tsuki

This is the weirdest thing I have ever learned about myself. I modeled my adult self after a character called smuggler. Smuggler was an editor of a polish gaming magazine called cd-action that I used to read when I was a small kid. He used to reply to fans' letters in a section called action redaction. I remember reading a lot of that stuff when I was raising myself. Smuggler was a guy nobody could find, there were memes in that magazine about fans trying to meet him in the office, but he was a recluse and would never meet them. He even started spreading rumors that he does not exist, etc. Few years ago I heard that the head editor of that magazine came out and said that smuggler was his alter-ego. Today it struck me that probably many of the fan letters in that section were made up as well and I was using THAT as a basis for my adult self. I literally gave birth to someone else's figment of imagination. I learned that during today's LSD trip.

I'm better than ever, but still going through a lot of pain. At least I know where it's coming from and decided to take good care of myself. Me and my wife are mostly spared from the pandemic related panic because we were never into TV. My mother is getting on my nerves though, this situation is driving her nuts and she's crossing people's boundaries "for their own good". I'd say "fuck her", but I've been through my own childhood and I wouldn't wish it upon my potential sibling. The government decided to limit the amount of people allowed in shops, so getting food is a pain in the ass. They also forbid us from using public bikes so I had to give up on that in favor of my car. I really enjoyed riding to my new workplace. I love programming and I'm really happy when I'm not criticizing myself for being impractical and too abstract with my approach. The office is half empty and I'm pretty lonely, with nobody to talk to. I do like my new colleagues and one of them is a potential friend. How are you guys doing? Does it get more difficult in smaller towns?

I just picked that book and "randomly" opened it at chapter 12. Spot on.

@liamnewsom202 If you're trying to wake her up, you are effectively acting as if you knew her better than she knows herself. Try being her companion instead and letting her make her own choices, even if you disagree with them. She will not be on the exact same journey as you are, but paradoxically, this is the only way to feel less lonely. I would also like to share a sentence that I picked up somewhere and is helpful to me in difficult times: Remember that relationships are not here to make us feel good, but to make us more conscious. Have a great day and the rest of your life.

@silene I don't identify as a perfectionist, but I see that I'm sometimes possessed by this personality. It usually happens when I'm emotionally overwhelmed. Typical enneagram type 6 behavior.

Oh shit, I'm smiling!

This week was very tough on me. I'm mostly alone in the office and I'm working on an ambitious project. I'm very critical towards my own work and it makes me unhappy. I'm in a cycle of being content with what I wrote when I'm heading home and re-evaluating it later, to the point of re-designing what's already been done. While the designs are more universal, with cleaner separation, I'm beating myself up for not making enough progress. I'm thinking to myself that I'm re-inventing the wheel and I could have done it faster and better if I used existing libraries. The problem is that I have a vision for what I want to do and these libraries make design choices for me. I'm compensating these thoughts by reminding myself that I'm building a base for communicating with the rest of the system here so I need a solid networking layer with enough flexibility. In the meantime, I'm also beating myself up for not sticking to my promises. After biking home, I'm tired from all the thinking and not particularly interested in cooking, laundry and cleaning. I'm not preparing my meals in advance and not eating enough vegetables. I'm filling the calorie gap with carbs. Thankfully, I'm still stretching from time to time to relieve my neck/back pain. My sleep is shallow, but I managed to go to bead early yesterday. I gained about 6 kg over the past few months and I'm very displeased with this fact. My wife is kind enough to reassure me that she doesn't mind, but I think that all my effort to lose weight is lost. Emotionally speaking, I'm a mess. I see that I'm controlling towards my wife and I'm thinking that she's distancing herself from me. I don't know how she manages to stick around me when I'm having trouble with that myself.

@Gnosis What I was trying to say, is that I experience having something impure within me as perceiving the world conditionally. If I were struggling with myself, I could dislike the fact that there is red in Jesus' rainbow and miss his presence entirely. So the only one that can unconditionally love you, is you. If you don't, then no amount of cheerful winks are going to help you out of your predicament.

What would the experience of meeting an "unconditionally loving person" be, when something that needs to be purified comes up within you?

I'm so pissed!!! I just found out that my wife has been reading my journals and reacting to them! I'm trying to work through my beliefs about her looks and now she's all in tears. Hey @Nahm, I've been thinking about switching to encrypted journals on the PC. So far I've been writing them by hand, but that's not an option anymore. Do you think that there's more benefit to writing them that way? I'm also getting passionate about emacs which I use at work for programming. I love that editor, I'm gonna write on PC!

Thanks @remember. How are you doing lately? I made a commitment today that I will sit down every day during the week and journal privately. I will do that even if I can't think of anything to write, even just a few words to build a habit. I had so many emotions bottled up today. Got pissed at my wife and we even had a fight two days ago. I sat down and wrote for half an hour, probably 3-5 pages and I feel soooo much better. Being in the range of contentment instead of rage is a such a big difference! This needs to be my priority, especially because I'm learning at work so much and I used to use the computer to escape myself in my childhood.

I've been letting myself down lately. When I'm stressed out, I get into the work mode and I'm not taking proper care of my needs. I've been neglecting myself for the whole week. Today I'm teaching the kids. I wonder how will that work.

@Martin123 You're awesome, keep on rockin'.

I thought that as well, but it seems like people here understand how difficult it is and give each other space to explore, learn, etc. At least that's what I'm experiencing right now and for these past two days I haven't heard any of the stuff that would happen at my last work regularly (screaming at employees or downright degrading them). Yesterday I realized that I was so tired because I was in my headspace for the past two days and my emotions were bottled up. I started journaling and felt much more at ease. Couldn't contain myself yesterday. Why would I ever behave as if it was necessary to do so in the first place?

Funny should you mention emotional dreams. I just had one today. For whatever reason I was absolutely mad at my mother, totally enraged, throwing things, yelling, screaming and generally demolishing the place. I was acting this anger out because I wanted my father to help me calm down, but I was so mad that all I could do is just scream. My wife woke me up because I was moaning (screaming?) in my sleep.

I'm so tired when I get back home that I have zero energy left to think. Not thinking is so awesome. Just sitting in my belly like that. I'm so happy. As an added bonus, I started to ride a bike to work. Love it, even the fact that I got wet on my way back home twice!

Absolutely love the new workplace environment. People are relaxed and I'm actually interested in what I'm supposed to do for a change. Super excited for tomorrow.

First day at the new work, I'm excited and hopeful. The people seem genuinely nice.

That would be a lovely name for a new character.

Today I'm the last day at my current work and starting from Monday, I will be at a different company working as a C++ programmer. I had a loyalty agreement here where I would refrain from being employed as a competition for 12 months and in return they would pay me 1/4th of my current salary. After I found a job that pays 1/4th better in a different sector these fuckers gave me a notice that cancels that agreement because they don't want to pay me. Fuck these pricks! I'm glad because they are not honest people and I would worry that they would try to lie and sue me for disclosing some information about company and extort money from me. I'm so glad to be over with them! Nothing ties me to this place anymore and my life is going to be amazing. From now on, I will be doing something that I'm more passionate about, has better employment prospects and actually pays better. My new employer seemed genuinely happy to have me on board. I'm excited to see how it will turn out!

I started wondering about something related to the asymmetry of reality in relation to: I wonder if saying that something is good is a judgement? I think not! Maybe it feels bad to say "Judgement is bad" because "is bad" is a lie? That is why all judgments, understood as "is bad" feel bad? Now I'm even questioning whether "feels bad" is a judgement or not. If "bad" is a feeling as expressed in "feels bad", then it is not a judgement. But saying that "I have a bad feeling" is a judgement, huh? As if some feelings were bad somehow.

Hmm... It feels bad to think that.

@remember I'm keeping this place safe after she's gone. Get out. Now.

The only way to be good is to feel good.