tsuki

When tripping on LSD, my subconscious was communicating that I am an eye-creature, that every inch of my body is an eye that has eyes in it. Something of an insect things, but made of human eyes. This was not a part of visuals (eye-consciousness), mind you. Just a "feeling" of what I am. This shot from "lean on" sparks this feeling:

"Trap" is a cheap, ideological, marketing trick. A trick that must be played if one wants to pierce through the saturated market of today's viewer attention. It is very unfortunate that this word has caught on because it plays on the most basic instincts and that is counter-productive if one wants to be in touch with the higher self. Spirituality is dialectical and things only seem as obstacles when you're starting to suffocate in their presence. Today's traps are yesterday's accomplishments. It would be awesome if more people were 'trapped' by attachment to detachment, because it is freeing and more inclusive. I don't know why I quoted that sentence in my previous post, but I meant that your insight is in accordance with my experience.

This is in accordance with my experience.

@JPaulo Notice that 'you' letting 'yourself' follow intuition is a 'you', doer, questioner, doubter. You are an ego wondering whether something other than yourself (intuition) is an ego. Following the path of greatest resistance like @Neorez suggests will 'break' you into something malleable, surrendering. That does not make the ego disappear - it makes the ego transparent, adaptable, fluid, flowing. That is good, but be weary of taking up the mantle of a hard-ass. That is a part of why the ego seems transparent when it is broken open. Is your intuition something that thoughts speak of, or did you actually find it in your direct experience? That is a genuine question and I hope for sincere answer.

@Faceless, @now is forever, and @Zweistein although she is posting here from time to time.

You're misusing mathematical operator here. Hate is founded in love, but love is not founded in hate. It's more of a love -> hate relationship. Love is all there is, but you may be disconnected from it. If that is the case, then you're looking for your own sense of direction and invent one. Hate is when your personal sense of direction is threatened and you are not open to perceive other's actions through their own perspective. You may even hate people that genuinely have your best interest in their mind because their ego is so expansive and inclusive that they perceive you as themselves (non-duality).

Because we so good at being egos that we killed off all competition.

@LucyKid Spirituality (transcendence) is the top of your survival pyramid and needs to be firmly founded. If you're dependent on your parents to sustain you, chances are that you're missing other areas of development that have more immediate impact on your well-being. If you look at this situation more broadly, it seems like you're trying to develop your father spiritually while he's trying to ground you in physicality. You need each other, but you need to establish common ground for communication. If you started to follow his advice and develop yourself in the areas he is suggesting, maybe he would start to listen to your advice as well (if he saw that they actually do provide value)? Since you consider yourself more conscious, it seems like the responsibility for providing space and "yielding" is yours. With the everyday "mindfulness stretch" your father is unwittingly giving you, I would not be too concerned with having a dedicated meditation practice on top of that. What I would suggest instead is shadow work and emotional healing in general which would be beneficial for both of you.

Today, I am very much in touch with this mute interpretative faculty - maybe because I've been watching movies for the past two days. I'm aware of how I'm in contact with it and I usually leave it be, by itself, passively, and use it as a kind of radar for various everyday situations. For example, I was going to the grocery store and I noticed that my attention was shifting towards the buildings and my own body and I understood that that 'thing' was feeling small, fragile. The cities make people feel insignificant because of how big the buildings are, and how they represent the sheer scale of the collective effort to survive. I noticed that I instinctively retracted back to my own body and balanced this feeling of insignificance with acute awareness of the complexity of my body, as if I was reassuring myself that I am not, in fact, small. I am a very complex creature, very similar to a tall building, and started to notice small details of life scattered across the pavement. Like I said, this faculty is very active during my interactions with art, recently with movies. First, I watched the third John Wick movie, which apart from being a great spectacle, was also an exercise in body awareness and relaxation. If I fully immerse myself in the movie, my various body parts tense up instinctively and make me feel uncomfortable. It is not the emotional charge that disturbs me directly, but my bodily responses. Then, we watched Lord of War, which was a commentary on violence, and a critique of the green's attempt to scapegoat dysfunctional orange, when really - systemic solutions are needed. Today's movie, was really good. We watched Vanilla Sky which was about enlightenment with a meta-narrative story that talked about the subconscious mind! So, in a sense - as an awakened person with the intent of understanding my subconscious - I was watching a movie about a person that is awakening and battling with his unconscious mind! What the fuck?! It was mainly an exercise in not losing my shit and doubting my sanity, while watching another person doubting his sanity during his awakening. The ending *spoiler alert* brought me to tears, when the awakened protagonist understood that it was just a dream, and decided to resurrect his dead girlfriend for a last kiss. What brought me to tears was the realization that he knew that she wasn't real and he knew that she was a projection of his subconscious mind, but it did not stop the love. So, in effect, he was loving his incompleteness that was projected outwards, as a perfect person to fill his brokenness. Very, very bold. My subconscious had a feast in reading symbols, mirrors and looking through the smoke in this film. There is actually one instance when I know that I'm not using this faculty passively - it is when I'm trying to understand something that eludes me. I'm meddling with this field to recontextualize symbols used by another person, and forming a language, code, that 'makes sense'. The key component here is the willingness to abandon my understanding of his words that are usually experienced as "negative emotions". It is very dependent on Ego's willingness to stay malleable and flexible. For a very long time it had me bound in a perpetual 'understand everything' mode where I did not know when is the right time to listen, and where it is the right time to exercise my knowledge and stand by it firmly.

There is a part of me that is mute, but it has (it is?) an interpretative faculty. There are times when I am acutely aware of it, but most of the time it's working somewhere in the background, subconsciously. The moments when I am in touch with it the most, are when I am engaged with art and are open to perceiving its, hmmm... beauty or depth of meaning. Maybe, it is something in lines of aesthetic sense and it is one of the deepest parts of me that I enjoy cultivating a relationship with. I was always thinking that it's a kind of a separate thing from which the regular discursive thought can be 'drawn' to from stories about what is perceived, but my recent LSD trip brought new understanding to the table. My awareness expanded to the point where this mute interpretative faculty was blown waaaay out of proportion and my thoughts were being "drowned" in it. The movement of that faculty was so pronounced that thoughts were 'swept' along with it and it informed everything in my perception, including visuals. What was very apparent in this mode of being, is that my inner emotional landscape is the reflection of my surroundings, and that my surroundings are the reflection of my responses to those emotional images. What I suspect is the case, is that actually, that mute interpretative faculty is the basis for discursive thought in my 'sober' mode of operation. With ego death, "my" intelligence was freed from its usual self-other-world loop and directed itself towards its origin. This origin is the 'field' from which thoughts arise and it is 'stirred' by the "hardware" of the body. I'm using these terms borrowed from technology, but it's definitely not the case that this field is 'dumb' in contrast with the discursive thought. If anything, the brilliance of discursive thought permeates downwards and explodes, or implodes in its origin, this, hmm... primordial soup that is the interface between the ego-bound "subjective" and the "objective" world that starts at the 'unconscious' parts of 'my' body. This gave me a new appreciation, and maybe - reassurance, in spending my life simply caring about my most basic needs despite having intellectual capability for being someone that is perceived as greater in the social sphere.

Show-off.

What about the universal drive to expand/perfect itself? Even if creation and destruction are in equilibrium, the forms that are created out of synthesis are greater. Shouldn't we as humans be conscious of this and strive to align ourselves with this order? While it certainly is a choice to be made, this choice is a necessity after some point.

Is that why you were hanging out with me?

You're welcome, man. If you feel like I'm saying that you are deluded or something, please remember that you are an amazing person and that we need more delusion like yours . The 'whatever you say' attitude is just the testimony of your sincerity, and how you can experience this yourself without thinking: 'am I deluding myself here?'. You know what you are, now be something else.

What you are doing is basically this: Oh look, there is something moving, its bubbly and really difficult to look at. Then, you zoom out and go OH, so it is a wave, and a wave is on the sea, so there really is no wave, but there is the sea. And then, you're like: but what is that thing over there that does not move? And you zoom out and you're like OH, it is a shore that is a part of land! So there is sea and there is shore, so there really is no sea and no shore, but there is the Earth! But hey, what is that thing over there that is not the sea, not the shore not the Earth? So there can be something else other than Earth? OH, that is space! So there is Earth and there is space, but what is that thing... OH SO MAYBE NOTHING REALLY IS THERE AND EVERYTHING IS JUST AN ILLUSION?! Ultimately, nothing really is there and everything is an illusion, but that is only because you're all zoomed out and deny the validity of your 'intermediate' interpretation. You haven't 'turned back'. Illusion is a process, not a 'thing'. It is ignorance, finitude, ignoring. Existence is illusory, but it exists. From the solipsistic perspective, yes somewhat. You, the small ego, are tricking yourself into believing things about what is. What is, is without qualities in itself, but you as an ego are finite and manufacture things about it because you forget that. If you stop forgetting that, you will arrive at reality as-is, but you do not get rid of your finitude. You are bound by your body and its needs and your egoic fragility (care) does not allow you to just die like that. From the solipsistic perspective however, this 'interpretation of truth' that stems from ignorance is creation itself. You are "illusing" things into existence because you're finite. How cool is that? But wait, that is just 'small head solipsism'. There is also 'big head solipsism' where you understand that reality that binds your small ego with the body, is a mind itself. You you can get out of your 'small ego' and inhabit the 'big ego' directly and do all sorts of crazy shit with illusion that manifests things into existence "objectively". That is what, I believe, Leo teaches. It is very reminiscent of the Hermetic tradition. I'm not sure I get the significance of this paragraph. I hope that the previous section clears some thing up.

'What is', is an appearance, but calling it 'merely' an appearance is a huge understatement. Illusion is how all of creation happens, but it says nothing about why creation happens. By dismissing existence as, let's say, feature, you are dismissing Love as the 'basis (?)' of Emptiness. Basis is not the right word here, but I will leave it as that to prevent this conversation from spiraling down again. If you see that 'what is', is an appearance, then there is no reason to ask 'why' that appearance is. However, the same predicament binds you when you don't see that 'what is' is an appearance and have not even started seeking. There is no reason to seek, but that is not a good enough reason to not seek. Illusions exist because they themselves are illusory.

Recent changes I've been going through include: I decided to quit listening to music after my latest breakthrough. Because of silence, the mind became so sensitive to it that I just can't stomach it. I somewhat miss this because it has been the fuel for my programming for many years. At the same time, over the years I became slowly aware of the fact that the mind is in a terrible state after long hours of this kind of work. Right now, if I listen to a catchy song, it gets stuck on repeat every time I think with the inner voice. I can listen to any song at will, but the only thing that brings me to silence is awareness of the present moment, which is really fucking annoying because sometimes, you want to be an idiot that knows no better and actively think for a change. So, no more music for me (as long as my pea-sized brain can remember, that is). I became acutely aware of just how much of an idiot I am. Like, compared to other people that I know of, I'm pretty smart, but having witnessed intelligence far beyond anything imaginable, I am really fucking stupid. I know for a fact that despite being this awesome, my idea of awesome is really not all that impressive. Not only that, but it is actually better for me, and other people, to be this fucking stupid. This is weird because this actually allows me to talk about myself in an unrestrained manner while not losing respect for other people. In my pea-sized brain I had an idea about what humility is and tried to conform to it hahaha. Nope, that is just a contraction of the ego and not genuine humility. The mind is relative and needs a point of reference in order to appreciate things. Appreciation of hierarchies of consciousness. The order of the world is maintained by freedom. Beings lower in the hierarchy unconsciously obey those above in pursuit of their own flourishing and genuine growth. The higher you are in hierarchy, the more harmony you understand and are in tune with. Climbing the hierarchy requires increase of frequency that can go beyond physical death. Sudden jolts of frequency are interpreted as fear, or terror, but this feeling, upon inspection, is nothing other than relaxation, surrender - surrender to the Law, harmony, Tao, etc.. Everyone is bound by the Law, but the further you are from the source, the more free you are to diverge from it. That is Ego, God within God, and ground upon which human condition arises.

Mmmm... this feels like an awakening. Waking up tired despite having 8 hours of sleep? Check. Energy through the roof in the morning? Check. Browsing forum like a maniac? Check. Contemplation insights? Check. Having weird-ass perceptions that twist my mind into a pretzel? Check. Universe, I'm not seeking anymore. Stahp, it tickles!

Oh shit, I just became conscious of the fact that my self-doubt and self-criticism stem from the inability of my ego to embody what I know to be possible. Self-doubt and self-criticism are an inner call to expand in consciousness. I'm doing that for my own good, but I don't get the message. Woot?! I was pondering today that the personal, egoic, light (illumination) is waaaaaaaay smaller than the personal mind and that I know so many things that I constantly forget them. So much pointless suffering stems from identification with what is illuminated by that light. Like: why don't I remember that I can go much deeper into (what appears to be) the darkness and bring the light with me to seek resolution? The insight about ritual and its place in anchoring important things in the vicinity of that light is whizzing by from time to time. I know that I should have rituals for that purpose, but I choose be fluid, formless. Why do I do that? Hmmm.... The only reason I can think of is simply that there is so much stuff going on every day (around me and within me) that I can't seem to fit that anywhere. The things I do are important and I don't want to lose them. Maybe they actually are a ritual, or maybe I should recontextualize my perception of them so that they remind me of something beyond? Hmmm...

Yes, the strong ones have plenty of it and give it away freely and fearlessly.

Nahm is on a spree ?

A lie is a deliberate attempt at creating an illusion. Illusion is when something appears to be different from what it is. A lie implies intent and a liar, while illusion does not. Some know that there only appears to be a liar, so lies in themselves are an illusion. Illusion is ultimately how creation happens, so illusions are real.

This is such a rollercoaster to watch. The brilliance of the rational mind backed up by emotional maturity mistakenly frames God as a the spirit of humanity. I really love Jordan's lectures but this one tells me that he has never had a deep mystical experience. With all of his understanding of the various religions and Jungian psychology, he is such a fertile person to experience one. His philosophy of life is so deeply rooted in suffering that it even shows in his teary voice. You can't manufacture Grace, Jordan! Stop trying to be an Antichrist.