tsuki

I have broken ever single person in my life in order to toy with them. I have mistaken that for love. My life is a lie.

I'm not green. I'm red. I'm the Donald Trump of Actualized.org.

Exploring the deep themes of life in an approachable manner.

https://www.verywellmind.com/understanding-the-covert-narcissist-4584587

I thought that I love my wife more than anything in my entire life and I used that to justify being a fucking animal. I don't know what love is anymore. I don't know what I am.

What's even more twisted is that this very therapist used to counsel my wife a year ago and I'm using that fact to question his objectivity in my own defense! WHAT THE FUCK TSUKI?! WHO ARE YOU?

I appreciate that all of you are trying to comfort me, but this is not just my imagination, or choice of perception. We went to couples therapy session and I had a shouting contest with the therapist, he said that I'm using emotional violence against my wife, that I treat her like a dog, that I will start hitting her in a year and that we should get a divorce. He was scared that I will hit my wife after we leave the session and reassured her that he will help her if she calls him. THIS WAS A FIRST SESSION! Either he's being serious or this is an incredibly cruel scare tactic to get me to cooperate. I was observing how I manipulate others in how he was manipulating me. I am projecting my misogyny onto my wife and using pop-psychology to "fix" her. I have no concept of boundaries and personal space and I am using nonduality to justify it. I am treating people instrumentally, as a way to get my needs met. I have authority issues. And all of this happens when I lose my temper and I get angry A LOT. This is fucking dangerous. I'm a loaded gun ready to go off.

Believe me, I didn't come across as high on the narcissist scale to myself as well. The problem is that this place is easy to manipulate and you don't see just how angry and frightening I can come across in person. The truth is that I'm not talking about my marriage in any detail in here. It's horrifying.

I am a narcissist.

I lived my life by harming and manipulating others in order to avoid being the victim of traumas. In order to do that, I became something that is capable of greater harm than the monsters that tormented me. I feel disgusted, angry and terrified.

@remember Yes, thank you. I'll keep working on it.

That's exactly what was happening over the past two days. We truly love each other. I have a very deep fear of violating my boundaries. My parents used to do that A LOT and I learned to escalate. I am a misogynist because I had many unfortunate events regarding females in my childhood and I don't feel that they are trustworthy. Some of these memories are about my mother being very unjust and using physical violence against me. This is an ancestral wound, her parents did the same thing to her brother and he used to bully her.

No, it's not ok! I was traumatizing my wife by playing out my childhood traumas unconsciously! WHAT THE FUCK!

The extents of my misogyny are astronomical. I'm in the process of healing that. Everyone, I'm sorry for being such a tool for the whole time and thank you for your patience with me. @remember @mandyjw @Zweistein

Prior to Newton's invention of gravity, the fact that things were falling down was not the issue, not the point. Right now, you look from the vantage point where the gravity distinction has already been made, so OF COURSE things were falling down prior to Newton. But imagine if you were ignorant of that distinction. The fact that things fall down would be so obvious that this fact would be overlooked. Or, to put it another way - imagine that right now, there is some distinction that you haven't made yet. Let's call this distinction X. Do things happen in accordance to X, like they fall down in accordance with gravity?

Today I tried sleeping without a pillow and it wasn't bad at all. I mean, my neck loved it, but sleep was all jittery. I dreamed of being chased by a grizzly bear through a ladder and couldn't fit through the window at the top. My wife was in the room and I was yelling "let me in!" but she couldn't hear me. When the bear almost got me, my wife woke me up because my body was shaking lol. I also started a onenote journal so I will probably write here even less.

@mandyjw Nope, but now I'm curious.

?

Depression related to nihilism is caused by associating meaning with the apparent meaninglessness of the world. If the world is truly meaningless, the fact that it is meaningless is meaningless in itself. I'd expect you to be too conscious to be incentivised to 'add meaning to your life' at that point. What I did instead was plunging into the nihilism-related suffering and see through it, understand it. Good luck.

Vanilla sky.

@niko ev When meditating on the breath, I can shift the energy downwards, in the direction of the stomach. On the 'out' breath, breathe into your solar plexus. You can learn to move energy around your body this way. To let the energy out of the head, you need a relaxed throat. Do you sing?

I started going to the gym, today was the second time. I bought four sessions with a personal trainer and described the goal of the training as health, endurance and mobility. Today's session was about stretching the torso and stomach muscles and it was an awesome mindfulness practice. During the training, I realized that what I've been doing in my breathing practices is a muscle relaxation technique. At home, when I started breathing into my neck muscles, I had an emotional release and cried. We also bought a sofa and an armchair. They are so comfortable that sitting feels like I'm floating mid-air. They are not too soft so that you sink into them, and yet - not too firm to have a sore back. I'm a master at ignoring discomfort. No wonder that my body accumulated so many traumas/tensions.

The only thing that can die is your understanding of the world. When a person dies, it is painful because your understanding of the world is no longer relevant. The 'body-person' that no longer breathes was never alive in the first place. It was just a pile of rearranged food.

I just noticed this journal. I'm glad that you started!