is a trap I found myself in , and I think many people get stuck in for a while. It's a spiritual ego. An ego that thinks it knows. Either it takes on a superior act (the I know and you dont) or It takes on the existential dread act (the everything is meaningless and nothingness and hopeless, but it's own interpretations of these words). I have found myself in both of these traps multiple times before. The book by adyashanti "the end of your world" talks about this. I saw a video by a guy named Matt Kahn the other day and he really opened my eyes to something. He said "it's okay to have an ego," omg you're not allowed to say that right? But just feel into it. Doesn't it feel better to just embrace that you might have an ego, and that you inhabit a body? It's easy to get stuck in between the world and the "spiritual realms" or whatever, this might ground you a little. ?

An inquiry that has brought me clarity a couple of times is asking what nothing really means. You see this word being thrown about quite a lot in here, but have you ever actually stopped to investigate what absolute infinite nothing really means? It might bring about some frustration and heavy headedness because the ego is trying to figure out what it would mean, and it is of course impossible for the ego to know, because the ego only knows something. If the word is looked at enough, it might actually show you what it points to.

I have had only one meeting with an "enlightened being." It was very nice and we could look into each others eyes and dissolve into nothingness together. The meeting brought clarity and a sense of healing, but not enlightenment. Nobody can give you enlightenment, so be nobody.

I'm considering buying the booklist, but I don't have a lot of money to spend if I'm also going to buy some books from it. I'm interested if you guys are happy with this purchase? Are there hidden gems? Have these books been a great help on your journey?

In my experience weed is amazing for spirituality. I have always used it irresponsibly/casually like most cannabis smokers, and the one time I did it for spirituality I had a breakthrough into non duality. It has amazing potential for spirituality, but it can be very very "harsh" if you fight what it is trying to show you.

I literally just bought 17 books, used a big chunk of my money, all of the recommendations are really interesting. Maybe I went a bit overboard, but I couldn't help myself, lol.