tsuki

@Nicachi Too good to be true, right? Every single thing you do is exactly as it should be. Do you still feel like you are doing things, or does it do itself?

Today's walk to the forest was very noisy with thoughts, I could not relax myself properly. At some point, after struggling I saw that the struggle itself is the problem and I let go. Every day when I wake up, my system is all messed up by sleep and I have to wake up twice. The second waking up is when the mind gives in and relaxes to the will. It's like it suddenly becomes flaccid, malleable, relaxed. Sometimes it feels like the inside of my body relaxes, expands, almost with a ripping sound. This time around it happened during a walk. With a newly found clarity, I remembered that I skipped my coffee today and that my neck hurts because I haven't been stretching it properly. This is what spiraled out to create the mess. Struggle in itself is a sign of contraction. Expansion is due to grace.

Sinking the mind in the breath: day #3 Emotions started coming up. Yesterday, I had a release in the morning while being touched, and in the afternoon while watching trees being moved by the wind. Self-doubt and self-criticism started coming up as a response to my emotional state. The content of those thoughts circulated around my perceived rejection by two members of this forum. I started doubting my capability to help people and if I'm really qualified to give them advice. I've seen this movement many times and rested it on my habitual tendency to underestimate the amount of work I've put. Yesterday, for the first time, a spontaneous thought came up that said 'thinking feels unnatural'. Relaxing thoughts down feels like a cold liquid is sinking down my body-sponge, towards my belly. The best way to describe how it feels when this liquid is absent from the head is: 'clarity'. When my awareness is not occupied with relaxation, the center of gravity keeps being down, but thoughts start whispering. They are not like my regular way of thinking: they are very subtle and hmmm... blurred. They stop "sounding" like language, but they keep conveying meaning somehow. That is good, I want to keep the meaning, but dispose with "verbalization". I also started being interested in the operation of my body. Today I will be skipping coffee and I will avoid overstimulating my nervous system. Music is still off-limits: it is so violent that memory-ripples it creates are unbearable. Fortunately, relaxing the mind started to be more effective and silence is much more pleasurable anyways. Some time ago I tried on noise cancelling headphones and immediately fell in love with them. They are very expensive and I don't feel comfortable buying them because my wife is trying learn to be frugal. Still, I think that they are not a whim, but a genuine need given the circumstances I'm in. The only doubt I'm having is that I want to keep practicing relaxation in a stimulating environment to build the habit. These headphones are like side-wheels for a children's bike and ultimately - an obstacle.

You are misinterpreting my questions. I am not trying to debate you. I am asking you questions so that you can honestly reflect on them and see past your own limitations. I don't get off on humiliating people on online forums. I was scientifically trained and I am not opposed to the scientific method. I am merely asking you whether you are aware of its applicability. Scientific method is the best tool for solving practical problems at collective level. Absolute truth is neither practical in this sense, nor is it verifiable at the collective level. You need to verify it for yourself and your skepticism is a solid foundation. The problem is that you are skeptical towards others instead of being skeptical of yourself. That is a distraction. Actually, ancient skeptics were closer to the absolute truth than you are right now. Study them. I'm going to say this again: you are misinterpreting Leo's teaching. You are affecting reality with your mind, at the very least, by writing the responses and reading my replies. How does your mind do that?

@okulele Very inspiring, thank you!

Matter, as opposed to what? Is matter the absolute ground of existence? Is matter not made of something? What is 'matter'? What is 'substance'? What do you mean by 'proven'? Do you mean that in scientific terms? When you are looking for absolute truth, can you prove anything with absolute certainty using the scientific method? Is it absolutely proven that the sun will not go out tomorrow? Have you studied the scientific method and the extents of its applicability? What is the substance of your 'subjectivity'? Is your 'subjectivity' made of matter? Is anger made of atoms? What are thoughts made of? When you close your eyes and imagine something, what is that image made of? Does your subjective experience exist at all if it is not made of matter? What is experience?

@Zigzag Idiot I will read it when I get back home. I hope you're OK.

Good. What do you mean by 'exist'? Be as specific as you possibly can. What do you understand when someone claims that other people "don't exist"? Also, what do you understand when you hear the sentence 'your mind'? What are the extents of your mind? Where does it start and where does it end? These are not trick questions. I expect honest answers.

@Neph I find this place to be extremely open-minded and pushing the boundary is very fun . If you want a private conversation, you can PM me. I will do my best to help you.

@Marcell Kovacs Oh man, reading that was a rollercoaster. Whew! I can recognize the 22 year-old me that could have written it, but I'm not sure that he would be able to listen to what I have to say. Nonetheless... First of all: chill the fuck down. Your drive is absolutely amazing and I'm 100% sure that it will blossom into something superhuman, but this shit needs time. You should get one thing out of your mind: if you have not succeeded then it does not mean that you've wasted your time. You may have chosen where you want to be, but that does not mean it's really what's best for you. You try this and fail, you try that and fail, this goes well.. oh and another failure. Then, 3 years down the road you look back at your mistakes go: OH MY GOD! and see how they all synergize to create your unique niche. Refine your life purpose with your failures. Second of all, I think that you are more sensitive than you are able admit to yourself. That is not an insult. That is a statement about your intelligence. There are people that will finish their lap twice as fast as you do, but if you want to compare against them, you need to know the length of their track. Music and art are a form of expression. YOU are the thing that is being expressed, your soul. The deeper you dig, the more beautiful and nuanced it becomes, and the more refined your aesthetic taste is. That is how your inner work synergizes with your life purpose. If your technical skill does not match your aesthetic nuance, you will get discouraged. Technical skill at creating art is incredibly important too, don't ditch your practice and don't get discouraged. It takes years to master it. Third of all, I'm under the impression that your parents are successful, driven people that want the best for you. Do not make the mistake of pressuring yourself to match their accomplishments, however tempting it may be. If they have expectations of you, then that is because they love you and want the best for you. What is best for you is to be you, even if that means being poor or unpopular. Only you know who you are. Lastly, be mindful of the cycle between your high motivation and utter depression. The harder you push, the more depressed you are. That is because you don't know how to pace yourself. Your drive is absolutely golden platinum diamond 100%, but you need to take care of your body and mental state as you put it to work. Be gentle with yourself.

@Zigzag Idiot Is this you getting gaslighted like you were predicting?

@Truth Addict Enlightenment is the "Aha!". The depth of it is bounded by open-mindedness. Samadhi is resting in open-mindedness. Enlightenment itself is grace. It is not caused, but effort is an invitation.

Sinking the mind in the breath: day #2 Staying thoughtless is difficult if not impossible, but I made my resolve. My intention is to be able to process the constant bombardment of stimuli without them seeding my thoughts. This resolve is not caused by fear that I'm not the master of my mind, but rather by seeing that it is not necessary for everyday life. I want this 'everyday life' to be the stable basis for my happiness, and the mind to be a cherry on top. Being obsessed with the cherry is having life ass-backwards, which creates dishonesty, imbalance and subconscious fear originating from 'shakiness' of the tower. Being in contact with language is a direct stimulation of the mind. Writing thoughtlessly is difficult. I do not think what to write, but letters flash as I am writing. Funny how I think that I'm all grown up because I don't read out loud lol. I guess that 'loud' is a matter of perspective. Yesterday evening and today morning I was feeling severely malnourished with respect to touch. That feeling always used to creep up on me, and I would get pushy and angry for "no reason". The fact that I can recognize it and ask for it explicitly is a huge step forwards. I can't even say how grateful I am to my wife that she understands this need of mine and likes to provide. My solitude in the past has caused me to believe that this undernourishment is my temperament and I learned to resolve it by gaslighting myself down to apathy. I'm slowly recovering from this kind of ignorance, but my touch-o-meter only shows up when I'm dangerously close to becoming an enraged 3-year old. I'm still conflicted about the mind because I know that disposing of it is not the way to go. I need to shift my center of gravity down to my belly and 'resort' to thoughts when the time is appropriate. Still, I feel like a hardcore reset of the mind is in order. Rest in the belly and relax. Conscious breathing has lost some of its effect because I became conscious of why breathing is something that is in-between physical and mental. Just like the mind became imprinted with sounds and mimics language to think, it has learned to mimic the sound of breathing and it is juxtaposed with the actual breathing. That kind of stimulation does not exhaust the capacity of my beast and it does not stop me from thinking lol. Thoughts are usually on the verge of being 'audible' mentally, bubbling on the boundary of my subconscious.

Good idea ?

It goes way deeper than that. But that's a good start. Have your understanding ever been kicked from beneath your feet so violently that you were not even sure that you are not supposed to hover mid-air? Go there. Don't believe Leo's teachings unless you have direct experience of them. Seek direct experience.

Only direct experience.

@Lowerplanedweller you are my new favorite person ?

@Neph Is it about finding "like-minded", or rather, "no-minded" individuals? Or is it about your own growth?

@Neph why not do it here on the forum? Do you have any specific questions?

Ahh, you mean like in social situations? I wouldn't bother. Chances are very slim to find a person open-minded enough to speak directly with. I'm considering opening up to a zen meditation group but I don't want to offend them lol. It's much better to use your unique talents to gain friends than to talk about enlightenment in my opinion. That, or use your skills in inquiry or meditation to provide value for people and get the conversation going from that angle.

The easiest way to find "others" is to simply speak your heart. Thieves need no introduction. Really, it's uncanny.

@Zigzag Idiot This is in accordance with what Meditations on Tarot teach. Master is not merely a metaphor. I can't reconcile this. Not with existence of other religions.

@Lowerplanedweller Thank you for posting this. What you call Holy Spirit, Leo seems to call God. It is easy to confuse the soul with the Holy Spirit. The passing-through between them is insight. He has never mentioned the Mystery before (you call it God). What is the role of the Master?

Language is a second-order construct that depends on something that is beyond it. That is why dictionaries are strangeloops. The fact that language cannot describe its own operation does not imply that there is no meaning. Meaning is more basic and requires direct awareness. The best pointer I can give is: "to understand is to do".

Given how he flip-flopped between new-age and Christianity, I would say that he did not process his experience deeply. The polarity that dualisitc religions set between an individual and God is equally as helpful as it is an obstacle. If the person truly comprehended the magnificence of God and prayed as eagerly as it necessitates, enlightenment would be inevitable. But then again... to realize that one is the God he is worshiping is a twist worthy of Son of God.