tsuki

Incredibly important.

You mean that I deliberately look for my own faults so that I can blame the world's problems on myself so that they make sense? No, I don't think so. I think it's more like I'm isolated/walled off to the point where I'm trying to be my own mirror. The fact that your body does not know the difference between play-abuse and real abuse even if you know this difference intellectually. Freudians claim that sex on the subconscious level is a re-creation of the infant's connection to his/her parents. If you were mistreated by them, then you are re-living this experience and possibly re-traumatizing yourself. Have you read anything on trauma bonding, where partners are locked in a cycle of abuse because of their symmetric past? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Traumatic_bonding https://www.instagram.com/the.holistic.psychologist/

For the past few days, I haven't been journaling because I've been busy and because my mindset was shifting too quickly to record it. The past few days went on like this: My wife met with a wardrobe stylist and spent a lot of money on the clothes she thought that she needed. I bought myself noise cancelling headphones for work. We spent a lot of money that day and it destabilized me emotionally. It spiraled out to a fight that lasted for a day. In the evening, I was overwhelmed when my wife's female acquaintance came over and later on that night I lost control. My emotions were all over the place and I was sexually frustrated. Despite my efforts to keep them to myself, I started blaming my wife for my insecurities. This had led to sex we both didn't want and we both felt badly about it afterwards. We had a discussion afterwards and had a few agreements regarding sex. I had a therapy session. I shared my discoveries about NPD and autism. The therapist never considered the possibility of me having Asperger syndrome and she seemed convinced that my upbringing was enough to lower my empathy. I shared the above mentioned situation and told her how I see it. I had a narrative related to my misogyny, but she walked me through my emotions and showed me how they were context-dependent. She was insisting on that I should stop diagnosing myself. We came to an agreement that I can record the sessions and listen to them afterwards. The whole session filled me with hope and helped me regain balance after what happened the day before. I got in touch with a friend from many years ago, back when I was gaming a lot. I have an urge to spend some time with him and play a few games together. He's in UK for several years. On Friday, we had All Saints' day in Poland and we decided to go on a holiday to Gdańsk. The noise cancelling headphones proved extremely valuable. My social battery was remarkably larger thanks to them and I was able to spend two whole days sightseeing until the physical fatigue got the better of us. It was romantic and I had a surprisingly good time. Too many details to remember or share, but there was a lot of food and awesome places. After wearing the NC headphones for two days I started noticing that noise cancellation in the right speaker was creating noise. After wearing them at work for the whole day, I returned them on warranty (lots of anxiety, stress and overthinking). The lady was very nice and gave me a full refund with the possibility to exchange the product for something different. I returned my Bose 700s and went for Sony WH-1000XM3. They seem much better despite being cheaper. We spent the evening at the neighbor's home, chatting. Today we have a couple's therapy session and I'm eager to see how it will turn out. Obviously, I did not schedule the trip's activities and I also had two cups of coffee.

26:53 - 31:42 - this is an important distinction. The narcissist is basically a person addicted to other people's positive reactions. His/her goal in life is to perfect the appearance to such a degree that you would get hooked on his/her presence and provide admiration/approval/etc. Sexually speaking, they perfect their technique to "break" you for other people so that you can't have sex with anybody else (or at least that's what they want you to think). All the while, they unconsciously abuse you because they project their early childhood perpetrator onto you and seek revenge. This infinite shapeshifting is possible because the narcissist is traumatized to the point where his true (emotional) self is no longer present. Narcissism is a form of (C)PTSD induced in early childhood. The narcissist is a "terminator/lizard hybrid" with the sole purpose of getting attention and admiration. A skilled actor. There are two kinds of narcissists - cerebral and somatic. The cerebral narcissist (that could be me, but I would argue that it doesn't fit): The cerebral narcissist feels that sex is demeaning and degrading (Not my conscious way of seeing it, but I've been interested in BDSM for a very long time. Never hid this fact and I don't think it's demeaning if it is mutually consented. However, I now think that it is a form of re/traumatization regardless of consent.) feels that acting on one’s sex drive is a primitive and common impulse. (it is a primitive common impulse, but it's not in any way demeaning in this way. I am okay with seeing myself as an animal.) above all that, endowed as he is with superior intellect and superior self-control. (nope, I never held myself back with regards to sex and I never took restraint as a virtue. I do think, however that I have an above-average intellect. I am weary of sounding arrogant, but my anger gets the better of me sometimes and I get the feedback that I am arrogant.) The cerebral narcissist does not enjoy sex and prefers mastrubation or emotionless sex (such as going to prostitutes). (No, I strongly prefer sex. Masturbation is something completely different from sex and inferior ime. Never been to a prostitute, I'd be afraid of one.) has bouts of sexual hyperactivity in which he frequently changes sexual partners and regards them simply as objects. (Nope, but I have a tendency to objectify women.) the hyper-sexuality appears mainly after significant narcissistic crises. (Nope. After what I could consider "narcissistic crises", I have zero sex drive or impulse). The somatic narcissist (that would definitely not be me, but it's the ultimate juvenile male fantasy): The somatic narcissist resorts to serial sexual conquests; his sex partners are considered by him to be mere objects – sources of narcissistic supply (never had a serial sexual conquest, but I would love to have one if I wasn't married and would be afraid of the consequences at the same time) seduction (nope, I'm socially awkward. Even with my wife lol) uses sex to conquer (BDSM?) mechanical act (I was always afraid of being mechanical, but it does get routine) rarely emotionally involved: as will need to move on and get new supply (Nope. I love my wife.) huge distinction between the primary and secondary source of supply (madonna - whore complex). (Nope.) views all sexual conquests in a negative light (smear) (Nope.) This is my main gripe with the theory that I have an NPD. Perhaps, I do have narcissistic traits, but I don't think that I have NPD. I had fantasized of things that a person having an NPD would do, but I have never done them. I am also fully aware of their destructive potential for the relationship. Certainly, I am misogynistic and I attribute that to the poor parenting on the part of my mother (that is the psychotherapist's opinion). The rest of the symptoms similar to NPD I currently understand in terms of high functioning autism/Asperger's syndrome. This seems to be confirmed by the Autism book from the booklist (I'm halfway through), my poor empathizing skills, abnormal use of spoken language, few facial expressions and rigid routines. This also seems to be confirmed by my mother in law's observations and she works with autistic children in kindergarten. The main difference between Asperger's syndrome and NPD seems to be that the cause is biological, rather than developmental. Persons with Asperger's syndrome do not hurt others to satisfy their addiction to the feeling of grandiosity, but rather - express their emotions abnormally and they are interpreted by others as hurtful. Apart from being a mismatch on the communication level, I may have a lesser nuance in perceiving my own emotions. This "diagnosis" does not invalidate the hurts that I've inflicted, but gives me reassurance in my cognitive ability. Previously, I was sure that the emotional system is hidden from "my" sight (as in NPD) and it acts independently from my intention. This created a lot of doubts about my ability to reason independently and left me in a self-doubting spiral for weeks. I need to find a professional that specialized in autism to test me. I will start researching autism as soon as I'm done with narcissistic sexuality.

Sam Vaknin's blog entries and other texts on sexuality of narcissists: https://groups.google.com/forum/#!topic/NARCISSISTIC-PERSONALITY-DISORDER/zSc-mPntsfs http://samvak.tripod.com/faq29.html <~ A very important one http://samvak.tripod.com/faq18.html http://samvak.tripod.com/faq61.html http://samvak.tripod.com/intimacyabuse.html http://samvak.tripod.com/journal60.html http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse14.html This one is really good: https://www.balancepsychologies.com/post/2018/04/12/the-peculiar-sexual-behaviours-of-a-narcissist

@DrewNows The video was helpful, but it confused me even more where I lie on the spectrum. I'll elaborate on that in the journal entry. Thank you for sharing it, I appreciate it. @Serotoninluv Thank you. It really is a struggle for me to share this stuff. I don't want to share the things that are too intimate, but these were the things that were the part of my shadow that I was blind to. Here are some videos on sexuality of narcissists. I'm kind of leaning towards not having a full-blown NPD, but narcissistic traits in conjunction with undiagnosed Asperger's syndrome. I'm reading the booklist book on Autism and there are several other leads that point to this possibility. W full playlist:

Scheduling: 7 No fap: 0, streak 7 (will elaborate) No coffee: 7 (almost gave in) No alcohol: 7 The mini-retreat went pretty well. I distracted myself for some time, but I also had deep moments of reflection and an emotional release. I think that they are worth the shot, the next weekend is 3 days long and I may try some LSD then. I said that I will elaborate on no-fap, but after writing a paragraph on it, it doesn't feel appropriate. In short, I couldn't handle the sexual tension when we decided to not have sex after having a mini-party with lots of physical intimacy. The said intimacy happened yesterday and the excitement messed up my sleep so today, I'm also am prone to break my no-coffee streak. I don't want to go in the "my addiction is worse than yours" direction, but I find mine really difficult. The fact that I objectify my wife and treat her like a sex dispenser that gets me a 'fix' disgusts me. Losing control is very sneaky because I understand that only post-mortem. I imagine that alcoholics have it easier because they can avoid alcohol. I can't avoid my wife and she's sexy as fuck. My lack of restraint messes up our intimacy, destroys trust and our connection.

Scheduling: 5 No fap: 5 (tensions in this area) No coffee: 5 (need more sleep) No alcohol: 5 I finally found the copy of a book that I've been looking for: "Feeding your Demons" by Lama Tsultrim Allione. It arrived yesterday and I started reading it in the evening. From the next week onward, I want to focus more on practices - gym, meditation, and private journaling. I want to understand my childhood and untangle my neuroses and this will be the basis for my day-to-day life. I'm hesitant about this because I thought that I've been doing that so far. This time around, I will keep a schedule and stick to it. I will also work on developing dreams/desires and putting them into action as a form of leisure. Yesterday's individual therapy session was, hmmm... I don't know. I feel like I've been doing all the talking and there seems to be little feedback. I was talking about my sexuality and fetishes, about the problems in our marriage, about my childhood and the things that I want to change about my life. I was instructed to focus on my feelings from now on and the therapist told me that the mini-retreat is worth taking the shot. She told me that she finally feels like I'm ready for the therapy because before, she felt like she was a companion that was simply taking everything in. I need to make more space for her in our meetings so that I can get more feedback.

Scheduling: 4 No fap: 4 (tough one) No coffee: 4 (sleepy af) No alcohol: 4 Yesterday was difficult. During work, I had a medical examination and waiting in line with mostly women was challenging. I was putting up a friendly front, trying to partake in conversation without contributing much. The things that I care about right now are not something to be casually shared like that: - Hey, how are you? - I feel like shit. My life is a self-constructed lie that I devised to protect myself from experiencing my childhood trauma consciously. All the while, I've been unconsciously seeking to re-create that trauma with my wife and abused her in the process while thinking that I'm the healthy one. I have avoided all of my failures by re-contextualizing them into accomplishments to uphold the narrative of grandiosity. This narrative was recently shattered and I realize that I've been broken into the form that I present right now and I've been proud of for my whole life. - *slowly backs off, without breaking eye contact* The same thing goes for the personal trainer that I hired at the gym. The guy tries to be friendly, he's like "how are you?" and I'm like "not worse than usual". We chat and even laugh, but I'm constantly aware of my ego comparing itself to other guys and checking the ladies out. I can't focus for shit there. I'm also blaming myself for not going there more often. Once a week is not enough if I want to get flexible reasonably fast. I need a more systematic approach for planning. I'm tempted to make a repeatable, stacking routine out of it, but I suspect that it's a trap. I'm also weary of the possibility that I'm overworking myself and avoiding my feelings. When I'm alone and with the armor off, I feel like utter shit. I'm tempted to have a mini-retreat in the weekend and just sit in bed and feel the feelings. No thinking, just feeling. I want confirmation on whether it's a good idea or not. Anyways, in the evening, I was horny as fuck. I couldn't sit comfortably in bed with my wife and just chill after the whole day of working. I almost gave in and decided to masturbate. What helped me is the understanding that by doing it, I'm re-traumatizing myself. I had some new childhood memories and ideas come up and noted them down in my personal diary. It seems like sitting through the discomfort without distracting myself creates more understanding. Today I woke up irritated and doing my best to keep it to myself, not overburdening my wife. She had a full day of her own, working on her stuff.

Scheduling: 3 No fap: 3 No coffee: 3 No alcohol: 3 Yesterday, we went to the second couples therapy session. This time, the conversation was friendly. I thanked the therapist for the previous one and confessed my suspicions about my NPD and that I'm a sexoholic. We talked about the possible causes for both and It is probably because of what I went through in my childhood. It's very confusing because I tried to talk to my parents and gain some information, but they feign innocence. They don't think that it's much of a deal and it's pretty shocking to me that I have always thought this way as well. When I tried to confront my parents about it, my father said that I'm blaming my mother for it and he will have none of this in his house. He also said that I should accept the responsibility because I've been avoiding it my whole life. Thankfully, my wife knows my parents and seem to have confirmed my suspicions about them. She was always very walled off in front of them and I never understood why. I took that for the sign of her abnormality and told myself that she has issues. She was either weary of them, or was walling in the things I've been doing to her. What the fuck is this shit? The therapist thinks that my sex addiction, misogyny and the nature of my fantasies are related to the abuse that I suffered from my mother in my childhood. I only have three memories of it, but the story of my mother and her family seems to be consistent with it. Supposedly, our emotional life is shaped in the first 3-7 years of our lives. This is roughly the time when my mother used to hit me. The other part of the abuse is that I was probably molded to be an engineer in the image of my father. When I tried to talk about this with my parents in the past, I heard something along of "you were always interested with this, so we helped you with your future". I don't know my authentic desires, even my passion for programming is an extension of my isolation in front of the computer screen. ----- Cognitive dissonance again. I'm not supposed to play the victim. ----- The rest of the day was off the schedule. I managed to clean up some of the house, but skipped reading and meditating in favor of cat videos on youtube. I was emotionally exhausted. Today I got woken up by a sexual fantasy again. I scribbled the details in my personal diary.

I do think that I have NPD. It fits on the phenomenological level, it is consistent with the childhood story that I start to reclaim, with my wife's observations and also both therapists seem to agree with me. It is not an 'official' diagnosis though, so I know that I may be wrong. From what I read, narcissism is a spectrum and I can certainly imagine that a really "hard" narcissist would deny it. I did deny it when the therapist confronted me. I tried to question his objectivity, blame everything on my wife, and avoid their "plot", "manipulation", aimed at exploiting me. Amidst the argument, I understood that there is no point in arguing with these people because I saw their "schemes" and they seemed like mine when I was really into an argument. I knew that there was no arguing with me when I was at that point, so I started to listen without deciding who's wrong and who's right. I left the session with a huge cognitive dissonance and a massive emotional charge of anger/confusion/sadness. For the rest of the day, I could only breathe and observe the emotions within me and the two worldviews that were clashing in my mind. The next two weeks were agonizing because I started to reclaim many stories from my childhood and adolescence that confirmed the fact that I was an abuser in the making. I saw many evils that I committed and they were painful on multiple levels. Firstly, they were painful because I unconsciously hurt the ones that I loved because I loved them. Secondly, because I understood that I was re-traumatizing myself with these unconscious acts and I was spreading the misery that I experienced. And thirdly, because I have a grandiose self-image that does not tolerate faults. I understood that I recontextualized many experiences into visions of grandeur to deal with the simple fact that I couldn't handle those situations. It made me feel like I 'chose' to be this way, that I was special, misunderstood, and 'above it all'. All of this happened because I did not have a reality check and could not open up to anybody. It is true that emotions rule our life, but narcissists have developed a "shielding" mechanism that hides their emotions from conscious experience. I think that I am a calm, composed, rational person, but choice of words, body language and subliminal message are threatening to others. There is a part of me that is severely wounded and it runs the show. When it feels threatened (and it feels that A LOT), it will not hesitate to take control and defend itself behind "my" back. It's really bizarre. I don't know who I am anymore and what reality is.

Scheduling: 2 No fap: 2 No coffee: 2 No alcohol: 2 Yesterday was difficult because I opened the emotional floodgates after coming home from work and it started raining negativity until evening. It was further fed by the fact that that my wife told her friend what kind of hell I've been giving her. She has every right to tell everybody whatever she wants. I was wrong and I need to accept that. My ego needs proper spanking. Without the usual facade of superiority, I felt like an overwhelmed, needy kid that relies on my wife for emotional support. The whole day was filled with a mixture of fear, anxiety, doubt and overall tension. I managed to go to the ophthalmologist and browse spectacle frames. We also ran some errands, but the emotional fatigue got the better of me and I got irritable by the evening. We managed to have a conversation about our negative emotions and be supportive of each other. It was very refreshing and eased the tension. My wife was stressed out because she promised to another friend that she will adjust her dress and she wanted to make a good impression. She felt that she procrastinated the whole day instead of doing the work up-front. Instead of doing the work, she went to the gym, met with her friend, and ran errands with me. I have no idea how she was able to support me, but she seemed happy and energetic. I was afraid for the whole day that I'm feeding off her positivity by expressing my anxiety. She stayed up late and worked on it. Today, I decided to start meditating and doing cold showers in the morning. During work, I need to study this and print the Wim Hof challenge printout. I woke up with sexual fantasies and resisted them until I decided to get up. Disgusting.

I apologized to my manager. He seemed to be embarrassed and talked a lot about the way he is.

Today, I will speak to my manager and apologize to him for being selfish and manipulative. When I first joined the company, I thought of myself as being a genius and wished for a path straight to the top. So, instead of working with what I got, I became entangled in office politics and started to work with the top of the company. I was competitive and frequently got into arguments with the manager in front of the boss because I thought that I was contributing while knowing absolutely nothing. I lack experience and insight and my education does not make up for that. I was being disrespectful and dismissive. I was probably used by the company head to gain information. I thought that I was insightful and I wanted to help run the company and prove my worth. This is disgusting and I am ashamed of myself.

Today I 'became' unconscious. I woke up with a neck pain and started to move the neck in circular motions. I rested my back against the wall and moved the head left and right. And... something snapped. It definitely should not make a sound like that and it started to hurt even more. I sat on my bed and the discontinuity happened. Next thing, I'm on the floor next to my wife and she's calling the ambulance, very alarmed. The colors were vivid and shapes were blurred. My body felt heavy, but I did not use strength and strain to move it. I couldn't make myself move faster than I did, nor did I have the incentive to. The inner experience was nausea and shakiness. My wife said that I was lying on the floor with my eyes pointing upwards. She told me that I was out half a minute. There were three paramedics dressed up in red, they were kind but focused. Two of them were a little older than me and the third one was much older. He calmly asked questions while the other two were running tests on me. They checked my blood pressure, glucose level and ran EKG. Apparently the tests said that everything is fine with me and the diagnosis is that I lost consciousness because of pain. That's difficult to accept because I don't remember the exact moment when I lost it and the pain before that was not unbearable. The whole experience was very surreal, but the most touching part was when my wife started second-guessing herself whether she did the right thing to call the ambulance. We all told her that she did a wonderful job. I don't deserve her. I contacted my work and my manager picked up the phone. I told him that I need a day of because of what happened. His reaction was that he's fucked because the other programmer is at a funeral and he needs a program to do something. While that's cold, I did not hold it against him because I know the pressure he's putting on himself. Actually, he called me later this morning and started asking what happened, if I was sick or something haha. He was still very alarmed about his own needs, but acknowledged that something serious happened when I repeated what I told him in the morning. I love that man. So, what is this journal all about? It is a place where I explore chaos magic. If death is like what I went through today, then I can't wait to see the real deal. I was always afraid of regret and releasing attachments just before I pass away, but the universe has shown me that it is merciful. It did not give me the opportunity to wallow in self-pity and I'm thankful for it.

@mandyjw I don't trust myself enough to do such a thing just yet. Thank you for your suggestion though.

I'm a dead husk that wants to live. I want to live. All I can do is to either please myself with others, or please others by whoring myself out. There is a lifetime of lies and I'm desperate for connection. I want to feel. I want to desire. I don't know how.

This is so insensitive. I'm sorry @DrewNows This is an excuse. I'm afraid.

@DrewNows Thank you. I was always giving you the silent treatment, I don't know why. You're saying that I get to choose the self-constructed lie, but how do I do that so I don't hurt the ones I care about? I don't have the luxury of being out of relationship. It's not my choice after what I've done. @mandyjw Yes, I will take the apple. @remember Thank you. Everybody has always been telling me exactly what's wrong, but I chose not to listen. I don't know why.

I don't know how to love. I have a rotting black hole in place of a heart. Everywhere I look, it's all my own fault, my own choice. I had all the opportunities in the world to stop, but I didn't. There are no excuses. I don't want to move on because I've been moving on too quickly with my devilry before. I did not want to face just how fucked up I am. Why do people around me keep wanting me to move on? Move on where? My whole life is a self-constructed lie. All of it. Every single drop.

What do you have to teach? I cannot follow what feels good because I thought that I was doing that my whole life. I don't know how to surrender to love. All I can do is to do things that make other people happy here and now.