tsuki

Are you a patient of the rehab, or are you an employee? Contemplate if this is actually true. If you feel that they treat you unjustly, then you should be allowed to express it. Healthy people want you to stand up for yourself and protect yourself from injustice, even if they inflict it. If it is actually the case that they will punish you simply for standing up for yourself, then they are abusing you and you should leave. Of course, the details are important here. What do you do when you stand up for yourself? Are you trying to dominate others, or are you expressing your feelings? Do you know the difference between these two? If you feel that resolving conflicts requires you to either dominate someone, or submit to them, then that is a sign of boundary issues. Healthy boundaries are flexible and subject to negotiation. They are a prerequisite for authentic relationships.

Why do I choose to make self-care my #1 priority? Because I feel abandoned when I rely on others to fulfill my needs, and they fail to meet my expectations. Abandonment is my trigger for regression. When I regress, I become a hurt 5-year old in 30-year old's body. In that state, I'm incapable of distancing myself from my hurt feelings and I express them freely. I become controlling, demanding, insensitive and vindictive. Worst of all, I can't think straight and take care of my needs even when I'm perfectly capable of fulfilling them otherwise. This creates a toxic loop in my marriage because my wife is codependent. I don't know her triggers exactly, but it has a lot do with her parents' divorce and they fire when she's threatened. She drops all boundaries when she regresses and does what she is told. She feels threatened a lot because there is a big difference between our earnings and I own the place. When she drops her boundaries, she's still angry when they are being breached, but she internalizes it. This internalized anger turns into guilt, resentment and self-criticism that do not get expressed until they explode. I have to grow up, take ownership of my needs and establish a trusting bond between my grown, capable self and my young, needing self. Needless reliance on others is a form of self-betrayal and retraumatization.

Starting from tomorrow, I will stop relying on my wife for cooking and laundry. I dump my responsibilities onto her and resent her for not meeting my expectations. Today, I promise to: converse with my inner child through the diary, buy my own food and prepare it for tomorrow, go to bed at 9 p.m. and wake up at 5:30 a.m. as usual, stretch my stiff neck, read the Bible. Today, I slept only 5,5 hrs and drank coffee in the morning to make up for it. I should probably go to bed even earlier to return to my sleep schedule. https://www.btod.com/blog/reasons-neck-pain-computer/ https://www.btod.com/blog/2017/01/12/12-excellent-stretches-to-improve-back-pain-at-your-desk/ https://www.btod.com/blog/2017/01/26/the-importance-of-the-neutral-reach-zone/ That is exactly the type of pain I'm experiencing. I reduced the height of my desk by 45mm and my shoulders feel better.

Wtf? This sounds way more absurd in Polish.

@tenta I am not justifying hierarchies. They are not designed to be fair. What I am saying is simply that hierarchies are a tool that multiplies personal power. I was under the impression that your argument relied on the assumption that personal power is irrelevant to hierarchies. I disagree with that part. What I believe is that problems with hierarchies are a consequence of populating them with wrong people. I haven't studied enough examples to draw conclusions on a systemic level to say that all hierarchies are bad/good.

It's nonsense. Throw this quote away. I can't help you let go of this story. You are feeding my narcissistic tendencies. I can't have a follower ready to praise me.

Yes, a corrupt policeman can get you beaten up and get away with it because he is a part of the hierarchy. That does not imply that all of the policeman's power come from it. Being in a hierarchy multiplies the personal power you exhibit (for good or bad purposes). Imagine a disabled policeman that has muscle atrophy and can't swing a baton. He would not be able to capture you, or perform his duties and the power that is granted to him by the hierarchy would lie dormant. You are not merely what you believe about yourself. Hierarchies are not merely what societies believe them to be. I'm sorry, but I don't understand the relevance of this part.

@mandyjw I admire your ability to write with such color. This experience was very special to me as well. I really wanted to awaken somebody and I was actually left believing that I have that kind of power. I was avoidant because of that (and other things). I did have A LOT of synchronicities back then, but it must have been much more powerful on your end. I'm in sermon mode, so please excuse me for my unsolicited advice. You have seen God, but you came back as an ego. There is a reason why you are an ego, an individual. There is a reason why you have filters and personal history. That is to be cherished and protected. You were right from the start. I took the apple. I think you should let go of that experience, though. We did share that state of mind and I also thought that I understood your experience. Even though I really had no idea of the consequences to come, my arrogance was an important ingredient. I lacked (and still lack) basic common sense and empathy. I'm sorry for my behavior back then. To you and to Jon. I want to learn more about boundaries, about being a father and a man.

Devil reporting in!

That may be true for some more sophisticated, abstract, hierarchies but does not explain things like military supremacy. A policeman can arrest you, possibly beat you up, and even press charges for resisting. You do not obey the law only because you believe that he will (hopefully!). A person at a certain point in the hierarchy has to be able to perform the duties that are required of him/her. This ability to perform the duties is constituted in personal power that is not derived from the hierarchy and is grounded in belief only to some extent (self worth). You actually have to be competent to be a CEO for a long period of time. Of course, the hierarchy itself does provide power (resources) for the ones that are high in its ranks, but this power is not the only thing that these people work with. Power breeds more power. That's why egos are so addicted to it.

Would you mind elaborating? Which parts of psychoanalysis do you find to be deluded?

@Dylan Page Suffering exists in the universe of absolute love because freedom is more fundamental than happiness. All of your suffering is created either by you, or other people as an expression of their freedom. That does not imply, however, that creating suffering is good. You have the freedom to be evil.

I do, actually.

I wonder how many anti-feminists here are in a happy, loving, commited, long-term relationship with a woman. Our own misogyny is the thing that prevents us from: establishing a trusting, fulfilling, relationship with our partner deepening our sensitivity, compassion and empathy, connecting with the source of our own feminine energy that will allow us to love ourselves. Did you get that? Maybe you don't need another person to love you and show you affection? Hmm? Imagine being hurt, unable to express your anger and frustration because you are weaker than your oppressor. You can't even properly admit to yourself that this is how you feel because you can't leave that person. These feelings get repressed, sour you, make you bitter, resentful and unstable. Would you not seek the opportunity to express them? Maybe that's what our traumatized mothers did when they were raising us? What if "BE A MAN!" is a lie that covers abuse? Instead of arguing your guts out, look at your relationship with your mother.

I was not along with you on that one. I never really got what you meant. I mean, I know that I imagined my past and that I repeat all of my thought-stories. I also know that my adventure into Bible is selfishly motivated. I do want to know God the Father to understand Dad and fathership in general.

For some reason I feel uncomfortable thinking of angels as stupid or naive. Maybe I'm an angel? That's why historical context is important! It's only cruel in comparison to today's standards. Just think how it must have been like back then! Maybe it is not violent, but merciful? I am no fan of my own upbringing and I was an atheist!

Yes, I'm very aware of that. It's a journey of love and I don't believe that intellect is in its way. I do believe that love and reason come hand in hand and I don't want to discard either. So far, it's coming along pretty well, actually! I find tremendous joy in exploring the text, and praying! How can you pray if you don't understand what you are asking for, and why? Why is there a reason to pray to God if He's benevolent, merciful and forgiving? Why not just sin? If Father is totally selfless, why won't He let us enter Heaven as sinners? Why God is a Trinity? What are the differences between manifestations of God? Why those manifestations of God are the manifestations that are present? What are angels? What is the relationship between an angel and your soul? Why do people speak to angels as if God was hearing through them? Are angels "parts" of God? Why are Christians so obsessed with blood? THERE ARE SO MANY QUESTIONS~!!! Ahem... The Book of Job was the first one I have ever read. I opened the Bible at random, and poof! Here it was. Very interesting. It always made me wonder just why does God chat with Satan as if Satan was his adviser? Doesn't God despise Satan for rebelling? It also makes me wonder whether God hates sinful men that rebel against him and worship false gods (as in the quotes I mentioned). So far, he has killed many thousands of his followers with plague, fire and earthquakes for disobedience. Is it really more merciful than just letting them worship false gods under a rock somewhere? It really paints an interesting picture of the relationship between love, mercy, anger, jealousy and force. He makes a big point about his jealousy and adultery with other gods. Reading God as Truth gives an interesting interpretation of the two passages from the Book of Deuteronomy that I quoted. A perfect quote for a recovering narcissist .

I want to read the entire Bible because I know that it's very interconnected internally and I want to understand its symbolism. The Bible is the basis for our culture and it introduced A LOT of stuff that is completely taken for granted nowadays. It's fascinating to read about the ways of these people and infer how their lives looked like before the Lord gave the commandments. My father used to criticize God the Father for being cruel for killing animals as offerings, completely missing the fact that the gold standard of worship back then was burning your children alive. I think that I'm reacting against my Atheistic upbringing and trying to learn religion the way I think it should be done. I want to learn its language and it takes volume and repetition to flesh the symbols out.

@Bill W You're welcome. I'm currently learning to communicate with my inner child per John Bradshaw's method described in his book titled "Homecoming". It's a dialog between the conscious you and the inner child using a diary. The inner child is asked to write with your non-dominant hand. It turns out that my inner child is very bored with the Bible, especially with the Book of Leviticus and The Book of Numbers. I'm very happy that I bought the Bible and I can't wait to read it, but I can't keep my focus for more than a page or two. After that, I'm just trying to make progress without actually understanding what is being said. Reading out loud seems to help, but my wife is getting annoyed with all the cruelty. The child told me that it likes to draw, so we made a promise and sat down today before going to work. Here's what we drew (with our left hand!):

The Book of Deuteronomy, 9.

The Book of Deuteronomy, 8.

Stock response #237: Stop worrying about Leo and start doing the practices. ?

Today I realized just how much time alone I spent as a kid, waiting for my parents to get home from work. At some point, I found a TV channel with erotic advertisements and learned to masturbate. I also remember finding an advertisement in TV guide for a phone line with dirty talk. Of course, I did that when I was alone at home and that is how I learned to "treat" loneliness/abandonment with porn. Fantasizing about being desired by women seems like a fitting replacement for motherly affection that I lacked. I have no idea how to feed the attention-starved kid in me, now that I know that it's hungry. I'll have to ask my therapist. I don't want any more tantrums.

The biggest spiritual reason why I consider having children is to hold myself accountable for my own bullshit. Having to watch my beloved children parrot my unconscious behavior would be unbearable. It would either drive me mad, or be the greatest vehicle for self-development possible. The other, down-to-earth reason, is having someone to support me and my wife when we're old. That is, however, not a good reason, because it requires from me to mold my child a certain way for this idea to be fail-proof. I don't want to use my child as a way to support myself. I had it done to me and I know how it hurts.

The difference between Red and Blue is not reliance on belief, but rather the basis for human interaction. The bottom line for Red is violence (physical or emotional) that resolves conflicts when civil communication fails. The bottom line for Blue is the Law - the always-present ability and willingness to discern right from wrong - which is the doorway to the unity with God. The idea that Blue follows God out of fear for eternal damnation is somewhat true, but it is also something Blue does willingly. To deliberately betray the Law is to discard a piece of yourself, to stray away from God, and suffer. Supposedly, the individual soul after death of the body is perfect (incapable of making an erroneous decision divergent from its true will). Becoming a person that commits evil willingly creates a soul that believes its self-sufficiency. This belief is hatred for God and evil souls choose to hate without possibility for re-evaluation. Hell is nothing else than the eternal presence of God you hate and is experienced as the metaphorical "flames". The opposite is true for those in heaven where the "fire" is experienced as love. Suffering and happiness come from within as your soul's experience of Truth/God and this holds true before and after the death of the body. At least, that's my current state of understanding.