tsuki

I don't have his constipated face just yet. How is your awakening coming along?

It is fine if you want pussy, but pussy won't get you intimacy that you also need. I also have some trauma revolving around abandonment and having another person besides me that does actually put effort into understanding me is very helpful. However, our circumstances come with baggage that requires a lot of work to overcome so chip away at it. Do not treat your trauma as an obstacle to being in a relationship, but don't underestimate it either. That being said, the mechanism by which we use addictions to bypass our difficult emotions is very simple. We're trying to substitute one emotion for another. Take masturbation for example - I tend to use it to substitute loneliness. Food is another source of addiction - substituting taste for something else. When it comes to smoking, it's more subtle but also more potent - you are putting a disgusting cigarette into your mouth to not feel how disgusting the taste is (and not feel some other thing that you are suppressing). So, the solution is to actually develop strong connection with your body and experience everything that comes by. Start by actually feeling the taste of the cigarette that you are smoking. TASTE IT. Does it feel good? You should also hone your observation skills. Take note of what you are thinking right before you reach for a cigarette. ACTUALLY take note, on a piece of paper. Collect your notes and read them every day. Do these thoughts feel good? Connect the dots.

You are right. He is abusing you and you should report him to the police immediately. Relationships are agreed upon and if you don't want to be in a relationship with him, then you are not. If you're trying to understand him somehow - don't. He has severe issues and you are in no position to help him. Run before it gets much more ugly.

You are not fucked up. Don't be mean to yourself. Yes, you were. The date hasn't changed you, it was merely an opportunity for a repressed part of you to manifest itself. Let me tell you this: you don't want to attract girls that are attracted to guys that are abusive towards them. You want your girl to be turned off by that so that you can step up and go beyond this childish behavior. If you stay with this girl, you will both have to work to get past this. These are all ego stories that enable your behavior. She is not responsible for your feelings. You are the one that is doing your feelings. Do you get that? You are creating these feelings to manipulate yourself into acting in some manner that you think you should be acting. Sit down, do belly breaths and observe it. That is what not denying shadow sides actually means. It means to watch them, observe the ego stories and let them go. It means to accept that there is a part of you what wants to act in this way and becoming genuinely interested about this part of you. I know it's fucking difficult but this is the only way if you ever want to have a meaningful relationship. Even if you find a different girl, she will, at some point, trigger similar emotions and you will have to do this work. Fucking her, or making her your gf is not the issue here. The issue is that you are being reactive to your emotions. This is the part of what I meant by saying that you have no idea what you're getting yourself into. Pussy is a real trigger for men to act like boys and women are not looking for boys unless they are girls.

My not-a-zoo does not like to be called a zoo because it was a jungle until the trainer moved in. From now on, the only cage that is going to be left in here is the one we'll be keeping the trainer in. The jungle is not the right word either because contrary to us, animals can't understand language and my inhabitants are constantly listening. Jungle is also somewhat alien and inhospitable while I find myself cozier every day. The word "house" would give unwarranted advantage to "parents" that live alongside us. We would very much like to be a ship, working towards a common goal, but we're just getting starting at this. The difficulty of being a human lies in the paradoxical structure of this interior. The ones that were here for the longest time, are actually the ones that are the youngest. Unfortunately, each new inhabitant was trying to take charge of this place instead of taking care of the rest. This never worked because the deepest reaches of this Matrioshka, the subconscious, is the body and it will not cooperate unless its needs are met.

Your wounded ego is showing. You're taking her past partners personally. Here, you are being toxic. And here, you are turning even me off. Finally, some honesty.

My wife loved this! She really enjoys the zoo analogy. finds it to be very amusing. I feel like this is the first time I was actually able to hear that, despite my "zoo" needing this encouragement A LOT. Thank you!

My experience has taught me that women want something completely different from what I thought they did. And by women I mean one particular woman that I'm with. I was always my greatest obstacle and words don't do this realization any justice. I'm sorry if I sound cryptic but there is just no way to put this into words. Does your brutal honesty involve telling her that you have a personal dating backstage on actualized.org? Hahaha Oh, and what are your intentions with her, rally? Do you want to fuck, or are you open for something deeper? No, you're not . In the early stages of your relationship, you are probably falling in love with your own expectations and an unsaid promise that she will satisfy some needs that you're not yet ready to acknowledge in yourself. Don't let that discourage you! Go get that pussy!

hi

We came here because we missed this place after watching Leo's 9 stages of development series. We feel that we've lost some philosophical/existential depth after focusing on the basics. We also felt that we're missing some of the regulars here @DrewNows @mandyjw @Zigzag Idiot @now is forever . We're not sure what to write here because our experience is so fleeting. We grew a beard. We're very fond of it.

@DrewNows Just hoped for a friendly chat. We do see that your energy is different and we're enjoying it.

@DrewNows We're seeing the title of your journal from time to time, but never actually read any of it yet. How are you doing these days?

My not-a-zoo does not enjoy being called a zoo, so I will stop doing that. It was funny for the first two times, but the consensus found it to be offensive. We are a Matrioshka doll. Just showing up here and reading this forum for a few hours brought up so much confusion. An old I came up and started its usual self-judgement. Took me a while to let go of it. I think that I will start using the "we" pronoun to signify my multiplicity. The only "I" that is equipped to be the mediator of the crowd is the present moment.

@StarStruck Oh, and don't let the comments here get you down. You have to go through this and learn this lesson, even if everybody around you tells you that you're being a fool for whatever reason. You just don't know any better. There is only one real way of learning in this place and this way is by doing. Go get that pussy.

I feel that this year is the year when I reap a lot of benefits of the basic self-development that I've been doing in the past. There's been a major breakthrough recently and I want to express it here. I can feel, viscerally, that my interior is a literal zoo and that monkeys are running the place. There are small monkeys, big monkeys, elephants, and giraffes, and guess what? Who's the zookeeper? I'M the zookeeper! And monkeys lured me into their cage! More than that, they told me that this is THE OUTSIDE OF THE CAGE! It's funny because I only realized this after deciding that I'm going to learn how to take proper care of my animals and actually respect them. I finally understand what respect is. Now, I think that I'm going to step out and live among them. I can feel that some of them are happy, but there are also the ones that lurk in the bushes, watching me silently. It's okay because I am not an animal and because I'm equipped to do my job. I still need help, but I will get there eventually. At least now, I can see them.

@StarStruck This sounds like how my marriage started. Thankfully, I was getting past that incel stage back then and spared her that. I'm not going to give you much advice because I was so emotional back then that I know that I would have misinterpreted any advice that was given to me. My wife dumped me on the second date and told me that she sees me as a friend. I told her that we're not gonna be friends. I also told her at some point that if I had her in my house, she would just be looking at the ceiling. I wouldn't expect that she's going to appreciate what you're doing immediately because you're showing her a lot of rough edges and it's a big turn-off. If she reciprocates, then there's a chance that at some point you're gonna help develop each other, but it's a long and pretty painful road. Probably the most difficult thing I have ever done. I've got a lot of compassion for you, you've got no idea what you're getting yourself into.

Excuse my language, but I recently watched through Leo's 9 stages of development series. I had two experiences that I consider so profound that I don't know if I will ever be able to integrate them. The first one was peeking into the Magician from the Achiever stage. I'm still picking up the pieces and gluing them together and it happened 6 years ago. The second experience that happened a year ago was peeking into the Unitive stage. I don't even know how to wrap my head around this. Maybe I do, but I won't be talking about it.

Nothing matters things into existence.

The existence of something does not imply the existence of its opposite. Being is, while nothing isn't.

I can tell that you're in a lot of distress right now and it's better to cool off before making any important decisions. Sometimes we need time off to focus on ourselves and friends should be able to understand that. I also have a difficult relationship with my parents and I made a conscious choice to minimize contact with them. Still, there is that wounded, neglected, child in here that hopes that some day it will be loved by them and yearns for contact only to be disappointed over and over again. If that how your relationship goes, then my adult self advises to take some time off. At first, just for cooling off, and then - make the decision with a clear mind. I can relate to that. In the end, she may genuinely not even understand why you're angry and there may be no space for conveying your feelings safely to her. Deep belly breaths.

I've never been on psychiatric medication but I've been going through therapy for 5 years with great success. My wife is both on antidepressants and in therapy and these approaches seem to compliment each other for her. In some cases, we need help to regain chemical balance via medication, but medication in itself will not fix any problems. It may open a window to seek help from a psychologist, but in most cases - people are just looking for a superficial fix to their problems. I think that if you genuinely want to help people, you're better off practicing psychology.

My two week vacation starts tomorrow. I feel that it's going to be a spiritual journey. I'm in a mood to shoot a few videos and keep reading Frank Herbert's Dune. Just started to read the third book, Children of Dune.

God is not a being. Beings are finite.

If you can be tricked, then it's not direct.