tsuki

@AlwaysJoggin Saying no to unsolicited sex with a woman you don't like does not make you any less of a man. On the contrary. If I were you, I would investigate why you dislike this girl and why do you smoke so much weed that you have erectile issues.

@Preety_India You are very welcome.

This is how early childhood trauma may express itself in sexuality. When you peel the persona off and are very vulnerable, such behaviors may surface which can be confusing. I am glad that you are aware that this pattern is unhelpful and draw a line between it an healthy sexuality. It may have come about because one of your parents did not respect your boundaries as a child or infant and you had to misconstrue the definition of love so that it incorporates such behavior. Depending on how early this happened, it may be intellectual, or not. An infant does not think in words, it starts off by learning how to create emotions and they express various things, including attraction and love. When this pattern has manifested for a long time, the intellect may work in reverse, to justify the emotional need for such treatment by a sexual partner. What has to be understood (intellectually at first) is that playing these fantasies out will never satisfy you because it is rooted in falsehood and confusion. Your inner infant does not want to be mistreated, but rather taken care of and loved, but it has associated that with being violated so it asks for violation, rather than actual love. This is why indulgence in these kinds of fantasies are scary and unsatisfactory, even if they are very exciting. The infant will create emotions that incentivise seeking it, but it is ultimately not what it wants. You have to understand that children will adapt to their parents to get love or the closest approximation. What is also important to note is that this mistreatment by a parent is not necessarily about hitting you, or acts of physical violence. For example, you may have shown signs of being overstimulated and your mother did not read this properly and tried to interact with you past your limits. This is subtle because infants are very sensitive. You can read about early childhood trauma to learn more about that. What gives PTSD to infants is different from what gives PTSD to soldiers. What ultimately needs to happen is that you have to see this impulse for what it really is. When these emotions arise, you have to name them clearly. Seeking brutality from your partner is never something that you should be doing. This is not love, this is violence. It sends mixed signals and deters both of you from building a stable relationship with a single, unified direction. I am not advocating for denying the fact that you have these fantasies. On the contrary - you should explore them, but consciously, and with presence. You have to really see for yourself whether it is what you want or not. Do you feel joy as it happens? Does it satisfy your thirst for it? Do you feel connected to your partner and feel that you can trust him? Why do you feel guilty for having these thoughts? Why is it not socially acceptable? Why do you fear telling these fantasies to your partner even if he's close to you and could hurt you by rejecting them? There are hundreds of questions like those that can be asked and answered and will reveal to you what this impulse is. Healthy sexuality helps build intimacy and trust and is in line with the general outlook of a relationship.

Yes, that is true. I read somewhere that Óscar Ichazo developed it and it came to me through the internet and Eli Jaxon-Bear's book. I did not intend to imply that Gurdjieff's Enneagram is the same as Ichazo's enneagram of personality. What I was getting at is that Gurdjieff's Enneagram is deeper and reflects more basic rules of reality that govern all creation. These rules can then be made more concrete by framing them in a specific context - which in Ichazo's case was personality. This is why Gurdjieff's Enneagram works with respect to many different areas such as body types, etc. This is also why I made the link between Numerology and Gurdjieff's Enneagram, because they both seem to reflect the same depth (or universality). Alchemical Square of Opposition is another set of unversal rules that can be applied to various contexts. Gurdjeff's Enneagram seems to be much deeper and more rich though. Thank you, I will read it. I am wondering about the term "vortex math" that you used. If you have any resources handy about the vortex, or vortex math, I would gladly read it. Attractors and chaos theory are words that come to mind. My mind also makes the link with Abraham Hicks' teachings but I don't know if it's legitimate.

Things aren't gonna be fixed overnight. You may want them in the future.

I know this feeling. It's awful when you hear that you are evil when your past hurt takes the steering wheel. Healing started for me when I realized that my trauma is not my fault but it is my responsibility. I was letting my trauma manifest through me and in doing so, I was a Joseph to my wife's Preety_india. My trauma was not my fault, I got it from my parents. My parents' trauma was not their fault. They got it from theirs. Someone's gotta be responsible, response-able, for it to stop. Think about your children.

Brain fart haha. Up until number 78 there are 8 vibrations of number 8 that match: 8/8, 17/8, 35/8, 44/8, 53/8, 62/8 and 71/8. Any of those with soul number 21/3 would create path of destiny 11/2. Given that my current one is 10/1, the next one would be 17/8??? But why would he put the numbers in the order that is correct when going around the circumference? They really seem like the holy ideas of each of the enneatypes with respect to personalities. I don't know the law of three or seven so I can't speculate anything more.

How do you pronounce YOD-HE-VAV-HE?

@Zigzag Idiot In the first few pages of the divine triangle, the author describes the quality that each number expresses. This corresponds with the numbers within the Enneagram and encodes the universal principles of change. I remember reading somewhere that Gurdjieff said that he can draw the enneagram in the desert sand and unpack the whole knowledge of the mankind. For example, if you squint at the descriptions of the numbers, you can see the personal essences of each enneagram types (or Holy Ideas) like @Megan Alecia described in her journal somewhere. I can't seem to find her notes on that though. I should have bookmarked them!

@Zigzag Idiot So, I was wondering about the meaning of the three full name numbers and their relationships. I am wondering whether the soul number is constant between incarnations? Given that the destiny number is the sum of the soul and outer personality numbers, and that outer personality number refers to the current incarnation, it seems like it should be possible to calculate what the next life will be about? The operation that is applied to numbers is called digital root and its purpose is to quickly calculate the stage within 1-9 cycle as described by this sequence. The left column is the underlying number, and the right column is its digital root. So, for example my path of destiny number is 10/1 and the next path of destiny would be 11/2. If we assume that the soul number is constant between incarnations: 21/3, then we can calculate the outer personality number so that it adds up to 11/2. For example, 1/1 would fit. 21+1=22, reduction would yield 11/2. So, my next incarnation would entail: Soul number 21/3 Destiny number 11/2 Outer appearance number 1. I wonder if it is a solid assumption that the soul number is constant between incarnations? What do you think?

HOW CAN THIS MAKE SO MUCH SENSE!?!? MY INTUITION IS GOING CRAAAAAAAAAAAZY

Fucking hell man. This is not funny. Fuck you @Zigzag Idiot! HOW THE HELL DID YOU FIND ALL THOSE BOOKS MAN?! Me: Life lesson number: 47/11 Soul number: 21/3 Outer personality number: 61/7 The path of destiny number: 10/1 <~ this fucking shit right here! Fuck! HOW AM I GONNA LIVE UP TO THAT?! COMPLETE REALIZATION AND ATTAINMENT FOR A 1?! FOR A LIFE LESSON 47/11?!?!?!?! My wife: Life lesson number: 37/1 She's not just a one. She's the one Soul number: 33/6 <~ HOLY SHIEEET. SHE'S A 6 THOUGH BUT THE LESSONS SHE TAUGHT ME UNKNOWINGLY FUUUUUU Outer personality number: 47/11 <~ SHE WANTS TO BE A FUCKING FASHION DESIGNER?! The path of destiny number: 8 <~ WTF WEATH?! RECOGNITION?! LOSING AND MAKING MONEY?! FUUUU This so eearie. IT FITS SO WELL TO WHAT HAS HAPPENED SO FAR! AND IT MAKES SENSE! Pssssss, my mind is blown. Rebooting........................................... PS. I translated the related passages for my wife and she was blown away. But not as much as I was. And it is the missing key for me to understand the enneagram which I always wanted to do. Never knew that Gurdjieff was a numerologist but it makes sense.

Yep, bought the book. Bye bye life

Oh yeah.

OMG LOL

Just checked yours @Zigzag Idiot. 33. I also checked mine and didn't notice that 11 is a proper life lesson number. I got all depressed for being a measly 2. SOOOO APROPRIATE lol.

Your post is in agreement with Leo's in this thread:

@Zigzag Idiot This is actually helpful in taking care of my zoo. Thanks ?

During the weekend I was experiencing a sort of twisting of my personality, with various facets of it surfacing and taking charge. For the past week my wife had a period so we didn't have sex and agreed to try to play today. Last weekend we had amazing time together where she opened up a lot and was simply being in the moment, not worried about the past, future, or the pending tasks. Over the last week, she forgot how to get into that space and her inner child was not having any of it today. What I noticed is that the sex-hungry facet of me is avoiding feeling alone. This pattern runs deep into my childhood where I learned that being alone is bad and was told to substitute that with TV. Few years later, a channel with adult advertisements started airing and I quickly learned the ropes. Now I understand why rejection brings up anger. I can't substitute sex for loneliness and I'm hurt because I believe that being alone is bad. In truth, loneliness is the smoke-screen that covers up the need to be alone. So, when I'm sex-starved, or distracting myself with TV, I actually want to spend some time by myself. This is strange because "being alone" is a distinct mental space, that does not correspond with the lack of presence of other people. It is a mental space from which I can express myself, do what I want, etc. It somehow relates to not having a persona and being preoccupied with others. Anyway, there's been another line of development lately that I opened up to. I don't know why but I feel big resistance to setting goals. I can manage day-to-day business with a todo list to some degree, but that also comes with a burden. I am afraid to envision myself in 10 years, my perfect life. It is probably a residual fear about having my parents' expectations failed. This is interesting because instagram has showed me today an advertisement of this "tsuki" journal and I was so enamored with it that I placed an order without investigating what is it for. I assumed that it is a journal for writing my thoughts, but it turned out that it's a bullet journal for organizing tasks. Quite a synchronicity!

I feel like we're opening up thanks to recent events and a bridge is starting to show up between various ideological factions in this sub-forum. I wanted to discuss the topic of intimacy - what it means to each one of you, personally. The purpose of this thread is to expose and appreciate the differences in understanding of this subject. It does not intend to find the "right" definition. For me, intimacy is expressing and seeing the personal truth within a relationship. It requires openness to experience the other person fully, without inhibiting their expression that triggers the parts of ourselves that we reject. It also requires presence to our needs and willingness to present them to our partner truthfully. It is based upon trust, which is the understanding that our partner means well to both of us and will meet us in a receptive manner. Intimacy has expressions in various aspects of relationships, from physique (sex), through life goals, to emotions and psychology.

I have no experience with hookers but I would expect them to be a more palpable variant of porn. Nothing wrong with that if you're thirsty and rich, but it will not give you any valuable experience with regards to relationships. I would also expect it to be highly addictive. Remember that hooker's job is to please you and normal sex is an exchange.

It indeed does. Would you mind sharing your dream @MsNobody? @Shin maybe?

So innocent ?. So much stuff to own up to ? Aren't you aware of what this dream expresses? If you do, that's vulnerability. Leo is not nearly as vulnerable as he could have been.

@mandyjw Never fails to deliver! Do we have another contestant? Gosh you are one of a kind ♥️? And vulnerable at that ? Such a ripe dream ??

And the high does what? Does it no let you feel differently than you normally would? Or maybe feel at all?