tsuki

Yes, reality works through magic. Plain and simple.

Books by Alice Miller. The Drama of the Gifted Child is very short and packs a punch.

Don't force yourself to do anything. Don't you want to get past that? Don't you want to be happy and fulfilled? Don't imagine that you will have to do some difficult task, with a lot of complicated steps, or a boring mundane chore. You need this shit. This is the whole point! You thought that you can neglect this part of you and that it is fine, but it is telling you that it is not! Take this seriously! Being serious is not about having a stern face and grinding it against concrete (I kid you not!). It is about feeling that something is really fucking important. Like, imagine yourself when you want to fap and that there is this urge to have an orgasm. THEN you are being serious about having an orgasm. I want you to be as serious about having your emotional needs met. Meeting your emotional needs is not about following an instruction manual from a book. It is about asking yourself friendly, curious, questions and honestly answering them. Start small, drink a glass of water, do something good for yourself. Go buy a plant and smile to it. The more you become interested in yourself, the more you will grow and need less instructions. Your parents were never serious about you and I know how it fucking hurts man. It hurts like having a hole ripped in your chest, like having an ax struck in the sternum. It feels like wildfire with smoke, like an implosion. It feels like being absolutely unlovable and worthless. Feeling this is awful and it is no wonder that we want to use all sorts of tactics to avoid it. Masturbation, lashing out, denial, self-manipulation and first and foremost: being disconnected from our hearts. Believe me, despite how difficult it is: you want to feel this and understand it. If you keep avoiding your heart, it will fetter. Being disconnected from your feelings, not feeling and not understanding them is the gateway through which shadow aspects of you take control. They are always announced by difficult feelings. Not stroking your dick is not a cure for porn addiction. You are addicted to porn because you have unfulfilled needs that you do not acknowledge and are trying to distract yourself away from feeling them. Don't think that you are some inferior omega male for doing this. Understand how difficult for you it is already. Feel it. This is the best you can do for now, but this will get better over time as you become connected to your heart. It will tell you what it needs.

Also, you are dismissing morality as "nothing more than a few human made rules" as if they were completely arbitrary and self-serving in a very unconscious way. Not all morality is like that, granted - it is still a thought process - but at least a high quality one if you dare to look in the right places. The main difference is that highly conscious people have the access to the origin of morality, as opposed to having it memorized and "acted out" under the threat of eternal hell.

More conscious humans tend to have better connection with their body and feelings which oftentimes increases the capacity for empathy, which makes morality mostly obsolete on a day-to-day basis.

This is not acceptance. To accept a shadow aspect of you, it means that you genuinely become interested in it. There is a part of you that wants you to act like an asshole towards a girl that withholds pussy from you. This part of you wants control, it wants the steering wheel and it knows that you give in to emotions, so it rocks the boat. Now, to accept it, you ask yourself what needs does this part of you actually have and recognize that they are really fucking important. Then, you promise to yourself that you will strive to fulfill these needs, but you will not let this part of you control the whole of you. This part of you is not evil, it has no ill intent. It just wants its needs met, like a little baby that is crying. And this part is you, and your needs are really fucking important. You get that? Then you can ask yourself a lot of questions and try to honestly answer them. With a pen and a piece of paper. It is okay if you don't know the answers yet, but recognize that they are important. Spend some time with that part. You can give it a name if it makes you feel good. This is the key here: this inquiry is supposed to feel good. You want to take care of that part of you, like it were your baby. Be gentle with it. You are not doing a vivisection, you ought to recognize that this part of you is precious, that it communicates something that is very important to you. So important that it is willing to throw a fit because you are not listening to it properly. It may not want to talk to you at first, but if you spend some time with it each time it appears, then it will open up to you eventually. When it appeared, you gave up control and let a small part of you take the steering wheel. You are smarter than that small part and you will be able to fulfill its needs better than it otherwise would autonomously. Being an asshole will not get you the kind of pussy you need. Letting go does not mean that this small part is unimportant and that you will be immune to its influence. To sweep its needs under the rug is to reject it and we are not doing that. Letting go is seeing the emotions for what they are and waiting through the storm to act intelligently and with integrity. Integrity means the whole of you, as one being, with clarity. After you let go of emotions, you still remember the promise you made with yourself, right? That is a good sign. Tears are good. This is a good place to start the inquiry. Remember: be gentle. Trust me, porn is not the issue here. It is an issue to some degree, but you haven't faced these issues yet. Stop guilting yourself for watching porn. Sex is really fucking important and you are trying to fulfill these needs in whatever ways you can. This part that keeps talking things that make you feel guilty needs a name. I named mine "trainer" because it tries to train you as if you were a circus animal. You are not an animal and you should silence that part whenever you can. Therapy will help you. I highly encourage it. These thoughts are how the trainer keeps you on the leash. Don't pay any attention to them.

I don't have his constipated face just yet. How is your awakening coming along?

It is fine if you want pussy, but pussy won't get you intimacy that you also need. I also have some trauma revolving around abandonment and having another person besides me that does actually put effort into understanding me is very helpful. However, our circumstances come with baggage that requires a lot of work to overcome so chip away at it. Do not treat your trauma as an obstacle to being in a relationship, but don't underestimate it either. That being said, the mechanism by which we use addictions to bypass our difficult emotions is very simple. We're trying to substitute one emotion for another. Take masturbation for example - I tend to use it to substitute loneliness. Food is another source of addiction - substituting taste for something else. When it comes to smoking, it's more subtle but also more potent - you are putting a disgusting cigarette into your mouth to not feel how disgusting the taste is (and not feel some other thing that you are suppressing). So, the solution is to actually develop strong connection with your body and experience everything that comes by. Start by actually feeling the taste of the cigarette that you are smoking. TASTE IT. Does it feel good? You should also hone your observation skills. Take note of what you are thinking right before you reach for a cigarette. ACTUALLY take note, on a piece of paper. Collect your notes and read them every day. Do these thoughts feel good? Connect the dots.

You are right. He is abusing you and you should report him to the police immediately. Relationships are agreed upon and if you don't want to be in a relationship with him, then you are not. If you're trying to understand him somehow - don't. He has severe issues and you are in no position to help him. Run before it gets much more ugly.

You are not fucked up. Don't be mean to yourself. Yes, you were. The date hasn't changed you, it was merely an opportunity for a repressed part of you to manifest itself. Let me tell you this: you don't want to attract girls that are attracted to guys that are abusive towards them. You want your girl to be turned off by that so that you can step up and go beyond this childish behavior. If you stay with this girl, you will both have to work to get past this. These are all ego stories that enable your behavior. She is not responsible for your feelings. You are the one that is doing your feelings. Do you get that? You are creating these feelings to manipulate yourself into acting in some manner that you think you should be acting. Sit down, do belly breaths and observe it. That is what not denying shadow sides actually means. It means to watch them, observe the ego stories and let them go. It means to accept that there is a part of you what wants to act in this way and becoming genuinely interested about this part of you. I know it's fucking difficult but this is the only way if you ever want to have a meaningful relationship. Even if you find a different girl, she will, at some point, trigger similar emotions and you will have to do this work. Fucking her, or making her your gf is not the issue here. The issue is that you are being reactive to your emotions. This is the part of what I meant by saying that you have no idea what you're getting yourself into. Pussy is a real trigger for men to act like boys and women are not looking for boys unless they are girls.

My not-a-zoo does not like to be called a zoo because it was a jungle until the trainer moved in. From now on, the only cage that is going to be left in here is the one we'll be keeping the trainer in. The jungle is not the right word either because contrary to us, animals can't understand language and my inhabitants are constantly listening. Jungle is also somewhat alien and inhospitable while I find myself cozier every day. The word "house" would give unwarranted advantage to "parents" that live alongside us. We would very much like to be a ship, working towards a common goal, but we're just getting starting at this. The difficulty of being a human lies in the paradoxical structure of this interior. The ones that were here for the longest time, are actually the ones that are the youngest. Unfortunately, each new inhabitant was trying to take charge of this place instead of taking care of the rest. This never worked because the deepest reaches of this Matrioshka, the subconscious, is the body and it will not cooperate unless its needs are met.

Your wounded ego is showing. You're taking her past partners personally. Here, you are being toxic. And here, you are turning even me off. Finally, some honesty.

My wife loved this! She really enjoys the zoo analogy. finds it to be very amusing. I feel like this is the first time I was actually able to hear that, despite my "zoo" needing this encouragement A LOT. Thank you!

My experience has taught me that women want something completely different from what I thought they did. And by women I mean one particular woman that I'm with. I was always my greatest obstacle and words don't do this realization any justice. I'm sorry if I sound cryptic but there is just no way to put this into words. Does your brutal honesty involve telling her that you have a personal dating backstage on actualized.org? Hahaha Oh, and what are your intentions with her, rally? Do you want to fuck, or are you open for something deeper? No, you're not . In the early stages of your relationship, you are probably falling in love with your own expectations and an unsaid promise that she will satisfy some needs that you're not yet ready to acknowledge in yourself. Don't let that discourage you! Go get that pussy!

hi

We came here because we missed this place after watching Leo's 9 stages of development series. We feel that we've lost some philosophical/existential depth after focusing on the basics. We also felt that we're missing some of the regulars here @DrewNows @mandyjw @Zigzag Idiot @now is forever . We're not sure what to write here because our experience is so fleeting. We grew a beard. We're very fond of it.

@DrewNows Just hoped for a friendly chat. We do see that your energy is different and we're enjoying it.

@DrewNows We're seeing the title of your journal from time to time, but never actually read any of it yet. How are you doing these days?

My not-a-zoo does not enjoy being called a zoo, so I will stop doing that. It was funny for the first two times, but the consensus found it to be offensive. We are a Matrioshka doll. Just showing up here and reading this forum for a few hours brought up so much confusion. An old I came up and started its usual self-judgement. Took me a while to let go of it. I think that I will start using the "we" pronoun to signify my multiplicity. The only "I" that is equipped to be the mediator of the crowd is the present moment.

@StarStruck Oh, and don't let the comments here get you down. You have to go through this and learn this lesson, even if everybody around you tells you that you're being a fool for whatever reason. You just don't know any better. There is only one real way of learning in this place and this way is by doing. Go get that pussy.

I feel that this year is the year when I reap a lot of benefits of the basic self-development that I've been doing in the past. There's been a major breakthrough recently and I want to express it here. I can feel, viscerally, that my interior is a literal zoo and that monkeys are running the place. There are small monkeys, big monkeys, elephants, and giraffes, and guess what? Who's the zookeeper? I'M the zookeeper! And monkeys lured me into their cage! More than that, they told me that this is THE OUTSIDE OF THE CAGE! It's funny because I only realized this after deciding that I'm going to learn how to take proper care of my animals and actually respect them. I finally understand what respect is. Now, I think that I'm going to step out and live among them. I can feel that some of them are happy, but there are also the ones that lurk in the bushes, watching me silently. It's okay because I am not an animal and because I'm equipped to do my job. I still need help, but I will get there eventually. At least now, I can see them.

@StarStruck This sounds like how my marriage started. Thankfully, I was getting past that incel stage back then and spared her that. I'm not going to give you much advice because I was so emotional back then that I know that I would have misinterpreted any advice that was given to me. My wife dumped me on the second date and told me that she sees me as a friend. I told her that we're not gonna be friends. I also told her at some point that if I had her in my house, she would just be looking at the ceiling. I wouldn't expect that she's going to appreciate what you're doing immediately because you're showing her a lot of rough edges and it's a big turn-off. If she reciprocates, then there's a chance that at some point you're gonna help develop each other, but it's a long and pretty painful road. Probably the most difficult thing I have ever done. I've got a lot of compassion for you, you've got no idea what you're getting yourself into.

Excuse my language, but I recently watched through Leo's 9 stages of development series. I had two experiences that I consider so profound that I don't know if I will ever be able to integrate them. The first one was peeking into the Magician from the Achiever stage. I'm still picking up the pieces and gluing them together and it happened 6 years ago. The second experience that happened a year ago was peeking into the Unitive stage. I don't even know how to wrap my head around this. Maybe I do, but I won't be talking about it.

Nothing matters things into existence.